I think I'm done.

We've been TTC for 14 months now, and we have absolutely nothing to show for it. Well, nothing except for lots of frustration, sadness and disappointment. Not even 1 BFP: nothing. All of our test results were perfect, and that's frustrating as hell because we have no answers at all. What are we supposed to do? Keep trying until I hit menopause? There's no closure, no peace; only unanswered questions and grief. All I know is I can't do this for much longer.

I'm only 10 dpo and I already know I'm out. I knew it yesterday, I just had that feeling when you know you're going to get your period. It's not even due until Sunday, but I know it's coming. Last night before bed I started spotting, and it just confirmed what I already knew: I'm not pregnant. All the supposedly promising symptoms I had - the sore boobs, nausea and fatigue - were just progesterone messing with me as usual.

I've probably mentioned before that when we bought this house almost a year ago, we made the mistake of labeling one of the bedrooms "the baby room". We've never done anything with that room, because it was supposed to be a nursery. We'd been TTC for a few months when we moved in, so we figured I'd be pregnant within the next few months. How wrong we were... Anyway, I can't stand to look at that room now. We use it as kind of a storage room, but we could easily put the stuff that's in there somewhere else. I think I'm going to turn it into a craft room, so I can at least use it for something. I might do it when my hubby is away, it'll keep me occupied for a while. At least it would keep all my craft stuff together in one place, away from the dogs and off the dining table. Maybe I can get a proper sewing table; that would make sewing easier because everything would be at the right height. I also want to get a comfy chair in there too, so I can crochet in peace. I can do that on the couch, but the dogs can get in the way and try to play with the yarn so it's not always easy.

I think there's a small part of me that thinks, "maybe if I do something with that room, I'll miraculously get pregnant - it would be typical, right?". If that happened, we'd be able to move the craft stuff out of there. It wouldn't be an issue, the house is almost 2200 sq. ft. after all. I sometimes wish we hadn't bought such a big place. We were planning on having kids here, so we'd grow into it. The big front room was going to be used as a playroom; instead, we hardly ever use it for anything. There's only the 2 of us and the pugs; we don't need all this space. We don't even have people over very often: my family (and the majority of my friends) are all in the UK, and my hubby's family, well... his mom is a freaking cray-cray who we can't have a relationship with for our own sanity, and we don't see his brother these days. His dad is OK and will probably be over in the next couple of weeks or so, but that's it.

I find myself wanting to adopt another pug, but I know it wouldn't fill the void in our lives. Part of the reason we haven't adopted another is because if we do have a baby, 3 dogs of our own would probably be a lot to manage on top of everything else. We could put fostering on hold until things calmed down a bit, but we couldn't do that with our own dogs obviously. I know I shouldn't adopt another, but part of me thinks that if we can't have a baby then why the hell not! Three dogs is cheaper than having a kid, even when you factor in unexpected vet bills etc. I don't think my hubby would agree to adopting another, anyway, so it doesn't matter what my heart is telling me. I haven't mentioned this to him because I know the answer will be a resounding "NO!" Plus, like I said, it's not going to fill the void of not having a baby. I just need to put the thought out of my mind and stop letting my emotions govern me.

Why do I do this?!

I woke up feeling quite nauseous this morning, and since I was already planning to test today it kind of spurred me on. Well, it was a BFN of course! Damn. I know nausea doesn't automatically equal pregnancy, it's likely a side-effect of progesterone. I knew it was probably too early to test but I did it anyway.

I'm having some very light spotting, too. I'm thinking that's not a good sign - I always spot before my period, it usually starts at 11 dpo but has started at 10 dpo and 12 dpo before. I'm still hopeful that this might be our cycle though. Who knows, the spotting could clear up soon. It could be a "good" sign - it could be implantation bleeding, possibly. See, I'm trying to be positive!!

Here's my chart, which I think looks pretty good so far [of course that could change any day, so I don't want to get too carried away yet.]

My hubby just got his travel dates for his business trip to Mississippi: it's only going to be for one week now, not two (yay!!), and the week he's going definitely shouldn't interfere with TTC. That's such a relief! We're still hoping that this will be my BFP cycle and we won't have to TTC anymore, but we're realistic about it and know that things like this don't seem to work out the way we plan (if they did, we wouldn't have been TTC for 13 months, it would've happened in the first 6 months or so of trying!). His boss didn't ask him why he's unavailable for most of the proposed dates, but if she had asked he was just going to tell her the truth: that we've been TTC without success for 13 months, and that I recently had a medical procedure done which might increase our chances for the next few months.

_______________________________________________

Today I'm going out for lunch with some of the other ladies I volunteer with. It was my friend's birthday yesterday so we're celebrating that! I honestly had no idea what to get her - I thought about nice candles, nice toiletries... I looked for something pug-related... In the end, I settled on something completely different. I bought her a nice cookie tin and baked her a batch of cookies last night. I know this sounds like a really lame gift but she absolutely loves my baking, so I think she'll be pleased. I also have a cute pug picture that I bought from the boutique pet store a while ago, and never did anything with (it's still in its packaging and everything). I'm debating giving her that as well - maybe she'll have more use for it than we do. I realize I probably sound really cheap here, but I've been spending my money on things to donate for the pug rescue silent auction, our pugs, and stuff I need for the adoption event I'm running. Oh, and voting in their cutest pug contest! I did buy myself a nice pair of sandals as well, but I really needed those!

Anyway, fingers crossed that she likes the gift. I think she will  :)

10 dpo (and it looks like I'm out)

Just like my last cycle, the spotting has started already. 10 dpo and spotting. Ugh!!! This really isn't a good sign at all; I'm 99% sure that this cycle is yet another failure. I know I'm technically not out until AF shows, but I feel as though this is it. I'm cramping as well as spotting, so it seems likely that I'm not going to be pregnant this time. I used to try to convince myself that spotting could be implantation bleeding, but after all this time I'm not able to do that anymore. I mean, who am I kidding?!

Last month I also started spotting at 10 dpo and my LP ended up being 12 days, a day shorter than usual. The same thing's happening this month with the spotting, so I guess my LP might be 12 days again.

I wonder why it has to be so hard for us to have a baby. Why us? I know there are many, many more people out there who are having a way harder time conceiving than we are, so I feel insensitive writing this. I just don't get it. We're doing everything in our power to make it happen, and it never does. I've been taking vitamins since before we started trying, temping since cycle 2, taking additional B-complex vitamins since cycle 3, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed... Even my gynecologist said we've been doing everything we possibly can. So why isn't it happening? We're not bad people - we don't do drugs, we're not criminals, we're not alcoholics, we definitely wouldn't abuse our kids. Why do we have to struggle with this while so many awful people get to reproduce without so much as a second thought? I know the world isn't fair, but this feels like a kick in the teeth. Every day there are news stories about so-called parents who starved their kids to death, beat them to death, tortured them, killed them... Yet they get to have kids? Really??

We have a great marriage, a lovely home and so much love to give. If I'd known when we bought this house that we'd still not be expecting after a year of TTC, I'd never have designated a "baby room". Of course there's nothing in there really, no baby stuff at least (we use it for random things) - but it's still the baby room. And we have no baby. The way things are going, we may never have one. That room is going to haunt me and I can't bring myself to do anything with it, just in case. I mean, if we furnish it and everything and then I got pregnant, it would have been a waste of time and money. So it sits virtually empty, save for a few bits and pieces that we store in there. I honestly don't know what I'd do with the room anyway - in my mind it's supposed to be a nursery. I'm starting to hate that room because of its emptiness.

I feel as though my tests will come back really bad. We know my husband's tests were all great - better than they should be. I just know there has to be something wrong with me, it doesn't make sense otherwise. I just want to get the damn HSG done, along with the glucose test, and find out if there's any hope of us conceiving naturally. If it turns out our only option is IVF, then it's game over. I don't have my blood test results, but I assume I'll get them when I go back for my follow-up appointment. I guess if there was something drastically wrong with those, they'd have called me by now.

We badly need this little vacation we're going on. It's only 3 nights but I feel as though it will do us the world of good. I really wish it could be a week or more, but that's not possible right now due to my hubby's work schedule. It'll be so nice to get away from everything, although I guess what I need to get away from the most is my thoughts. I wish I could shut the whole TTC/infertility thing off, and not think about it at all. That would be wonderful.

10dpo today :)

I should know in the next couple of days whether we're in with a good chance this cycle. Usually I start spotting at 11dpo (although last month that didn't happen) and since I've been charting, my temp has always dropped pretty significantly at 12dpo. If that happens then I guess I'm out again. If my temp stays high at 12dpo it's probably a good sign. The best sign (other than a positive pregnancy test) would be missing my period - I really hope it doesn't come! Well, that's stating the obvious!

I feel kind of crampy, very bloated, gassy and tired. This morning I had a 90 minute hot stone massage - I wasn't sure whether to have it or wait until I get my period, but I figured the chances are it would be fine and more likely than not there's nothing to affect anyway. I've been testing every day since 8dpo (way too early, I know!) and all of my tests have been negative. I honestly don't expect anything else at this point - sure, I really hope for my BFP, but it never surprises me when all I get is negatives. After last month I'm not getting my hopes up!

10DPO

I'm 10DPO today and feeling super hormonal! I'm having a lot of cramping, which has been quite painful at times. I'm still very gassy and bloated, and my skin is truly awful. I've tested at 8, 9 and 10DPO and all were negative (of course). I knew I shouldn't test until 12DPO but it seems I never listen to my own advice... Anyway, I haven't had any spotting yet so even though I'm cramping a lot I don't think my period is imminent. The last ovulatory cycle I had, I started spotting at 11DPO and my LP was 13 days. Now that I'm on the B vitamins, my LP may be longer, I don't know.

My chart still looks good, but it's probably still too early to make any real predictions. Here's my current chart:



Interestingly, my post-O temps are similar to my last ovulatory cycle... at least from 6-8DPO, anyway. Here's that chart:


The big difference with my current cycle's chart is that the cross-hairs are solid, which means FF is very sure of my ovulation day. Last time, they were dotted which means it wasn't entirely sure. The temperature rise with my current cycle was the rise and fall kind, which is also different, but it's a recognized ovulation pattern so I don't think that's anything I need to worry about.

I only hope that my temps stay high and that AF doesn't show! I'd love to get my BFP this month, it would be wonderful. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, though. I'll most likely keep testing with my Wondfos every day until 14DPO, if my period hasn't turned up by that point. At least the Wondfos are cheap, so it won't break the bank! :)

My chart as of today (10 DPO)

It appears that my temperatures are steadily rising... Maybe it'll be a tri-phasic chart. All temps (except for the one on CD3) were taken within 10 minutes of my usual time, the vast majority taken at 5.50 a.m. and the others were taken at 6 a.m. They should all be pretty accurate.

Oh, and I did test again today... It seems I'm a testaholic! Negative as expected. Maybe tomorrow will be a really faint positive, that's what I keep telling myself anyway! :-)