Saturday, June 30, 2012

Chart confusion

Hmmm. I'm truly baffled by my chart this time! I know I haven't ovulated yet, but there have been a few times when I've been sure I was about to ovulate. CD13 - because I had spotting and a high, soft, open cervix that day. CD15 - due to full ferning and cramping. CD17 - lots of cramping, full ferning and also because sometimes there's a temp drop before ovulation. Clearly, I was wrong about all of those days! I also thought I was possibly ovulating yesterday - not so! Now it's CD20 and I really don't know what's going on. I just hope that I will ovulate - I've been so optimistic recently and if I don't ovulate, that's going to come crashing down!

My chart looks nothing like my annovulatory cycle chart (from August 2011), so I'm hoping that everything will be OK this time. Maybe I'll ovulate today - I've had 4 consecutive days of temp drops, so I guess it's possible!  :)

The microscope is also confusing me: 7 days of partial ferning, 2 days of full ferning, 1 day of no ferning, 3 days of full ferning and 1 day of partial ferning. Huh?! I wonder if my body geared up to ovulate and didn't, so geared up again? I know that can happen with OPKs (pee sticks) but I'm not sure if the same thing can happen with the microscope. I'd hazard a guess that it probably can, though.

I've had a few weird dreams recently. I've dreamed a few times about getting my BFP, and once about having a baby boy (that wasn't really a good dream though; the baby was a preemie born at 28 weeks). I don't really buy into the whole dream interpretation thing, but it has been a while since I've had these kind of dreams. It's most likely just because of all the testing and stuff, it's obviously been on my mind a lot. I can only hope that I will get an actual, real-life BFP soon!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Back to reality!

Our little vacation was awesome. Pure bliss! It had us both saying we should have gone there for our honeymoon (we went to San Diego - it was cool but we were busy almost all the time - this was so relaxing, just what we needed!)

There was a little issue when we checked in - they didn't have the room we paid for available. We had to accept a downgrade for the first night (Saturday), and they gave us a voucher to use on food and drinks. On Sunday we got the room we were supposed to have, which was amazing! We had a king suite, close to one of the medium pools. It was just wonderful!

The resort was quite busy Saturday and Sunday, but Monday and Tuesday were nice and quiet. We were there until lunchtime yesterday, and spent the morning in and around the pool. Even when the resort was busy we still managed to get the pool to ourselves a few times. There's one big pool, 2 medium pools and a few little pools (the resort is big!). We spent most of our time in the medium and small pools because the big pool was busy and loud most of the time.

This vacation was just what we needed. We enjoyed each other without the distractions of daily life, and that's priceless. As much as we love our dogs, it was great to have a break. They all had a wonderful time, I don't think they wanted to come home! Our two went to a fun dog boarding place and played with other dogs almost all day every day, and our two fosters went to a vacation foster home. The family they stayed with really wanted to keep them, they obviously made a great impression and behaved themselves! :)

We're planning to go on another vacation in October, maybe for 4 or 5 days depending on how long my husband can get off from work in one go. We'll try one of the other resorts within easy driving distance of our house. The lack of real traveling involved was awesome - no long drives and no flights! Perfect!

Us enjoying the pool


Fire pit (even though it was over 100 degrees out!)

View from the resort

Big beach ball

Pretty fountain

One of the medium pools (empty, yay!)

Friday, June 22, 2012

Got my results today...

I had my follow-up appointment with my gynecologist today. All of my test results came back great! Nothing is wrong at all, so there's no reason why I'm not getting pregnant. I was kind of surprised that my test results were so good - I really thought something would be an issue! My glucose test came back perfectly normal, as did all my hormone tests. I didn't realize they tested for cholesterol and all of that - all of those came back perfectly normal too. I thought I might be diagnosed with mild PCOS or something, but no.

Anyway, my gynecologist said that if I wanted to take Clomid she would prescribe it for me. I don't see the point in taking it when I ovulate regularly on my own - if it ain't broke, don't fix it. She agreed, but said if I get really frustrated and change my mind she'd prescribe it for 3 months. She recommended continuing to try until the end of the year and then seeing her again if nothing happens by then. She seemed hopeful that we could probably conceive in that time, so fingers crossed. She did give me a card for a reproductive endocrinologist, so I can call them and schedule an appointment with them if I want to. I'm going to hold off for a while, because I really want to see if we can just do this on our own.

I asked about getting a progesterone test done and she gave me an order for it. She said to come in on CD23 for it (hopefully I'll have ovulated by then). She said that my husband's semen analysis results look great, but that she'll ask one of her colleagues who specializes in them to take a look at his results just to be 100% sure. His count, motility and morphology were all higher than average, so she's happy with it. It'll be nice to get an 'expert' opinion though, I guess.

So that's it: there's no reason why we shouldn't be conceiving. I am happy that everything came back normal, of course, but I'm a little confused because I feel as though we should have conceived by now if everything's normal! I guess we'll just keep trying and see what happens. I'm "only" 28 so we do have time (theoretically) to pursue other options later on if we need to.

Last night I had the weirdest dream. My husband texted me to tell me I was pregnant and apparently he'd done the test with my urine sample. Weird! Then I came home and got mad at him because he'd left the pregnancy tests in the pee container and they were ruined. I got pissed because he'd used my last First Response Early Result test and we'd have to go buy more! Oh and when he told me I was pregnant, he said we'd need to decide what we were going to do about it! As if it was unplanned or something! [even if it was, he wouldn't want me to terminate anyway - I think I knew I was dreaming while I was dreaming, if you know what I mean. Other crazy pregnancy dreams I've had made me sad when I woke up, because they felt so real and I was so bummed when I woke up and wasn't pregnant. This one, I woke up smirking about how ridiculous the whole dream was!]
Like I said, very weird. 


This afternoon we went for lunch, then did some shopping. I wanted to get a dress or 2 for our vacation. I ended up with 3 dresses and a cover-up to wear by the pool (I hate wearing a swimsuit so it'll help to hide my wobbly bits when I'm not in the pool, haha!) and then I got 2 pairs of shoes (wedge sandals). I love everything I got, and the best thing is that it was all a bargain. We went to Burlington and I got the 3 dresses and the cover-up for $60. My shoes were $35 in total (for 2 pairs) from another store. Awesome! I usually hate shopping for dresses, but the 3 I got are great . They don't cling to the wrong places; they're actually flattering and pretty! I'm so excited about them because usually when I'm clothes shopping I have a hard time finding stuff I like that actually looks good on me. I'm not super obese or anything, but I'm no supermodel either. I'm 5ft 8 and pretty well proportioned, but I hate my belly and certain styles of dresses accentuate the bits I want to hide! This is why I live in shorts and tank tops most of the year (jeans and T-shirts in the winter, LOL). It's unusual for me to find exactly what I'm looking for and have it fit well and look great. When I do find what I want and it looks good, I'm thrilled! :-)

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Attack of the flying monkeys!

I don't know if anyone remembers or not, but back in April things finally came to a head with my dad. He's a textbook Narcissist, and things had been getting progressively worse with him for a long time. The straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, was when he got super pissed with me for not showing up on Skype when we hadn't arranged to talk. Yes, you read that right: no plans had been made to talk, and I didn't get on Skype. That was my 'offense'. Hmmm. He sent me a crappy email, and I responded (quickly) that I didn't think we were talking that day but would get on Skype right away. He didn't log on at all, I waited for about 20 minutes. He also didn't reply to my email. Whatever, I figured he'd get over himself. Wrong! The next morning I had a nasty email waiting for me, saying that he won't talk to me on Skype anymore and if I want to keep in touch we can just email. Then he said "I hope you have a great life with (husband). I'm going to get on with mine". This all happened April 12th - I remember the date because it just so happened to be CD1 for me (just what I needed that day, obviously!).

Fast forward to Sunday - it was Father's Day. Given that I no longer have a relationship with my dad, I didn't acknowledge the day by sending him a card or anything. I didn't email either - why would I, when he evidently doesn't care about his own daughter enough to grow up and act like a reasonable adult? I kind of expected some fall-out from that, but nothing happened. Yet I wasn't out of the danger period: today is his birthday. Again, I didn't acknowledge it. I went about my day, cleaned the bathrooms, got on Facebook for a minute and there it was: a message from my aunt (dad's sister). Now before I post it here, I just want to say that I'm not close with my aunt at all - I hardly ever hear from her, I send Christmas cards and don't get one from her, etc. Not close, and not in frequent contact. I couldn't even guess when the last contact with her was, prior to today. Here it is (I edited spelling and grammar to make it more coherent!):

Hi Emily, hope you're all well. Just letting you know it's your dads birthday today, he's broken hearted he hasn't heard from you. :(  I'm sure you forgot x speak soon love (aunt)

I have to admit, seeing this message made my heart pound and my hands shake. I don't know what it was - anger, adrenaline? I don't like the effect it had on me, though.

I wrote back:

Hi (aunt), how are you? I'm not being funny but did my dad tell you what our last communication was? He effectively told me he wants nothing to do with me anymore. That was on April 12th. That's why I didn't contact him.
Em xx

She replied:

No Emily, I haven't spoken to him about you love, was just asking about you when I wished him happy birthday. I thought you had forgot, sorry x

I didn't want her to be upset so I elaborated a little:

It's OK, not your fault. I knew he'd find a way to get to me. Why does he do this? He told me in his last email (which was really nasty, by the way) "I hope you have a great life with Shawn, I'm going to get on with mine". Sounded pretty final to me. I don't want to sound like a heartless bitch, but he hasn't exactly been there for me since I moved here and he thinks I'm supposed to bend over backwards for him on his birthday when he sent me that crap? :(

She then sent me this:

I didn't know about this, please don't say anything, he didn't know I was talking to you. Try and put the past behind you, life's too short. Look at my dad, he died at 57. Sorry I upset you love x 

I just love how I'm supposed to somehow "fix" this messed up situation, when my dad is the one who completely lost it over nothing! Yeah, I just need to go and beg his forgiveness (for what?!) and let him treat me like crap again. Because, you know, life is too short.

Yes, I decided life was indeed too short and that's why I chose to disengage from the craziness. I can't deal with my dad throwing a temper tantrum over nothing - I'm sorry, but he's not a toddler. He hasn't been in touch since he sent that horrible email, and now he's telling his sob story to anyone who will listen? Really? Isn't it funny how he didn't mention the reason why he didn't hear from me?! Yeah, he just wants to make me out to be the bad guy.

I really didn't appreciate that final little guilt trip from my aunt. I think it was a low blow, honestly. My dad obviously doesn't care about me, or how I'm doing. It's been more than 2 months since I heard from him after his hissy fit. In fact, I just checked the calendar and it's been 10 weeks. I remember when I spoke to my mom recently, and I said I thought something would happen because of Father's Day and my dad's birthday. I didn't expect it to come from my aunt, though! As I said, I never hear from her at all.

Well, I haven't replied to her last message and I don't think I will. I don't know why she's worried that I'll tell my dad what she said - if she read my first message properly she'd know there's no chance of that happening. Let her think what she wants. I was tempted to block and delete her on Facebook, but so far I've just made it so she can't see what I post from now on (statuses and photos).

It makes me wonder what my dad's been telling my grandma. I'll admit that I haven't called her since all of this happened. I've wanted to call in a way, but I also don't know what I'm going to say if she brings this situation up with me. I guess since he whined about it to his sister, he's probably told my grandma even more. He's not exactly close to his sister, he talks to my grandma more. At this point it doesn't even matter to me if they "take sides" because they've never exactly been very present in my life. If I didn't call my grandma we'd never speak. Even when I lived in the UK, she never called me. I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't make much of a difference to me if we talk or not. I know whatever I tell my grandma would get back to my dad, though, so maybe that's a good enough reason not to call.

Why do families have to be so crappy? As if we don't already have enough issues with my in-laws! I guess we must have done something terrible in a past life or something! At this point, the only parent we have between us is my mom. My in-laws aren't good people and my dad isn't either. We'll be OK, though, because we have each other. I guess the only consolation that it's taking us so long to have a baby is that by the time it happens, all the toxic people will be long gone from our lives. At least our future children (if we have any) won't have to deal with these crazy freaks.

Trying to be positive again

Today is CD10 and my saliva microscope is still showing partial ferning. Since I've never ovulated before CD17 before, I don't really expect to ovulate for another week or so. However, other signs point to me being fertile at the moment. I guess we'll see! It would be great if it happened sooner rather than later, but as long as it does happen and we don't miss that window, it's fine.

Today's microscope photos:

Partial ferning, with the rest of the sample being 'blobs'

Partial ferning

I'm encouraged by some of the stories I've read about women conceiving soon after having the HSG. I know that it doesn't work for everyone, but it works for some. I know there's no blockage in my tubes, but I read a lot of reports of women who had no blockages getting pregnant very shortly after having a HSG. So I feel as though maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones. Of course I know that nothing is guaranteed, and I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much because it hurts so much to have them dashed, but I feel kind of optimistic for the first time in a while. I think the fact that our much-needed vacation is coming up is helping, too.

If there's anything amiss with my glucose test results, I should hear something today I think. I really hope those results are fine! I know that if they're not, there are medications I can take. I'd rather not have to, though. OK, so that was totally stating the obvious! Anyway, fingers crossed everything is good.

Today we're going to the gym after a couple of days off. We went Saturday and Sunday, and I tackled the evil elliptical trainer ;)  I might go on it again today. It's a good way to burn lots of calories, and also for me to push myself harder than I usually do. I was proud of myself for doing a whole hour on that thing on Sunday - I know it sounds pathetic, but it felt like an achievement! Since we started going to the gym (5/9) I've definitely improved my fitness level. It takes longer for my heart rate to increase and I have more endurance. I don't think I've really lost any weight (if I have it's not much) but I feel better. I also sleep better when we've been to the gym. Regardless of weight loss, it's definitely been a good lifestyle change! I wish we'd joined much sooner, but it is what it is. At least we're going now, anyway.

Monday, June 18, 2012

CD8 microscope pics

More ferning than yesterday, but still partial ferning

Becoming more fern-like!

Another pic

It looks as though I'm becoming more fertile, so hopefully I'll ovulate earlier than usual! I couldn't start using the microscope until CD12 last cycle, so I don't know what the ferning test would have shown at this point in my last cycle. It's still really interesting, though  :)


I just got home from having my HSG, and I'm so happy to say that everything looked normal! I was almost convinced there was going to be some kind of blockage, but no, it was great. Such a relief! I spent a while chatting to the X-ray tech because I used to do her job back in England, and she was so nice. I asked her if I could take some pics of my HSG images and she made me a CD with all of them on. Awesome!

The procedure itself wasn't at all bad, just a little uncomfortable but not painful. It wasn't much worse than having a pap smear, honestly. I'm having some spotting now but other than that I feel fine. I had some mild cramping when the radiologist inserted the balloon and pushed the dye through, but it was nothing compared with the cramps I get when I have my period.

Anyway, here are some of my images (with identifying information removed, of course!)

Uterus and both fallopian tubes

View of right fallopian tube (with dye spilling out)

View of left fallopian tube (with dye spilling out)

So this is what we know so far:
  • My husband's semen analysis and blood-work came back awesome
  • My HSG looked great
  • My blood work for estrogen and thyroid are presumably OK (I haven't been able to get a copy of those yet, but the lab tech said that I would have been contacted if there was anything wrong)
  • My glucose tolerance test results should be available in a couple of days, and I'll ger a call if there's a problem.
As yet, our infertility is unexplained. Of course, there could be a reason that hasn't been discovered yet. Maybe we'll know more soon. Better yet, maybe I'll be pregnant soon. That seems like wishful thinking, and I definitely won't allow myself to get my hopes up, but maybe it will happen.

I can't wait until our little vacation. We need it so badly!


Checked in for my HSG and glucose testing - told the front desk staff what I was here for. Had first blood draw, drank the glucose drink. Went back to front desk to ask where I need to go for HSG and they tell me it's not scheduled. Huh??? I called a week ago to schedule it! So it turns out the dumbass I spoke to on the phone (and in person at my last appointment) gave me completely the wrong info. I was told to call this office to schedule both the HSG and glucose testing. I did. Nobody said anything when I called to do so. Nobody said anything when I checked in.

So, they gave me a paper referral and I had to call a radiology office. Thank God they gave me an appointment for this afternoon. I know it's going to be OK in the end but it's beyond frustrating that I asked all these questions and the idiots gave me complete misinformation. I was surprised when they said to just call this office to schedule the HSG, but you kind of expect people to know stuff if it's their job. Evidently they should have given me this piece of paper last time I was here. I tried to be polite but I told them it's frustrating when I did what they told me to do and it ended up being wrong. The girls working on the front desk clearly didn't give a shit about what I said. I think I'm going to write a complaint, they're messing people around. I'm just so glad that I'm still able to get the HSG done today, though. I'm psyched up for it and need it to be done with, whatever the results...

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Cool pics!

This morning I thought it might be interesting to take some photos of my saliva microscope results. I know, I'm a complete nerd! Anyway, here they are. If you look very closely you can see some small areas of ferning (they're in the red ovals). I took the photos with my phone camera so the ferns are hard to see, and most of the sample has no ferning. I recorded it as partial ferning after consulting some websites. I'm only on CD7 so I won't be ovulating for quite some time yet, but I find the microscope interesting!

I should charge my camera and see if I can get better photos!


I'm quite excited today, because it's been confirmed that I will be in charge of the new pug rescue event I wrote about yesterday! Yay! I called the store manager this morning to schedule the first three events. [This will sound so bizarre, but I really hate calling people I don't know! Since I moved here I've had this silly hang-up about using the phone, because of my accent and I guess I'm worried I won't be able to make myself understood! Anyway, the call went well - I really need to get over the whole phone thing, I never had a problem in England!] The first event will be 7/15. That will give me some time to gather up everything I'll need. I've been making lists of things I need to have, since I seem to love writing lists. I guess I really am a nerd! Anyway, it's an exciting opportunity for me to become more involved in the pug rescue organization. I'm sure it'll be quite a lot of work, but I'm really looking forward to it!  :)

In other news, I decided to ignore my SIL with the Facebook thing. I don't need any drama, and I can't see a way of responding without some kind of drama ensuing. If she wants to get in touch with my husband (her half-brother) then she can email or call him. I don't need to be her go-between!

We're going to the gym again today. We went yesterday and I pushed myself much harder than usual. For some reason I don't like the elliptical trainer (whenever I use it my legs end up being like jelly!). Since we started going to the gym, about 6 weeks ago, I've used it all of one time and that was for only 10 minutes! Well, yesterday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill (walking fast on an incline), then 45 minutes on the elliptical. Granted, I had it set on a relatively easy setting, but it was still an achievement for me! I burned 545 calories in total, so it was a pretty good workout. I wish I could run on the treadmill but I find it hard, and if I was going to run I'd definitely need a better sports bra...

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Oh boy...

I got done writing my last blog post, then went to Facebook. I have a friend request and a message from my husband's half-sister. I used to be "friends" with her but since we don't have a relationship with my in-laws, and my sister-in-law never contacts us unless she wants something (like last year, when she tried to guilt me into going to her daughter's high school graduation, 2200 miles away in Florida!) I decided to unfriend her. I also unfriended every member of my husband's family - simply because I've never actually met any of them, they never get in touch with us and honestly, I don't want them seeing anything I post on Facebook and telling my in-laws!

I unfriended my husband's brother, who was our best man at our wedding, because evidently he's chosen to side with my in-laws (his parents) even though he told us he agreed with us about the whole situation. We haven't seen him in 5 months and haven't heard from him either. This is the guy who used to come over for dinner every other week. The way I see it, if he can't be bothered to keep in touch with his own brother that's not my problem. I'm no longer the social secretary in this family - if my BIL wants to get in touch, he has our phone numbers. He could email my husband. He knows where we live. Facebook wasn't (and still isn't) the only way he can get in touch. My husband had no problem with me unfriending his family, because he feels the same way I do. I'd already had to 'hide' my SIL's posts long ago, because she posts like 14 times a day (seriously!) and I was fed up of my newsfeed being full of her nonsense! Oh and she called my pugs ugly, LOL. What it really came down to though, was knowing that whatever she saw on Facebook would likely end up getting back to my in-laws. I don't post anything really personal, but still...

So, today she messaged me this: "Did you unfriend me? :( "  and requested me as a friend. What do I do? Part of me wants to say "I guess I did!" and leave it at that. Is that evil?! LOL. Another part of me wants to just ignore it. Another part of me wants to say "I cleared out my friend list and only kept those people I actually keep in touch with!"
I don't want to get into the whole thing about us not having anything to do with my in-laws and that she's collateral. I don't know for a fact that she knows about all that, but I assume she probably does. It doesn't matter either way, we have our reasons to stay away from them.

In a nutshell, the reason we don't have anything to do with my in-laws is because my MIL decided to try and force me into going to her 'bible study' classes (she's a Jehovah's Witness) and she wouldn't take no for an answer. She then proceeded to tell us that when we have kids, she will teach them (read: brainwash them) about her religion, because that's her right as grandma, and her religion is her life. She openly mocked us for not believing what she believes, and tried to challenge us about our beliefs. This all happened 2 weeks after we bought and moved into our first house, back in September. There were other things she did which were total "WTF" moments, and looking back there were many times when she was highly manipulative (she even tried to break us up when we got together), but the religion thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was also the second big religion issue we'd had with her in the space of 5 months. Believe me, she had it coming to her and our lives are so much better without her. I know that sounds awful, but she's so delusional and she thinks she rules the roost - our opinions as adults and parents (in the situation described) mean nothing. All she kept saying when we told her there was no way she'd be "teaching" our kids anything about religion was "but I'll be the grandma!" - which in her stupid little mind trumps us as the parents. Yeah, right. Plus, this happened without her even knowing we were TTC - if she's that crazy about grandchildren that have yet to even be conceived, how much of a psycho would she be if we actually were having a baby?! It actually scares me.

Anyway we didn't cut off my FIL because he didn't agree with what she did that night, but he seems to have cut us off (which is fine - he and MIL were very abusive to my husband when he was growing up, and honestly if I never see them again it'll be too soon). My husband hasn't seen his half-sister since about 22 years ago, and the only time she's contacted him directly was to ask him if she could use his employee discount to get a deal on something she was buying (of course he said no, and he never heard from her again. I guess he was supposed to risk losing his job for her - how entitled is she?!)

So, what would you do? Ignore her message or send something back? I won't be adding her as a friend again, and I doubt I'll ever meet her (as I said, my husband hasn't seen her in more than 2 decades and she lives on the other side of the country). It doesn't matter if she's pissed at me! She probably just wants to be nosy and try to get gossip for my in-laws (it took her about 6 weeks to notice I unfriended her, haha).

I shouldn't even give this any headspace, should I?

A jumbled post

My husband had the day off yesterday, so we ended up going to the shooting range. I thought that I'd feel better if I shot at stuff, but it didn't work. I ended up letting him do most of the shooting. In all honesty, the shooting range isn't my favorite place. I'm from the UK and the culture regarding guns is completely different! When we went to buy the guns a few months ago, I felt like a criminal! LOL. Anyway, I assigned the red circle as 'infertility' - which I guess is why I hit it so many times! The red circle seemed to be the most appropriate for some reason. I don't know what the blue square was supposed to represent, but whatever it was it obviously didn't make me angry enough, haha.

One thing did make me feel better yesterday, though: we went out for an awesome Indian meal. It was the best Indian food I've had since I moved here, almost 2 years ago. I can't wait to go back there again! It was so nice to go out and just have a great evening together. I can't wait until our little vacation, when we can have 3 nights like that and 4 days relaxing by the pool (or in the pool, since it's been around 107º here lately). At least it's a dry heat... haha. It's better than having the same temp with humidity, of course, but it's still freaking hot! 

We got our security door installed this morning. We ordered it right after someone tried to break into our next door neighbor's house, about a month ago. It's for security first and foremost, of course, but it's also going to have lots of practical uses. We'll be able to *gasp* answer the door without first having to round up 4 crazy pugs, or worrying about them running out into the street. That will be awesome! Also, when it gets cooler (in about 5 months probably) we'll be able to have the front door open and air the house out. Before the security door, we could only open the back door to let air in which didn't do a whole lot. Now we can have both doors open, with air flowing through nicely, and the pugs will still be contained in the house. 

Another little bit of news is that I might be getting my own adoption event for the pug rescue group I volunteer with. Nothing is set in stone yet, but there's a possibility of adding another event to our schedule and they need someone to run it. I said I would be happy to, and I have the support of a few of the other volunteers. We'll see what happens, anyway! I'm quite excited about it, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. It would be for a few hours one Sunday per month, at a big pet store. I think I could do a good job, and it'll give me something else to focus on rather than everything I've been dwelling on recently.

I'm going out for lunch on Tuesday with one of the ladies I volunteer with. She's much older than me (she has a granddaughter who just graduated from high school!) but we get along really well. She's a lot of fun, despite our huge age difference. When I bake bread I make her a loaf and she can't get enough of that stuff! She's kind of like the grandma I never had, I guess. I had 2 grandmas and still have 1, but we were never close in any sense of the term. We never lived near either of them and I didn't see them often enough to be close to them. Anyway, Tuesday will be nice! It's something to look forward to immediately after Monday, too. 

I think I'll be really glad when my testing has been done, whatever the results. On the one hand if the results are fine, then we'll have hope. Maybe if everything is fine I'll be able to relax more about everything (not that I buy into the "relax!" stuff!). If the results are bad, then we'll have to reevaluate. I'm really hoping that if there is a blockage in my tubes, it won't be bad and it'll be cleared by the HSG. I'm a little concerned about the glucose testing, as I do have some symptoms that could point to PCOS. I guess it's better to know if there's something wrong than to be ignorant, though. I'd hate to have to take medication, but if it's necessary then I will. 

I think that knowing everything came back great with my husband's testing has made me worry more than I would have done had we not known his results. I don't know if that made any sense... What I mean is, if he hadn't gotten tested already maybe I'd be less worried about my own results, because there would be a chance that his results might not be great. As it is, though, everything's awesome with him so if there's a problem is has to be with me. That's what's making me dread all of this. The actual tests themselves don't worry me much, but the results do. If something is wrong then I really hope it's something that can be corrected easily.

I keep trying to convince myself that if we can't have kids, it won't be the end of the world. It's not working, though. I think it would be the end of my world, at least. Hopefully not forever though.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

That didn't last very long!

I'm back, after less than a week away from blogging. I was planning to take a longer break, but this is a good place to air my frustrations!

At this point I really do feel like taking a break from TTC. The only trouble with that is that I'm getting my HSG and glucose testing done on Monday (6/18) and it seems like a silly time to take a break because of that. I mean, I guess I could be one of the lucky ones who conceives shortly after the HSG. I'm not really expecting the HSG to make me super fertile or anything, but I have read that for the 3 months following a HSG you can have increased fertility. I suppose that all depends on whether there's any kind of blockage in the first place, but I'd feel like such an idiot if I took a break right now, when it could be a good time for us to finally get that elusive BFP.

When I called the gynecology office to schedule my HSG and glucose testing, it was a disaster. Let me start off by saying that I know the receptionist isn't medically trained, and I don't expect them to know everything. Well, we discussed the HSG and I asked about whether I should take painkillers beforehand - due to the glucose testing I have to fast so probably couldn't take any painkillers, so I wanted to check that they don't make you take anything because I'll have an empty stomach. So I got that scheduled. Then I asked how long I have to fast before the glucose testing, and she asked "How far along are you?"
Bearing in mind I'd literally just scheduled the HSG, I couldn't quite believe my ears. I said, "I'm having the HSG done because I'm having trouble getting pregnant - so I'm not pregnant!" (as I said, I know the front desk staff aren't medically trained, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to know a tiny bit about common procedures they schedule often - and to know that a HSG isn't something you get when you're pregnant!).

I then asked some more questions about the HSG and was sure to very clearly say HSG a few more times, because I was wondering if she'd even scheduled me for the right thing. I suspect this is the same girl who tried to make me sign a consent form for banking my baby's cord blood when I went for my pap smear. I laughed it off and said "I'm not pregnant, so it's irrelevant". Now don't get me wrong, I know that a lot of women who visit the OBGYN's office are obviously going to be pregnant. But they must have other patients in similar situations to me - I can't be the only one who's not pregnant! It stings when people make assumptions like that. Also, that day I ended up sitting across from a pregnant 15 year old (well, she looked 15 anyway - I suppose she could have been 16, LOL). This is why I want to get both tests done in the same visit - I can't stand to sit there multiple times with a bunch of pregnant women (or worse, pregnant teens). I know I'll have to go back again after Monday, but I'm trying to make as few trips as possible.


I've been struggling a lot with it being a year since we started trying. I remember how upset I was when it had been 9 months - I think mainly because I realized that if I had been one of those incredibly lucky women who get pregnant right away, we'd be having a baby at that time. At the 9 month mark it was hard, but I knew we had a few months before hitting the dreaded one year mark. I think I had it in my mind that surely we'd waited long enough, and it was bound to happen before we got to be labelled infertile. Of course that didn't happen, and now I just feel so depressed. I haven't done anything around the house - the dishes keep piling up, and I have the time but don't do anything. Don't get me wrong, our house isn't filthy or anything, but it could use basic cleaning. I can't even motivate myself to do that, because I feel trapped in this infertility bubble. I wish I could stop thinking about it, but this never leaves me. Everywhere I go, it seems as though everyone is pregnant. I hate shopping these days, especially at stores like Target that have huge baby sections. It's not like I can forget that we don't have a baby, but it kind of hurts to see all that stuff that I used to think we'd surely be needing soon.

Back when we first started trying, we used to talk about baby names and nursery ideas all the time. I used to look at baby stuff in stores a lot, to get ideas about what I wanted for our baby. I made the stupid mistake of buying a few small items - blankets, a couple of onesies, a toy to attach to a stroller or car seat. Needless to say, those have all been shoved to the back of the closet. We haven't discussed baby names in forever. I made a list somewhere on my laptop which I can't bear to look at, because who knows if we'll ever have a baby to name? It sounds dramatic to say that, but after a year of trying - and knowing I was ovulating, and timing sex well - it seems as though something is horribly wrong and I have to prepare myself as best as I can for not being a mom. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, and I really don't know who I'm supposed to be if that won't happen. I don't know how I'd ever get over it if it turns out that we're not able to have a baby.

It's one thing to be child-free by choice, but we would never choose that lifestyle. We both really want to have kids, even though we're fully aware it's not always awesome to be parents. My brain tells me that there are probably good reasons to not have children - financially it's easier without kids, obviously; it's easier to be spontaneous without kids, of course; we'd get a lot more "us" time without kids. My heart doesn't care about any of the supposed "plus" points to being child-free, though: nothing will make me stop wanting to have children, it's part of who I am and I can't switch it off.

After keeping this struggle to myself for a long time, I recently opened up to a few people. I feel as though it was the biggest mistake ever, because of the people I confided in, I only got 1 truly helpful reaction. I told my cousin because he and his wife are expecting their second baby, (right around our wedding anniversary, which for some reason hurts me more - irrational, I know) and I had to say something because I can't handle talking to him and his wife right now. She complains about pregnancy, and I can't deal with that. Anyway in his email back to me he said they know exactly how we feel, because they had some testing done before they had their first kid. The thing is, his wife told me herself that they didn't wait long before getting the testing done because she has PCOS, so they didn't try for a year with no success. She was prescribed Clomid but never had to take it because she found out she was pregnant before she could start it. And now they're more than half-way through their second pregnancy, and their first kid only recently turned 2. They might think they understand, but I really don't buy it. We might never have a baby, and they'll have 2 kids in 4 months time.

I told my mom this week and that was a total waste of time. I admit I snapped at her. because she said "Did you know *cousin and wife* are having another baby?" - well, since I was the person who told her 2 months ago, yes I do know. I snapped, "Yes, it was me who told you, and I'm sick of hearing about their baby. We've been trying for a year now, so..."
Her response? "Relax! Stressing about it won't help". [Gee, thanks mom, that's so helpful...] Then that was the end of that, and we talked about other stuff for the rest of the call. It took all I had not to hang up the phone, because being told to relax is just a kick in the teeth. At the end of the call she said "Well I'm glad everything is going so well for you both" - is it really? That's news to me. I mean, yeah, we have a good marriage. But everything isn't going well at all. Everything to me is this infertility crap, and that's definitely not going well. I guess I know I can't confide in her, then. It sucks because if you can't talk to your own mom, then who can you talk to? I feel so let down, it took a lot for me to say anything and I've been wanting to tell her for months but never got the courage to do so. I know that nothing she says would change the situation, but even if she said something like "I'm sorry you're having trouble, I hope you get some answers soon" that would've been a million times better than "relax!"

Last week one of my "friends" was offloading on me for like the billionth time. She's one of these people who always has big problems, and always sends me huge messages on Facebook (and I mean huge - they're like freaking essays!) about how awful everything is. I try to be sympathetic, but it dawned on me that she's never once been there for me whenever I've had a problem, and honestly at the moment I don't have the emotional energy to deal with her issues. Most of her issues stem from the fact that her husband cheats on her and ends up frequently going to jail for god knows what. She's left him before and always ends up going back. It gets exhausting trying to be there for someone when that's their situation - it's like she won't help herself. I know that it's hard for her, but seriously she's never once been there for me. True friends are there for each other, right? So, I thought I should give her a chance to be there for me and I told her a bit about what we're going through. Well, I shouldn't have bothered. She told me that we should have sex during my period because that's how she got pregnant. Um, OK, that might have worked for her but since the earliest I've ever ovulated is CD17, that's not going to work for me! I told her as much but she insisted that it would. Whatever. She said if it works then we have to name the baby after her if it's a girl. Yeah, right...

Then she told me that me and my hubby are the "perfect couple" so we can't be infertile. Really now? If that's how things work, then how do people get pregnant from casual meaningless relationships or one night stands? Damn. Then she proceeded to tell me all about her amazing pregnancies and even her labor and delivery stories. I have no idea why she thought that was helping - I mean, that's definitely not what someone struggling with infertility needs to hear! She kept going on and on about it, and it just felt like she was rubbing salt in the wound. I know that fertile people don't really get it, but I thought about all the times I've been there for her when she's been in situations I haven't been in - like when she lost her house, when her husband cheated, etc. I still offered her support. I didn't rub it in and tell her how awesome my husband is, or how great our house is, you know? Is it really too much to expect a little empathy? If I can put myself in her shoes and be sensitive about her situations, why can't she do the same for me?

One of my good friends from my home country knows, and tries to be supportive. The trouble is, she's one of those people who really thinks that thinking positive makes things happen. Sorry, but I don't subscribe to that! It's never worked for me in any situation, especially not this one.

The only person I've reached out to in real life who really "gets" it is someone who volunteers with the same organization I do. She and her husband were unable to have kids because she was told that due to her blood pressure issues, getting pregnant would kill her. It's really sad, they would've been awesome parents. I don't like to burden her with my issues though, because she knows for a fact that she'll never have kids and it's not so cut and dry for us yet.

I'm not worried about the actual tests I'm having done, but I'm really scared that the results will be awful. I have this (possibly irrational) fear that my tubes will be blocked beyond repair - and the only "solution" available to us will be IVF. That's not at all available to us because it would have to be paid for 100% out of pocket, since our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. We're lucky that it does cover the testing and corrective surgery if needed, but it won't cover IVF at all and it's not something we can afford (especially since it usually takes 3 attempts to actually get pregnant - it could end up being $60,000 or more).

Anyway, that's my vent for the day! If you made it to the end then you definitely deserve a gold star (or brownie, or a glass of wine).

Friday, June 8, 2012

A little change to the scheduled programming!

TTC isn't going well as you know. Today has been a crappy day all around, so I thought I'd change things up around here and post some pug pics! Something happier than my recent posts :)

I'm sure I'll be back soon with more on TTC, but right now I need to take some time off from that. It's been a year of ups and downs, and psychologically the one year mark has hit me hard. Nine months was hard too, but this is worse. I never thought that we'd still be trying a year down the line, but here we are. Now we fit the definition of infertile. It's not a good place to be.

My little monkeys again (sorry!)

In a cart at Petsmart. We had all 4 dogs with us and it seemed like the logical solution. It really wasn't - Suzie jumped out about 20 seconds after I snapped this shot! Crazy pug... ;)

Our previous foster pugs

Foster #1: Cheko (5 years, rescued from a shelter)


Foster #2: Max (2 years, surrendered by owner)


Foster #3: Tien Ping (6 years, surrendered by owner)

Tien Ping (we called him Ping Pug)

Foster #4: Hudson (4 years, found as a stray)

Hudson after his surgeries

Hudson when he was recovered :)

I loved all of these pugs so much, but Max was the hardest for me to let go. I formed such a bond with him, but I know he got a wonderful home with lovely people and that's what matters.

Cheko is now Mayhem (it's meant to be ironic, he's quiet and well-behaved!). Max is still Max! Tien Ping is now Ollie, and Hudson is now Wally.

I'm so happy we're able to foster and make a difference in the lives of these dogs. It's incredibly rewarding (and occasionally heartbreaking).

My fur-babies

Suzie & Gracie

Suzie & Gracie

Fosters Milo & Lilly

Fosters Milo (front) & Lilly (back)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

10 dpo (and it looks like I'm out)

Just like my last cycle, the spotting has started already. 10 dpo and spotting. Ugh!!! This really isn't a good sign at all; I'm 99% sure that this cycle is yet another failure. I know I'm technically not out until AF shows, but I feel as though this is it. I'm cramping as well as spotting, so it seems likely that I'm not going to be pregnant this time. I used to try to convince myself that spotting could be implantation bleeding, but after all this time I'm not able to do that anymore. I mean, who am I kidding?!

Last month I also started spotting at 10 dpo and my LP ended up being 12 days, a day shorter than usual. The same thing's happening this month with the spotting, so I guess my LP might be 12 days again.

I wonder why it has to be so hard for us to have a baby. Why us? I know there are many, many more people out there who are having a way harder time conceiving than we are, so I feel insensitive writing this. I just don't get it. We're doing everything in our power to make it happen, and it never does. I've been taking vitamins since before we started trying, temping since cycle 2, taking additional B-complex vitamins since cycle 3, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed... Even my gynecologist said we've been doing everything we possibly can. So why isn't it happening? We're not bad people - we don't do drugs, we're not criminals, we're not alcoholics, we definitely wouldn't abuse our kids. Why do we have to struggle with this while so many awful people get to reproduce without so much as a second thought? I know the world isn't fair, but this feels like a kick in the teeth. Every day there are news stories about so-called parents who starved their kids to death, beat them to death, tortured them, killed them... Yet they get to have kids? Really??

We have a great marriage, a lovely home and so much love to give. If I'd known when we bought this house that we'd still not be expecting after a year of TTC, I'd never have designated a "baby room". Of course there's nothing in there really, no baby stuff at least (we use it for random things) - but it's still the baby room. And we have no baby. The way things are going, we may never have one. That room is going to haunt me and I can't bring myself to do anything with it, just in case. I mean, if we furnish it and everything and then I got pregnant, it would have been a waste of time and money. So it sits virtually empty, save for a few bits and pieces that we store in there. I honestly don't know what I'd do with the room anyway - in my mind it's supposed to be a nursery. I'm starting to hate that room because of its emptiness.

I feel as though my tests will come back really bad. We know my husband's tests were all great - better than they should be. I just know there has to be something wrong with me, it doesn't make sense otherwise. I just want to get the damn HSG done, along with the glucose test, and find out if there's any hope of us conceiving naturally. If it turns out our only option is IVF, then it's game over. I don't have my blood test results, but I assume I'll get them when I go back for my follow-up appointment. I guess if there was something drastically wrong with those, they'd have called me by now.

We badly need this little vacation we're going on. It's only 3 nights but I feel as though it will do us the world of good. I really wish it could be a week or more, but that's not possible right now due to my hubby's work schedule. It'll be so nice to get away from everything, although I guess what I need to get away from the most is my thoughts. I wish I could shut the whole TTC/infertility thing off, and not think about it at all. That would be wonderful.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

9 dpo

I'm 9 dpo today and so far my chart looks pretty good. I'm not really expecting anything to happen, but it would be so awesome if I finally got pregnant!

In a few days it'll be exactly a year since we officially started trying for a baby. If I'm not pregnant this cycle, I'll be getting my HSG and glucose testing done early in my next cycle (I'm thinking probably CD8, which should be around 6/18). I could potentially schedule the testing for 6/15 but my periods are anything from 4 to 6 days long, and if CD1 is 6/11 that might be too soon. Then it's the weekend 6/16 and 6/17, so the gynecology office is closed. I guess 6/18 would be my best bet, unless of course my period comes early (which I really hope it doesn't, because I don't want to have a LP defect!).

We're still going to the gym regularly, but I think I've maybe pulled something in my right calf because my usual workout using the 'hill' setting on the treadmill has been causing me problems the last couple of times we've been. Normally I would do an hour on that setting and burn 500 calories, but Sunday I had to quit the treadmill after 25 minutes and switch to the bike, and yesterday I had to change the program to a less intense one. I stayed on the treadmill but only burned 380 calories. It's better than nothing but I found it kind of frustrating that I couldn't do the workout I wanted to do. Oh well!