Oh my God...

I apologize if this post upsets anybody. That's really not my intention.

Today is 11 dpo. I woke up and lay in bed for a while, trying to decide whether to take a test or not. I almost didn't, but since I haven't had any spotting I thought I'd give it a go and used a cheapy. I couldn't believe my eyes when those 2 pink lines showed up. I'm officially in shock! I really never thought I'd be able to go to my husband and say "I'm pregnant!". I was due to start clomid with my next cycle. I'm so shocked, I don't even know what to do. Fifteen months of BFN after BFN, and now a BFP? For me? OMG. Of course I took a First Response Early Result and that was positive too. Faint, but definitely there. Pink, not an evap or anything. I took another cheapy as well, I don't know why I did that but yep, positive also. OMG! I took about a million photos of the HPTs, of course. It was hard to get good pics, but the lines are definitely there.

As far as symptoms go, I don't feel any different to how I always do after ovulation. My boobs have been a little tender, but that's nothing unusual at this point in my cycle. Other than that, I've been a little bloated and quite gassy (normal for me after O - sorry, TMI.)
I've been tired, but that usually happens after O too. I'm stunned!

I guess the next step is to go in for a beta. I'm shaking right now, I really didn't think this was going to happen for us naturally. I'm so happy, very excited and absolutely terrified too. I know 2 pink lines doesn't always equal a baby, but I'm not letting myself think those thoughts. I need to be calm, and think positive thoughts. I really hope it's a healthy, sticky bean.

My EDD should be somewhere around May 18th, 2013.

If anybody is interested, this is how my chart looks:

Temp drop at 11 dpo

I tested again this morning and got another BFN. I know I probably shouldn't have bothered testing, but I did it anyway. I'm still spotting, but it's a little weird: when it started yesterday it was light, then got heavier throughout the day. This morning it started out light and has become a bit heavier, but not as much as yesterday. My temp dropped this morning, though, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get a BFP this time.

I guess my temp could go back up tomorrow. My cervix is high, but I know that can change throughout the day. I still feel nauseous and I've had a headache on and off for the past 24 hours. I'm pretty sure it's either progesterone-related or just a random thing, because if it was a true pregnancy symptom I should be getting positive tests, right? I didn't sleep that well last night, so I'm really tired. I think an afternoon nap might be in order!

Exactly 11 months of TTC: thinking about possible options.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but I'm pretty convinced that this cycle is a bust like all the rest. Today is 11 dpo and I started spotting yesterday. I got a BFN when I tested yesterday. I didn't test today as the spotting is still there and it seemed like a waste of a test. My period is due Saturday (5/12) if my LP is its usual 13 days, so it won't be long now. I have a feeling my LP might end up being shorter this time because the spotting started earlier than usual. Normally it starts at 11 or 12 dpo, but it started at 10 dpo this time. My chart still looks OK, I guess, but the spotting is a pretty good indicator that we haven't been successful.

I'm going to be honest and say that yesterday was a terrible day for me. I just felt so low about the whole thing. I snapped at my hubby and then cried my eyes out. I really don't like what this process is doing to me, sometimes I can be such a bitch. I just feel like a total failure and this whole thing just hurts so much. For as long as I can remember I've wanted so much to be a mommy, and when we started our TTC journey I never imagined that at this point I wouldn't be pregnant. We know when I ovulate and we time things well every single cycle. I can't help but think there's something wrong, you know? I'm 28 and my hubby is 30. We don't have any medical issues as far as we know. We don't smoke, we hardly ever drink (we might have a couple of glasses of wine right at the beginning of my cycle when I don't temp, but that's it). I've been taking Mucinex for a few months around my fertile time to improve my cervical mucus and we started using Pre-Seed this cycle. We're going to join a gym today and we'll aim to go 3 times a week. Other than that I don't know what else we can really do to improve our chances.

Anyway, my hubby has made an appointment with his doctor for next week to get a referral for a semen analysis. It seems like the obvious thing to do, since it's non-invasive. I'll obviously need to get tested too, but at least if we know there are no sperm issues that's a start. Of course the SA could come back with bad results, but if that's the case we'd be better off knowing. If he's sterile (which I doubt, but who knows right?) then I can stop this crazy cycle of ups and downs. I'd be able to stop charting and all of that, because really what would be the point in that case? I honestly believe if either of us has a fertility issue it will be something wrong with me rather than him, but at least the SA will shed some light on things. There's every chance it'll come back great, and I really hope it does. We're both as prepared as we can be that it might not, though.

We've already discussed what our options might be if his SA is awful, and decided that we probably wouldn't want to use donor sperm if it came down to that. I just don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I think I'm mostly worried that my hubby wouldn't be able to handle it if I was pregnant and it technically wasn't his baby. Plus, I really want for us to have a baby that's part of us both.

If it transpires that IVF is our only option, I don't know what we'll do. We can't afford it (it costs approx. $16,000 per cycle, maybe even more). My issue with IVF is this: when do you stop? Wouldn't you just feel like "maybe the next cycle will work"? You'd have invested so much emotionally and financially, that you might not want to stop until you ended up with a baby. That could end up costing more than our house! Like I said, we couldn't really afford it anyway. If it was 100% guaranteed, then we'd probably make it work. Sadly, the odds are generally much lower than that.

We've talked about adoption and I did a little bit of research yesterday, but it sounds quite daunting. Apparently for every healthy baby up for adoption in the US, there are 40 couples waiting to adopt. Yikes. It can also cost up to $40,000, which is beyond our reach. The website I looked at tried to make the cost seem better by saying something along the lines of "any method of having a baby costs money - hospital bills etc." While this is true, there's this thing called insurance and ours covers virtually everything pregnancy and delivery related. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't cover anything to do with adoption! Plus, adoption opens a whole other can of worms. Some people who were adopted don't have a problem with it, while others have a whole host of issues because of it.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here: as far as we know, neither of us have any fertility problems. If one (or both) of us are found to have issues, they might be easily treated. There's a good chance we'll never need to consider IVF or adoption. I guess I just need to get my thoughts out at the moment!

I think joining the gym will do us both good, it'll be a great outlet for our frustrations. Back in the UK I loved going to the gym: I'd go 4 or 5 times a week. It helped - at that time, hubby (then fiancé) and I were more than 5,000 miles apart and it kept me busy.

I sometimes feel as though my hubby doesn't feel the way I do about our lack of pregnancy, but after talking to him last night I think it's just that he's better at hiding his feelings than I am. He's probably almost as disappointed as I am about the whole thing, but he doesn't get emotional like I do. I get it, in some ways it's not so real for men as it is for women. He's not the one having awful periods, feeling like everyone else is pregnant, charting, taking 2 different vitamins every day, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed, monitoring potential symptoms, taking pregnancy tests, etc. There's a quote out there that says something like this: a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she's pregnant; men become fathers when the baby is born. There may be some truth to that, because it's not the guy who experiences pregnancy first-hand.

I really want the whole package - I want to be pregnant and experience the whole thing. I know it's not glamorous, and sometimes pregnancy is downright uncomfortable and annoying. I want to have that, though: to know our baby is growing in my tummy, to go to scans and see the baby on the screen, to give birth... all of it. I really hope it'll happen for us soon.

11DPO

Today marks 11DPO, and I've started spotting a little. Ugh... I'm still kinda hoping it's implantation bleeding, but I'm having a hard time trying to convince myself of that. In my last ovulatory cycle, I started spotting at 11DPO as well. I know that this could technically be implantation bleeding, but really, isn't it too much of a coincidence that I started spotting on the exact same day as before? I guess anything's possible, but I'm inclined to believe that I'm not going to get my BFP this month. :(

It sucks, because this would be a great time to get my BFP. I know that whenever it happens it'll be amazing, but just in time for my hubby's 30th birthday? Yeah, that would be pretty awesome. I realized today that the last time I ovulated (before this time) was July 20th. That's almost 3 months ago! I know my last cycle was messed up by us moving house (at least, I'm pretty sure it was the stress from the move that prevented ovulation) but it feels like such a long time. I know that some women have serious trouble ovulating at all, so I don't want to sound like a whiney bitch, but I just wish I had regular 28 day cycles! I know it's only about 5 months since I stopped taking birth control pills, so my body might still be regulating itself, but long cycles really do suck. My shortest so far has been 35 days, the longest (my anovulatory one) was 42. I have heard of some women having cycles of 100+ days though, so maybe I should just be grateful for what I have. There's always someone worse off, right?

I tested again this morning - BFN (of course). It could still be too early, I guess. Or, more likely, I'm just not getting pregnant this month!

Anyway, for what it's worth, here's my chart. I'm pretty sure this won't be my BFP cycle, but technically I'm not out until my period shows. I still have a glimmer of hope, at least for now! :)

Uh-oh... (TMI warning!)

This afternoon I started having some spotting... At first it was pink/almost red in color but then it became brown and now there's virtually nothing there. Nothing has made it to my pad, it's only when I wipe that I see it.

I'm really hoping that this isn't a sign of my period coming... Hopefully it's implantation bleeding rather than pre-period spotting. I'm really worried though, I must admit. On the one hand, the spotting coincides with the dip in my temperature this morning, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything - it could be an implantation dip or could be because my period is coming. I'm really hoping my LP is at least 12 days though, and if my period comes today or tomorrow then it won't be (if it comes today, my LP will only be 10 days; if it comes tomorrow, my LP will be 11 days). I'm also concerned that all the cramping I've been having would be 'unexplained' if I'm not pregnant! I mean, why would I cramp for all this time otherwise? Normally I have horrendous cramping during my period and around ovulation, but not for pretty much the whole 2 week wait! The most obvious reason I'm worried is because I'll be really disappointed if we haven't conceived this time (which is kinda silly because we haven't been trying very long at all).

Stating the obvious, my hope is that the spotting is in fact implantation bleeding and that I'll get a BFP in a couple of days when there's enough hCG in my system. Failing that, I hope my period will at least hold off another couple of days so I can rest easy about my LP length.

Ugh... TTC is most definitely an emotional rollercoaster, that's for sure.

Family...

Last night we went over to the inlaws' house for dinner, and hubby and his mom went off for a chat about our new house etc. Well, on our way home he told me she'd asked when we were going to give them grandkids, to which he replied "when we're ready". She then said that he should tell me to get off of the pill so we could get started! If only she knew, haha. I'm so glad he didn't let anything slip - I've been off the pill since May but that's really none of her business, right?!

When we decided to start trying for a baby, we also decided not to tell anyone we were trying. We figured that we could do without the constant barrage of questions we'd get (especially from hubby's mom! lol) and that we'd tell people once there was something to tell them - i.e. when I'm actually pregnant. His parents have made no secret of the fact that they can't wait for us to have kids, which is nice in a way, but I know what his mom is like and if she knew we were actually trying then she'd be a nightmare. I can imagine she'd be asking every week (or every few days!) if I'm pregnant yet, and trying to give us unsolicited 'advice' - and since we don't know how long it's going to take for us to conceive, I don't think we could put ourselves in that position. I mean, what if it takes us a year or more? That's why we didn't want to tell people, because it would only add to the stress - and the pressure, honestly.

Anyway, I'm 11 DPO today, having the same symptoms I've been having for a while now including the cramping. Test this morning was negative (again!). It makes me think I'm probably not pregnant this time, but I know I'm not 'out' until I get my period. I had a bit of a dip on my chart today, it was back to 98.2ºF (yesterday was 98.6, the day before 98.3, the previous 4 days 98.2) which I guess could indicate an implantation dip, but I also know that you can get a dip without being pregnant, or be pregnant with no dip. Also, 1 temperature on its own doesn't mean a whole lot usually.