Still trying to decide

We're still undecided about the NT scan. I'm not sure my reasons for wanting to have it are good enough, you know? Really I just want to see our baby again, looking more baby-like. I'd also like to know what's happening with my subchorionic hematoma. Sass (http://fertilityunexplained.blogspot.com/) had a good suggestion about the SCH - that I should ask for a follow-up ultrasound to check on it. I'm going to call my OB and ask if that would be possible. I feel as though she's probably going to say no, but it's worth a shot. At my appointment I asked if I could just have a regular ultrasound around 12 weeks (not the NT scan), and she said no. I don't really want to get the NT scan just so we can find out about the SCH, but I have a feeling that might be our only option - unless my OB surprises me by agreeing to another regular ultrasound. That would be the best solution, really. I'd prefer not to do the NT scan because I know it can cause a lot of stress and worry. A regular ultrasound, though? That would be awesome!

I've had some more spotting today. I hate that, it makes my heart sink every single time. I always worry that it's going to be the start of something worse... This is the 10th episode of spotting since I've been pregnant, so it's not like it's happening all the time. I feel OK, so hopefully it's just one of those things.

As far as symptoms go I'm mainly just really tired, and I'm still having some on and off nausea. I've been very lucky in that respect, though; I fully expected to have full-on morning sickness, and so far I haven't actually thrown up at all. Being super tired is a breeze compared to puking all the time, I'm sure. I've been having some food aversions, but that's easy enough to handle too. My regular jeans and shorts are starting to get pretty uncomfortable, so I think I'll be buying some maternity jeans soon. I know it sounds crazy saying my shorts aren't fitting right, because we're getting towards the end of October - the truth is, we're still waiting for our high temps to drop below 85. It looks like it might be 84 tomorrow - that would be wonderful! I know I shouldn't complain because it's probably cold in most places now, but the summer here is brutal and this year it started earlier than usual. I know it's been Fall for like a month already, but you wouldn't know it here! I'm actually looking forward to wearing sweaters again!

I think I'm done.

We've been TTC for 14 months now, and we have absolutely nothing to show for it. Well, nothing except for lots of frustration, sadness and disappointment. Not even 1 BFP: nothing. All of our test results were perfect, and that's frustrating as hell because we have no answers at all. What are we supposed to do? Keep trying until I hit menopause? There's no closure, no peace; only unanswered questions and grief. All I know is I can't do this for much longer.

I'm only 10 dpo and I already know I'm out. I knew it yesterday, I just had that feeling when you know you're going to get your period. It's not even due until Sunday, but I know it's coming. Last night before bed I started spotting, and it just confirmed what I already knew: I'm not pregnant. All the supposedly promising symptoms I had - the sore boobs, nausea and fatigue - were just progesterone messing with me as usual.

I've probably mentioned before that when we bought this house almost a year ago, we made the mistake of labeling one of the bedrooms "the baby room". We've never done anything with that room, because it was supposed to be a nursery. We'd been TTC for a few months when we moved in, so we figured I'd be pregnant within the next few months. How wrong we were... Anyway, I can't stand to look at that room now. We use it as kind of a storage room, but we could easily put the stuff that's in there somewhere else. I think I'm going to turn it into a craft room, so I can at least use it for something. I might do it when my hubby is away, it'll keep me occupied for a while. At least it would keep all my craft stuff together in one place, away from the dogs and off the dining table. Maybe I can get a proper sewing table; that would make sewing easier because everything would be at the right height. I also want to get a comfy chair in there too, so I can crochet in peace. I can do that on the couch, but the dogs can get in the way and try to play with the yarn so it's not always easy.

I think there's a small part of me that thinks, "maybe if I do something with that room, I'll miraculously get pregnant - it would be typical, right?". If that happened, we'd be able to move the craft stuff out of there. It wouldn't be an issue, the house is almost 2200 sq. ft. after all. I sometimes wish we hadn't bought such a big place. We were planning on having kids here, so we'd grow into it. The big front room was going to be used as a playroom; instead, we hardly ever use it for anything. There's only the 2 of us and the pugs; we don't need all this space. We don't even have people over very often: my family (and the majority of my friends) are all in the UK, and my hubby's family, well... his mom is a freaking cray-cray who we can't have a relationship with for our own sanity, and we don't see his brother these days. His dad is OK and will probably be over in the next couple of weeks or so, but that's it.

I find myself wanting to adopt another pug, but I know it wouldn't fill the void in our lives. Part of the reason we haven't adopted another is because if we do have a baby, 3 dogs of our own would probably be a lot to manage on top of everything else. We could put fostering on hold until things calmed down a bit, but we couldn't do that with our own dogs obviously. I know I shouldn't adopt another, but part of me thinks that if we can't have a baby then why the hell not! Three dogs is cheaper than having a kid, even when you factor in unexpected vet bills etc. I don't think my hubby would agree to adopting another, anyway, so it doesn't matter what my heart is telling me. I haven't mentioned this to him because I know the answer will be a resounding "NO!" Plus, like I said, it's not going to fill the void of not having a baby. I just need to put the thought out of my mind and stop letting my emotions govern me.

Temp drop at 11 dpo

I tested again this morning and got another BFN. I know I probably shouldn't have bothered testing, but I did it anyway. I'm still spotting, but it's a little weird: when it started yesterday it was light, then got heavier throughout the day. This morning it started out light and has become a bit heavier, but not as much as yesterday. My temp dropped this morning, though, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get a BFP this time.

I guess my temp could go back up tomorrow. My cervix is high, but I know that can change throughout the day. I still feel nauseous and I've had a headache on and off for the past 24 hours. I'm pretty sure it's either progesterone-related or just a random thing, because if it was a true pregnancy symptom I should be getting positive tests, right? I didn't sleep that well last night, so I'm really tired. I think an afternoon nap might be in order!

Why do I do this?!

I woke up feeling quite nauseous this morning, and since I was already planning to test today it kind of spurred me on. Well, it was a BFN of course! Damn. I know nausea doesn't automatically equal pregnancy, it's likely a side-effect of progesterone. I knew it was probably too early to test but I did it anyway.

I'm having some very light spotting, too. I'm thinking that's not a good sign - I always spot before my period, it usually starts at 11 dpo but has started at 10 dpo and 12 dpo before. I'm still hopeful that this might be our cycle though. Who knows, the spotting could clear up soon. It could be a "good" sign - it could be implantation bleeding, possibly. See, I'm trying to be positive!!

Here's my chart, which I think looks pretty good so far [of course that could change any day, so I don't want to get too carried away yet.]

My hubby just got his travel dates for his business trip to Mississippi: it's only going to be for one week now, not two (yay!!), and the week he's going definitely shouldn't interfere with TTC. That's such a relief! We're still hoping that this will be my BFP cycle and we won't have to TTC anymore, but we're realistic about it and know that things like this don't seem to work out the way we plan (if they did, we wouldn't have been TTC for 13 months, it would've happened in the first 6 months or so of trying!). His boss didn't ask him why he's unavailable for most of the proposed dates, but if she had asked he was just going to tell her the truth: that we've been TTC without success for 13 months, and that I recently had a medical procedure done which might increase our chances for the next few months.

_______________________________________________

Today I'm going out for lunch with some of the other ladies I volunteer with. It was my friend's birthday yesterday so we're celebrating that! I honestly had no idea what to get her - I thought about nice candles, nice toiletries... I looked for something pug-related... In the end, I settled on something completely different. I bought her a nice cookie tin and baked her a batch of cookies last night. I know this sounds like a really lame gift but she absolutely loves my baking, so I think she'll be pleased. I also have a cute pug picture that I bought from the boutique pet store a while ago, and never did anything with (it's still in its packaging and everything). I'm debating giving her that as well - maybe she'll have more use for it than we do. I realize I probably sound really cheap here, but I've been spending my money on things to donate for the pug rescue silent auction, our pugs, and stuff I need for the adoption event I'm running. Oh, and voting in their cutest pug contest! I did buy myself a nice pair of sandals as well, but I really needed those!

Anyway, fingers crossed that she likes the gift. I think she will  :)

10 dpo (and it looks like I'm out)

Just like my last cycle, the spotting has started already. 10 dpo and spotting. Ugh!!! This really isn't a good sign at all; I'm 99% sure that this cycle is yet another failure. I know I'm technically not out until AF shows, but I feel as though this is it. I'm cramping as well as spotting, so it seems likely that I'm not going to be pregnant this time. I used to try to convince myself that spotting could be implantation bleeding, but after all this time I'm not able to do that anymore. I mean, who am I kidding?!

Last month I also started spotting at 10 dpo and my LP ended up being 12 days, a day shorter than usual. The same thing's happening this month with the spotting, so I guess my LP might be 12 days again.

I wonder why it has to be so hard for us to have a baby. Why us? I know there are many, many more people out there who are having a way harder time conceiving than we are, so I feel insensitive writing this. I just don't get it. We're doing everything in our power to make it happen, and it never does. I've been taking vitamins since before we started trying, temping since cycle 2, taking additional B-complex vitamins since cycle 3, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed... Even my gynecologist said we've been doing everything we possibly can. So why isn't it happening? We're not bad people - we don't do drugs, we're not criminals, we're not alcoholics, we definitely wouldn't abuse our kids. Why do we have to struggle with this while so many awful people get to reproduce without so much as a second thought? I know the world isn't fair, but this feels like a kick in the teeth. Every day there are news stories about so-called parents who starved their kids to death, beat them to death, tortured them, killed them... Yet they get to have kids? Really??

We have a great marriage, a lovely home and so much love to give. If I'd known when we bought this house that we'd still not be expecting after a year of TTC, I'd never have designated a "baby room". Of course there's nothing in there really, no baby stuff at least (we use it for random things) - but it's still the baby room. And we have no baby. The way things are going, we may never have one. That room is going to haunt me and I can't bring myself to do anything with it, just in case. I mean, if we furnish it and everything and then I got pregnant, it would have been a waste of time and money. So it sits virtually empty, save for a few bits and pieces that we store in there. I honestly don't know what I'd do with the room anyway - in my mind it's supposed to be a nursery. I'm starting to hate that room because of its emptiness.

I feel as though my tests will come back really bad. We know my husband's tests were all great - better than they should be. I just know there has to be something wrong with me, it doesn't make sense otherwise. I just want to get the damn HSG done, along with the glucose test, and find out if there's any hope of us conceiving naturally. If it turns out our only option is IVF, then it's game over. I don't have my blood test results, but I assume I'll get them when I go back for my follow-up appointment. I guess if there was something drastically wrong with those, they'd have called me by now.

We badly need this little vacation we're going on. It's only 3 nights but I feel as though it will do us the world of good. I really wish it could be a week or more, but that's not possible right now due to my hubby's work schedule. It'll be so nice to get away from everything, although I guess what I need to get away from the most is my thoughts. I wish I could shut the whole TTC/infertility thing off, and not think about it at all. That would be wonderful.

Changes for the better

Yesterday we went and joined the gym. We managed to fit in a 30 minute workout, which isn't as much as I'd have liked but by the time we'd been to the store (I needed some sneakers and we both needed shorts!), then signed up at the gym, it was close to 5 p.m. We're going again today when my hubby finishes work, and this time we'll probably be there for an hour or so. We both felt better after our short workout yesterday, so going regularly will definitely help.

I'm eating healthier now too - more fruit and less of the "bad" stuff. I don't know if the exercise or healthier eating will make a difference to us having a baby, but they're good steps to take anyway.

As for this cycle... it's virtually over now. My temp dropped drastically this morning so I think my period will start either tomorrow or Saturday.

 

This probably sounds terrible, but I'm glad that I haven't heard from my cousin and his wife since they announced their new pregnancy. I can really do without her going on about "how much worse everything is when you're pregnant" - said with a smug smile. Hmmm. They don't know anything about us TTC, but comments like that are a bit of a blow right now. Rationally I know that comment was nothing, but it irked me. Kind of like when people say stuff like "you wouldn't know since you don't have kids", etc. Like I need reminding of that!

Luckily nobody has really asked me recently when we're planning on having kids. I hate that question and all variations of it! The only person who's asked is my grandma, and that was when I called her about 5 weeks ago. If I still had a relationship with my narcissist dad, he'd be harping on about it every couple of weeks. "No exciting news, then?" - very subtle, huh?

Only a couple of close friends know we're TTC, and they know it's kind of a sensitive subject and don't bring it up unless I do first. I haven't even told my mom we're TTC! I don't really know why, because she's nothing like my dad and wouldn't be a pain about it, but I think I just don't want to tell her. Is that weird? Maybe part of it is that I think she might tell other people, like my aunt or my stepdad, and that would piss me off. Plus, she'd probably tell me "it'll happen when the time's right" or "relax and it'll happen", or even "you've got loads of time, don't worry about it!". First off, I'm 28 and my hubby is 30 - I know we're not past it yet, but ideally we'd like to have 2 or 3 kids so we want to have one soon. I don't want to be having kids late, really. Secondly, my mom was 24 when she had me and my parents only tried for 6 months. They never had any other kids, but I don't know why. I don't know if they just didn't want any more, or if they tried and weren't able to have another. I don't really feel like asking, honestly - it would feel rude.

Exactly 11 months of TTC: thinking about possible options.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but I'm pretty convinced that this cycle is a bust like all the rest. Today is 11 dpo and I started spotting yesterday. I got a BFN when I tested yesterday. I didn't test today as the spotting is still there and it seemed like a waste of a test. My period is due Saturday (5/12) if my LP is its usual 13 days, so it won't be long now. I have a feeling my LP might end up being shorter this time because the spotting started earlier than usual. Normally it starts at 11 or 12 dpo, but it started at 10 dpo this time. My chart still looks OK, I guess, but the spotting is a pretty good indicator that we haven't been successful.

I'm going to be honest and say that yesterday was a terrible day for me. I just felt so low about the whole thing. I snapped at my hubby and then cried my eyes out. I really don't like what this process is doing to me, sometimes I can be such a bitch. I just feel like a total failure and this whole thing just hurts so much. For as long as I can remember I've wanted so much to be a mommy, and when we started our TTC journey I never imagined that at this point I wouldn't be pregnant. We know when I ovulate and we time things well every single cycle. I can't help but think there's something wrong, you know? I'm 28 and my hubby is 30. We don't have any medical issues as far as we know. We don't smoke, we hardly ever drink (we might have a couple of glasses of wine right at the beginning of my cycle when I don't temp, but that's it). I've been taking Mucinex for a few months around my fertile time to improve my cervical mucus and we started using Pre-Seed this cycle. We're going to join a gym today and we'll aim to go 3 times a week. Other than that I don't know what else we can really do to improve our chances.

Anyway, my hubby has made an appointment with his doctor for next week to get a referral for a semen analysis. It seems like the obvious thing to do, since it's non-invasive. I'll obviously need to get tested too, but at least if we know there are no sperm issues that's a start. Of course the SA could come back with bad results, but if that's the case we'd be better off knowing. If he's sterile (which I doubt, but who knows right?) then I can stop this crazy cycle of ups and downs. I'd be able to stop charting and all of that, because really what would be the point in that case? I honestly believe if either of us has a fertility issue it will be something wrong with me rather than him, but at least the SA will shed some light on things. There's every chance it'll come back great, and I really hope it does. We're both as prepared as we can be that it might not, though.

We've already discussed what our options might be if his SA is awful, and decided that we probably wouldn't want to use donor sperm if it came down to that. I just don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I think I'm mostly worried that my hubby wouldn't be able to handle it if I was pregnant and it technically wasn't his baby. Plus, I really want for us to have a baby that's part of us both.

If it transpires that IVF is our only option, I don't know what we'll do. We can't afford it (it costs approx. $16,000 per cycle, maybe even more). My issue with IVF is this: when do you stop? Wouldn't you just feel like "maybe the next cycle will work"? You'd have invested so much emotionally and financially, that you might not want to stop until you ended up with a baby. That could end up costing more than our house! Like I said, we couldn't really afford it anyway. If it was 100% guaranteed, then we'd probably make it work. Sadly, the odds are generally much lower than that.

We've talked about adoption and I did a little bit of research yesterday, but it sounds quite daunting. Apparently for every healthy baby up for adoption in the US, there are 40 couples waiting to adopt. Yikes. It can also cost up to $40,000, which is beyond our reach. The website I looked at tried to make the cost seem better by saying something along the lines of "any method of having a baby costs money - hospital bills etc." While this is true, there's this thing called insurance and ours covers virtually everything pregnancy and delivery related. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't cover anything to do with adoption! Plus, adoption opens a whole other can of worms. Some people who were adopted don't have a problem with it, while others have a whole host of issues because of it.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here: as far as we know, neither of us have any fertility problems. If one (or both) of us are found to have issues, they might be easily treated. There's a good chance we'll never need to consider IVF or adoption. I guess I just need to get my thoughts out at the moment!

I think joining the gym will do us both good, it'll be a great outlet for our frustrations. Back in the UK I loved going to the gym: I'd go 4 or 5 times a week. It helped - at that time, hubby (then fiancé) and I were more than 5,000 miles apart and it kept me busy.

I sometimes feel as though my hubby doesn't feel the way I do about our lack of pregnancy, but after talking to him last night I think it's just that he's better at hiding his feelings than I am. He's probably almost as disappointed as I am about the whole thing, but he doesn't get emotional like I do. I get it, in some ways it's not so real for men as it is for women. He's not the one having awful periods, feeling like everyone else is pregnant, charting, taking 2 different vitamins every day, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed, monitoring potential symptoms, taking pregnancy tests, etc. There's a quote out there that says something like this: a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she's pregnant; men become fathers when the baby is born. There may be some truth to that, because it's not the guy who experiences pregnancy first-hand.

I really want the whole package - I want to be pregnant and experience the whole thing. I know it's not glamorous, and sometimes pregnancy is downright uncomfortable and annoying. I want to have that, though: to know our baby is growing in my tummy, to go to scans and see the baby on the screen, to give birth... all of it. I really hope it'll happen for us soon.

6 dpo and a little confused!

So I don't really know what's going on, but I'm having some bleeding today. TMI - it's bright red and maybe a little watery. My chart still looks really good - my temp is still high. It's just kind of strange, and it came as a total shock.

Of course I'm hoping that it could be implantation bleeding; that's one possible explanation, anyway. I don't know what else it could be, but I really hope that I'm not going to have another cycle with a ridiculously short luteal phase. I looked at my chart for the cycle where my LP was only 8 days (5 days shorter than usual) and it doesn't look anything like my current cycle, so hopefully my LP isn't going to be an issue this time.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the bleeding/spotting could be a good sign - that's about all I can do right now anyway!

Very confused...

Today I'm 13 dpo, so my period is due tomorrow. However, my temp this morning went back up. This is so odd, because normally at 12 dpo it drops quite significantly. I don't really know what's going on. I'm still spotting, and it's gotten heavier, but I really don't understand my chart. It's never looked like this before at 13 dpo.

I tested this morning and it was negative, as I expected. I wouldn't have tested if my temp wasn't high, but I was curious. What am I supposed to think about this? I know some women have some spotting or bleeding and mistake it for their period when they're in fact pregnant, but what are the chances? I can't get my hopes up, because it's devastating when it turns out it was all for nothing.

I'm fairly sure that tomorrow my temp will drop dramatically and it'll all be over, but what if it doesn't? Some women don't get a BFP until a few days (or more) after their period is due. Could that happen to me? I guess. The spotting makes me pretty certain that I'm not going to be getting my BFP this time, but there's a tiny glimmer of hope with my chart looking the way it does. Hmmm...

Looks like we failed yet again

I'm 12 dpo today and while my chart still looks good, I started spotting this morning. Needless to say, I'm not very optimistic. I usually start spotting at 11-12 dpo, and my LP is 13 days. I guess I'll be getting my period on Tuesday, then.


The longer this journey goes on, the worse it gets. I started out being super optimistic, certain that we'd probably conceive within 6 months or so. That time has been and gone. I no longer get my hopes up very much, but when it becomes apparent that we haven't been successful it hurts more every time. My expectations are a lot lower than they used to be, but the pain is a lot worse. I used to be able to shrug it off fairly easily; after all, we hadn't been trying very long. I know that compared to some people, we still haven't been trying very long - I don't mean to be insensitive to anybody who might be struggling more than we are. It's coming up a year since we started trying, though, and we still have nothing to show for it. I just didn't think it was going to be this difficult.

Seriously bummed... :(

My period started today. I'm actually in shock. Today I was 9dpo, it shouldn't have started until Thursday (12/1) because my LP is always 13 days. I really don't understand what's going on. My temp was down just below coverline this morning, but I thought that maybe I slept with my mouth open or the covers kicked off. When I saw the spotting around noon, I was really surprised but thought it could maybe be implantation bleeding. I thought that at the worst, I might get my period in a couple of days. It started this evening though. I'm totally gutted, it just doesn't make any sense to me at all.

It seems to me that as time goes on, my cycles get crazier and crazier. It's so weird. My first cycle charting, I ovulated on CD22. The next cycle was anovulatory (we moved house and it was stressful). The cycle after that I ovulated on CD24, and this last cycle I ovulated on CD28. It seems to be later each time. All of my cycles where I ovulated had 13 day LPs, except this last one. I just don't know what to think now.

I'm starting to wonder if this just isn't going to happen for us. I know we've only been trying for 6 months, but at the rate things seem to be going, I dread to think what my next few cycles will bring. I was doing so well at not getting stressed with TTC during my last cycle - how can I not be stressed about this cycle, knowing that if I even ovulate, my LP might just be 8 friggin' days again which is way too short to sustain a pregnancy even if we did catch the egg.

Ugh, this whole thing sucks. I want to be pregnant so badly and I'm so scared that there's a major problem with me. I feel like such a failure because my body won't do what it's supposed to do. I know it's kind of irrational, because it's not like this is something I can really control, but I feel as though I'm failing my hubby and myself by not getting pregnant. It's not even only the "not being pregnant" thing that's bothering me - not ovulating in a timely manner and now having this ridiculously short LP is what's really bothering me right now. I know that the chance of conception with perfect timing etc. is only around 20% per cycle, but even if we did catch the egg this last time, an 8 day LP just isn't good enough for it to implant. So yeah, I feel like a failure.

I'm just a mess at the moment.

12DPO

It's really not looking good - still spotting and now my temp has dropped. My period will likely show up tomorrow or the day after. *sigh*


I hope my next cycle will be more 'normal' - maybe I'll ovulate at a decent point in my cycle, for once. Maybe my temps will be easier to read, with less fluctuations.

I think I'm gonna stop taking the B-50 complex. It doesn't seem to have done anything to increase my LP length, and I don't want to increase the dosage so I'll just stop taking it when I get my period. I'll obviously keep taking my prenatals though.

11DPO

Today marks 11DPO, and I've started spotting a little. Ugh... I'm still kinda hoping it's implantation bleeding, but I'm having a hard time trying to convince myself of that. In my last ovulatory cycle, I started spotting at 11DPO as well. I know that this could technically be implantation bleeding, but really, isn't it too much of a coincidence that I started spotting on the exact same day as before? I guess anything's possible, but I'm inclined to believe that I'm not going to get my BFP this month. :(

It sucks, because this would be a great time to get my BFP. I know that whenever it happens it'll be amazing, but just in time for my hubby's 30th birthday? Yeah, that would be pretty awesome. I realized today that the last time I ovulated (before this time) was July 20th. That's almost 3 months ago! I know my last cycle was messed up by us moving house (at least, I'm pretty sure it was the stress from the move that prevented ovulation) but it feels like such a long time. I know that some women have serious trouble ovulating at all, so I don't want to sound like a whiney bitch, but I just wish I had regular 28 day cycles! I know it's only about 5 months since I stopped taking birth control pills, so my body might still be regulating itself, but long cycles really do suck. My shortest so far has been 35 days, the longest (my anovulatory one) was 42. I have heard of some women having cycles of 100+ days though, so maybe I should just be grateful for what I have. There's always someone worse off, right?

I tested again this morning - BFN (of course). It could still be too early, I guess. Or, more likely, I'm just not getting pregnant this month!

Anyway, for what it's worth, here's my chart. I'm pretty sure this won't be my BFP cycle, but technically I'm not out until my period shows. I still have a glimmer of hope, at least for now! :)

CD35, 13 DPO, still spotting.

Still no period, just spotting. BBT was down again today to 97.7ºF, I didn't bother testing today because I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not pregnant. Today is CD35, 13 DPO. I guess at least since my period hasn't started yet, my LP is OK. Even if it starts today my LP is 12 days, which should be sufficient. My last cycle was also 35 days, I wonder if this one will wind up being the same... Maybe it'll be 34 days, if my period comes today that is.

I'm going to start taking the vitamin B complex in addition to my prenatals when my period starts, which I'm sure will be soon. I was wondering about taking evening primrose oil too, but I'll try the B complex first I think. EPO is supposed to be good for increasing fertile CM, but I seem to get that on my own anyway. I'll keep it in mind anyway. You're only supposed to take it from the start of your period to ovulation, and not use it after ovulation because apparently it can cause uterine contractions which you definitely don't want when you might be pregnant!

Confused...

OK, I really thought that my period started earlier, but it seems it might have just been more pink/red spotting. Since then, I've only had light brown/light pink spotting. I'd gone and updated my charts and started new cycles and then I had to delete them and continue with the last cycle, lol. I have no idea what's going on, but I'm still pretty sure I'm out.

In other news, I went to CVS and bought some vitamin B complex which has 50 mg of B6, 50 mg B1, 50 mg B2, 50 mcg B12 and a few other things. My prenatals only have a tiny amount of B vitamins so it should be fine to take these too. I've read that up to 200 mg of B6 a day is fine, so 50 mg daily is no problem. It might just help to lengthen my LP a little. Even if it makes it just 1 day longer, that's fine by me. Having said that, if my period doesn't start properly today then I might not actually need to lengthen my LP (it'll be 12 days if my period starts tomorrow, for example). Apparently B6 helps to minimize morning sickness as well so that's another good reason to take it! :-)

Luckily, the B-50 complex I wanted was buy one get one with a CVS card, which I didn't have, so I got one and then got 2 bottles (100 caplets in each) for about $9. I do love a bargain!

I'd love to be wrong but I'm 99% sure my period will come, it's just a question of when. I really thought it started this afternoon but the spotting continues now, so I must've been wrong. So so confusing!

Pretty sure I'm out this cycle...

I'm still spotting (light brown) but my BBT this morning was down to 97.9ºF which is 0.3 lower than yesterday, and 0.7 lower than Saturday... I know that technically you're not out until your period comes, but I'm pretty sure I'm out this cycle. For the hell of it I took another test this morning, which was BFN as expected.

I've just been over to the Babycenter.com forum and a few of the people who were having the exact same symptoms as I was got their BFPs today or yesterday, so I'm pretty bummed about everything. I mean I'm happy for those people, but sad for me. I feel like crying right now: I knew I shouldn't have got my hopes up, but I guess I really did. Everything seemed to be timed just right, I was having promising symptoms, and I'm not pregnant. I think TTC really messes with your head. I was definitely having the symptoms I recorded, they weren't in my head, I know that - but now I just feel so silly for thinking I could actually be pregnant. I also feel silly for feeling sad, because this was our first cycle trying properly and I know it's unusual for it to happen right away, but I really hoped it would.

Oh well, hopefully this next cycle will be the one. And hopefully I won't have to wait 22 friggin' days to ovulate this time...

Uh-oh... (TMI warning!)

This afternoon I started having some spotting... At first it was pink/almost red in color but then it became brown and now there's virtually nothing there. Nothing has made it to my pad, it's only when I wipe that I see it.

I'm really hoping that this isn't a sign of my period coming... Hopefully it's implantation bleeding rather than pre-period spotting. I'm really worried though, I must admit. On the one hand, the spotting coincides with the dip in my temperature this morning, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything - it could be an implantation dip or could be because my period is coming. I'm really hoping my LP is at least 12 days though, and if my period comes today or tomorrow then it won't be (if it comes today, my LP will only be 10 days; if it comes tomorrow, my LP will be 11 days). I'm also concerned that all the cramping I've been having would be 'unexplained' if I'm not pregnant! I mean, why would I cramp for all this time otherwise? Normally I have horrendous cramping during my period and around ovulation, but not for pretty much the whole 2 week wait! The most obvious reason I'm worried is because I'll be really disappointed if we haven't conceived this time (which is kinda silly because we haven't been trying very long at all).

Stating the obvious, my hope is that the spotting is in fact implantation bleeding and that I'll get a BFP in a couple of days when there's enough hCG in my system. Failing that, I hope my period will at least hold off another couple of days so I can rest easy about my LP length.

Ugh... TTC is most definitely an emotional rollercoaster, that's for sure.

CD16

I had some light spotting yesterday, which could be ovulation spotting. It's stopped now. I read about it and apparently it can happen 2-3 days prior to ovulation, so perhaps I'll ovulate today or tomorrow. I haven't had any BBT rise yet, so it hasn't happened yet. The day after ovulation is when you get a significant temperature rise, so if I ovulate today then I should have a jump on my chart tomorrow. We'll see! My CM has been pretty wet lately too which is a good sign!

We've been DTD a lot lately, so far we've done it on these days:

CD7, CD8, CD9, CD11, CD12, CD13, CD14. We DTD yesterday, CD15, but unfortunately didn't finish so it doesn't really count.

We'll DTD again today, and continue to do so at least every other day until I get a sustained BBT rise.

Sunday was interesting - our A/C broke down in the morning (or perhaps during Saturday night) and we had to go stay with the in-laws until it was fixed on Monday. Our house by lunchtime was unbearably hot! Our dogs can't survive in high heat and to be honest, we were struggling a lot too. So off we went to the in-laws' house, to stay in their guest room. Well, that was an experience! TTC at the in-laws' house, even though we knew I probably wasn't fertile then, was funny. The bed must be the squeakiest bed in the world, ever - that wasn't an option! We ended up DTD on the floor, which was far from comfortable, but we managed! Anyway, I don't think that's how our baby will be conceived... I haven't ovulated yet so it's been too long, really. Would've made for a funny story though!

I'm having intermittent cramping at the moment so I probably am going to ovulate soon. Here's hoping that we're successful this month! :-)

Now, if we were successful and we conceive this cycle, our baby would be due early April. That would be awesome because it won't be too hot here then - I can't imagine how tough it would be to be heavily pregnant in the summer here, I'd much prefer to give birth April-May time than June-September! Of course though, whatever will be will be. However, my friend and her family from the UK are planning to come and visit in April for a couple of weeks, and we've said they can stay with us (providing we have the new house by then - otherwise it would be impossible!). Well, the thing is, if I do get pregnant this cycle and everything goes well, that's not really going to work out is it?! I mean, if I'm due to give birth or have just given birth, we won't be wanting 4 visitors at that time. Plus, if that does happen, hopefully my family would want to come out here. I was talking to my friend on Skype this morning and she was saying that they're still planning on coming over here, they haven't booked anything yet but they're still hoping to come, and at the moment they're trying to sell their house and downsize. I wanted to tell her we're TTC, but I didn't think there was much point because just because we're TTC doesn't mean we necessarily will conceive right away. Maybe we won't conceive for a few months, in which case it would be fine having them to stay in April. On the one hand I did think maybe we should wait to try, but there will always be something that will make timing inconvenient, right? I mean, we have to live our lives for ourselves and not for everyone else. I'm sure my friend will be very happy for us whenever I do get pregnant, even if it kind of causes issues for them visiting. I still feel a little guilty though, but at the moment there's really nothing to tell her. Sure, we're TTC, but we don't have any actual news yet so I don't really see the point of telling people that. Plus, it would only add to the stress if people were asking all the time how it's going!!!!!

Spotting...

OK, so after wishing for my period to just be here already, I had the tiniest amount of spotting last night when I went to bed. I figured my period was coming, I had a terrible sleep (cramping a lot) and then this morning when I went to the bathroom I was convinced I'd be bleeding. Well, there was nothing.

So now I'm confused. Unless I ovulated later than I thought, it's too late to be implantation bleeding. I just don't know anymore. Implantation can happen up to 12 days after ovulation, so I guess it's technically possible - yesterday was June 27th, so I would've had to have conceived on June 15th. We didn't DTD that day, but we did on June 12th, 13th and 14th so to conceive on June 15th is feasible I guess. If I ovulated on June 15th then that would make today 13 DPO... And if the spotting I had last night was implantation bleeding, then all the tests I took previously would have been way too early. You don't have hCG in your system until the fertilized egg implants in the uterine wall, so if implantation occurred last night, even the test yesterday morning would've been too early...

Of course that scenario contains a lot of ifs and it's probably more likely that I'm gonna get my period at some point soon. I can't completely dismiss the idea though - it's possible.

I feel as though I'm grasping at straws, though. It's not likely I'm pregnant, is it? If my period doesn't show up in the next few days then maybe I am indeed pregnant...