Still partial ferning (CD13)

Today my ovulation microscope was still showing partial ferning, so hopefully in the next day or two it might become full ferning!

I'm really trying not to stress about the results of our testing, but at the moment it's proving to be difficult! I know that it's pointless to stress, because it won't change anything (and there's a chance everything will be fine!) but knowing it and feeling it are two different things I guess. I don't think we'll get any of my hubby's results for a week or so, and the blood tests I had were supposed to take a couple of weeks to come back. I think because I know they have his semen sample at the lab, I'm anxious to know if it's good or not!

This is a weird place to be in. I don't want anything to be wrong with either of us, but at the same time I'd like to know why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. If there is something wrong, I hope it's something that's easy to fix. I don't know what my gynecologist will suggest if all our results come back fine - will she send us off to try for longer, or refer us to a specialist? I didn't ask that question - I guess it didn't occur to me at the time. If everything's fine, maybe we'll conceive naturally given more time.

All this speculating is a waste of time, I know that. Isn't it ironic that I'm barely even thinking about the results from my pap smear, and only really bothered about the fertility stuff? I don't anticipate getting an abnormal result from my pap smear, but I'm scared as hell that I could be infertile. Damn, that makes my priorities seem completely messed up!

Some drama at the lab!

Hubby fasted from last night, and called the lab this morning to verify the instructions for collecting his semen sample. They said he could either get the sample at home or at the lab - as long as we got it to them within an hour it would be fine. OK. He collected the sample at home and we rushed over to the lab (which is almost 30 miles away). After some old woman almost got us into an accident by cutting us off, we arrived a little over 30 minutes after he'd collected the sample. The guy at the reception desk promptly told us they wouldn't be able to test it because it was too old by that point. What?!?!?! OMG, I just about lost it. Well, I didn't but I really wanted to. I told the guy he'd called before obtaining the sample and was told to get it there within an hour. He said he'd check with someone, anyway. Well, it turns out that everything was fine - the guy at the desk was wrong. Thank goodness! So my hubby got his blood drawn for his tests (testosterone, thyroid levels and cholesterol) and handed over the little plastic container holding his "boys", LOL. His results should be available in around a week, so they'll be back well before I even get my HSG and glucose test done. We both feel better now that we've done everything we can for the time being. We went to IHOP for a late breakfast (brunch, really) because we were both really hungry.

I used my ovulation saliva microscope for the first time this morning - it's so interesting! I got partial ferning, which means I should be ovulating soon. The leaflet says you normally get partial ferning for a couple of days and then full ferning for around 4 days (after that it goes back to partial ferning for a day or 2, I think). I don't have fertile looking CM yet, but I think I will soon. I'm really glad I bought the microscope, it's definitely interesting and hopefully it'll be accurate too. I think it's going to be useful because I ovulate on different cycle days every month and this should give me a heads up so we don't miss my most fertile days. We always seem to time it well anyway, but last month I was surprised to ovulate on CD17 and there's a chance we wouldn't have timed it well because of that. As it happened, we timed it perfectly anyway, but who knows if that would be the case every time? Anyway, for $27.95, it was definitely worth it  :)

My appointment today

I had my first appointment with the gynecologist today. Aside from having to wait in the exam room for about an hour, it went very well. She's really nice and I felt comfortable with her. She was really impressed that I've been charting my cycles and she also was impressed that my hubby is getting his testing done too (apparently she had another patient this morning whose other half refused to get a semen analysis done - thank goodness my hubby isn't like that!).

My pap smear went fine and she ordered blood work which I had done right after my appointment. I think the tests were for thyroid and estrogen levels. We discussed the B-complex I take and she's happy for me to continue with that, along with my prenatal vitamins of course. She's ordered a HSG for me too which I'm happy about. I'll get that done early in my next cycle - apparently I can just call their office and they'll get me in the next day or something. I also need glucose testing which I'll get on the same day as my HSG. I'll have to fast before that one and I'll be there for around 2 hours for the glucose testing - it doesn't sound like much fun! I guess I'll take a book or something with me... :)

I wonder if the glucose testing is part of the normal work-up or if she suspects something is wrong. Either way, I'll go get it done and see what the outcome is. There's no point worrying about it, really. It won't be for at least 3 weeks - I don't expect to ovulate before CD17, then my LP should be 13 days, then I'll have my period which is usually around 4-5 days long - and then I'll get the HSG and glucose testing done. We're probably looking at the middle of June, so I can put it out of my mind for now.

My hubby was going to get all of his testing done today as well, but that didn't work out. He fasted from last night and went to get his blood drawn while I was waiting to go in for my appointment, and he was going to take his semen sample in later on (he didn't have time to obtain one this morning because of work - even though today is supposed to be one of his vacation days). Well, it turns out he has to take his sample in at the same time as he gets his bloods done, otherwise he has to see his doctor again for another referral. Oh, and we have to go to a different lab on the other side of the city, too. Ugh!! I wish they would've said that last week, how on earth are people supposed to know these things when nobody tells you anything?! OK, so we're hoping that he'll be able to get his stuff done tomorrow morning, but it's kind of doubtful because yet more stuff has gone wrong at work and even though he allegedly has today and tomorrow off, it's highly unlikely he's actually getting any time off. It sucks!

At least if he can get his testing done before I have my HSG, then hopefully all of our results will be available at the same time and the gynecologist can go over them with us. I'll have to wait until I get my next period to schedule the HSG so I'm thinking if tomorrow doesn't work out for my hubby to get his testing done, then if he can get it done after I ovulate we should be good. Fingers crossed, anyway.

Testing starts tomorrow, and other unrelated things!

I deleted my rant about my hubby's job: it looks as though we'll be able to make everything work tomorrow after all. The plan is that when I go to my gynecology appointment he'll get his blood work done, and then later we'll take his sample to the lab for analysis. Fingers crossed it'll work out, anyway!

We went to the gym today and yesterday and did an hour workout each time. We'll take tomorrow off and go again Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. We both feel a lot better now that we're going to the gym regularly.

I got some good news yesterday: my friend and her family are coming to visit next Easter! They'll be in our state for a little over 2 weeks, it'll be awesome! They wanted to come last year and this year but were unable to afford the trip, but now they've booked for next year so that's something great to look forward to. They'll be staying in a hotel, which is a good thing because honestly we'd struggle a bit with 4 house-guests for that length of time. We'd manage but it would be a shock to the system when it's normally just the 2 of us (plus the pugs!). The husband is allergic to dogs and one of the girls is developing allergies to animals too, so it's definitely in their best interests to stay elsewhere. Plus, they'll probably have a better vacation because they'll be able to do what they want when they want. There are 3 pools at their hotel, too - I'm sure they'll enjoy those!
So we have my mom and step-dad coming to visit (staying with us) from 2/22 through 3/8 next year, then my friends coming from 3/29 through 4/14. Exciting stuff! It's good to have things like that to look forward to.

I ordered some stuff from Amazon on Friday - one of those ovulation detector saliva microscopes, some more HPTs and a book. I was going to order regular OPKs but I figured I'd give the microscope a go, because it's something you can use repeatedly as many times as you want. It was about $28, which I thought was pretty good considering that I could spend $55 on OPKs monthly! This is a one-off purchase so it should be much better value for money. It'll be interesting to see how it is, anyway. It should be arriving around Tuesday, so hopefully it won't be delayed and I'll be able to use it for this cycle. Today is CD10 so I doubt I'm close to ovulating yet; it'll probably be another week at least.

Overall I feel a lot better now than I did last week. I don't know what changed, but I definitely feel more positive. I think it's partly due to the fact that we're being proactive, starting with testing etc. I don't feel worried about my hubby's SA results or his blood work results, because I'm almost certain everything's fine with him. Of course I could be wrong, and I think I'm as prepared as I can be that there could be a problem, but I'm not worrying about it yet. It'll likely be a week before we get his results, so maybe I'll feel apprehensive by that time!

I'm fairly calm about my gynecology appointment too. I'm trying to think positive thoughts - I really don't like doctor appointments but it's something I need to do. I tend to get really anxious when I have appointments (I have no idea why, maybe it's white coat syndrome!). I'm sure it'll be fine though. I hope I'll like the gynecologist and that I'll be able to ask her lots of questions and get good answers. That's all I really want - for her to listen to me and take my concerns seriously. Oh, and to be gentle! LOL.

Research

I've been reading up about what the next steps may be in our journey, and it sounds as though we'll have to get a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). When I go to my appointment on Monday, the OBGYN might order some blood work for me (to be done on CD3 of my next cycle) but if what I've read is correct, that's about as much as they're likely to do. Of course, it could go differently - I guess people have different experiences depending on the doctor they see. I was really hoping the gynecologist could schedule a HSG and do an ultrasound, but it sounds as though that may not be the case. It may have to be a RE who does those things. I've heard of people waiting months for an appointment with REs, so I hope that won't be the case for us if we need to see one.

I guess it's a good thing that we're getting the ball rolling now: if we'd left it another 6 months or so, as I'd originally planned on doing, we could be in a far worse position time-wise. I was 27 and a half when we started trying, now I'm 28 and a half and if we do have to see an RE it could be months before we even get an initial consultation, let alone get all the testing done and start treatments etc. I could feasibly be 30 before I even get pregnant (assuming I do at all). I know that's still "young" but we'd like to have 2 or 3 kids and we're no closer to having one now than we were a year ago. I can't help but feel depressed about it, even though there's nothing I can do to change things.

The only thing we could easily try that we haven't tried yet is OPKs - maybe I'll get some of those and see how we do with them. I doubt that OPKs would make a whole lot of difference though, because we always time DTD well anyway. Also, they can be wrong so we could end up missing ovulation altogether. I check my cervix daily and when I start getting fertile CM we're sure to have lots of sex. I don't think using OPKs would make our timing any more accurate, but maybe it'd be worth a shot. If we do get some I'd rather get the digital ones, they're a lot easier to read. They're also expensive: 20 tests for $55. I guess I'd have to start testing around CD14, and could end up testing through CD23 or even later... I don't know, maybe it's worth a try at least. A box would hopefully last me for 2 cycles, so maybe it's not too expensive after all (unless I end up using them for 30 cycles, LOL).
Edited to add: I just read up on those OPKs - you apparently have to start testing on CD5! Ugh. Might not bother, since I ovulate late.

Hubby's appointment & more

My hubby's appointment today went well. The doctor didn't fob us off, he was very nice and gave my hubby a referral for a semen analysis and some bloodwork (which, if the SA comes back fine, will be irrelevant in terms of TTC but still useful to know about). He's getting his thyroid and testosterone tested, along with cholesterol.

We went to the lab (it's in the same building as the doctor) and they gave us a cup for the semen sample. It's good that he can "obtain the sample" at home, I imagine it'd be quite stressful having to do it at the lab with people waiting on you.

While we were talking with the doctor I asked if he could recommend a gynecologist and it turns out there's one in the same building who he recommended. I went and registered with them and I have an appointment for next Monday. I'll get a pap smear and discuss TTC with them. The doctor we spoke with at my hubby's appointment didn't seem concerned with the fact that I usually ovulate around CD21, he said as long as I'm ovulating it's all good. I'll see what the gynecologist says when I have my appointment. At least I have everything printed out now, so even though I didn't end up needing to show the doctor my charts today it wasn't a waste of paper printing them. I hope the gynecologist is nice and will listen to me. Maybe she'll be able to see something wrong from my charts, who knows?

I feel better now that we're being proactive, anyway. I have no idea what my hubby's test results will be like, or whether I'll be needing testing also (most likely HSG, ultrasounds, bloodwork) but now that we're starting down the road of testing, I just feel more positive. It's weird because I always hoped we'd never need to do anything like this, but we do and that's that. If one (or both) of us has a problem it's better to address it than just keep blindly TTC. Maybe if there's something wrong it'll be easily fixed. It could be something really simple to treat. Either way, if there's something wrong we want to know about it.

As I said to my hubby, if we find out that we're not going to be able to have kids I'll be devastated, but I think in a way it might be easier to find closure and move on than if they can't find any problems and yet we still can't get pregnant. I mean, obviously I'd hate to have to face being truly infertile, but then we'd stop TTC and find a new direction in life I guess. If you find out you have "unexplained infertility" then when do you stop trying? Do you stop? I know you can just "go with the flow" and not prevent pregnancy, but you'd always be wondering if you might be pregnant, you know? I don't want anything to be wrong with either of us, but at least if they know what the problem is it might be able to be sorted out. Not knowing would be torture, I think. I don't know if what I just wrote makes sense, but hopefully it does.

Gym induction... demoralizing.

We had our gym induction yesterday. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but I wasn't expecting to be made to feel like a piece of crap either. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and get fit. I get that. That's why I'm eating healthier and going to the gym. Just because the last time I went to the gym I only went for like 3 months, doesn't mean I won't keep it up this time. FYI, the reason I stopped going last time was because I was in the process of getting my visa to move to the US, so I had a lot of other stuff going on.

The guy wasn't 100% awful or anything, but he said a few things that really irked me. He asked how many meals we eat every day and I said 2-3, because sometimes I don't have a "proper" breakfast or lunch. He made some comment about "well I don't know what you're eating" in a kind of condescending tone - he may as well have just said "well obviously all you do is eat junk food 24/7". I'm really trying to eat healthier, and I've been doing well. I don't need that kind of attitude. At least I'm actually trying to be fitter. He also said that I need a personal trainer because with my track record I won't manage on my own. This was after I said I don't want a personal trainer, I want to do my own thing. I really don't want a personal trainer, but even if I did I don't know if I could afford it. Honestly, I like going to the gym and working out the way I want to. OK so it might not be the absolute most effective way, but I'm not a pro-athlete! If I want to go on the treadmill walking at a fast pace on an incline for an hour, then so be it. Isn't that a whole lot better than sitting at home doing nothing? I burned 715 calories doing that on Sunday: that can't be a bad thing!

I felt a lot better about myself before the damn induction, anyway. I wish I'd just skipped it and done a workout instead of sitting there for an hour feeling worse and worse.

I know that for a stranger's words to have such an impact on me, it probably means I have self-esteem issues. As far as my weight goes, I am very self-conscious about it. I just don't see how making someone feel like shit is the way to go. I mean, I felt more motivated before the induction than I do now. I'm not letting that one guy put me off - I need to go to the gym and make these changes, so I will. It's just quite demoralizing when someone basically has no faith whatsoever in you and tells you you're not going to achieve your goals without help from someone else. I will, thank you very much. How about actually trying to encourage people, rather than put them down?

I'm not morbidly obese, by the way. My BMI is a lot higher than I'd like it to be (about 32). I weighed in at 212 on Saturday, but I was on my period and likely had some water retention going on. I'm usually about 209, which isn't great but I'm 5 ft 8" so I'm not absolutely huge. Anyway, that's why I'm making these lifestyle changes - I want to get fit again. I'd like to lose about 50 pounds, if I can.

After yesterday, I kind of wish my hubby didn't want me to go to his appointment with him. I've never met this doctor and I feel as though he's going to take one look at me and blame all our fertility issues on me. I hate going to the doctor in the first place, so the last thing I need is for them to fob us off today. I printed all my charts and made some lists of things we've tried and when, and cycle lists (dates, O day, LP, duration). I don't know if the doctor will look at them or not, but I'll have them just in case. We'll see, anyway.

The thought crossed my mind last night that maybe we should forget TTC until I've lost as much weight as I can. That would be for at least 6 months, maybe longer. I'd only be 29 then, but I still want to have a baby as soon as possible. We've been trying for virtually a year now, I don't know if I can just quit like that. I do wonder if it would be a good idea, though. Maybe we should take some kind of break because it's starting to drive me crazy. I hate being in this funk, I think about it way too much and it gets me down all the time. I really don't know what to do for the best.