My period arrived about half-way through the pug rescue event I was running yesterday. I was prepared for it (my temp dropped by 0.5 yesterday). My LP was 12 days this time; usually it's 13, but it's been 12 the last couple of months. My OB wasn't worried about it when I asked, she said it was fine.
My pug rescue event went well in spite of everything. Apparently I'm good at putting on a brave face when I need to; I'm sure nobody knew there was anything wrong. In private I'm not always so well composed, but that doesn't count, right?! I had a little meltdown on Friday night, because I just knew my period was going to come yet again. I'd been so positive for that cycle, and it really hurt when it didn't result in a BFP. I guess I pinned all my hopes on the HSG miraculously making me super fertile, or something like that. Ridiculous, I know.
I think if I'm not pregnant in the next few months, we'll probably be taking a little break from TTC. If we do, we won't prevent pregnancy (ha! Like we need to anyway!) but I'll maybe take some time off from charting and just see what happens. I'm a bit of a control freak so I'm not sure I could stop - I like knowing what's going on, at least to some extent! Maybe I should try it for a cycle or two, though.
I've been thinking about emailing my cousin, the one whose wife is pregnant with baby #2. The one who claims to understand exactly what we're going through, because they tried for a few months for their first. The one who gave me the oh-so-useful advice, "relax!". I feel as though I should check in with them and ask how everything's going, but I can't bring myself to ask. I wish them well with the baby, of course, but now that they know a little of our struggles I'm finding it really awkward to contact them. I don't know what to say. I don't want their pity, and I definitely don't want to hear that all I need to do is relax. It's going to be like the elephant in the room - I don't want to talk about it, they know we're TTC, they're understandably excited about their new addition... and their happy updates cut me like a knife. What do I even have to tell them? I can tell them about my new role in the pug rescue, which I'm really excited about, but it just seems so lame compared to their baby news. He was on Skype this morning when I was talking to a friend, and I was so glad when he logged off without saying anything to me. I may not be very long into my infertility journey, but it's already changed so much in my life. I used to hope we'd get to talk, and now I tend to hope we won't. Their baby is due 2 days after our wedding anniversary; is it awful of me to hope it's not born on our anniversary? I know it shouldn't matter at all, but the fact that it might be just makes me so sad. If we weren't TTC, it wouldn't bother me in the least.
One year, one month, one week - that's how long my TTC ticker informs me we've been trying. I know that's not very long compared to many couples, but it feels like an eternity. Occasionally I torture myself by reading the "getting pregnant" forum, and I see women posting "I finally got my BFP after 3 whole months of trying!". Finally, because taking 3 months to get pregnant is clearly completely abnormal in their world! I wish that was my world, too. I wish I didn't know what it is to have to actively try, and fail, to conceive.
I hate that we had all the testing done and still have no answers. We're doing everything right, even my OB said so - shouldn't I at least have gotten pregnant once in this time, then? Even if it was a chemical pregnancy, or just not a viable pregnancy - shouldn't something have happened? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have a CP or a MC. I do want to know I can get pregnant, though. I guess I'm just disillusioned with it all.
Showing posts with label frustrated. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustrated. Show all posts
Monday, July 16, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Exactly 11 months of TTC: thinking about possible options.
I hate to sound pessimistic, but I'm pretty convinced that this cycle is a bust like all the rest. Today is 11 dpo and I started spotting yesterday. I got a BFN when I tested yesterday. I didn't test today as the spotting is still there and it seemed like a waste of a test. My period is due Saturday (5/12) if my LP is its usual 13 days, so it won't be long now. I have a feeling my LP might end up being shorter this time because the spotting started earlier than usual. Normally it starts at 11 or 12 dpo, but it started at 10 dpo this time. My chart still looks OK, I guess, but the spotting is a pretty good indicator that we haven't been successful.
I'm going to be honest and say that yesterday was a terrible day for me. I just felt so low about the whole thing. I snapped at my hubby and then cried my eyes out. I really don't like what this process is doing to me, sometimes I can be such a bitch. I just feel like a total failure and this whole thing just hurts so much. For as long as I can remember I've wanted so much to be a mommy, and when we started our TTC journey I never imagined that at this point I wouldn't be pregnant. We know when I ovulate and we time things well every single cycle. I can't help but think there's something wrong, you know? I'm 28 and my hubby is 30. We don't have any medical issues as far as we know. We don't smoke, we hardly ever drink (we might have a couple of glasses of wine right at the beginning of my cycle when I don't temp, but that's it). I've been taking Mucinex for a few months around my fertile time to improve my cervical mucus and we started using Pre-Seed this cycle. We're going to join a gym today and we'll aim to go 3 times a week. Other than that I don't know what else we can really do to improve our chances.
Anyway, my hubby has made an appointment with his doctor for next week to get a referral for a semen analysis. It seems like the obvious thing to do, since it's non-invasive. I'll obviously need to get tested too, but at least if we know there are no sperm issues that's a start. Of course the SA could come back with bad results, but if that's the case we'd be better off knowing. If he's sterile (which I doubt, but who knows right?) then I can stop this crazy cycle of ups and downs. I'd be able to stop charting and all of that, because really what would be the point in that case? I honestly believe if either of us has a fertility issue it will be something wrong with me rather than him, but at least the SA will shed some light on things. There's every chance it'll come back great, and I really hope it does. We're both as prepared as we can be that it might not, though.
We've already discussed what our options might be if his SA is awful, and decided that we probably wouldn't want to use donor sperm if it came down to that. I just don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I think I'm mostly worried that my hubby wouldn't be able to handle it if I was pregnant and it technically wasn't his baby. Plus, I really want for us to have a baby that's part of us both.
If it transpires that IVF is our only option, I don't know what we'll do. We can't afford it (it costs approx. $16,000 per cycle, maybe even more). My issue with IVF is this: when do you stop? Wouldn't you just feel like "maybe the next cycle will work"? You'd have invested so much emotionally and financially, that you might not want to stop until you ended up with a baby. That could end up costing more than our house! Like I said, we couldn't really afford it anyway. If it was 100% guaranteed, then we'd probably make it work. Sadly, the odds are generally much lower than that.
We've talked about adoption and I did a little bit of research yesterday, but it sounds quite daunting. Apparently for every healthy baby up for adoption in the US, there are 40 couples waiting to adopt. Yikes. It can also cost up to $40,000, which is beyond our reach. The website I looked at tried to make the cost seem better by saying something along the lines of "any method of having a baby costs money - hospital bills etc." While this is true, there's this thing called insurance and ours covers virtually everything pregnancy and delivery related. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't cover anything to do with adoption! Plus, adoption opens a whole other can of worms. Some people who were adopted don't have a problem with it, while others have a whole host of issues because of it.
I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here: as far as we know, neither of us have any fertility problems. If one (or both) of us are found to have issues, they might be easily treated. There's a good chance we'll never need to consider IVF or adoption. I guess I just need to get my thoughts out at the moment!
I think joining the gym will do us both good, it'll be a great outlet for our frustrations. Back in the UK I loved going to the gym: I'd go 4 or 5 times a week. It helped - at that time, hubby (then fiancé) and I were more than 5,000 miles apart and it kept me busy.
I sometimes feel as though my hubby doesn't feel the way I do about our lack of pregnancy, but after talking to him last night I think it's just that he's better at hiding his feelings than I am. He's probably almost as disappointed as I am about the whole thing, but he doesn't get emotional like I do. I get it, in some ways it's not so real for men as it is for women. He's not the one having awful periods, feeling like everyone else is pregnant, charting, taking 2 different vitamins every day, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed, monitoring potential symptoms, taking pregnancy tests, etc. There's a quote out there that says something like this: a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she's pregnant; men become fathers when the baby is born. There may be some truth to that, because it's not the guy who experiences pregnancy first-hand.
I really want the whole package - I want to be pregnant and experience the whole thing. I know it's not glamorous, and sometimes pregnancy is downright uncomfortable and annoying. I want to have that, though: to know our baby is growing in my tummy, to go to scans and see the baby on the screen, to give birth... all of it. I really hope it'll happen for us soon.
I'm going to be honest and say that yesterday was a terrible day for me. I just felt so low about the whole thing. I snapped at my hubby and then cried my eyes out. I really don't like what this process is doing to me, sometimes I can be such a bitch. I just feel like a total failure and this whole thing just hurts so much. For as long as I can remember I've wanted so much to be a mommy, and when we started our TTC journey I never imagined that at this point I wouldn't be pregnant. We know when I ovulate and we time things well every single cycle. I can't help but think there's something wrong, you know? I'm 28 and my hubby is 30. We don't have any medical issues as far as we know. We don't smoke, we hardly ever drink (we might have a couple of glasses of wine right at the beginning of my cycle when I don't temp, but that's it). I've been taking Mucinex for a few months around my fertile time to improve my cervical mucus and we started using Pre-Seed this cycle. We're going to join a gym today and we'll aim to go 3 times a week. Other than that I don't know what else we can really do to improve our chances.
Anyway, my hubby has made an appointment with his doctor for next week to get a referral for a semen analysis. It seems like the obvious thing to do, since it's non-invasive. I'll obviously need to get tested too, but at least if we know there are no sperm issues that's a start. Of course the SA could come back with bad results, but if that's the case we'd be better off knowing. If he's sterile (which I doubt, but who knows right?) then I can stop this crazy cycle of ups and downs. I'd be able to stop charting and all of that, because really what would be the point in that case? I honestly believe if either of us has a fertility issue it will be something wrong with me rather than him, but at least the SA will shed some light on things. There's every chance it'll come back great, and I really hope it does. We're both as prepared as we can be that it might not, though.
We've already discussed what our options might be if his SA is awful, and decided that we probably wouldn't want to use donor sperm if it came down to that. I just don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I think I'm mostly worried that my hubby wouldn't be able to handle it if I was pregnant and it technically wasn't his baby. Plus, I really want for us to have a baby that's part of us both.
If it transpires that IVF is our only option, I don't know what we'll do. We can't afford it (it costs approx. $16,000 per cycle, maybe even more). My issue with IVF is this: when do you stop? Wouldn't you just feel like "maybe the next cycle will work"? You'd have invested so much emotionally and financially, that you might not want to stop until you ended up with a baby. That could end up costing more than our house! Like I said, we couldn't really afford it anyway. If it was 100% guaranteed, then we'd probably make it work. Sadly, the odds are generally much lower than that.
We've talked about adoption and I did a little bit of research yesterday, but it sounds quite daunting. Apparently for every healthy baby up for adoption in the US, there are 40 couples waiting to adopt. Yikes. It can also cost up to $40,000, which is beyond our reach. The website I looked at tried to make the cost seem better by saying something along the lines of "any method of having a baby costs money - hospital bills etc." While this is true, there's this thing called insurance and ours covers virtually everything pregnancy and delivery related. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't cover anything to do with adoption! Plus, adoption opens a whole other can of worms. Some people who were adopted don't have a problem with it, while others have a whole host of issues because of it.
I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here: as far as we know, neither of us have any fertility problems. If one (or both) of us are found to have issues, they might be easily treated. There's a good chance we'll never need to consider IVF or adoption. I guess I just need to get my thoughts out at the moment!
I think joining the gym will do us both good, it'll be a great outlet for our frustrations. Back in the UK I loved going to the gym: I'd go 4 or 5 times a week. It helped - at that time, hubby (then fiancé) and I were more than 5,000 miles apart and it kept me busy.
I sometimes feel as though my hubby doesn't feel the way I do about our lack of pregnancy, but after talking to him last night I think it's just that he's better at hiding his feelings than I am. He's probably almost as disappointed as I am about the whole thing, but he doesn't get emotional like I do. I get it, in some ways it's not so real for men as it is for women. He's not the one having awful periods, feeling like everyone else is pregnant, charting, taking 2 different vitamins every day, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed, monitoring potential symptoms, taking pregnancy tests, etc. There's a quote out there that says something like this: a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she's pregnant; men become fathers when the baby is born. There may be some truth to that, because it's not the guy who experiences pregnancy first-hand.
I really want the whole package - I want to be pregnant and experience the whole thing. I know it's not glamorous, and sometimes pregnancy is downright uncomfortable and annoying. I want to have that, though: to know our baby is growing in my tummy, to go to scans and see the baby on the screen, to give birth... all of it. I really hope it'll happen for us soon.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Pregnancy news, but not mine of course
I just Skyped with my cousin and his wife, and they told me their news (that I already knew because our aunt told me last week). I think I did a fairly good job of concealing my feelings of sadness and I congratulated them with a smile on my face. I found it really hard when she was moaning about morning sickness, because although I'm sure it really does suck, I'd give anything to be pregnant. I'm not saying I'd love morning sickness, of course: just that I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world, and hearing pregnant women complain just kind of hurts. I know, everyone complains. She has every right to complain, I just don't want to hear it, you know? At least they didn't ask about when we're going to have a baby... I wasn't sure how to answer that one without putting some kind of damper on their announcement, you know? I guess "when the time's right" is a vague answer I could've used: it doesn't let on that we've been trying for almost a year with no success, or that I'm frustrated, sad and bitter about the whole thing. I'm still glad I didn't have to tell them anything, though.
Their baby is due October 17th, which is a couple of days after our second wedding anniversary. I can't help but wonder if I'll even be pregnant by then - if I'm not, we'll have been trying for 16 months with nothing to show for it. Damn, that's a depressing thought.
Their baby is due October 17th, which is a couple of days after our second wedding anniversary. I can't help but wonder if I'll even be pregnant by then - if I'm not, we'll have been trying for 16 months with nothing to show for it. Damn, that's a depressing thought.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Looks like we failed yet again
I'm 12 dpo today and while my chart still looks good, I started spotting this morning. Needless to say, I'm not very optimistic. I usually start spotting at 11-12 dpo, and my LP is 13 days. I guess I'll be getting my period on Tuesday, then.
The longer this journey goes on, the worse it gets. I started out being super optimistic, certain that we'd probably conceive within 6 months or so. That time has been and gone. I no longer get my hopes up very much, but when it becomes apparent that we haven't been successful it hurts more every time. My expectations are a lot lower than they used to be, but the pain is a lot worse. I used to be able to shrug it off fairly easily; after all, we hadn't been trying very long. I know that compared to some people, we still haven't been trying very long - I don't mean to be insensitive to anybody who might be struggling more than we are. It's coming up a year since we started trying, though, and we still have nothing to show for it. I just didn't think it was going to be this difficult.
The longer this journey goes on, the worse it gets. I started out being super optimistic, certain that we'd probably conceive within 6 months or so. That time has been and gone. I no longer get my hopes up very much, but when it becomes apparent that we haven't been successful it hurts more every time. My expectations are a lot lower than they used to be, but the pain is a lot worse. I used to be able to shrug it off fairly easily; after all, we hadn't been trying very long. I know that compared to some people, we still haven't been trying very long - I don't mean to be insensitive to anybody who might be struggling more than we are. It's coming up a year since we started trying, though, and we still have nothing to show for it. I just didn't think it was going to be this difficult.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
CD1 yet again!
Yep, AF arrived today. Early in the morning; the cramps were horrendous and I had to get up at 2.40 a.m. to take some tylenol and get my hot water bottle. My LP was normal again at 13 days, so that's good. I'm also pleased about ovulating earlier. Other than that, I'm feeling pretty down about the whole thing. If we'd conceived when we first started TTC, I'd be due now.
Oh well. There's nothing I can do about it, all I can do is hope that this cycle will be The One. Fingers crossed!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Seriously bummed... :(
My period started today. I'm actually in shock. Today I was 9dpo, it shouldn't have started until Thursday (12/1) because my LP is always 13 days. I really don't understand what's going on. My temp was down just below coverline this morning, but I thought that maybe I slept with my mouth open or the covers kicked off. When I saw the spotting around noon, I was really surprised but thought it could maybe be implantation bleeding. I thought that at the worst, I might get my period in a couple of days. It started this evening though. I'm totally gutted, it just doesn't make any sense to me at all.
It seems to me that as time goes on, my cycles get crazier and crazier. It's so weird. My first cycle charting, I ovulated on CD22. The next cycle was anovulatory (we moved house and it was stressful). The cycle after that I ovulated on CD24, and this last cycle I ovulated on CD28. It seems to be later each time. All of my cycles where I ovulated had 13 day LPs, except this last one. I just don't know what to think now.
I'm starting to wonder if this just isn't going to happen for us. I know we've only been trying for 6 months, but at the rate things seem to be going, I dread to think what my next few cycles will bring. I was doing so well at not getting stressed with TTC during my last cycle - how can I not be stressed about this cycle, knowing that if I even ovulate, my LP might just be 8 friggin' days again which is way too short to sustain a pregnancy even if we did catch the egg.
Ugh, this whole thing sucks. I want to be pregnant so badly and I'm so scared that there's a major problem with me. I feel like such a failure because my body won't do what it's supposed to do. I know it's kind of irrational, because it's not like this is something I can really control, but I feel as though I'm failing my hubby and myself by not getting pregnant. It's not even only the "not being pregnant" thing that's bothering me - not ovulating in a timely manner and now having this ridiculously short LP is what's really bothering me right now. I know that the chance of conception with perfect timing etc. is only around 20% per cycle, but even if we did catch the egg this last time, an 8 day LP just isn't good enough for it to implant. So yeah, I feel like a failure.
I'm just a mess at the moment.
It seems to me that as time goes on, my cycles get crazier and crazier. It's so weird. My first cycle charting, I ovulated on CD22. The next cycle was anovulatory (we moved house and it was stressful). The cycle after that I ovulated on CD24, and this last cycle I ovulated on CD28. It seems to be later each time. All of my cycles where I ovulated had 13 day LPs, except this last one. I just don't know what to think now.
I'm starting to wonder if this just isn't going to happen for us. I know we've only been trying for 6 months, but at the rate things seem to be going, I dread to think what my next few cycles will bring. I was doing so well at not getting stressed with TTC during my last cycle - how can I not be stressed about this cycle, knowing that if I even ovulate, my LP might just be 8 friggin' days again which is way too short to sustain a pregnancy even if we did catch the egg.
Ugh, this whole thing sucks. I want to be pregnant so badly and I'm so scared that there's a major problem with me. I feel like such a failure because my body won't do what it's supposed to do. I know it's kind of irrational, because it's not like this is something I can really control, but I feel as though I'm failing my hubby and myself by not getting pregnant. It's not even only the "not being pregnant" thing that's bothering me - not ovulating in a timely manner and now having this ridiculously short LP is what's really bothering me right now. I know that the chance of conception with perfect timing etc. is only around 20% per cycle, but even if we did catch the egg this last time, an 8 day LP just isn't good enough for it to implant. So yeah, I feel like a failure.
I'm just a mess at the moment.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Another crappy cycle :(
Right now it's CD27 and I haven't ovulated. There were a few times when it looked like I might ovulate, but it never actually happened. I was actually quite optimistic for this cycle - I wasn't stressing about TTC, we were DTD pretty much every other day and just going with the flow really.
On another note, we're now fostering a pug for pug rescue. He's such a sweetie. He marks in the house occasionally but other than that, he's lovely. It'll be hard to let him go but we're taking him to adoption events and I hope he gets adopted. We went to one on Saturday and a few people really liked him but weren't in a position to adopt. There's another one this Saturday so maybe he'll find his forever home then. I just hope he doesn't get too attached to us, I wish there was some way to make him realize this is only his temporary home, you know? It'll all be OK. Once he gets adopted, I'm sure it won't be long before we get another foster to keep us busy. :)
Anyway, I don't know for sure but I think my lack of ovulation could be due to other stress. I've been having some problems with my dad, he's visiting from 12/23 to 1/3 and he's being an idiot for the most part.
It started in September, when he decided he was coming. This will sound bad, but when I got the email asking if he could visit for Christmas, my heart sank. The reason for that is:
1) He visited last year and was a complete pain in the ass
2) He's a terrible house guest
3) It's our first Christmas in our new house (and if my body would do its job and damn well ovulate, it could be our last Christmas without a baby - not that having a baby would be a bad thing, of course, but it could be our last Christmas as just "us")
Well, as soon as his trip was booked he started making demands of me. He demanded that I get my driver's license (I have my permit but haven't been having regular lessons since around May/June time). The reason he wants me to get my license? So I can drive him everywhere, because he "can't afford" to hire a car. Well, that's definitely not true - he could hire a car if he wanted to. I say this because he booked more expensive seats on the plane than he needed to (about $300 more than coach would've cost) and now he's also booked 1st class train tickets to get to the airport (about another $150 extra than standard class would've cost). Now normally I would say that his finances are none of my business, but when he's constantly going on about how much money he's spent on this and that, and then in the same breath telling me how "skint" he is, I think he's making it my business.
I should probably add here that the reason I don't have my license yet is that hubby's car is a stick shift and I really get nervous driving because I'm always worried about stalling. Whenever I do stall I get really flustered and I hate it, honestly. I think if we had an automatic like 99% of Americans, I'd be much better and would have my license already. I didn't really need to drive in England because the place is a whole lot smaller than America, LOL. Public transport wasn't too bad for the most part and the city I lived in wasn't as big as the one I live in now. Here it's another story, you really do need a car. So, yes, I'm a weirdo for not having my license but that's why. Once I realized I would be moving here I chose not to get my UK license because I think it would've been so weird to be used to driving on the left hand side of the road, and it would've been more confusing than just learning here.
Anyway, this latest example of my dad being "skint" is nothing new. We used to meet up for lunch once a week and take it in turns to pay. One time, it was his turn to pay and halfway through lunch he asked if we could split it or if I could pay (I think it was the former, I don't remember) because he was skint. Then, right after, he went and bought a suit that he didn't need! Right in front of me, of course. OMG. That was infuriating. It seems he's only "skint" when it suits him. Never mind the fact that at the time I was actually skint, getting debts paid off before moving to the US. And he earned a lot more than I did. Yeah.
While being skint, he's also spending upwards of $18,000 converting his garage into another living room. And now he says he's going to buy a leather jacket for his trip here. Knowing him, he'll spend around $300 on that. Oh, and he has a good few leather jackets already. *sigh*
He's repeatedly told me that while he's here we won't be able to eat out much, because he's skint. Hubby and I aren't actually bothered about eating out, we do so occasionally and it's a treat, not an every night thing. We cook the vast majority of the time and that's fine. However, my dad will not eat chicken. He's not allergic to it, he just won't eat it because he doesn't like the way chickens are kept. I get that, but he even said he probably wouldn't eat free range chicken either! Yet he has no problem eating any other meat. Hmmm. I asked if he would eat turkey - his response: "I suppose if it's free range turkey then yes, I could eat it". Well, dude, you're going to be here for Christmas and we're having turkey (most likely). If someone was coming to stay who had an allergy to certain foods, we wouldn't mind accommodating them. Or, if it was a religious thing and they couldn't eat certain things, then OK. But he's just being picky for the hell of it and that really pisses me off! He's trying to dictate what we buy and as a guest he should just be grateful for what we provide, right? I'd never dream of going to someone's home and demanding anything.
The very latest issue I have with him is that since he's traveling on the train now rather than getting a ride with my stepmom to the airport, he can't possibly bring a suitcase. Oh no, that's completely unreasonable apparently. So he's bringing carry-on only. For 11 days. Yes, 11 days. WTF?! When he told me this (I was half expecting it because I know what he's like) I asked that he at least bring more clothes than he did last time. He flew off the handle. Yes, because I would like him to bring enough clothes so that I don't have to be doing his laundry constantly. Gosh, how awful of me! Last year, he brought a big suitcase but hardly any clothes. I couldn't believe it - I even asked him who packed it! Honestly, he had 2 or 3 pairs of jeans, 2 or 3 shirts, 2 or 3 sweaters and maybe a few pairs of socks and underwear. His trip was 10 days. Every day he would ask if I was doing washing, even when I did a load of washing the day before! It was infuriating. Now, don't get me wrong, yes we have a washer and dryer and I don't have a problem doing someone's laundry. But every damn day? Seriously?! Unbelievable. Then, when I was doing washing, I'd tell him and ask for his stuff that needed washing, and half an hour later I would still be waiting for those items. I'd have to ask 2 or 3 times for them, when I wanted to just get on with the damn laundry. That's just stupid, right?
So yeah, when I asked him to bring more clothes than last time he got really pissy with me, telling me how ridiculous I am and making snide remarks. He even said that since I only see him once a year I should do his washing every day with no problem. Then he started saying sarcastically that he would give us the money it costs to run the washer. I had to get blunt with him and say, "We live in the friggin' desert. It's completely wasteful to run the washer every damn day when there's no real need to! It's not about the bloody money!"
The next few emails I got from him all contained a passive aggressive statement about laundry. The last one was simply this: "Maybe you can find out how to use the washing machine before I arrive. Ha ha." I didn't respond to that bullshit. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, honestly. What a dick!
Oh and because he's not bringing a suitcase, apparently I have to buy him all the toiletries he needs. That'll be shaving gel, razors, toothpaste and goodness knows what else. I don't want to sound like a tight-ass, but when I said he could use my hubby's shaving gel (we have 2 cans of the stuff!) he said he didn't want to use his. Seriously? So I have to go out and buy more, just for his 11 day trip? Huh. Great!
The last time he was here, I showed him where everything was in the kitchen and told him to help himself. He spent the majority of the time sitting on his ass demanding cups of tea constantly. He wouldn't even get himself a glass of water. I remember one time, I was cleaning the bathroom and he started shouting to me that our dog needed to go outside. He was right there, by the door, but wouldn't let her out because he was too busy sitting on his ass. When I shouted back "Can you let her out then?" his response was "I don't know how to work the door". For goodness sake! It's hardly complicated, it's a sliding patio door. Never mind the fact that he hadn't even attempted to do it...
He left snotty tissues all over the coffee table, which is frankly disgusting. I asked multiple times that he stop doing that, because our dog would try and get them, but he still did it. He left dirty socks on the couch. When I asked him to put his dirty clothes away he actually said he didn't know where to put them. Um, how about in your suitcase in a plastic bag? Is that really so hard to do? We're talking about someone in his 50s here, FFS!
One day he left a coffee cup in the bathroom. Why it was in the bathroom to begin with, I have no idea. He somehow managed to dirty-up the entire length of the bathroom mirror in literally 2 days - to the point where it was worse than it would've been if I'd left it 3 months without cleaning it! Unbelievable!
He wanted to eat out virtually every night, but the one night we stayed in and cooked for him he couldn't bring himself to thank me for the meal. Hubby and I both cooked it, but I did about two thirds of the cooking. My dad saw us both cooking. He said "Thank you _(husband)_ for cooking for me" - I said, "We both cooked actually," and he just gave me this stupid look. We went for a meal with my in-laws and he told them how my hubby had cooked for him. I corrected him again and his response was, "Well you never used to cook!" Oh right, so just because I didn't cook when I was younger means you can't acknowledge a meal I cooked for you now? Because I really don't get that "logic" whatsoever. It's just another example of him being rude.
The other thing he did while he was here was criticize virtually everything about my life. He would go on and on about how bored I must be not having a job (at that time, I legally couldn't work because I was waiting for my employment authorization from USCIS). When I pointed that out, he would get all stupid and ask me things like "Well how can you not be bored?!" (um, hello, I'm living on a different continent, it's not exactly boring! Besides, I knew I wouldn't be able to work for at least a few months after arriving, because that's how the system works with the visa I came on! No point getting my knickers in a twist about it when I had plenty of time to prepare myself mentally, right?!).
He would start arguments over the most ridiculous stuff, and he basically just wore away any good will I had. I try to be a good hostess when people visit, I really do. When you have someone like that staying with you, though, they wear you down. As a guest in someone's home, I would never dream of creating more work for them. I'd tidy up after myself and not burden them with things. I'd certainly never criticize the people I'm visiting or their lifestyles!
The breaking point for me was when he accused me of making no effort. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back, seriously. This came after I had:
1) Rented him DVDs that I'd already seen or had no interest in seeing, because he wanted to watch them (and would then fall asleep watching them)
2) Given him loads of ideas of places we could go (to which most were met with "not really interested" - give me something to work with! I told him it was his vacation, so he needed to give me some idea of what he wanted to do so I could find things he's interested in!)
3) Made him countless cups of tea
4) Waited in Starbucks for over an hour while he had a massage
5) Cleaned up after him constantly
6) Taken endless criticism from him
7) Done his damn laundry because he couldn't be bothered to bring anywhere near enough clothes for his trip
8) Let him make phone calls to the UK and also use my laptop
9) Listened to him trying to guilt me because I moved here
Yeah, no effort on my part whatsoever, right?! =/
So, it's needless to say I'm not exactly looking forward to his trip this time. I have a feeling he's going to completely ruin Christmas and New Year for us, and just generally be an ass like last time. He's most likely never going to change, I get that. Well, if he acts like a dick this time, I don't think we'll have him to stay here again. I don't care that we have a 4 bedroom house now, I don't want anyone staying here if they can't at least try to be good house guests. I don't expect people to be perfect, by any means - nobody is! But I do expect some courtesy from someone who's staying in our home. I don't want to be anyone's maid. I'm not going to made to feel like crap in my own home. My hubby's even said that if my dad talks to me like he did last time, he's going to have something to say about it. If my dad really wants to be a dick, then he can go stay in a hotel. I don't want it to come to that, but come on dude!
Ugh, I have to talk to him on Skype later today. I'm so not looking forward to it. It seems as though every week he springs something else on me, which pisses me off even more. I wonder what it'll be this time...
On another note, we're now fostering a pug for pug rescue. He's such a sweetie. He marks in the house occasionally but other than that, he's lovely. It'll be hard to let him go but we're taking him to adoption events and I hope he gets adopted. We went to one on Saturday and a few people really liked him but weren't in a position to adopt. There's another one this Saturday so maybe he'll find his forever home then. I just hope he doesn't get too attached to us, I wish there was some way to make him realize this is only his temporary home, you know? It'll all be OK. Once he gets adopted, I'm sure it won't be long before we get another foster to keep us busy. :)
Anyway, I don't know for sure but I think my lack of ovulation could be due to other stress. I've been having some problems with my dad, he's visiting from 12/23 to 1/3 and he's being an idiot for the most part.
It started in September, when he decided he was coming. This will sound bad, but when I got the email asking if he could visit for Christmas, my heart sank. The reason for that is:
1) He visited last year and was a complete pain in the ass
2) He's a terrible house guest
3) It's our first Christmas in our new house (and if my body would do its job and damn well ovulate, it could be our last Christmas without a baby - not that having a baby would be a bad thing, of course, but it could be our last Christmas as just "us")
Well, as soon as his trip was booked he started making demands of me. He demanded that I get my driver's license (I have my permit but haven't been having regular lessons since around May/June time). The reason he wants me to get my license? So I can drive him everywhere, because he "can't afford" to hire a car. Well, that's definitely not true - he could hire a car if he wanted to. I say this because he booked more expensive seats on the plane than he needed to (about $300 more than coach would've cost) and now he's also booked 1st class train tickets to get to the airport (about another $150 extra than standard class would've cost). Now normally I would say that his finances are none of my business, but when he's constantly going on about how much money he's spent on this and that, and then in the same breath telling me how "skint" he is, I think he's making it my business.
I should probably add here that the reason I don't have my license yet is that hubby's car is a stick shift and I really get nervous driving because I'm always worried about stalling. Whenever I do stall I get really flustered and I hate it, honestly. I think if we had an automatic like 99% of Americans, I'd be much better and would have my license already. I didn't really need to drive in England because the place is a whole lot smaller than America, LOL. Public transport wasn't too bad for the most part and the city I lived in wasn't as big as the one I live in now. Here it's another story, you really do need a car. So, yes, I'm a weirdo for not having my license but that's why. Once I realized I would be moving here I chose not to get my UK license because I think it would've been so weird to be used to driving on the left hand side of the road, and it would've been more confusing than just learning here.
Anyway, this latest example of my dad being "skint" is nothing new. We used to meet up for lunch once a week and take it in turns to pay. One time, it was his turn to pay and halfway through lunch he asked if we could split it or if I could pay (I think it was the former, I don't remember) because he was skint. Then, right after, he went and bought a suit that he didn't need! Right in front of me, of course. OMG. That was infuriating. It seems he's only "skint" when it suits him. Never mind the fact that at the time I was actually skint, getting debts paid off before moving to the US. And he earned a lot more than I did. Yeah.
While being skint, he's also spending upwards of $18,000 converting his garage into another living room. And now he says he's going to buy a leather jacket for his trip here. Knowing him, he'll spend around $300 on that. Oh, and he has a good few leather jackets already. *sigh*
He's repeatedly told me that while he's here we won't be able to eat out much, because he's skint. Hubby and I aren't actually bothered about eating out, we do so occasionally and it's a treat, not an every night thing. We cook the vast majority of the time and that's fine. However, my dad will not eat chicken. He's not allergic to it, he just won't eat it because he doesn't like the way chickens are kept. I get that, but he even said he probably wouldn't eat free range chicken either! Yet he has no problem eating any other meat. Hmmm. I asked if he would eat turkey - his response: "I suppose if it's free range turkey then yes, I could eat it". Well, dude, you're going to be here for Christmas and we're having turkey (most likely). If someone was coming to stay who had an allergy to certain foods, we wouldn't mind accommodating them. Or, if it was a religious thing and they couldn't eat certain things, then OK. But he's just being picky for the hell of it and that really pisses me off! He's trying to dictate what we buy and as a guest he should just be grateful for what we provide, right? I'd never dream of going to someone's home and demanding anything.
The very latest issue I have with him is that since he's traveling on the train now rather than getting a ride with my stepmom to the airport, he can't possibly bring a suitcase. Oh no, that's completely unreasonable apparently. So he's bringing carry-on only. For 11 days. Yes, 11 days. WTF?! When he told me this (I was half expecting it because I know what he's like) I asked that he at least bring more clothes than he did last time. He flew off the handle. Yes, because I would like him to bring enough clothes so that I don't have to be doing his laundry constantly. Gosh, how awful of me! Last year, he brought a big suitcase but hardly any clothes. I couldn't believe it - I even asked him who packed it! Honestly, he had 2 or 3 pairs of jeans, 2 or 3 shirts, 2 or 3 sweaters and maybe a few pairs of socks and underwear. His trip was 10 days. Every day he would ask if I was doing washing, even when I did a load of washing the day before! It was infuriating. Now, don't get me wrong, yes we have a washer and dryer and I don't have a problem doing someone's laundry. But every damn day? Seriously?! Unbelievable. Then, when I was doing washing, I'd tell him and ask for his stuff that needed washing, and half an hour later I would still be waiting for those items. I'd have to ask 2 or 3 times for them, when I wanted to just get on with the damn laundry. That's just stupid, right?
So yeah, when I asked him to bring more clothes than last time he got really pissy with me, telling me how ridiculous I am and making snide remarks. He even said that since I only see him once a year I should do his washing every day with no problem. Then he started saying sarcastically that he would give us the money it costs to run the washer. I had to get blunt with him and say, "We live in the friggin' desert. It's completely wasteful to run the washer every damn day when there's no real need to! It's not about the bloody money!"
The next few emails I got from him all contained a passive aggressive statement about laundry. The last one was simply this: "Maybe you can find out how to use the washing machine before I arrive. Ha ha." I didn't respond to that bullshit. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, honestly. What a dick!
Oh and because he's not bringing a suitcase, apparently I have to buy him all the toiletries he needs. That'll be shaving gel, razors, toothpaste and goodness knows what else. I don't want to sound like a tight-ass, but when I said he could use my hubby's shaving gel (we have 2 cans of the stuff!) he said he didn't want to use his. Seriously? So I have to go out and buy more, just for his 11 day trip? Huh. Great!
The last time he was here, I showed him where everything was in the kitchen and told him to help himself. He spent the majority of the time sitting on his ass demanding cups of tea constantly. He wouldn't even get himself a glass of water. I remember one time, I was cleaning the bathroom and he started shouting to me that our dog needed to go outside. He was right there, by the door, but wouldn't let her out because he was too busy sitting on his ass. When I shouted back "Can you let her out then?" his response was "I don't know how to work the door". For goodness sake! It's hardly complicated, it's a sliding patio door. Never mind the fact that he hadn't even attempted to do it...
He left snotty tissues all over the coffee table, which is frankly disgusting. I asked multiple times that he stop doing that, because our dog would try and get them, but he still did it. He left dirty socks on the couch. When I asked him to put his dirty clothes away he actually said he didn't know where to put them. Um, how about in your suitcase in a plastic bag? Is that really so hard to do? We're talking about someone in his 50s here, FFS!
One day he left a coffee cup in the bathroom. Why it was in the bathroom to begin with, I have no idea. He somehow managed to dirty-up the entire length of the bathroom mirror in literally 2 days - to the point where it was worse than it would've been if I'd left it 3 months without cleaning it! Unbelievable!
He wanted to eat out virtually every night, but the one night we stayed in and cooked for him he couldn't bring himself to thank me for the meal. Hubby and I both cooked it, but I did about two thirds of the cooking. My dad saw us both cooking. He said "Thank you _(husband)_ for cooking for me" - I said, "We both cooked actually," and he just gave me this stupid look. We went for a meal with my in-laws and he told them how my hubby had cooked for him. I corrected him again and his response was, "Well you never used to cook!" Oh right, so just because I didn't cook when I was younger means you can't acknowledge a meal I cooked for you now? Because I really don't get that "logic" whatsoever. It's just another example of him being rude.
The other thing he did while he was here was criticize virtually everything about my life. He would go on and on about how bored I must be not having a job (at that time, I legally couldn't work because I was waiting for my employment authorization from USCIS). When I pointed that out, he would get all stupid and ask me things like "Well how can you not be bored?!" (um, hello, I'm living on a different continent, it's not exactly boring! Besides, I knew I wouldn't be able to work for at least a few months after arriving, because that's how the system works with the visa I came on! No point getting my knickers in a twist about it when I had plenty of time to prepare myself mentally, right?!).
He would start arguments over the most ridiculous stuff, and he basically just wore away any good will I had. I try to be a good hostess when people visit, I really do. When you have someone like that staying with you, though, they wear you down. As a guest in someone's home, I would never dream of creating more work for them. I'd tidy up after myself and not burden them with things. I'd certainly never criticize the people I'm visiting or their lifestyles!
The breaking point for me was when he accused me of making no effort. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back, seriously. This came after I had:
1) Rented him DVDs that I'd already seen or had no interest in seeing, because he wanted to watch them (and would then fall asleep watching them)
2) Given him loads of ideas of places we could go (to which most were met with "not really interested" - give me something to work with! I told him it was his vacation, so he needed to give me some idea of what he wanted to do so I could find things he's interested in!)
3) Made him countless cups of tea
4) Waited in Starbucks for over an hour while he had a massage
5) Cleaned up after him constantly
6) Taken endless criticism from him
7) Done his damn laundry because he couldn't be bothered to bring anywhere near enough clothes for his trip
8) Let him make phone calls to the UK and also use my laptop
9) Listened to him trying to guilt me because I moved here
Yeah, no effort on my part whatsoever, right?! =/
So, it's needless to say I'm not exactly looking forward to his trip this time. I have a feeling he's going to completely ruin Christmas and New Year for us, and just generally be an ass like last time. He's most likely never going to change, I get that. Well, if he acts like a dick this time, I don't think we'll have him to stay here again. I don't care that we have a 4 bedroom house now, I don't want anyone staying here if they can't at least try to be good house guests. I don't expect people to be perfect, by any means - nobody is! But I do expect some courtesy from someone who's staying in our home. I don't want to be anyone's maid. I'm not going to made to feel like crap in my own home. My hubby's even said that if my dad talks to me like he did last time, he's going to have something to say about it. If my dad really wants to be a dick, then he can go stay in a hotel. I don't want it to come to that, but come on dude!
Ugh, I have to talk to him on Skype later today. I'm so not looking forward to it. It seems as though every week he springs something else on me, which pisses me off even more. I wonder what it'll be this time...
Friday, September 9, 2011
It's been a while!
OK so it's been quite a while since I updated here...
Today is CD38 and as far as I know I still haven't O'd! It must be because of the stress of moving house. We moved on Saturday and it all went really well but it was stressful, of course. We're loving our new house, it's awesome! It feels like home now, well for the most part anyway. We love living here and so do our dogs! :-)
I'm kinda confused because on one of my charts the coverline got added today, which is kinda odd. I don't think I've O'd yet, but it seems as though my countdowntopregnancy.com chart might think that I have.
Interestingly, it's given me the same value for my coverline as it did my last cycle. My temps have been so erratic this cycle that I really have no clue what's going on, so I guess we'll see what happens in the next few days. If it does think I've O'd, then in another couple of days it should put my O date on my chart. That's assuming that my temps stay above the coverline though, I guess. I really hope that I've either O'd, or I'm going to O very soon, or if this is going to be an anovulatory cycle then I hope I get my period soon so we can start again next cycle. Hopefully I'll have more of an idea of what's going on within the next week or so, maybe sooner. This cycle has been so frustrating! 38 days so far and no end in sight yet. If I have O'd already then I should get my period (or a BFP) by around 9/22.
My other chart doesn't have a coverline yet but if I remember correctly fertilityfriend.com puts that in at the same time as the O date.
What crazy charts I have right now, huh?! =/
Today is CD38 and as far as I know I still haven't O'd! It must be because of the stress of moving house. We moved on Saturday and it all went really well but it was stressful, of course. We're loving our new house, it's awesome! It feels like home now, well for the most part anyway. We love living here and so do our dogs! :-)
I'm kinda confused because on one of my charts the coverline got added today, which is kinda odd. I don't think I've O'd yet, but it seems as though my countdowntopregnancy.com chart might think that I have.
Interestingly, it's given me the same value for my coverline as it did my last cycle. My temps have been so erratic this cycle that I really have no clue what's going on, so I guess we'll see what happens in the next few days. If it does think I've O'd, then in another couple of days it should put my O date on my chart. That's assuming that my temps stay above the coverline though, I guess. I really hope that I've either O'd, or I'm going to O very soon, or if this is going to be an anovulatory cycle then I hope I get my period soon so we can start again next cycle. Hopefully I'll have more of an idea of what's going on within the next week or so, maybe sooner. This cycle has been so frustrating! 38 days so far and no end in sight yet. If I have O'd already then I should get my period (or a BFP) by around 9/22.My other chart doesn't have a coverline yet but if I remember correctly fertilityfriend.com puts that in at the same time as the O date.
What crazy charts I have right now, huh?! =/
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tired of waiting...
Nothing much to say, except that this is my chart, which shows I haven't O'd yet (I'm now on CD27)
I think stress has delayed O, because we're moving house this weekend coming and we've had a lot of stress recently with my selfish mother-in-law. Fun times... =/
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