I think I'm done.

We've been TTC for 14 months now, and we have absolutely nothing to show for it. Well, nothing except for lots of frustration, sadness and disappointment. Not even 1 BFP: nothing. All of our test results were perfect, and that's frustrating as hell because we have no answers at all. What are we supposed to do? Keep trying until I hit menopause? There's no closure, no peace; only unanswered questions and grief. All I know is I can't do this for much longer.

I'm only 10 dpo and I already know I'm out. I knew it yesterday, I just had that feeling when you know you're going to get your period. It's not even due until Sunday, but I know it's coming. Last night before bed I started spotting, and it just confirmed what I already knew: I'm not pregnant. All the supposedly promising symptoms I had - the sore boobs, nausea and fatigue - were just progesterone messing with me as usual.

I've probably mentioned before that when we bought this house almost a year ago, we made the mistake of labeling one of the bedrooms "the baby room". We've never done anything with that room, because it was supposed to be a nursery. We'd been TTC for a few months when we moved in, so we figured I'd be pregnant within the next few months. How wrong we were... Anyway, I can't stand to look at that room now. We use it as kind of a storage room, but we could easily put the stuff that's in there somewhere else. I think I'm going to turn it into a craft room, so I can at least use it for something. I might do it when my hubby is away, it'll keep me occupied for a while. At least it would keep all my craft stuff together in one place, away from the dogs and off the dining table. Maybe I can get a proper sewing table; that would make sewing easier because everything would be at the right height. I also want to get a comfy chair in there too, so I can crochet in peace. I can do that on the couch, but the dogs can get in the way and try to play with the yarn so it's not always easy.

I think there's a small part of me that thinks, "maybe if I do something with that room, I'll miraculously get pregnant - it would be typical, right?". If that happened, we'd be able to move the craft stuff out of there. It wouldn't be an issue, the house is almost 2200 sq. ft. after all. I sometimes wish we hadn't bought such a big place. We were planning on having kids here, so we'd grow into it. The big front room was going to be used as a playroom; instead, we hardly ever use it for anything. There's only the 2 of us and the pugs; we don't need all this space. We don't even have people over very often: my family (and the majority of my friends) are all in the UK, and my hubby's family, well... his mom is a freaking cray-cray who we can't have a relationship with for our own sanity, and we don't see his brother these days. His dad is OK and will probably be over in the next couple of weeks or so, but that's it.

I find myself wanting to adopt another pug, but I know it wouldn't fill the void in our lives. Part of the reason we haven't adopted another is because if we do have a baby, 3 dogs of our own would probably be a lot to manage on top of everything else. We could put fostering on hold until things calmed down a bit, but we couldn't do that with our own dogs obviously. I know I shouldn't adopt another, but part of me thinks that if we can't have a baby then why the hell not! Three dogs is cheaper than having a kid, even when you factor in unexpected vet bills etc. I don't think my hubby would agree to adopting another, anyway, so it doesn't matter what my heart is telling me. I haven't mentioned this to him because I know the answer will be a resounding "NO!" Plus, like I said, it's not going to fill the void of not having a baby. I just need to put the thought out of my mind and stop letting my emotions govern me.

:(

I'm not sure why, but the infertility stuff is getting me down more today than it has been recently. I was feeling kind of at peace with things, but today I just feel like crap. I hate that this can happen; nothing significant has really happened to change things, yet I just feel low.

Maybe it's partly due to the forum post I read this morning, about a woman with a 5 month old baby who's pregnant again - her kids will be 1 year apart. It feels so unfair that someone who's already been blessed with a baby so recently is having another, and we may never get to even see a BFP. I know the world isn't fair, and it doesn't work like that. It just feels like a kick in the teeth, that getting pregnant is so easy for most couples but it's so hard for us. I know there are lots of couples out there who have struggled/are struggling more than us, and we're not that far into our infertility journey, but this really hurts.

When I think about all the things I naively thought we would have to plan around me giving birth - people coming to visit from the UK, etc. - I feel like such an idiot. When we first started TTC I remember thinking that if we conceived right away my due date would clash with my friend's visit. Then there was an in-law family reunion on the other side of the country planned for June this year, and I was sure that we wouldn't be able to go because I'd be heavily pregnant or we'd have a tiny newborn by that time. Neither of these events ended up happening, but even last month I was thinking about how if we conceived that cycle my due date would fall when my mom and stepdad are visiting in February/March of next year. If we conceive this cycle I'll be about ready to pop when my friend and her family visit in April of next year. Even now I find myself thinking about these things, when it's clearly never been an issue before. I don't know why I still seem to expect this to happen, but I guess it's that small part of me that's hopeful.

I wish we had a reason for our infertility. I think that would make it easier to accept than this. At this point, I just wish I knew for sure if we're ever going to have a baby. If we could know for sure that it's never going to happen, I think I could eventually come to terms with that. It's the not knowing that makes it so hard to accept. If everything is so perfect with all our tests, then why am I not getting pregnant? I know I've asked this before, and nobody can give me any answers. I guess I just need to write it down again.

Wonderful timing...

Just in time for the pug adoption event I'm running today:

My period hasn't started yet, but it's definitely coming. My temp always seems to go down to 97.3 the day it starts.

I just have to put on a big smile and forget about all of this until after the event. I can do that.

10 dpo (and it looks like I'm out)

Just like my last cycle, the spotting has started already. 10 dpo and spotting. Ugh!!! This really isn't a good sign at all; I'm 99% sure that this cycle is yet another failure. I know I'm technically not out until AF shows, but I feel as though this is it. I'm cramping as well as spotting, so it seems likely that I'm not going to be pregnant this time. I used to try to convince myself that spotting could be implantation bleeding, but after all this time I'm not able to do that anymore. I mean, who am I kidding?!

Last month I also started spotting at 10 dpo and my LP ended up being 12 days, a day shorter than usual. The same thing's happening this month with the spotting, so I guess my LP might be 12 days again.

I wonder why it has to be so hard for us to have a baby. Why us? I know there are many, many more people out there who are having a way harder time conceiving than we are, so I feel insensitive writing this. I just don't get it. We're doing everything in our power to make it happen, and it never does. I've been taking vitamins since before we started trying, temping since cycle 2, taking additional B-complex vitamins since cycle 3, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed... Even my gynecologist said we've been doing everything we possibly can. So why isn't it happening? We're not bad people - we don't do drugs, we're not criminals, we're not alcoholics, we definitely wouldn't abuse our kids. Why do we have to struggle with this while so many awful people get to reproduce without so much as a second thought? I know the world isn't fair, but this feels like a kick in the teeth. Every day there are news stories about so-called parents who starved their kids to death, beat them to death, tortured them, killed them... Yet they get to have kids? Really??

We have a great marriage, a lovely home and so much love to give. If I'd known when we bought this house that we'd still not be expecting after a year of TTC, I'd never have designated a "baby room". Of course there's nothing in there really, no baby stuff at least (we use it for random things) - but it's still the baby room. And we have no baby. The way things are going, we may never have one. That room is going to haunt me and I can't bring myself to do anything with it, just in case. I mean, if we furnish it and everything and then I got pregnant, it would have been a waste of time and money. So it sits virtually empty, save for a few bits and pieces that we store in there. I honestly don't know what I'd do with the room anyway - in my mind it's supposed to be a nursery. I'm starting to hate that room because of its emptiness.

I feel as though my tests will come back really bad. We know my husband's tests were all great - better than they should be. I just know there has to be something wrong with me, it doesn't make sense otherwise. I just want to get the damn HSG done, along with the glucose test, and find out if there's any hope of us conceiving naturally. If it turns out our only option is IVF, then it's game over. I don't have my blood test results, but I assume I'll get them when I go back for my follow-up appointment. I guess if there was something drastically wrong with those, they'd have called me by now.

We badly need this little vacation we're going on. It's only 3 nights but I feel as though it will do us the world of good. I really wish it could be a week or more, but that's not possible right now due to my hubby's work schedule. It'll be so nice to get away from everything, although I guess what I need to get away from the most is my thoughts. I wish I could shut the whole TTC/infertility thing off, and not think about it at all. That would be wonderful.

CD18

I've been using my ovulation microscope every day, and there's been no more ferning since CD13. I really thought I was going to ovulate 3 days ago, I had a big temp drop and then a 0.5 degree rise the next day, but my temp is down again now.

I hope that I will ovulate soon, but I'm not sure if I will. If this cycle is going to be anovulatory, I just hope it'll be no longer than my usual cycles. I really don't want my period to ruin our little vacation! Also, I'd like to get my HSG done as soon as possible.

My cousin (the one whose wife is pregnant again) emailed me a couple of days ago to tell me he'd felt the baby move for the first time. I'm happy for them but reading those words was like a blow... will my husband ever experience that? Will we ever have a baby? I think what annoyed me the most was that before I read that email, I felt pretty damn good. I hate that a few little words, with no ill-intent behind them, can make me feel so low. I don't know how to reply to my cousin; I kind of want to let him know that while we're very happy for them, we're undergoing infertility testing and having a rough time. But, I don't really want to let that proverbial cat out of the bag. I also don't want to sound like a total bitch, or make him feel bad for sharing. But then again, I don't want to keep getting these updates because they really hurt. Is there a way to say nicely, without hurting anybody's feelings, that I can't deal with this stuff right now? I don't want to burn any bridges, but their pregnancy is hard for me (not least because the baby is due around our wedding anniversary in October, and I might not even be pregnant by then).

I hate feeling this way because I must be a horrible person to be upset by their new baby.  :(

Exactly 11 months of TTC: thinking about possible options.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but I'm pretty convinced that this cycle is a bust like all the rest. Today is 11 dpo and I started spotting yesterday. I got a BFN when I tested yesterday. I didn't test today as the spotting is still there and it seemed like a waste of a test. My period is due Saturday (5/12) if my LP is its usual 13 days, so it won't be long now. I have a feeling my LP might end up being shorter this time because the spotting started earlier than usual. Normally it starts at 11 or 12 dpo, but it started at 10 dpo this time. My chart still looks OK, I guess, but the spotting is a pretty good indicator that we haven't been successful.

I'm going to be honest and say that yesterday was a terrible day for me. I just felt so low about the whole thing. I snapped at my hubby and then cried my eyes out. I really don't like what this process is doing to me, sometimes I can be such a bitch. I just feel like a total failure and this whole thing just hurts so much. For as long as I can remember I've wanted so much to be a mommy, and when we started our TTC journey I never imagined that at this point I wouldn't be pregnant. We know when I ovulate and we time things well every single cycle. I can't help but think there's something wrong, you know? I'm 28 and my hubby is 30. We don't have any medical issues as far as we know. We don't smoke, we hardly ever drink (we might have a couple of glasses of wine right at the beginning of my cycle when I don't temp, but that's it). I've been taking Mucinex for a few months around my fertile time to improve my cervical mucus and we started using Pre-Seed this cycle. We're going to join a gym today and we'll aim to go 3 times a week. Other than that I don't know what else we can really do to improve our chances.

Anyway, my hubby has made an appointment with his doctor for next week to get a referral for a semen analysis. It seems like the obvious thing to do, since it's non-invasive. I'll obviously need to get tested too, but at least if we know there are no sperm issues that's a start. Of course the SA could come back with bad results, but if that's the case we'd be better off knowing. If he's sterile (which I doubt, but who knows right?) then I can stop this crazy cycle of ups and downs. I'd be able to stop charting and all of that, because really what would be the point in that case? I honestly believe if either of us has a fertility issue it will be something wrong with me rather than him, but at least the SA will shed some light on things. There's every chance it'll come back great, and I really hope it does. We're both as prepared as we can be that it might not, though.

We've already discussed what our options might be if his SA is awful, and decided that we probably wouldn't want to use donor sperm if it came down to that. I just don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I think I'm mostly worried that my hubby wouldn't be able to handle it if I was pregnant and it technically wasn't his baby. Plus, I really want for us to have a baby that's part of us both.

If it transpires that IVF is our only option, I don't know what we'll do. We can't afford it (it costs approx. $16,000 per cycle, maybe even more). My issue with IVF is this: when do you stop? Wouldn't you just feel like "maybe the next cycle will work"? You'd have invested so much emotionally and financially, that you might not want to stop until you ended up with a baby. That could end up costing more than our house! Like I said, we couldn't really afford it anyway. If it was 100% guaranteed, then we'd probably make it work. Sadly, the odds are generally much lower than that.

We've talked about adoption and I did a little bit of research yesterday, but it sounds quite daunting. Apparently for every healthy baby up for adoption in the US, there are 40 couples waiting to adopt. Yikes. It can also cost up to $40,000, which is beyond our reach. The website I looked at tried to make the cost seem better by saying something along the lines of "any method of having a baby costs money - hospital bills etc." While this is true, there's this thing called insurance and ours covers virtually everything pregnancy and delivery related. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't cover anything to do with adoption! Plus, adoption opens a whole other can of worms. Some people who were adopted don't have a problem with it, while others have a whole host of issues because of it.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here: as far as we know, neither of us have any fertility problems. If one (or both) of us are found to have issues, they might be easily treated. There's a good chance we'll never need to consider IVF or adoption. I guess I just need to get my thoughts out at the moment!

I think joining the gym will do us both good, it'll be a great outlet for our frustrations. Back in the UK I loved going to the gym: I'd go 4 or 5 times a week. It helped - at that time, hubby (then fiancé) and I were more than 5,000 miles apart and it kept me busy.

I sometimes feel as though my hubby doesn't feel the way I do about our lack of pregnancy, but after talking to him last night I think it's just that he's better at hiding his feelings than I am. He's probably almost as disappointed as I am about the whole thing, but he doesn't get emotional like I do. I get it, in some ways it's not so real for men as it is for women. He's not the one having awful periods, feeling like everyone else is pregnant, charting, taking 2 different vitamins every day, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed, monitoring potential symptoms, taking pregnancy tests, etc. There's a quote out there that says something like this: a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she's pregnant; men become fathers when the baby is born. There may be some truth to that, because it's not the guy who experiences pregnancy first-hand.

I really want the whole package - I want to be pregnant and experience the whole thing. I know it's not glamorous, and sometimes pregnancy is downright uncomfortable and annoying. I want to have that, though: to know our baby is growing in my tummy, to go to scans and see the baby on the screen, to give birth... all of it. I really hope it'll happen for us soon.

Looks like we failed yet again

I'm 12 dpo today and while my chart still looks good, I started spotting this morning. Needless to say, I'm not very optimistic. I usually start spotting at 11-12 dpo, and my LP is 13 days. I guess I'll be getting my period on Tuesday, then.


The longer this journey goes on, the worse it gets. I started out being super optimistic, certain that we'd probably conceive within 6 months or so. That time has been and gone. I no longer get my hopes up very much, but when it becomes apparent that we haven't been successful it hurts more every time. My expectations are a lot lower than they used to be, but the pain is a lot worse. I used to be able to shrug it off fairly easily; after all, we hadn't been trying very long. I know that compared to some people, we still haven't been trying very long - I don't mean to be insensitive to anybody who might be struggling more than we are. It's coming up a year since we started trying, though, and we still have nothing to show for it. I just didn't think it was going to be this difficult.

CD1 yet again!

Yep, AF arrived today. Early in the morning; the cramps were horrendous and I had to get up at 2.40 a.m. to take some tylenol and get my hot water bottle. My LP was normal again at 13 days, so that's good. I'm also pleased about ovulating earlier. Other than that, I'm feeling pretty down about the whole thing. If we'd conceived when we first started TTC, I'd be due now.

Oh well. There's nothing I can do about it, all I can do is hope that this cycle will be The One. Fingers crossed!

I'm out, again.

AF hasn't arrived yet, but I can feel it coming. Spotting started the night of 10 dpo and today is 12 dpo; I'm cramping quite a lot as well. I tested the morning of 10 dpo and it was negative of course.

I feel like throwing myself a little pity party right now, if I'm honest. I didn't get my hopes up this time, but it turns out it doesn't hurt any less this way. I can't help but wonder if we're ever going to be parents. Maybe we should just stick to the pugs.

If there's any crazy formatting it's because I'm on my phone :)

Pretty sure I'm out this cycle...

I'm still spotting (light brown) but my BBT this morning was down to 97.9ºF which is 0.3 lower than yesterday, and 0.7 lower than Saturday... I know that technically you're not out until your period comes, but I'm pretty sure I'm out this cycle. For the hell of it I took another test this morning, which was BFN as expected.

I've just been over to the Babycenter.com forum and a few of the people who were having the exact same symptoms as I was got their BFPs today or yesterday, so I'm pretty bummed about everything. I mean I'm happy for those people, but sad for me. I feel like crying right now: I knew I shouldn't have got my hopes up, but I guess I really did. Everything seemed to be timed just right, I was having promising symptoms, and I'm not pregnant. I think TTC really messes with your head. I was definitely having the symptoms I recorded, they weren't in my head, I know that - but now I just feel so silly for thinking I could actually be pregnant. I also feel silly for feeling sad, because this was our first cycle trying properly and I know it's unusual for it to happen right away, but I really hoped it would.

Oh well, hopefully this next cycle will be the one. And hopefully I won't have to wait 22 friggin' days to ovulate this time...

Vivid dream

I woke up this morning after having a really vivid, real-feeling dream. I dreamt that I'd taken another HPT this morning, after the one yesterday evening which was negative, and the one this morning (in my dream) was most definitely positive. It felt so real that when I woke up I was really sad to realize it was only a dream :-(

It was crazy - there were loads of little details which made it all the more real, such as me wanting to call my dad but realizing that he was at a concert this evening (he is) and wanting to call my mom but realizing she would be out too (she would be). The dream even accounted for the 8 hour time difference between here and the UK, where I'm from and where my family still live!

I was so over-the-moon happy in my dream, so was my hubby. It really felt like a cruel joke this morning, I must say. I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I cried my eyes out all the same. I was almost tempted to take another HPT this morning but I knew that my dream couldn't mean anything really so I resisted. It would be nice if such a dream could be my body telling me something, but I doubt it!

I feel so emotional right now, I could cry all day I think. I actually woke up thinking it was real, the dream was that vivid. Crazy, huh? And oh-so upsetting...

:-(