CD18

I've been using my ovulation microscope every day, and there's been no more ferning since CD13. I really thought I was going to ovulate 3 days ago, I had a big temp drop and then a 0.5 degree rise the next day, but my temp is down again now.

I hope that I will ovulate soon, but I'm not sure if I will. If this cycle is going to be anovulatory, I just hope it'll be no longer than my usual cycles. I really don't want my period to ruin our little vacation! Also, I'd like to get my HSG done as soon as possible.

My cousin (the one whose wife is pregnant again) emailed me a couple of days ago to tell me he'd felt the baby move for the first time. I'm happy for them but reading those words was like a blow... will my husband ever experience that? Will we ever have a baby? I think what annoyed me the most was that before I read that email, I felt pretty damn good. I hate that a few little words, with no ill-intent behind them, can make me feel so low. I don't know how to reply to my cousin; I kind of want to let him know that while we're very happy for them, we're undergoing infertility testing and having a rough time. But, I don't really want to let that proverbial cat out of the bag. I also don't want to sound like a total bitch, or make him feel bad for sharing. But then again, I don't want to keep getting these updates because they really hurt. Is there a way to say nicely, without hurting anybody's feelings, that I can't deal with this stuff right now? I don't want to burn any bridges, but their pregnancy is hard for me (not least because the baby is due around our wedding anniversary in October, and I might not even be pregnant by then).

I hate feeling this way because I must be a horrible person to be upset by their new baby.  :(