I'm not sure why, but the infertility stuff is getting me down more today than it has been recently. I was feeling kind of at peace with things, but today I just feel like crap. I hate that this can happen; nothing significant has really happened to change things, yet I just feel low.
Maybe it's partly due to the forum post I read this morning, about a woman with a 5 month old baby who's pregnant again - her kids will be 1 year apart. It feels so unfair that someone who's already been blessed with a baby so recently is having another, and we may never get to even see a BFP. I know the world isn't fair, and it doesn't work like that. It just feels like a kick in the teeth, that getting pregnant is so easy for most couples but it's so hard for us. I know there are lots of couples out there who have struggled/are struggling more than us, and we're not that far into our infertility journey, but this really hurts.
When I think about all the things I naively thought we would have to plan around me giving birth - people coming to visit from the UK, etc. - I feel like such an idiot. When we first started TTC I remember thinking that if we conceived right away my due date would clash with my friend's visit. Then there was an in-law family reunion on the other side of the country planned for June this year, and I was sure that we wouldn't be able to go because I'd be heavily pregnant or we'd have a tiny newborn by that time. Neither of these events ended up happening, but even last month I was thinking about how if we conceived that cycle my due date would fall when my mom and stepdad are visiting in February/March of next year. If we conceive this cycle I'll be about ready to pop when my friend and her family visit in April of next year. Even now I find myself thinking about these things, when it's clearly never been an issue before. I don't know why I still seem to expect this to happen, but I guess it's that small part of me that's hopeful.
I wish we had a reason for our infertility. I think that would make it easier to accept than this. At this point, I just wish I knew for sure if we're ever going to have a baby. If we could know for sure that it's never going to happen, I think I could eventually come to terms with that. It's the not knowing that makes it so hard to accept. If everything is so perfect with all our tests, then why am I not getting pregnant? I know I've asked this before, and nobody can give me any answers. I guess I just need to write it down again.
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Stupid chart!
It seems as though yesterday's temp spike was a fluke. I thought it was odd, and today's temp was down again so I'm pretty sure I should just discard yesterday's temp. I think I'll wait and see what happens in the next few days, but it certainly looks off to me! It's weird because I took my temp at the exact same time as usual, the A/C was set the same as usual, we had the same sheet on the bed, I wore the same nightshirt, I slept plenty before temping (and slept well), and I didn't have any alcohol. Oh well!
I'm not sure whether to take Mucinex this cycle or just skip it this time. I've been taking it every cycle since February, and while I'm sure it's not going to do any harm I am wondering if there's any real point in me taking it. I'm also wondering about whether to continue using Pre-Seed... Maybe we should just try "naturally" and see what happens.
My hubby will call the insurance company later today and hopefully resolve the issue of them denying my claims. Everything I've had done should be covered, so they're not getting out of paying!
We went to the gym yesterday, and Sunday too. We're getting back in the habit of going 3-4 times a week (we became slack after our vacation!). We'll go again tomorrow and then probably Saturday and possibly Sunday as well. I like going on the weekend, it's nice and quiet! I always feel better after working out, even if I really didn't want to go to the gym beforehand. Yesterday was one of those days when I didn't feel like going, but I'm so glad we did.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about what treatments we might be willing to do if we're unable to conceive naturally. I've mentioned before that my gynecologist said she would prescribe 3 months of Clomid if I wanted her to, but I'm reluctant to take it at this point in time. I'm worried about it messing up my subsequent cycles, if it doesn't work. I'm also not sure if my gynecologist would monitor me on it, and I know it's probably safe but I'd rather be monitored if I was taking something like that. I read somewhere that you can only take Clomid 12 times in your life, so to do 3 cycles unmonitored seems unwise to me. That's just my opinion, though. It's just that, unmonitored, how do they know if you're responding to it, or if you need a higher (or lower) dose? I'm not saying I'd never take Clomid, I just don't think this is the right time to take it.
We really want a baby, but I can't see us ever doing IVF to have one. It's just so expensive and I don't think I could go through that when the outcome isn't even close to guaranteed. I know many couples will do anything and everything to have a baby, and I'm not knocking them at all, but I don't think we will do that. The more I think about it, the more I feel that we should just see what happens.
The trouble with unexplained infertility is that there are no answers. It's frustrating. We don't have a reason to stop TTC, because technically there's nothing wrong with us and we should be able to conceive. I don't know how long we should keep trying, because every cycle has the potential to be "the one". I don't think I can keep doing this forever, though. If another year passes and we still haven't conceived, then I don't know if I can keep going through this cycle of ups and downs. Right now I'm feeling kind of positive: this cycle is a fresh chance and I'm waiting to ovulate. If nothing happens this time there will be the heartache of another failed cycle, and then there will be a sense of renewed hope next cycle. It's never-ending.
I know I probably sound really depressed at the moment, but I'm actually not. I feel like I'm regaining control of my life, and facing up to the reality that maybe we won't have children. I'm not happy about that prospect, of course, but maybe this is what's meant to be, for some reason or another. Even as I write this, however, there's a little part of me that thinks this cycle could be it! I guess that I can tell myself it's OK all I want, but deep down I hope it doesn't have to be this way.
I'm not sure whether to take Mucinex this cycle or just skip it this time. I've been taking it every cycle since February, and while I'm sure it's not going to do any harm I am wondering if there's any real point in me taking it. I'm also wondering about whether to continue using Pre-Seed... Maybe we should just try "naturally" and see what happens.
My hubby will call the insurance company later today and hopefully resolve the issue of them denying my claims. Everything I've had done should be covered, so they're not getting out of paying!
We went to the gym yesterday, and Sunday too. We're getting back in the habit of going 3-4 times a week (we became slack after our vacation!). We'll go again tomorrow and then probably Saturday and possibly Sunday as well. I like going on the weekend, it's nice and quiet! I always feel better after working out, even if I really didn't want to go to the gym beforehand. Yesterday was one of those days when I didn't feel like going, but I'm so glad we did.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about what treatments we might be willing to do if we're unable to conceive naturally. I've mentioned before that my gynecologist said she would prescribe 3 months of Clomid if I wanted her to, but I'm reluctant to take it at this point in time. I'm worried about it messing up my subsequent cycles, if it doesn't work. I'm also not sure if my gynecologist would monitor me on it, and I know it's probably safe but I'd rather be monitored if I was taking something like that. I read somewhere that you can only take Clomid 12 times in your life, so to do 3 cycles unmonitored seems unwise to me. That's just my opinion, though. It's just that, unmonitored, how do they know if you're responding to it, or if you need a higher (or lower) dose? I'm not saying I'd never take Clomid, I just don't think this is the right time to take it.
We really want a baby, but I can't see us ever doing IVF to have one. It's just so expensive and I don't think I could go through that when the outcome isn't even close to guaranteed. I know many couples will do anything and everything to have a baby, and I'm not knocking them at all, but I don't think we will do that. The more I think about it, the more I feel that we should just see what happens.
The trouble with unexplained infertility is that there are no answers. It's frustrating. We don't have a reason to stop TTC, because technically there's nothing wrong with us and we should be able to conceive. I don't know how long we should keep trying, because every cycle has the potential to be "the one". I don't think I can keep doing this forever, though. If another year passes and we still haven't conceived, then I don't know if I can keep going through this cycle of ups and downs. Right now I'm feeling kind of positive: this cycle is a fresh chance and I'm waiting to ovulate. If nothing happens this time there will be the heartache of another failed cycle, and then there will be a sense of renewed hope next cycle. It's never-ending.
I know I probably sound really depressed at the moment, but I'm actually not. I feel like I'm regaining control of my life, and facing up to the reality that maybe we won't have children. I'm not happy about that prospect, of course, but maybe this is what's meant to be, for some reason or another. Even as I write this, however, there's a little part of me that thinks this cycle could be it! I guess that I can tell myself it's OK all I want, but deep down I hope it doesn't have to be this way.
Monday, July 16, 2012
One year, one month and one week.
My period arrived about half-way through the pug rescue event I was running yesterday. I was prepared for it (my temp dropped by 0.5 yesterday). My LP was 12 days this time; usually it's 13, but it's been 12 the last couple of months. My OB wasn't worried about it when I asked, she said it was fine.
My pug rescue event went well in spite of everything. Apparently I'm good at putting on a brave face when I need to; I'm sure nobody knew there was anything wrong. In private I'm not always so well composed, but that doesn't count, right?! I had a little meltdown on Friday night, because I just knew my period was going to come yet again. I'd been so positive for that cycle, and it really hurt when it didn't result in a BFP. I guess I pinned all my hopes on the HSG miraculously making me super fertile, or something like that. Ridiculous, I know.
I think if I'm not pregnant in the next few months, we'll probably be taking a little break from TTC. If we do, we won't prevent pregnancy (ha! Like we need to anyway!) but I'll maybe take some time off from charting and just see what happens. I'm a bit of a control freak so I'm not sure I could stop - I like knowing what's going on, at least to some extent! Maybe I should try it for a cycle or two, though.
I've been thinking about emailing my cousin, the one whose wife is pregnant with baby #2. The one who claims to understand exactly what we're going through, because they tried for a few months for their first. The one who gave me the oh-so-useful advice, "relax!". I feel as though I should check in with them and ask how everything's going, but I can't bring myself to ask. I wish them well with the baby, of course, but now that they know a little of our struggles I'm finding it really awkward to contact them. I don't know what to say. I don't want their pity, and I definitely don't want to hear that all I need to do is relax. It's going to be like the elephant in the room - I don't want to talk about it, they know we're TTC, they're understandably excited about their new addition... and their happy updates cut me like a knife. What do I even have to tell them? I can tell them about my new role in the pug rescue, which I'm really excited about, but it just seems so lame compared to their baby news. He was on Skype this morning when I was talking to a friend, and I was so glad when he logged off without saying anything to me. I may not be very long into my infertility journey, but it's already changed so much in my life. I used to hope we'd get to talk, and now I tend to hope we won't. Their baby is due 2 days after our wedding anniversary; is it awful of me to hope it's not born on our anniversary? I know it shouldn't matter at all, but the fact that it might be just makes me so sad. If we weren't TTC, it wouldn't bother me in the least.
One year, one month, one week - that's how long my TTC ticker informs me we've been trying. I know that's not very long compared to many couples, but it feels like an eternity. Occasionally I torture myself by reading the "getting pregnant" forum, and I see women posting "I finally got my BFP after 3 whole months of trying!". Finally, because taking 3 months to get pregnant is clearly completely abnormal in their world! I wish that was my world, too. I wish I didn't know what it is to have to actively try, and fail, to conceive.
I hate that we had all the testing done and still have no answers. We're doing everything right, even my OB said so - shouldn't I at least have gotten pregnant once in this time, then? Even if it was a chemical pregnancy, or just not a viable pregnancy - shouldn't something have happened? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have a CP or a MC. I do want to know I can get pregnant, though. I guess I'm just disillusioned with it all.
My pug rescue event went well in spite of everything. Apparently I'm good at putting on a brave face when I need to; I'm sure nobody knew there was anything wrong. In private I'm not always so well composed, but that doesn't count, right?! I had a little meltdown on Friday night, because I just knew my period was going to come yet again. I'd been so positive for that cycle, and it really hurt when it didn't result in a BFP. I guess I pinned all my hopes on the HSG miraculously making me super fertile, or something like that. Ridiculous, I know.
I think if I'm not pregnant in the next few months, we'll probably be taking a little break from TTC. If we do, we won't prevent pregnancy (ha! Like we need to anyway!) but I'll maybe take some time off from charting and just see what happens. I'm a bit of a control freak so I'm not sure I could stop - I like knowing what's going on, at least to some extent! Maybe I should try it for a cycle or two, though.
I've been thinking about emailing my cousin, the one whose wife is pregnant with baby #2. The one who claims to understand exactly what we're going through, because they tried for a few months for their first. The one who gave me the oh-so-useful advice, "relax!". I feel as though I should check in with them and ask how everything's going, but I can't bring myself to ask. I wish them well with the baby, of course, but now that they know a little of our struggles I'm finding it really awkward to contact them. I don't know what to say. I don't want their pity, and I definitely don't want to hear that all I need to do is relax. It's going to be like the elephant in the room - I don't want to talk about it, they know we're TTC, they're understandably excited about their new addition... and their happy updates cut me like a knife. What do I even have to tell them? I can tell them about my new role in the pug rescue, which I'm really excited about, but it just seems so lame compared to their baby news. He was on Skype this morning when I was talking to a friend, and I was so glad when he logged off without saying anything to me. I may not be very long into my infertility journey, but it's already changed so much in my life. I used to hope we'd get to talk, and now I tend to hope we won't. Their baby is due 2 days after our wedding anniversary; is it awful of me to hope it's not born on our anniversary? I know it shouldn't matter at all, but the fact that it might be just makes me so sad. If we weren't TTC, it wouldn't bother me in the least.
One year, one month, one week - that's how long my TTC ticker informs me we've been trying. I know that's not very long compared to many couples, but it feels like an eternity. Occasionally I torture myself by reading the "getting pregnant" forum, and I see women posting "I finally got my BFP after 3 whole months of trying!". Finally, because taking 3 months to get pregnant is clearly completely abnormal in their world! I wish that was my world, too. I wish I didn't know what it is to have to actively try, and fail, to conceive.
I hate that we had all the testing done and still have no answers. We're doing everything right, even my OB said so - shouldn't I at least have gotten pregnant once in this time, then? Even if it was a chemical pregnancy, or just not a viable pregnancy - shouldn't something have happened? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have a CP or a MC. I do want to know I can get pregnant, though. I guess I'm just disillusioned with it all.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Temp drop at 11 dpo
I tested again this morning and got another BFN. I know I probably shouldn't have bothered testing, but I did it anyway. I'm still spotting, but it's a little weird: when it started yesterday it was light, then got heavier throughout the day. This morning it started out light and has become a bit heavier, but not as much as yesterday. My temp dropped this morning, though, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get a BFP this time.
I guess my temp could go back up tomorrow. My cervix is high, but I know that can change throughout the day. I still feel nauseous and I've had a headache on and off for the past 24 hours. I'm pretty sure it's either progesterone-related or just a random thing, because if it was a true pregnancy symptom I should be getting positive tests, right? I didn't sleep that well last night, so I'm really tired. I think an afternoon nap might be in order!
I guess my temp could go back up tomorrow. My cervix is high, but I know that can change throughout the day. I still feel nauseous and I've had a headache on and off for the past 24 hours. I'm pretty sure it's either progesterone-related or just a random thing, because if it was a true pregnancy symptom I should be getting positive tests, right? I didn't sleep that well last night, so I'm really tired. I think an afternoon nap might be in order!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
10 dpo (and it looks like I'm out)
Just like my last cycle, the spotting has started already. 10 dpo and spotting. Ugh!!! This really isn't a good sign at all; I'm 99% sure that this cycle is yet another failure. I know I'm technically not out until AF shows, but I feel as though this is it. I'm cramping as well as spotting, so it seems likely that I'm not going to be pregnant this time. I used to try to convince myself that spotting could be implantation bleeding, but after all this time I'm not able to do that anymore. I mean, who am I kidding?!
Last month I also started spotting at 10 dpo and my LP ended up being 12 days, a day shorter than usual. The same thing's happening this month with the spotting, so I guess my LP might be 12 days again.
I wonder why it has to be so hard for us to have a baby. Why us? I know there are many, many more people out there who are having a way harder time conceiving than we are, so I feel insensitive writing this. I just don't get it. We're doing everything in our power to make it happen, and it never does. I've been taking vitamins since before we started trying, temping since cycle 2, taking additional B-complex vitamins since cycle 3, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed... Even my gynecologist said we've been doing everything we possibly can. So why isn't it happening? We're not bad people - we don't do drugs, we're not criminals, we're not alcoholics, we definitely wouldn't abuse our kids. Why do we have to struggle with this while so many awful people get to reproduce without so much as a second thought? I know the world isn't fair, but this feels like a kick in the teeth. Every day there are news stories about so-called parents who starved their kids to death, beat them to death, tortured them, killed them... Yet they get to have kids? Really??
We have a great marriage, a lovely home and so much love to give. If I'd known when we bought this house that we'd still not be expecting after a year of TTC, I'd never have designated a "baby room". Of course there's nothing in there really, no baby stuff at least (we use it for random things) - but it's still the baby room. And we have no baby. The way things are going, we may never have one. That room is going to haunt me and I can't bring myself to do anything with it, just in case. I mean, if we furnish it and everything and then I got pregnant, it would have been a waste of time and money. So it sits virtually empty, save for a few bits and pieces that we store in there. I honestly don't know what I'd do with the room anyway - in my mind it's supposed to be a nursery. I'm starting to hate that room because of its emptiness.
I feel as though my tests will come back really bad. We know my husband's tests were all great - better than they should be. I just know there has to be something wrong with me, it doesn't make sense otherwise. I just want to get the damn HSG done, along with the glucose test, and find out if there's any hope of us conceiving naturally. If it turns out our only option is IVF, then it's game over. I don't have my blood test results, but I assume I'll get them when I go back for my follow-up appointment. I guess if there was something drastically wrong with those, they'd have called me by now.
We badly need this little vacation we're going on. It's only 3 nights but I feel as though it will do us the world of good. I really wish it could be a week or more, but that's not possible right now due to my hubby's work schedule. It'll be so nice to get away from everything, although I guess what I need to get away from the most is my thoughts. I wish I could shut the whole TTC/infertility thing off, and not think about it at all. That would be wonderful.
Last month I also started spotting at 10 dpo and my LP ended up being 12 days, a day shorter than usual. The same thing's happening this month with the spotting, so I guess my LP might be 12 days again.
I wonder why it has to be so hard for us to have a baby. Why us? I know there are many, many more people out there who are having a way harder time conceiving than we are, so I feel insensitive writing this. I just don't get it. We're doing everything in our power to make it happen, and it never does. I've been taking vitamins since before we started trying, temping since cycle 2, taking additional B-complex vitamins since cycle 3, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed... Even my gynecologist said we've been doing everything we possibly can. So why isn't it happening? We're not bad people - we don't do drugs, we're not criminals, we're not alcoholics, we definitely wouldn't abuse our kids. Why do we have to struggle with this while so many awful people get to reproduce without so much as a second thought? I know the world isn't fair, but this feels like a kick in the teeth. Every day there are news stories about so-called parents who starved their kids to death, beat them to death, tortured them, killed them... Yet they get to have kids? Really??
We have a great marriage, a lovely home and so much love to give. If I'd known when we bought this house that we'd still not be expecting after a year of TTC, I'd never have designated a "baby room". Of course there's nothing in there really, no baby stuff at least (we use it for random things) - but it's still the baby room. And we have no baby. The way things are going, we may never have one. That room is going to haunt me and I can't bring myself to do anything with it, just in case. I mean, if we furnish it and everything and then I got pregnant, it would have been a waste of time and money. So it sits virtually empty, save for a few bits and pieces that we store in there. I honestly don't know what I'd do with the room anyway - in my mind it's supposed to be a nursery. I'm starting to hate that room because of its emptiness.
I feel as though my tests will come back really bad. We know my husband's tests were all great - better than they should be. I just know there has to be something wrong with me, it doesn't make sense otherwise. I just want to get the damn HSG done, along with the glucose test, and find out if there's any hope of us conceiving naturally. If it turns out our only option is IVF, then it's game over. I don't have my blood test results, but I assume I'll get them when I go back for my follow-up appointment. I guess if there was something drastically wrong with those, they'd have called me by now.
We badly need this little vacation we're going on. It's only 3 nights but I feel as though it will do us the world of good. I really wish it could be a week or more, but that's not possible right now due to my hubby's work schedule. It'll be so nice to get away from everything, although I guess what I need to get away from the most is my thoughts. I wish I could shut the whole TTC/infertility thing off, and not think about it at all. That would be wonderful.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
9 dpo
I'm 9 dpo today and so far my chart looks pretty good. I'm not really expecting anything to happen, but it would be so awesome if I finally got pregnant!
In a few days it'll be exactly a year since we officially started trying for a baby. If I'm not pregnant this cycle, I'll be getting my HSG and glucose testing done early in my next cycle (I'm thinking probably CD8, which should be around 6/18). I could potentially schedule the testing for 6/15 but my periods are anything from 4 to 6 days long, and if CD1 is 6/11 that might be too soon. Then it's the weekend 6/16 and 6/17, so the gynecology office is closed. I guess 6/18 would be my best bet, unless of course my period comes early (which I really hope it doesn't, because I don't want to have a LP defect!).
We're still going to the gym regularly, but I think I've maybe pulled something in my right calf because my usual workout using the 'hill' setting on the treadmill has been causing me problems the last couple of times we've been. Normally I would do an hour on that setting and burn 500 calories, but Sunday I had to quit the treadmill after 25 minutes and switch to the bike, and yesterday I had to change the program to a less intense one. I stayed on the treadmill but only burned 380 calories. It's better than nothing but I found it kind of frustrating that I couldn't do the workout I wanted to do. Oh well!
In a few days it'll be exactly a year since we officially started trying for a baby. If I'm not pregnant this cycle, I'll be getting my HSG and glucose testing done early in my next cycle (I'm thinking probably CD8, which should be around 6/18). I could potentially schedule the testing for 6/15 but my periods are anything from 4 to 6 days long, and if CD1 is 6/11 that might be too soon. Then it's the weekend 6/16 and 6/17, so the gynecology office is closed. I guess 6/18 would be my best bet, unless of course my period comes early (which I really hope it doesn't, because I don't want to have a LP defect!).
We're still going to the gym regularly, but I think I've maybe pulled something in my right calf because my usual workout using the 'hill' setting on the treadmill has been causing me problems the last couple of times we've been. Normally I would do an hour on that setting and burn 500 calories, but Sunday I had to quit the treadmill after 25 minutes and switch to the bike, and yesterday I had to change the program to a less intense one. I stayed on the treadmill but only burned 380 calories. It's better than nothing but I found it kind of frustrating that I couldn't do the workout I wanted to do. Oh well!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Hubby's appointment & more
My hubby's appointment today went well. The doctor didn't fob us off, he was very nice and gave my hubby a referral for a semen analysis and some bloodwork (which, if the SA comes back fine, will be irrelevant in terms of TTC but still useful to know about). He's getting his thyroid and testosterone tested, along with cholesterol.
We went to the lab (it's in the same building as the doctor) and they gave us a cup for the semen sample. It's good that he can "obtain the sample" at home, I imagine it'd be quite stressful having to do it at the lab with people waiting on you.
While we were talking with the doctor I asked if he could recommend a gynecologist and it turns out there's one in the same building who he recommended. I went and registered with them and I have an appointment for next Monday. I'll get a pap smear and discuss TTC with them. The doctor we spoke with at my hubby's appointment didn't seem concerned with the fact that I usually ovulate around CD21, he said as long as I'm ovulating it's all good. I'll see what the gynecologist says when I have my appointment. At least I have everything printed out now, so even though I didn't end up needing to show the doctor my charts today it wasn't a waste of paper printing them. I hope the gynecologist is nice and will listen to me. Maybe she'll be able to see something wrong from my charts, who knows?
I feel better now that we're being proactive, anyway. I have no idea what my hubby's test results will be like, or whether I'll be needing testing also (most likely HSG, ultrasounds, bloodwork) but now that we're starting down the road of testing, I just feel more positive. It's weird because I always hoped we'd never need to do anything like this, but we do and that's that. If one (or both) of us has a problem it's better to address it than just keep blindly TTC. Maybe if there's something wrong it'll be easily fixed. It could be something really simple to treat. Either way, if there's something wrong we want to know about it.
As I said to my hubby, if we find out that we're not going to be able to have kids I'll be devastated, but I think in a way it might be easier to find closure and move on than if they can't find any problems and yet we still can't get pregnant. I mean, obviously I'd hate to have to face being truly infertile, but then we'd stop TTC and find a new direction in life I guess. If you find out you have "unexplained infertility" then when do you stop trying? Do you stop? I know you can just "go with the flow" and not prevent pregnancy, but you'd always be wondering if you might be pregnant, you know? I don't want anything to be wrong with either of us, but at least if they know what the problem is it might be able to be sorted out. Not knowing would be torture, I think. I don't know if what I just wrote makes sense, but hopefully it does.
We went to the lab (it's in the same building as the doctor) and they gave us a cup for the semen sample. It's good that he can "obtain the sample" at home, I imagine it'd be quite stressful having to do it at the lab with people waiting on you.
While we were talking with the doctor I asked if he could recommend a gynecologist and it turns out there's one in the same building who he recommended. I went and registered with them and I have an appointment for next Monday. I'll get a pap smear and discuss TTC with them. The doctor we spoke with at my hubby's appointment didn't seem concerned with the fact that I usually ovulate around CD21, he said as long as I'm ovulating it's all good. I'll see what the gynecologist says when I have my appointment. At least I have everything printed out now, so even though I didn't end up needing to show the doctor my charts today it wasn't a waste of paper printing them. I hope the gynecologist is nice and will listen to me. Maybe she'll be able to see something wrong from my charts, who knows?
I feel better now that we're being proactive, anyway. I have no idea what my hubby's test results will be like, or whether I'll be needing testing also (most likely HSG, ultrasounds, bloodwork) but now that we're starting down the road of testing, I just feel more positive. It's weird because I always hoped we'd never need to do anything like this, but we do and that's that. If one (or both) of us has a problem it's better to address it than just keep blindly TTC. Maybe if there's something wrong it'll be easily fixed. It could be something really simple to treat. Either way, if there's something wrong we want to know about it.
As I said to my hubby, if we find out that we're not going to be able to have kids I'll be devastated, but I think in a way it might be easier to find closure and move on than if they can't find any problems and yet we still can't get pregnant. I mean, obviously I'd hate to have to face being truly infertile, but then we'd stop TTC and find a new direction in life I guess. If you find out you have "unexplained infertility" then when do you stop trying? Do you stop? I know you can just "go with the flow" and not prevent pregnancy, but you'd always be wondering if you might be pregnant, you know? I don't want anything to be wrong with either of us, but at least if they know what the problem is it might be able to be sorted out. Not knowing would be torture, I think. I don't know if what I just wrote makes sense, but hopefully it does.
Gym induction... demoralizing.
We had our gym induction yesterday. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but I wasn't expecting to be made to feel like a piece of crap either. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and get fit. I get that. That's why I'm eating healthier and going to the gym. Just because the last time I went to the gym I only went for like 3 months, doesn't mean I won't keep it up this time. FYI, the reason I stopped going last time was because I was in the process of getting my visa to move to the US, so I had a lot of other stuff going on.
The guy wasn't 100% awful or anything, but he said a few things that really irked me. He asked how many meals we eat every day and I said 2-3, because sometimes I don't have a "proper" breakfast or lunch. He made some comment about "well I don't know what you're eating" in a kind of condescending tone - he may as well have just said "well obviously all you do is eat junk food 24/7". I'm really trying to eat healthier, and I've been doing well. I don't need that kind of attitude. At least I'm actually trying to be fitter. He also said that I need a personal trainer because with my track record I won't manage on my own. This was after I said I don't want a personal trainer, I want to do my own thing. I really don't want a personal trainer, but even if I did I don't know if I could afford it. Honestly, I like going to the gym and working out the way I want to. OK so it might not be the absolute most effective way, but I'm not a pro-athlete! If I want to go on the treadmill walking at a fast pace on an incline for an hour, then so be it. Isn't that a whole lot better than sitting at home doing nothing? I burned 715 calories doing that on Sunday: that can't be a bad thing!
I felt a lot better about myself before the damn induction, anyway. I wish I'd just skipped it and done a workout instead of sitting there for an hour feeling worse and worse.
I know that for a stranger's words to have such an impact on me, it probably means I have self-esteem issues. As far as my weight goes, I am very self-conscious about it. I just don't see how making someone feel like shit is the way to go. I mean, I felt more motivated before the induction than I do now. I'm not letting that one guy put me off - I need to go to the gym and make these changes, so I will. It's just quite demoralizing when someone basically has no faith whatsoever in you and tells you you're not going to achieve your goals without help from someone else. I will, thank you very much. How about actually trying to encourage people, rather than put them down?
I'm not morbidly obese, by the way. My BMI is a lot higher than I'd like it to be (about 32). I weighed in at 212 on Saturday, but I was on my period and likely had some water retention going on. I'm usually about 209, which isn't great but I'm 5 ft 8" so I'm not absolutely huge. Anyway, that's why I'm making these lifestyle changes - I want to get fit again. I'd like to lose about 50 pounds, if I can.
After yesterday, I kind of wish my hubby didn't want me to go to his appointment with him. I've never met this doctor and I feel as though he's going to take one look at me and blame all our fertility issues on me. I hate going to the doctor in the first place, so the last thing I need is for them to fob us off today. I printed all my charts and made some lists of things we've tried and when, and cycle lists (dates, O day, LP, duration). I don't know if the doctor will look at them or not, but I'll have them just in case. We'll see, anyway.
The thought crossed my mind last night that maybe we should forget TTC until I've lost as much weight as I can. That would be for at least 6 months, maybe longer. I'd only be 29 then, but I still want to have a baby as soon as possible. We've been trying for virtually a year now, I don't know if I can just quit like that. I do wonder if it would be a good idea, though. Maybe we should take some kind of break because it's starting to drive me crazy. I hate being in this funk, I think about it way too much and it gets me down all the time. I really don't know what to do for the best.
The guy wasn't 100% awful or anything, but he said a few things that really irked me. He asked how many meals we eat every day and I said 2-3, because sometimes I don't have a "proper" breakfast or lunch. He made some comment about "well I don't know what you're eating" in a kind of condescending tone - he may as well have just said "well obviously all you do is eat junk food 24/7". I'm really trying to eat healthier, and I've been doing well. I don't need that kind of attitude. At least I'm actually trying to be fitter. He also said that I need a personal trainer because with my track record I won't manage on my own. This was after I said I don't want a personal trainer, I want to do my own thing. I really don't want a personal trainer, but even if I did I don't know if I could afford it. Honestly, I like going to the gym and working out the way I want to. OK so it might not be the absolute most effective way, but I'm not a pro-athlete! If I want to go on the treadmill walking at a fast pace on an incline for an hour, then so be it. Isn't that a whole lot better than sitting at home doing nothing? I burned 715 calories doing that on Sunday: that can't be a bad thing!
I felt a lot better about myself before the damn induction, anyway. I wish I'd just skipped it and done a workout instead of sitting there for an hour feeling worse and worse.
I know that for a stranger's words to have such an impact on me, it probably means I have self-esteem issues. As far as my weight goes, I am very self-conscious about it. I just don't see how making someone feel like shit is the way to go. I mean, I felt more motivated before the induction than I do now. I'm not letting that one guy put me off - I need to go to the gym and make these changes, so I will. It's just quite demoralizing when someone basically has no faith whatsoever in you and tells you you're not going to achieve your goals without help from someone else. I will, thank you very much. How about actually trying to encourage people, rather than put them down?
I'm not morbidly obese, by the way. My BMI is a lot higher than I'd like it to be (about 32). I weighed in at 212 on Saturday, but I was on my period and likely had some water retention going on. I'm usually about 209, which isn't great but I'm 5 ft 8" so I'm not absolutely huge. Anyway, that's why I'm making these lifestyle changes - I want to get fit again. I'd like to lose about 50 pounds, if I can.
After yesterday, I kind of wish my hubby didn't want me to go to his appointment with him. I've never met this doctor and I feel as though he's going to take one look at me and blame all our fertility issues on me. I hate going to the doctor in the first place, so the last thing I need is for them to fob us off today. I printed all my charts and made some lists of things we've tried and when, and cycle lists (dates, O day, LP, duration). I don't know if the doctor will look at them or not, but I'll have them just in case. We'll see, anyway.
The thought crossed my mind last night that maybe we should forget TTC until I've lost as much weight as I can. That would be for at least 6 months, maybe longer. I'd only be 29 then, but I still want to have a baby as soon as possible. We've been trying for virtually a year now, I don't know if I can just quit like that. I do wonder if it would be a good idea, though. Maybe we should take some kind of break because it's starting to drive me crazy. I hate being in this funk, I think about it way too much and it gets me down all the time. I really don't know what to do for the best.
Monday, May 14, 2012
CD4, Cycle #11 (10 charting)
We're loving going to the gym! We went Wednesday (30 mins), Thursday (1 hour), Saturday night (30 mins) and yesterday (1 hour). We have our official gym induction tomorrow so we'll be there again.
While we were at the gym on Thursday, someone (or some people) tried to break into our next-door neighbor's house. They pried a couple of the window screens off to try and open the windows; they tried to get in the back doors using a crowbar; they messed with the electricity box (pulled out one of the wires) and they stole the circuit breaker (or something like that) from the A/C box. He didn't realize anything was amiss until the A/C wasn't working properly - when he went to investigate, he found the bent window screens on the ground and everything else. He's a single dad of a 9 year old son, and the kid is understandably freaked out by all of this. Hell, I'm freaked out and it wasn't our house they tried to get into.
We'd been talking about getting a security door for a while, and Thursday's events prompted us to get the ball rolling. We ordered it Friday, and it's supposed to take about a month to be built and installed. I hope it'll be ready sooner than that, though. I know the chances are nobody is going to try to get in the front door, but it'll make everything much easier generally - we'll be able to answer the door without first having to round up the dogs, for one. Also, we'll be able to air the house out without the dogs getting loose.
We also started using our house alarm. We'd never used it before, but it makes sense to since it's here! I know nothing will stop someone who's really determined to get in, but it might just deter someone. It's LOUD!
Yesterday was Mother's Day, of course. It was kind of a sad day for me, but I hope that next year it'll be better. My hubby has his doctor appointment on Wednesday, so hopefully he'll get a referral for a SA. My period came on Friday so that cycle ended up being 29 days - the shortest since we started TTC. My LP was 12 days, which I'm not too worried about but last time it was 15 and it's usually 13, so I don't know what's going on really. I sometimes wonder if it's a problem that I start spotting a few days before my period starts, but I guess I'll find out when I get tested (probably in 2-3 months time if I'm still not pregnant by then). Today is CD4 so hopefully I'll ovulate in around 2 weeks time. I know that when my hubby gets his SA done he'll need to abstain for 2-3 days beforehand, so depending on appointment availability he may need to wait until after I ovulate to get the test done. If he can get it done by CD14, great. If not, then it'll have to be after O.
Part of me thinks we should just not try this month. Partly because maybe we could use a break, but also because my mom and step-dad are coming to visit in February. They're arriving 2/22 and leaving 3/8. If I were to get pregnant this cycle, my EDD would be around the middle of February. Some people would think "great timing, how wonderful!" but I don't! We've already talked about it (months ago) and decided that when we eventually have a baby, we don't want any house-guests around. My mom and step-dad are staying with us, and that would drive me crazy if I was about to give birth or had just given birth. I don't mind having guests at a 'normal' time, but I can only imagine how stressful it would be trying to 'entertain' guests while sleep-deprived and in pain, trying to establish a routine with the baby, learning to breastfeed, etc. It would be a very bad thing having guests at that time.
The part of me that thinks we should maybe take a break from trying is smaller than the part of me that thinks "chances are it won't happen anyway, so we may as well try. Plus, what if this is our month?" Hmmm. I don't know what to do really. I guess if I do get pregnant this cycle, we can tell my mom they'll have to stay in a hotel. I guess that would probably be rude, but surely they'd understand? There's plenty of time between now and then for them to organize a hotel, it's not like it's next week or anything. Why am I even thinking about this, anyway? More likely than not, we won't have anything to work out because the chances of me getting pregnant this month are probably as good as they have been for the past year - nothing's happened yet, so why would it all of a sudden happen now? Pessimistic I know, but when I get my hopes up it hurts more when I don't get pregnant.
While we were at the gym on Thursday, someone (or some people) tried to break into our next-door neighbor's house. They pried a couple of the window screens off to try and open the windows; they tried to get in the back doors using a crowbar; they messed with the electricity box (pulled out one of the wires) and they stole the circuit breaker (or something like that) from the A/C box. He didn't realize anything was amiss until the A/C wasn't working properly - when he went to investigate, he found the bent window screens on the ground and everything else. He's a single dad of a 9 year old son, and the kid is understandably freaked out by all of this. Hell, I'm freaked out and it wasn't our house they tried to get into.
We'd been talking about getting a security door for a while, and Thursday's events prompted us to get the ball rolling. We ordered it Friday, and it's supposed to take about a month to be built and installed. I hope it'll be ready sooner than that, though. I know the chances are nobody is going to try to get in the front door, but it'll make everything much easier generally - we'll be able to answer the door without first having to round up the dogs, for one. Also, we'll be able to air the house out without the dogs getting loose.
We also started using our house alarm. We'd never used it before, but it makes sense to since it's here! I know nothing will stop someone who's really determined to get in, but it might just deter someone. It's LOUD!
Yesterday was Mother's Day, of course. It was kind of a sad day for me, but I hope that next year it'll be better. My hubby has his doctor appointment on Wednesday, so hopefully he'll get a referral for a SA. My period came on Friday so that cycle ended up being 29 days - the shortest since we started TTC. My LP was 12 days, which I'm not too worried about but last time it was 15 and it's usually 13, so I don't know what's going on really. I sometimes wonder if it's a problem that I start spotting a few days before my period starts, but I guess I'll find out when I get tested (probably in 2-3 months time if I'm still not pregnant by then). Today is CD4 so hopefully I'll ovulate in around 2 weeks time. I know that when my hubby gets his SA done he'll need to abstain for 2-3 days beforehand, so depending on appointment availability he may need to wait until after I ovulate to get the test done. If he can get it done by CD14, great. If not, then it'll have to be after O.
Part of me thinks we should just not try this month. Partly because maybe we could use a break, but also because my mom and step-dad are coming to visit in February. They're arriving 2/22 and leaving 3/8. If I were to get pregnant this cycle, my EDD would be around the middle of February. Some people would think "great timing, how wonderful!" but I don't! We've already talked about it (months ago) and decided that when we eventually have a baby, we don't want any house-guests around. My mom and step-dad are staying with us, and that would drive me crazy if I was about to give birth or had just given birth. I don't mind having guests at a 'normal' time, but I can only imagine how stressful it would be trying to 'entertain' guests while sleep-deprived and in pain, trying to establish a routine with the baby, learning to breastfeed, etc. It would be a very bad thing having guests at that time.
The part of me that thinks we should maybe take a break from trying is smaller than the part of me that thinks "chances are it won't happen anyway, so we may as well try. Plus, what if this is our month?" Hmmm. I don't know what to do really. I guess if I do get pregnant this cycle, we can tell my mom they'll have to stay in a hotel. I guess that would probably be rude, but surely they'd understand? There's plenty of time between now and then for them to organize a hotel, it's not like it's next week or anything. Why am I even thinking about this, anyway? More likely than not, we won't have anything to work out because the chances of me getting pregnant this month are probably as good as they have been for the past year - nothing's happened yet, so why would it all of a sudden happen now? Pessimistic I know, but when I get my hopes up it hurts more when I don't get pregnant.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Changes for the better
Yesterday we went and joined the gym. We managed to fit in a 30 minute workout, which isn't as much as I'd have liked but by the time we'd been to the store (I needed some sneakers and we both needed shorts!), then signed up at the gym, it was close to 5 p.m. We're going again today when my hubby finishes work, and this time we'll probably be there for an hour or so. We both felt better after our short workout yesterday, so going regularly will definitely help.
I'm eating healthier now too - more fruit and less of the "bad" stuff. I don't know if the exercise or healthier eating will make a difference to us having a baby, but they're good steps to take anyway.
As for this cycle... it's virtually over now. My temp dropped drastically this morning so I think my period will start either tomorrow or Saturday.
This probably sounds terrible, but I'm glad that I haven't heard from my cousin and his wife since they announced their new pregnancy. I can really do without her going on about "how much worse everything is when you're pregnant" - said with a smug smile. Hmmm. They don't know anything about us TTC, but comments like that are a bit of a blow right now. Rationally I know that comment was nothing, but it irked me. Kind of like when people say stuff like "you wouldn't know since you don't have kids", etc. Like I need reminding of that!
Luckily nobody has really asked me recently when we're planning on having kids. I hate that question and all variations of it! The only person who's asked is my grandma, and that was when I called her about 5 weeks ago. If I still had a relationship with my narcissist dad, he'd be harping on about it every couple of weeks. "No exciting news, then?" - very subtle, huh?
Only a couple of close friends know we're TTC, and they know it's kind of a sensitive subject and don't bring it up unless I do first. I haven't even told my mom we're TTC! I don't really know why, because she's nothing like my dad and wouldn't be a pain about it, but I think I just don't want to tell her. Is that weird? Maybe part of it is that I think she might tell other people, like my aunt or my stepdad, and that would piss me off. Plus, she'd probably tell me "it'll happen when the time's right" or "relax and it'll happen", or even "you've got loads of time, don't worry about it!". First off, I'm 28 and my hubby is 30 - I know we're not past it yet, but ideally we'd like to have 2 or 3 kids so we want to have one soon. I don't want to be having kids late, really. Secondly, my mom was 24 when she had me and my parents only tried for 6 months. They never had any other kids, but I don't know why. I don't know if they just didn't want any more, or if they tried and weren't able to have another. I don't really feel like asking, honestly - it would feel rude.
I'm eating healthier now too - more fruit and less of the "bad" stuff. I don't know if the exercise or healthier eating will make a difference to us having a baby, but they're good steps to take anyway.
As for this cycle... it's virtually over now. My temp dropped drastically this morning so I think my period will start either tomorrow or Saturday.
Luckily nobody has really asked me recently when we're planning on having kids. I hate that question and all variations of it! The only person who's asked is my grandma, and that was when I called her about 5 weeks ago. If I still had a relationship with my narcissist dad, he'd be harping on about it every couple of weeks. "No exciting news, then?" - very subtle, huh?
Only a couple of close friends know we're TTC, and they know it's kind of a sensitive subject and don't bring it up unless I do first. I haven't even told my mom we're TTC! I don't really know why, because she's nothing like my dad and wouldn't be a pain about it, but I think I just don't want to tell her. Is that weird? Maybe part of it is that I think she might tell other people, like my aunt or my stepdad, and that would piss me off. Plus, she'd probably tell me "it'll happen when the time's right" or "relax and it'll happen", or even "you've got loads of time, don't worry about it!". First off, I'm 28 and my hubby is 30 - I know we're not past it yet, but ideally we'd like to have 2 or 3 kids so we want to have one soon. I don't want to be having kids late, really. Secondly, my mom was 24 when she had me and my parents only tried for 6 months. They never had any other kids, but I don't know why. I don't know if they just didn't want any more, or if they tried and weren't able to have another. I don't really feel like asking, honestly - it would feel rude.
Monday, May 7, 2012
9 dpo today
I haven't had any further spotting or bleeding since my last post. It lasted for that one day (6 dpo) and that's it. This morning I tested and it was negative, which isn't too surprising since today is only 9 dpo. I should've waited, really. I guess I'll test again in a couple of days at 11 dpo. Who knows how long my LP will be this time... my last one was 15 days but it's usually 13. I'll just have to watch my temperatures and see what happens!
I've been having a lot of left-sided cramping and some back pain, which I read is a good sign, but at this point I've had almost every "pregnancy" symptom in the book at one point or another so I'm not really getting my hopes up too much! I'd like to think that it'll be our turn, but I need to be realistic too. In 2 days we'll have been TTC for 11 months, and each of my previous cycles has ended in major disappointment. That's not to say it's impossible for this cycle to have a different outcome: just that after all this time I'm so used to seeing BFNs and being disappointed that I can't invest too much in the idea that I could actually get a BFP.
My chart still looks pretty good and I'm not worried about my temp dropping this morning. There's every chance it could go back up tomorrow. Even if it doesn't, it's still way above my pre-ovulation temps so it's still OK.
I've been having a lot of left-sided cramping and some back pain, which I read is a good sign, but at this point I've had almost every "pregnancy" symptom in the book at one point or another so I'm not really getting my hopes up too much! I'd like to think that it'll be our turn, but I need to be realistic too. In 2 days we'll have been TTC for 11 months, and each of my previous cycles has ended in major disappointment. That's not to say it's impossible for this cycle to have a different outcome: just that after all this time I'm so used to seeing BFNs and being disappointed that I can't invest too much in the idea that I could actually get a BFP.
My chart still looks pretty good and I'm not worried about my temp dropping this morning. There's every chance it could go back up tomorrow. Even if it doesn't, it's still way above my pre-ovulation temps so it's still OK.
Anyway I need to do the dishes, make bread and generally clean the house. Fun times! ;)
Monday, April 23, 2012
I have to move on
I've decided that I can't continue to dwell on my lack of pregnancy. I just can't keep on like this. I'm going to try to adopt the laid-back perspective of "if it happens, it happens". That's not to say that we won't continue to actively try; we will. I just can't focus on it so much any longer.
On one level I would like to quit charting, but I feel it would be a mistake to do so because if we do end up having to see any fertility specialists, it would surely be beneficial to be able to provide them with my charts. I also don't think I could handle the "not knowing" - whether I ovulated and if so, when; if my period is actually late or if I just ovulated late, etc. I have to keep it up because I think that stopping now would just bring even more uncertainty. I don't plan on charting forever, though. I think if nothing's happened by October (that will be 16 months of trying, and 16 months of charting - and hopefully 14 "normal" cycles because I've had 2 weird ones so far) then we will go and get checked out. If there's no problem found, then I don't know where we'll go from there. I might keep charting until it's been 2 years (that would be June 2014) and then just stop. I hope that we won't even get to the point of having to see a fertility doctor... but if we do, I hope all these charts will be useful.
On one level I would like to quit charting, but I feel it would be a mistake to do so because if we do end up having to see any fertility specialists, it would surely be beneficial to be able to provide them with my charts. I also don't think I could handle the "not knowing" - whether I ovulated and if so, when; if my period is actually late or if I just ovulated late, etc. I have to keep it up because I think that stopping now would just bring even more uncertainty. I don't plan on charting forever, though. I think if nothing's happened by October (that will be 16 months of trying, and 16 months of charting - and hopefully 14 "normal" cycles because I've had 2 weird ones so far) then we will go and get checked out. If there's no problem found, then I don't know where we'll go from there. I might keep charting until it's been 2 years (that would be June 2014) and then just stop. I hope that we won't even get to the point of having to see a fertility doctor... but if we do, I hope all these charts will be useful.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Looks like we failed yet again
I'm 12 dpo today and while my chart still looks good, I started spotting this morning. Needless to say, I'm not very optimistic. I usually start spotting at 11-12 dpo, and my LP is 13 days. I guess I'll be getting my period on Tuesday, then.
The longer this journey goes on, the worse it gets. I started out being super optimistic, certain that we'd probably conceive within 6 months or so. That time has been and gone. I no longer get my hopes up very much, but when it becomes apparent that we haven't been successful it hurts more every time. My expectations are a lot lower than they used to be, but the pain is a lot worse. I used to be able to shrug it off fairly easily; after all, we hadn't been trying very long. I know that compared to some people, we still haven't been trying very long - I don't mean to be insensitive to anybody who might be struggling more than we are. It's coming up a year since we started trying, though, and we still have nothing to show for it. I just didn't think it was going to be this difficult.
The longer this journey goes on, the worse it gets. I started out being super optimistic, certain that we'd probably conceive within 6 months or so. That time has been and gone. I no longer get my hopes up very much, but when it becomes apparent that we haven't been successful it hurts more every time. My expectations are a lot lower than they used to be, but the pain is a lot worse. I used to be able to shrug it off fairly easily; after all, we hadn't been trying very long. I know that compared to some people, we still haven't been trying very long - I don't mean to be insensitive to anybody who might be struggling more than we are. It's coming up a year since we started trying, though, and we still have nothing to show for it. I just didn't think it was going to be this difficult.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
CD1 yet again!
Yep, AF arrived today. Early in the morning; the cramps were horrendous and I had to get up at 2.40 a.m. to take some tylenol and get my hot water bottle. My LP was normal again at 13 days, so that's good. I'm also pleased about ovulating earlier. Other than that, I'm feeling pretty down about the whole thing. If we'd conceived when we first started TTC, I'd be due now.
Oh well. There's nothing I can do about it, all I can do is hope that this cycle will be The One. Fingers crossed!
Monday, March 5, 2012
I'm out, again.
AF hasn't arrived yet, but I can feel it coming. Spotting started the night of 10 dpo and today is 12 dpo; I'm cramping quite a lot as well. I tested the morning of 10 dpo and it was negative of course.
I feel like throwing myself a little pity party right now, if I'm honest. I didn't get my hopes up this time, but it turns out it doesn't hurt any less this way. I can't help but wonder if we're ever going to be parents. Maybe we should just stick to the pugs.
If there's any crazy formatting it's because I'm on my phone :)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Feeling better
My LP ended up being the usual 13 days, so I started off the new year the way I really didn't want to, with my period. Oh well. That makes today CD11 and I'm not expecting to ovulate for at least another 10 days - but sooner than that would be nice! I've long accepted that I'm not pregnant, although it was incredibly disappointing at the time because all the signs looked good. It's just one of those things, I guess. Better luck next time :-)
Life here is back to normal. Our foster pug, Max, was adopted on Friday. I had a really hard time letting him go, I really bonded with him. It just about broke my heart when we left his new home, I cried all the way home and still get teary-eyed when I think about him. I hope his new home works out for him, though. I want him to be happy. While he was with us, he lost about 4 pounds I think - he weighed 35 pounds when he came to us, and around 31 when he was adopted. Still very heavy, but it's a massive improvement. He is a big pug, tall and broad - it's not all fat!
We went to collect our new foster, Tien Ping, a few hours after Max left us. He's 6 and such a cutie! We collected him from his original owner, who said she didn't have enough time for him anymore and he'd been living mostly outdoors. Poor little guy. He's thrilled to be at our house, he hasn't been sad at all. Within an hour of getting here, he was playing with our pug girls. I think he's just so happy to be indoors and part of the family. I'm sure he'll be adopted quickly, he's just lovely.
My dad left last Tuesday, which honestly was a huge relief. Eleven days of not very much to say or do, plus him yelling at me in the street because I dared to stand up for myself re: my bitch of a MIL, and I was completely done. I was actually done after 5 days, when we had that argument.
My relationship with my dad isn't the greatest, and since I moved to the US it's deteriorated somewhat. When I lived in the UK, he would piss me off on a pretty regular basis, but the way he's acted since I moved has been worse. Before I moved, he actually asked me to change our wedding date because he hadn't booked the time off work when we'd given him the date and couldn't get the vacation time when he actually attempted to. We flat out refused - who really expects someone to change their wedding date for them? Especially when it's virtually paid for as well. Come on! Then there was the whole BS while he was visiting last time, which was a shitty 10 days because of his behavior. Then he never bothered to contact me, which was annoying. I think what was worse was his "I miss you so much" crap that he'd come out with after a whole month of no contact (because I'd stopped making the effort since he couldn't bring himself to pick up the damn phone himself). Actions speak louder than words!
The way he acted since he booked his trip, 3 months before he arrived, was terrible. Virtually every time I spoke to him (on Skype) he'd do his very best to piss me off. His behavior, even by email, was horrible. His shitty attitude and insults got old very quickly, and I shot him down every time he came out with his crap, but it didn't stop him from doing it again. I realize now that I should have given him an ultimatum - treat me with some respect or you will not stay in our house. I totally should have done that; I wish I had. Instead I seemingly allowed him to get away with his behavior, because although I voiced my displeasure over his demands and the insults he would "jokingly" deliver (not joking really though, I'm sure) I never gave him any real consequences for what he was doing. I should have hung up on him, or told him he's not staying with us with that attitude. Better yet, I should have told him I wasn't going to talk to him for 4 weeks (we usually talk on Skype once a week) and that if, after that, his behavior hadn't improved, he could cancel his vacation.
There was a consequence for his behavior while he was here, though - as a result of the way he acted prior to his visit, and while here, we barely made any effort to make sure he had a nice vacation. When I say that, I mean we didn't take him on loads of sightseeing trips and we didn't bend over backward for him. We didn't take him out for dinner or anything like that. The effort we made was in providing a comfortable room and feeding him for 11 days. I let him use my laptop virtually every day to Skype with his wife, I rented a couple of DVDs for him to watch and downloaded movies that we have available through Dish (only free ones, not pay per view!). I even did his damn laundry for him, twice. More fool me. It took him 2 days to say thanks. It sure as hell didn't take him that long to see what I'd foolishly done for him - I'd folded his jeans, boxers and sweaters, hung his shirts up (I didn't iron them, screw that) and paired his socks up - they were all on the bed in neat piles. So yeah, it pissed me off that he couldn't even thank me in a timely manner for doing all of that. He's the one who made the conscious decision to bring carry-on only, when he could have (and should have) brought a suitcase and plenty of clothes. He's also the one who told me I was "too lazy" and should "want" to do his laundry all the time while he was visiting because I hadn't seen him in a year. Yeah... Why the hell did I allow his rude self to stay here?!?!
There must be something wrong with me because despite the shitty way he treats me, I still want to please him. I hate that, it really needs to change.
The big argument we had was my breaking point, I actually wanted to kick him out after that. My FIL was coming over for dinner that night, without MIL since we're still not speaking to her after she tried to bully us into her 'religion' (cult!) in September. Before my dad came here, he asked me a couple of times if he would be seeing my in-laws. He knows the situation with MIL - and I told him he'd most likely see FIL and BIL but not MIL. A few days after he got here, he brought it up again with me and my hubby - he said he felt 'awkward' not going to see MIL and that she would think he was being rude by not visiting her. We both agreed that given the situation, there was no way that he could go and see her without causing us more problems. Remember, he refused to hire a car. We weren't about to drive him over there, or even call to arrange anything for him - we're not speaking to the woman! What's so difficult to understand about that?! We figured that was the end of it, but hubby and I discussed it again privately and still both agreed that it wasn't going to work having my dad go visit her.
Two days later I was walking the dogs with my dad and I mentioned that FIL would be arriving at 5.30. Well, he took that opportunity to lay into me because it's so 'awkward' for him not seeing MIL. I reminded him that we'd discussed it already and it wasn't up for discussion. He started shouting at me in the street. I had to tell him not to shout at me. Within a couple of minutes he was shouting again and I had to tell him to stop for the second time. His favorite thing to say to me, whenever I disagree with him, is that I'm "being ridiculous", so of course that was his response this time too. I told him that just because he was here, it didn't mean anything had changed with the MIL situation - we would see her when we were ready to, not because he was pushing for it. He kept going on about what my MIL might think of him if he didn't see her, so my response was "Don't you care that you're upsetting me and my hubby by bringing this up repeatedly? It's an awkward situation to begin with!". He got all defensive, saying "Fine, I won't see her!". I told him he could walk himself over there right now - of course he didn't. He would never bother to initiate a meeting with her himself, he fully expected us to just say "Oh, well if you feel awkward about the situation, we can't possibly allow that! Let me pick up the phone and call her right now, we're being so silly to not want to see someone who's been a total bitch to us aren't we?!"
For the record, he's only met MIL twice, a year ago, for about 2-3 hours each time. They haven't been in touch since. It's not like they're best friends or anything! I doubt she'd even give a crap if he didn't visit her! And since she's fully aware of the situation, she most likely wasn't expecting to see him anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting people to take our side, but they should at least respect our position and shut up about it; especially if they're staying in our house and eating our food!
He also came out with this gem: "If she died tomorrow, you'd be sorry". I replied, "So just because anybody can die at anytime, that means we have to let everyone treat us like shit? I don't think so!"
I also asked (politely) that he not bring up the subject to FIL, and he flew off the handle again, saying he can say whatever he wants. Um, as a guest in our house, I really think you should be doing your best not to piss us off even more than you have already. Seriously. What kind of houseguest would even argue about this in the first place?
I challenged him to bring the whole thing up with my hubby again - and he didn't have anything to say to that. I told him he was undermining me/us by continuing to bring this up, and he said "I've only brought it up twice!" - "Twice too many," I replied. I hate the way he waits until he gets me on my own and then treats me like crap. He wouldn't dare yell at me with my hubby in the house, so he waited until we were walking the dogs. What a fucking coward, seriously! He had to ambush me when I was alone.
Five minutes after we got back to the house, and I'd told my hubby everything, my dad was asking "What's wrong?" - as if he didn't know. Oh, I guess I'm supposed to just forget all that BS! Sorry, not going to happen. I said "Nothing," in such a way that it was very obvious that I was pissed off with him. I know that's kind of passive aggressive, but if I'd said "Gee, I don't know, maybe I don't appreciate being yelled at in the street like a naughty child!" he'd have said I was "being ridiculous" and WW3 would have ensued. Maybe I should have said that, and then kicked him out when he spouted more crap. My hubby looked up hotels right after I told him what went down on the walk, too. Anyway I barely spoke to him for the rest of the day, which was awkward because I acted completely normal with FIL and my hubby but pretty much ignored my dad. I was just seething at him - what an asshole.
So after that, I spent the rest of his trip counting down the days until he was leaving. He kept treating me like some kind of maid, asking for drinks while I was clearly busy making dinner etc. I had to clean up after him all the time because he has no respect for me whatsoever. It didn't matter that I'd just finished cleaning the kitchen, he'd come and get something to eat and make a huge mess which he wouldn't even attempt to clean up. I'd love to see how he'd react to someone acting that way in his house...
He also kept making comments like "I won't be visiting again for another 3-4 years because I can't afford it" (my thoughts? Good! And, he totally could afford it if he didn't insist on paying so much extra for unnecessary travel upgrades). Another of my favorites was: "The next time I see you will be when you come to England. I'll probably be waiting 20 years" (which he said at least twice). I wish I'd said, "No, we'll be visiting England sooner than 20 years from now, but if you keep acting this way we sure as hell won't be visiting you!" Why is it that you think of the best comebacks after the fact?!
So, I guess since it's Wednesday I'm supposed to be talking with him on Skype in, oh, about 2 hours. Great... I'm very tempted to just not log in, honestly. But then, on the other hand I kind of want to because I'm pretty sure that now he's had a whole week to discuss his vacation with his wife, he'll probably let me know how awful we are for not doing more for him. You know, because he always has this "woe is me" attitude and he never takes responsibility for his actions. No matter what he does, he always ends up turning it around on me to try and make out that I'm the one at fault. His wife will no doubt have been stirring things up, saying that it's awful that he spent all that money and flew over 5000 miles only to have us not bend to his every whim. That's how she is - she loves to stir things, especially when it involves me. She's always had a problem with me, for the last 15 years since they got together; he's just too blind to see it. Anyway, I'm kind of hoping he does say something bad because I will have a good excuse to lay into him if he does. I know that probably sounds bad, but it's the truth. He was such a pain in the ass and that argument just took the piss. I'm done with the way he treats me, honestly.
Life here is back to normal. Our foster pug, Max, was adopted on Friday. I had a really hard time letting him go, I really bonded with him. It just about broke my heart when we left his new home, I cried all the way home and still get teary-eyed when I think about him. I hope his new home works out for him, though. I want him to be happy. While he was with us, he lost about 4 pounds I think - he weighed 35 pounds when he came to us, and around 31 when he was adopted. Still very heavy, but it's a massive improvement. He is a big pug, tall and broad - it's not all fat!
We went to collect our new foster, Tien Ping, a few hours after Max left us. He's 6 and such a cutie! We collected him from his original owner, who said she didn't have enough time for him anymore and he'd been living mostly outdoors. Poor little guy. He's thrilled to be at our house, he hasn't been sad at all. Within an hour of getting here, he was playing with our pug girls. I think he's just so happy to be indoors and part of the family. I'm sure he'll be adopted quickly, he's just lovely.
My dad left last Tuesday, which honestly was a huge relief. Eleven days of not very much to say or do, plus him yelling at me in the street because I dared to stand up for myself re: my bitch of a MIL, and I was completely done. I was actually done after 5 days, when we had that argument.
My relationship with my dad isn't the greatest, and since I moved to the US it's deteriorated somewhat. When I lived in the UK, he would piss me off on a pretty regular basis, but the way he's acted since I moved has been worse. Before I moved, he actually asked me to change our wedding date because he hadn't booked the time off work when we'd given him the date and couldn't get the vacation time when he actually attempted to. We flat out refused - who really expects someone to change their wedding date for them? Especially when it's virtually paid for as well. Come on! Then there was the whole BS while he was visiting last time, which was a shitty 10 days because of his behavior. Then he never bothered to contact me, which was annoying. I think what was worse was his "I miss you so much" crap that he'd come out with after a whole month of no contact (because I'd stopped making the effort since he couldn't bring himself to pick up the damn phone himself). Actions speak louder than words!
The way he acted since he booked his trip, 3 months before he arrived, was terrible. Virtually every time I spoke to him (on Skype) he'd do his very best to piss me off. His behavior, even by email, was horrible. His shitty attitude and insults got old very quickly, and I shot him down every time he came out with his crap, but it didn't stop him from doing it again. I realize now that I should have given him an ultimatum - treat me with some respect or you will not stay in our house. I totally should have done that; I wish I had. Instead I seemingly allowed him to get away with his behavior, because although I voiced my displeasure over his demands and the insults he would "jokingly" deliver (not joking really though, I'm sure) I never gave him any real consequences for what he was doing. I should have hung up on him, or told him he's not staying with us with that attitude. Better yet, I should have told him I wasn't going to talk to him for 4 weeks (we usually talk on Skype once a week) and that if, after that, his behavior hadn't improved, he could cancel his vacation.
There was a consequence for his behavior while he was here, though - as a result of the way he acted prior to his visit, and while here, we barely made any effort to make sure he had a nice vacation. When I say that, I mean we didn't take him on loads of sightseeing trips and we didn't bend over backward for him. We didn't take him out for dinner or anything like that. The effort we made was in providing a comfortable room and feeding him for 11 days. I let him use my laptop virtually every day to Skype with his wife, I rented a couple of DVDs for him to watch and downloaded movies that we have available through Dish (only free ones, not pay per view!). I even did his damn laundry for him, twice. More fool me. It took him 2 days to say thanks. It sure as hell didn't take him that long to see what I'd foolishly done for him - I'd folded his jeans, boxers and sweaters, hung his shirts up (I didn't iron them, screw that) and paired his socks up - they were all on the bed in neat piles. So yeah, it pissed me off that he couldn't even thank me in a timely manner for doing all of that. He's the one who made the conscious decision to bring carry-on only, when he could have (and should have) brought a suitcase and plenty of clothes. He's also the one who told me I was "too lazy" and should "want" to do his laundry all the time while he was visiting because I hadn't seen him in a year. Yeah... Why the hell did I allow his rude self to stay here?!?!
There must be something wrong with me because despite the shitty way he treats me, I still want to please him. I hate that, it really needs to change.
The big argument we had was my breaking point, I actually wanted to kick him out after that. My FIL was coming over for dinner that night, without MIL since we're still not speaking to her after she tried to bully us into her 'religion' (cult!) in September. Before my dad came here, he asked me a couple of times if he would be seeing my in-laws. He knows the situation with MIL - and I told him he'd most likely see FIL and BIL but not MIL. A few days after he got here, he brought it up again with me and my hubby - he said he felt 'awkward' not going to see MIL and that she would think he was being rude by not visiting her. We both agreed that given the situation, there was no way that he could go and see her without causing us more problems. Remember, he refused to hire a car. We weren't about to drive him over there, or even call to arrange anything for him - we're not speaking to the woman! What's so difficult to understand about that?! We figured that was the end of it, but hubby and I discussed it again privately and still both agreed that it wasn't going to work having my dad go visit her.
Two days later I was walking the dogs with my dad and I mentioned that FIL would be arriving at 5.30. Well, he took that opportunity to lay into me because it's so 'awkward' for him not seeing MIL. I reminded him that we'd discussed it already and it wasn't up for discussion. He started shouting at me in the street. I had to tell him not to shout at me. Within a couple of minutes he was shouting again and I had to tell him to stop for the second time. His favorite thing to say to me, whenever I disagree with him, is that I'm "being ridiculous", so of course that was his response this time too. I told him that just because he was here, it didn't mean anything had changed with the MIL situation - we would see her when we were ready to, not because he was pushing for it. He kept going on about what my MIL might think of him if he didn't see her, so my response was "Don't you care that you're upsetting me and my hubby by bringing this up repeatedly? It's an awkward situation to begin with!". He got all defensive, saying "Fine, I won't see her!". I told him he could walk himself over there right now - of course he didn't. He would never bother to initiate a meeting with her himself, he fully expected us to just say "Oh, well if you feel awkward about the situation, we can't possibly allow that! Let me pick up the phone and call her right now, we're being so silly to not want to see someone who's been a total bitch to us aren't we?!"
For the record, he's only met MIL twice, a year ago, for about 2-3 hours each time. They haven't been in touch since. It's not like they're best friends or anything! I doubt she'd even give a crap if he didn't visit her! And since she's fully aware of the situation, she most likely wasn't expecting to see him anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting people to take our side, but they should at least respect our position and shut up about it; especially if they're staying in our house and eating our food!
He also came out with this gem: "If she died tomorrow, you'd be sorry". I replied, "So just because anybody can die at anytime, that means we have to let everyone treat us like shit? I don't think so!"
I also asked (politely) that he not bring up the subject to FIL, and he flew off the handle again, saying he can say whatever he wants. Um, as a guest in our house, I really think you should be doing your best not to piss us off even more than you have already. Seriously. What kind of houseguest would even argue about this in the first place?
I challenged him to bring the whole thing up with my hubby again - and he didn't have anything to say to that. I told him he was undermining me/us by continuing to bring this up, and he said "I've only brought it up twice!" - "Twice too many," I replied. I hate the way he waits until he gets me on my own and then treats me like crap. He wouldn't dare yell at me with my hubby in the house, so he waited until we were walking the dogs. What a fucking coward, seriously! He had to ambush me when I was alone.
Five minutes after we got back to the house, and I'd told my hubby everything, my dad was asking "What's wrong?" - as if he didn't know. Oh, I guess I'm supposed to just forget all that BS! Sorry, not going to happen. I said "Nothing," in such a way that it was very obvious that I was pissed off with him. I know that's kind of passive aggressive, but if I'd said "Gee, I don't know, maybe I don't appreciate being yelled at in the street like a naughty child!" he'd have said I was "being ridiculous" and WW3 would have ensued. Maybe I should have said that, and then kicked him out when he spouted more crap. My hubby looked up hotels right after I told him what went down on the walk, too. Anyway I barely spoke to him for the rest of the day, which was awkward because I acted completely normal with FIL and my hubby but pretty much ignored my dad. I was just seething at him - what an asshole.
So after that, I spent the rest of his trip counting down the days until he was leaving. He kept treating me like some kind of maid, asking for drinks while I was clearly busy making dinner etc. I had to clean up after him all the time because he has no respect for me whatsoever. It didn't matter that I'd just finished cleaning the kitchen, he'd come and get something to eat and make a huge mess which he wouldn't even attempt to clean up. I'd love to see how he'd react to someone acting that way in his house...
He also kept making comments like "I won't be visiting again for another 3-4 years because I can't afford it" (my thoughts? Good! And, he totally could afford it if he didn't insist on paying so much extra for unnecessary travel upgrades). Another of my favorites was: "The next time I see you will be when you come to England. I'll probably be waiting 20 years" (which he said at least twice). I wish I'd said, "No, we'll be visiting England sooner than 20 years from now, but if you keep acting this way we sure as hell won't be visiting you!" Why is it that you think of the best comebacks after the fact?!
So, I guess since it's Wednesday I'm supposed to be talking with him on Skype in, oh, about 2 hours. Great... I'm very tempted to just not log in, honestly. But then, on the other hand I kind of want to because I'm pretty sure that now he's had a whole week to discuss his vacation with his wife, he'll probably let me know how awful we are for not doing more for him. You know, because he always has this "woe is me" attitude and he never takes responsibility for his actions. No matter what he does, he always ends up turning it around on me to try and make out that I'm the one at fault. His wife will no doubt have been stirring things up, saying that it's awful that he spent all that money and flew over 5000 miles only to have us not bend to his every whim. That's how she is - she loves to stir things, especially when it involves me. She's always had a problem with me, for the last 15 years since they got together; he's just too blind to see it. Anyway, I'm kind of hoping he does say something bad because I will have a good excuse to lay into him if he does. I know that probably sounds bad, but it's the truth. He was such a pain in the ass and that argument just took the piss. I'm done with the way he treats me, honestly.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Guess I was wrong
Damn... I really thought we'd done it this time, but my temp dropped to 97.3 this morning (a drop of 0.7 from yesterday's temp). I expect I'll start spotting today and then my period will follow on Sunday. A new cycle for the new year, wonderful...
I feel like such an idiot for actually thinking I was pregnant. I really thought I was, and that I'd get my BFP sometime within the next few days. The signs were good - possible implantation bleeding at 8dpo, a triphasic chart, no spotting at 11dpo which I usually have... I had a few reasons to think it could finally be happening, it wasn't just me being hopeful.
When we started TTC in June, I thought I'd probably be pregnant before the end of the year. Well, I didn't count on my cycles being long due to late ovulation. Out of the 5 cycles I've charted, I've ovulated 4 times. Of those 4 times, 1 time would've been impossible to get pregnant because my LP went to 8 days. So I suppose really we've only had 3 definite chances to get pregnant so far. When you look at it that way, I suppose not being pregnant yet is no big surprise. It just really sucks that all this time of TTC has resulted in nothing but frustration. I know lots of people struggle for years, so I don't want to be insensitive to them. Seven months is nothing when compared to that, I know.
The only thing I'm happy about is that my LP seems to have gone back to normal. Or at least a lot better than it was last month. If my LP is 13 days as it has been every cycle except for the last one, my period will arrive on 1/1/12. Even if it comes tomorrow, my LP will have been 12 days which is fine. So there's the silver lining of this huge black cloud, I guess.
My dad's here until 1/3, and things have been OK for the most part save for a huge argument on Wednesday (12/28). I'll write about that another time, though. I just wish we didn't have any house guests at all because I really am in no mood for entertaining right now. I just want to curl up in bed and throw myself a pity party.
I feel like such an idiot for actually thinking I was pregnant. I really thought I was, and that I'd get my BFP sometime within the next few days. The signs were good - possible implantation bleeding at 8dpo, a triphasic chart, no spotting at 11dpo which I usually have... I had a few reasons to think it could finally be happening, it wasn't just me being hopeful.
When we started TTC in June, I thought I'd probably be pregnant before the end of the year. Well, I didn't count on my cycles being long due to late ovulation. Out of the 5 cycles I've charted, I've ovulated 4 times. Of those 4 times, 1 time would've been impossible to get pregnant because my LP went to 8 days. So I suppose really we've only had 3 definite chances to get pregnant so far. When you look at it that way, I suppose not being pregnant yet is no big surprise. It just really sucks that all this time of TTC has resulted in nothing but frustration. I know lots of people struggle for years, so I don't want to be insensitive to them. Seven months is nothing when compared to that, I know.
The only thing I'm happy about is that my LP seems to have gone back to normal. Or at least a lot better than it was last month. If my LP is 13 days as it has been every cycle except for the last one, my period will arrive on 1/1/12. Even if it comes tomorrow, my LP will have been 12 days which is fine. So there's the silver lining of this huge black cloud, I guess.
My dad's here until 1/3, and things have been OK for the most part save for a huge argument on Wednesday (12/28). I'll write about that another time, though. I just wish we didn't have any house guests at all because I really am in no mood for entertaining right now. I just want to curl up in bed and throw myself a pity party.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Feeling optimistic!
It's still early days, but I have a good feeling about this cycle. I'm 11dpo and my chart looks pretty awesome so far. It appears to be triphasic which is a good sign - it's not definitive of course. I had a few hours of spotting at 8dpo, but that's it. I've felt kind of queasy all day, I have a weird taste in my mouth (kind of a metallic taste) and I just noticed that my skin looks a lot better than it usually does (no break-outs at all). I haven't gotten my BFP yet but I'm hoping I will soon! :-)
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Chart changed today
If my chart is to be trusted, I'm just now 3dpo - it changed my O day this morning when I recorded today's temp. I still feel as though I ovulated on CD21, not CD23, but whatever! If it was on CD23, we probably have a better chance of catching the egg - we DTD on CD22 and CD23. I'm not convinced that my chart will stay like this, because it can change its interpretation at any time and I really don't want to get my heart set on anything. However, as long as I did ovulate and we're in with a decent chance, I'm fine with it. I definitely feel like I always do after ovulation, so I'm sure I have ovulated.
Hopefully my LP will be long enough this time, I'm a little worried because last time it was only 8 days and I was devastated. It's always been 13 days before so I have no idea what happened last time, unless my temps were off somehow and I ovulated much earlier than it says I did. I just hope that I won't have a drastically short LP again. I can deal with not catching the egg, but when that happened last month I was so upset. It made me feel like a complete failure, because it wasn't normal and an 8 day LP is not conducive to pregnancy! So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Hey, if I did O on CD23, guess what day my period will be due (assuming my normal 13 day LP)? January 1st. Yikes, what a crappy way to start the new year if I get my period then! Conversely, if I get my BFP, that'd be a wonderful start to 2012!
In other news... My dad is arriving on Friday (12/23) and staying for 11 days. I'm trying to look forward to it, but finding it very hard right now, because he's been such a pain in the ass since he booked his trip. It seems as though he purposely goes out of his way to piss me off, which just isn't cool. First, it was demanding that I drive him everywhere while he's here (I don't yet have my license - lame, I know, but we've had a lot of other stuff going on and I hate driving stick-shift, which is the only car we have!!) which I shot down immediately, and again every single time he (repeatedly) brought it up. I point blank told him that even if I did have my license, he's so critical of me and stresses me out so much that I wouldn't want to drive him anywhere anyway! It didn't make any difference. I told him to hire a car (he's staying with us for free, no hotel, so it's a pretty cheap vacation) - he won't do that because he says he has no money (never mind the fact that he spent somewhere in the region of $500 extra on travel than he needed to - to travel 1st class on the train to the airport, and upgrade on the flight).
Then came the saga that is him only bringing carry-on, for his 11 day vacation. When I objected because he clearly won't be able to bring anywhere near enough clothes for his trip, he made me out to be a complete bitch. I'm not opposed to doing laundry - I'm a homemaker, for goodness' sake - but I do object to having to wash someone's clothes every damn day because they didn't bring enough stuff. He knows how long his trip is, so there's no excuse. The airline he's flying with even allow 2 checked bags for free! But no, he's just bringing carry-on. Last time he visited, he brought a big suitcase and 3 sets of clothes, if that. I didn't understand that - how ridiculous?! He's in his 50s and he clearly cannot pack a suitcase, which is frankly unbelievable. It's not like he'd ever do his own laundry, either. Virtually every day he was here last time, he was asking me to wash his clothes. I should mention that we live in the desert, so it's not that I'm lazy or that we're too tight with money to use the washer, but water is something you shouldn't be wasting here!
The additional pain is that he "can't" bring toiletries with him because of the liquid restrictions for carry-on. I say "can't" because actually he could, if he bought them in one of the many airport stores after he's gone through security. Yeah, he couldn't bring razors, but everything else (shaving gel, other liquid things) would be OK. But wait - no, he's not going to do that. No no, he's expecting me to buy this stuff for him! When I told him that my hubby has extra shaving gel he can use, he turned his nose up at it and said "I don't want to use his" (Why? It's not like borrowing someone's toothbrush!). Well, if I did buy this stuff for him you can bet that he wouldn't be happy with what I bought - I'd have gone to Target and bought their own brand stuff, because I don't have an income and I don't wish to spend what little money I do have on buying him stuff he's more than capable of buying himself (or bringing himself, if he would just buy it in the airport or bring a freaking suitcase!). So, after we pick him up from the airport we're going to stop by CVS or Walgreens on the way home and he can buy his own damn toiletries. He's going to be pissed, I'm sure, but it's not my problem that he's incapable of being an adult and adequately planning for his trip, is it?
He won't like his Christmas present, either - it's a donation to the pug rescue we volunteer with. He's the most difficult person to buy for, and never appreciates anything. I've bought him expensive stuff in the past, that he said he wanted (a digital camera, for example, way back when I was still a friggin' student!!) and he never appreciated any of it. That camera was never used, or maybe used all of one time. I can't tell you the amount of time, effort and money I've spent trying to find him the "perfect" gift, only to have it go completely unappreciated. So, I decided no more. It's just not happening. Besides, how would he be able to take anything home with him, when he'll only have carry-on?! He did say himself a little while ago that pug rescue can use all the help they can get, so there you go, you helped. LMAO! I can't wait to see his face - he'll be like a pouty kid. Not my problem. Maybe if he appreciated things and didn't turn his nose up at everything, I'd be more inclined to go shopping for him.
So, needless to say, I'm not exactly excited about his arrival. He's going to be a total pain in the butt, as always. I'm sure I'll be blogging about it to get it out of my system, so there will be updates!
Hopefully my LP will be long enough this time, I'm a little worried because last time it was only 8 days and I was devastated. It's always been 13 days before so I have no idea what happened last time, unless my temps were off somehow and I ovulated much earlier than it says I did. I just hope that I won't have a drastically short LP again. I can deal with not catching the egg, but when that happened last month I was so upset. It made me feel like a complete failure, because it wasn't normal and an 8 day LP is not conducive to pregnancy! So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Hey, if I did O on CD23, guess what day my period will be due (assuming my normal 13 day LP)? January 1st. Yikes, what a crappy way to start the new year if I get my period then! Conversely, if I get my BFP, that'd be a wonderful start to 2012!
In other news... My dad is arriving on Friday (12/23) and staying for 11 days. I'm trying to look forward to it, but finding it very hard right now, because he's been such a pain in the ass since he booked his trip. It seems as though he purposely goes out of his way to piss me off, which just isn't cool. First, it was demanding that I drive him everywhere while he's here (I don't yet have my license - lame, I know, but we've had a lot of other stuff going on and I hate driving stick-shift, which is the only car we have!!) which I shot down immediately, and again every single time he (repeatedly) brought it up. I point blank told him that even if I did have my license, he's so critical of me and stresses me out so much that I wouldn't want to drive him anywhere anyway! It didn't make any difference. I told him to hire a car (he's staying with us for free, no hotel, so it's a pretty cheap vacation) - he won't do that because he says he has no money (never mind the fact that he spent somewhere in the region of $500 extra on travel than he needed to - to travel 1st class on the train to the airport, and upgrade on the flight).
Then came the saga that is him only bringing carry-on, for his 11 day vacation. When I objected because he clearly won't be able to bring anywhere near enough clothes for his trip, he made me out to be a complete bitch. I'm not opposed to doing laundry - I'm a homemaker, for goodness' sake - but I do object to having to wash someone's clothes every damn day because they didn't bring enough stuff. He knows how long his trip is, so there's no excuse. The airline he's flying with even allow 2 checked bags for free! But no, he's just bringing carry-on. Last time he visited, he brought a big suitcase and 3 sets of clothes, if that. I didn't understand that - how ridiculous?! He's in his 50s and he clearly cannot pack a suitcase, which is frankly unbelievable. It's not like he'd ever do his own laundry, either. Virtually every day he was here last time, he was asking me to wash his clothes. I should mention that we live in the desert, so it's not that I'm lazy or that we're too tight with money to use the washer, but water is something you shouldn't be wasting here!
The additional pain is that he "can't" bring toiletries with him because of the liquid restrictions for carry-on. I say "can't" because actually he could, if he bought them in one of the many airport stores after he's gone through security. Yeah, he couldn't bring razors, but everything else (shaving gel, other liquid things) would be OK. But wait - no, he's not going to do that. No no, he's expecting me to buy this stuff for him! When I told him that my hubby has extra shaving gel he can use, he turned his nose up at it and said "I don't want to use his" (Why? It's not like borrowing someone's toothbrush!). Well, if I did buy this stuff for him you can bet that he wouldn't be happy with what I bought - I'd have gone to Target and bought their own brand stuff, because I don't have an income and I don't wish to spend what little money I do have on buying him stuff he's more than capable of buying himself (or bringing himself, if he would just buy it in the airport or bring a freaking suitcase!). So, after we pick him up from the airport we're going to stop by CVS or Walgreens on the way home and he can buy his own damn toiletries. He's going to be pissed, I'm sure, but it's not my problem that he's incapable of being an adult and adequately planning for his trip, is it?
He won't like his Christmas present, either - it's a donation to the pug rescue we volunteer with. He's the most difficult person to buy for, and never appreciates anything. I've bought him expensive stuff in the past, that he said he wanted (a digital camera, for example, way back when I was still a friggin' student!!) and he never appreciated any of it. That camera was never used, or maybe used all of one time. I can't tell you the amount of time, effort and money I've spent trying to find him the "perfect" gift, only to have it go completely unappreciated. So, I decided no more. It's just not happening. Besides, how would he be able to take anything home with him, when he'll only have carry-on?! He did say himself a little while ago that pug rescue can use all the help they can get, so there you go, you helped. LMAO! I can't wait to see his face - he'll be like a pouty kid. Not my problem. Maybe if he appreciated things and didn't turn his nose up at everything, I'd be more inclined to go shopping for him.
So, needless to say, I'm not exactly excited about his arrival. He's going to be a total pain in the butt, as always. I'm sure I'll be blogging about it to get it out of my system, so there will be updates!
Friday, November 25, 2011
8DPO / Thanksgiving / Crochet
I'm 8DPO today and feeling OK. Yesterday my temp dropped below coverline on my chart, but it's back up again today. It could have been an "implantation dip" which is kind of a misnomer, because it doesn't mean you're pregnant. It's not really known what causes it but it can happen regardless of pregnancy. It could just be one of those things, or it could be a good sign.
I haven't had this kind of pattern on my chart before, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything either I guess. It looks OK but I don't know really. I took a test this morning, even though I knew it was most likely going to be negative (it was). I'm planning on testing again on Sunday, at 10dpo. We'll see though, I know I'm impatient and might go ahead and test again tomorrow even though it's probably a waste of a test. Just as well I have all those cheap Wondfos, huh?!?!
I really hope that this might be it. I know we haven't been trying all that long compared to a lot of people, but it feels like a long time even though it's only been 6 months since I stopped taking birth control pills. We'd be over the moon if I get pregnant, seriously. I really hope it'll happen soon, as in this cycle, LOL.
I'm actually trying not to think about it too much, which is obviously not working too well. I'm not stressing about it though, so that's something I guess. I just have to not allow myself to think about how awesome it would be to be pregnant. We were shopping yesterday and we wound up in the baby section of the store. Seeing all the adorable baby clothes and blankets etc. made me all excited, so we had to leave that area because I really don't wanna get my hopes up only to have them dashed again.
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Damn, I'm so sleepy today. Yesterday was Thanksgiving of course, and we had our friends Z & O over and my BIL. It was a hectic day. I spent virtually all day Wednesday cleaning the house from top to bottom, and yesterday we had lots of cooking to do. Of course there was way too much food - we had chips and little spicy sweet sausages for snacks before dinner, and we cooked the turkey, mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole (my first ever - it was really yummy!). Our friends brought stuffed mushrooms and stuffing and BIL brought 2 pies, pecan and pumpkin. He also brought soda and our friends brought beer. We ate so much last night but this morning I was still really hungry and had to eat pretty much right away when I got up. I really don't think today is going to be very productive, honestly.
I've been doing some crochet, I started on Monday and made 2 little owls. I made another 2 on Tuesday so now there are 4. I was thinking of sending them as Christmas gifts, since they're small and light and therefore shouldn't be too expensive to send to the UK. I think I'm gonna send them to 6 or 7 people, so I planned on making 12 and then I'll have lots to choose from. Originally I was going to try to make 12 by the end of this week but I don't think that's going to happen now. I might make one later, and maybe a few over the weekend depending on what we end up doing. Here are the 4 I've made so far - I made the green one first, then the multi-colored one, then the red one and finally the blue one.
They're small, maybe about 3 inches tall (the red one is probably 2 inches, it's quite a lot smaller than the others, but they're all different anyway). I didn't use a pattern (I'm useless at interpreting patterns) so they're just kind of made as I go along. They're all basically the same idea, just slightly different in size etc. I have 11 different yarns so I can make loads of different color combinations. It's been fun, I've been meaning to get back into crochet for ages but never got around to it. I'm glad I started up again, it's a nice little hobby :-)
I haven't had this kind of pattern on my chart before, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything either I guess. It looks OK but I don't know really. I took a test this morning, even though I knew it was most likely going to be negative (it was). I'm planning on testing again on Sunday, at 10dpo. We'll see though, I know I'm impatient and might go ahead and test again tomorrow even though it's probably a waste of a test. Just as well I have all those cheap Wondfos, huh?!?!
I really hope that this might be it. I know we haven't been trying all that long compared to a lot of people, but it feels like a long time even though it's only been 6 months since I stopped taking birth control pills. We'd be over the moon if I get pregnant, seriously. I really hope it'll happen soon, as in this cycle, LOL.I'm actually trying not to think about it too much, which is obviously not working too well. I'm not stressing about it though, so that's something I guess. I just have to not allow myself to think about how awesome it would be to be pregnant. We were shopping yesterday and we wound up in the baby section of the store. Seeing all the adorable baby clothes and blankets etc. made me all excited, so we had to leave that area because I really don't wanna get my hopes up only to have them dashed again.
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Damn, I'm so sleepy today. Yesterday was Thanksgiving of course, and we had our friends Z & O over and my BIL. It was a hectic day. I spent virtually all day Wednesday cleaning the house from top to bottom, and yesterday we had lots of cooking to do. Of course there was way too much food - we had chips and little spicy sweet sausages for snacks before dinner, and we cooked the turkey, mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole (my first ever - it was really yummy!). Our friends brought stuffed mushrooms and stuffing and BIL brought 2 pies, pecan and pumpkin. He also brought soda and our friends brought beer. We ate so much last night but this morning I was still really hungry and had to eat pretty much right away when I got up. I really don't think today is going to be very productive, honestly.
I've been doing some crochet, I started on Monday and made 2 little owls. I made another 2 on Tuesday so now there are 4. I was thinking of sending them as Christmas gifts, since they're small and light and therefore shouldn't be too expensive to send to the UK. I think I'm gonna send them to 6 or 7 people, so I planned on making 12 and then I'll have lots to choose from. Originally I was going to try to make 12 by the end of this week but I don't think that's going to happen now. I might make one later, and maybe a few over the weekend depending on what we end up doing. Here are the 4 I've made so far - I made the green one first, then the multi-colored one, then the red one and finally the blue one.
They're small, maybe about 3 inches tall (the red one is probably 2 inches, it's quite a lot smaller than the others, but they're all different anyway). I didn't use a pattern (I'm useless at interpreting patterns) so they're just kind of made as I go along. They're all basically the same idea, just slightly different in size etc. I have 11 different yarns so I can make loads of different color combinations. It's been fun, I've been meaning to get back into crochet for ages but never got around to it. I'm glad I started up again, it's a nice little hobby :-)
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