3 posts in 1

Part 1: Infertility Stuff

Today is CD10 and I had a temp rise of 0.6 this morning. I'm 99% sure that I did not ovulate yesterday - I've never ovulated before CD17 in all the time we've been TTC. My cervix was high yesterday but I didn't have fertile CM. I guess something's going on with my temps; it's weird, but whatever.

I must admit I'm getting to the point where I'm just so tired of TTC. I'm annoyed that it took over my life for more than a year. I'm annoyed that after extensive testing, we still have no answers. I'm annoyed that our insurance, which is supposed to cover infertility testing, has denied all of my claims - all of my bloodwork, my HSG, and even my pap smear (which you're allowed to have once a year and is supposed to be 100% covered). WTF?! So now we have to get in touch with them to sort that out, which is adding insult to injury. We checked our coverage before we had any testing done, to make sure we knew where we stood. They covered my husband's testing (which was also for infertility) but they won't cover mine? We're on the same freaking policy, with the same coverage! We're not paying for it when it says in black and white that infertility testing (and corrective surgery) is covered fully. I'm sure it'll be an uphill battle to get our insurance company to cover what they're supposed to cover. I'm going to let my husband deal with them, because I know I'll get really pissed off if I have to call them myself. He'll probably be able to keep his cool better!

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Part 2: Family Drama Stuff

I finally bit the bullet and called my grandma last week. I hadn't spoken to her since before all the crappy drama with my dad (which happened mid-April). After hearing from my aunt that he was "broken-hearted" that I didn't send him a birthday card, I figured he would've already lied to my grandma about me. It was kind of awkward calling her, but I'm glad I did.

I wasn't planning to mention any of the stuff that happened, but she asked what was going on so I set her straight. She was genuinely shocked when I told her how he's treated me, and I said that I've had enough and I will not be apologizing for anything (since this is all on him). If I'd done something I would own it, but I did nothing and I'm not feeding his ego by groveling and begging forgiveness when I've done nothing wrong.

She said she would like it if we made up, but I told her in order for that to happen he would have to sincerely apologize and back his apology up with actions. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions let me know he doesn't give a damn about me. She told me that he said the email he sent me was perfectly nice, and that I couldn't possibly have taken offense. I couldn't help but laugh at that! My grandma agreed with me that what he wrote was definitely not nice, and apparently she told him that a long time ago. Even my friend who usually says stuff like "but he's family!" is pissed at him over that email and the way he's acted. He knows he's in the wrong, but he'll never admit it. That's OK - I'm fine without him. At this point, I'm protecting myself by completely disengaging. It says a lot that after more than 3 months of no contact, the only time he was upset about it was his damn birthday! He doesn't know (or care) what's going on in my life, he doesn't even know if I'm alive, but the big thing is that he didn't get a card and gift from me (after treating me like shit). Textbook Narcissist, seriously. He hasn't attempted to contact me since that nasty email in April. Good riddance!

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Part 3: Everything Else

We've had a busy time with the pugs recently. Gracie lost a tooth on Friday, which wouldn't normally be too much cause for concern with a pug, but the root was horrible and dead-looking (even though the crown was white and healthy-looking). She had a dental cleaning at the vet yesterday, and had 2 other front teeth removed. I'm sure she feels better now that the bad teeth are gone!

Our foster, Milo, was diagnosed with bladder stones on Friday. He's having surgery on Thursday to remove them. Poor little guy! He's about 9 years old so I'm a little worried about him, but he had a dental a few months ago and didn't have any problems with the anesthetic, so hopefully he will be perfectly fine.

On Saturday we had a pug rescue event and 3 pugs found their new homes, which is awesome! After that my hubby took me out for lunch, and then I got my hair cut (which I've been meaning to do for a while). I was sick of my long hair, so I had the hairdresser chop off about half of it. It's a drastic change, but I love it! I haven't had my hair this short since about 9 or 10 years ago, and it feels good. It's not super short - it's just above my shoulders. It feels so much better though, especially in the summer heat! My hubby really likes it, but he was pretty surprised when he picked me up! :)

I spent most of yesterday thoroughly cleaning the house, doing lots of laundry and baking bread. It was a welcome distraction from everything - not just infertility, but also my pug-baby having her dental cleaning! My worries about her weren't completely unfounded - apparently it took her a while to come around from the anesthetic, which is common in brachycephalic (short-nosed) breeds, but I'm glad she's perfectly fine. She did need the dental, so it was a justified risk.

As far as distractions go, I want to do some more sewing but I don't know what to make. I also want to do some crochet, which I haven't done since before Christmas. I need to get back into it because it keeps me busy and I like being productive! I love to make things I can be proud of. Of course, making a baby would be the ultimate production, but who knows if that's in our future. Sometimes I think we should just stop trying and save ourselves the heartache of failure.

Trying to be positive again

Today is CD10 and my saliva microscope is still showing partial ferning. Since I've never ovulated before CD17 before, I don't really expect to ovulate for another week or so. However, other signs point to me being fertile at the moment. I guess we'll see! It would be great if it happened sooner rather than later, but as long as it does happen and we don't miss that window, it's fine.

Today's microscope photos:

Partial ferning, with the rest of the sample being 'blobs'

Partial ferning

I'm encouraged by some of the stories I've read about women conceiving soon after having the HSG. I know that it doesn't work for everyone, but it works for some. I know there's no blockage in my tubes, but I read a lot of reports of women who had no blockages getting pregnant very shortly after having a HSG. So I feel as though maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones. Of course I know that nothing is guaranteed, and I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much because it hurts so much to have them dashed, but I feel kind of optimistic for the first time in a while. I think the fact that our much-needed vacation is coming up is helping, too.

If there's anything amiss with my glucose test results, I should hear something today I think. I really hope those results are fine! I know that if they're not, there are medications I can take. I'd rather not have to, though. OK, so that was totally stating the obvious! Anyway, fingers crossed everything is good.

Today we're going to the gym after a couple of days off. We went Saturday and Sunday, and I tackled the evil elliptical trainer ;)  I might go on it again today. It's a good way to burn lots of calories, and also for me to push myself harder than I usually do. I was proud of myself for doing a whole hour on that thing on Sunday - I know it sounds pathetic, but it felt like an achievement! Since we started going to the gym (5/9) I've definitely improved my fitness level. It takes longer for my heart rate to increase and I have more endurance. I don't think I've really lost any weight (if I have it's not much) but I feel better. I also sleep better when we've been to the gym. Regardless of weight loss, it's definitely been a good lifestyle change! I wish we'd joined much sooner, but it is what it is. At least we're going now, anyway.

Testing starts tomorrow, and other unrelated things!

I deleted my rant about my hubby's job: it looks as though we'll be able to make everything work tomorrow after all. The plan is that when I go to my gynecology appointment he'll get his blood work done, and then later we'll take his sample to the lab for analysis. Fingers crossed it'll work out, anyway!

We went to the gym today and yesterday and did an hour workout each time. We'll take tomorrow off and go again Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. We both feel a lot better now that we're going to the gym regularly.

I got some good news yesterday: my friend and her family are coming to visit next Easter! They'll be in our state for a little over 2 weeks, it'll be awesome! They wanted to come last year and this year but were unable to afford the trip, but now they've booked for next year so that's something great to look forward to. They'll be staying in a hotel, which is a good thing because honestly we'd struggle a bit with 4 house-guests for that length of time. We'd manage but it would be a shock to the system when it's normally just the 2 of us (plus the pugs!). The husband is allergic to dogs and one of the girls is developing allergies to animals too, so it's definitely in their best interests to stay elsewhere. Plus, they'll probably have a better vacation because they'll be able to do what they want when they want. There are 3 pools at their hotel, too - I'm sure they'll enjoy those!
So we have my mom and step-dad coming to visit (staying with us) from 2/22 through 3/8 next year, then my friends coming from 3/29 through 4/14. Exciting stuff! It's good to have things like that to look forward to.

I ordered some stuff from Amazon on Friday - one of those ovulation detector saliva microscopes, some more HPTs and a book. I was going to order regular OPKs but I figured I'd give the microscope a go, because it's something you can use repeatedly as many times as you want. It was about $28, which I thought was pretty good considering that I could spend $55 on OPKs monthly! This is a one-off purchase so it should be much better value for money. It'll be interesting to see how it is, anyway. It should be arriving around Tuesday, so hopefully it won't be delayed and I'll be able to use it for this cycle. Today is CD10 so I doubt I'm close to ovulating yet; it'll probably be another week at least.

Overall I feel a lot better now than I did last week. I don't know what changed, but I definitely feel more positive. I think it's partly due to the fact that we're being proactive, starting with testing etc. I don't feel worried about my hubby's SA results or his blood work results, because I'm almost certain everything's fine with him. Of course I could be wrong, and I think I'm as prepared as I can be that there could be a problem, but I'm not worrying about it yet. It'll likely be a week before we get his results, so maybe I'll feel apprehensive by that time!

I'm fairly calm about my gynecology appointment too. I'm trying to think positive thoughts - I really don't like doctor appointments but it's something I need to do. I tend to get really anxious when I have appointments (I have no idea why, maybe it's white coat syndrome!). I'm sure it'll be fine though. I hope I'll like the gynecologist and that I'll be able to ask her lots of questions and get good answers. That's all I really want - for her to listen to me and take my concerns seriously. Oh, and to be gentle! LOL.