Thursday, April 26, 2012

Trying a new approach

Last night we were shopping at Target and I grabbed some Pre-Seed. It's something I've thought about trying, and it couldn't hurt. There are lots of women who swear by it, but I know that doesn't guarantee anything. It could work for us, it might not. It's worth a try, though.  :)

So, this cycle we're trying:
  • BBT charting
  • Cervix checking
  • B50 complex & prenatal vitamins
  • Mucinex
  • Pre-Seed
We're also doing the deed more often, too. Previously we've been doing the every other day thing, but I want to try more this time if we can. It's hard to know when I'm actually going to ovulate, but as long as we do it at least every other day (and more often when we want to) it'll be OK.

I started having fertile CM yesterday (CD14) so I started taking Mucinex yesterday and I'll continue until ovulation is confirmed on my chart. When we DTD from now on, we'll use Pre-Seed every time (during my fertile window).

I feel strangely positive at the moment - it's a stark contrast to how I've felt these past couple of weeks. I'm not sure exactly why I feel this way, but I do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking that the Pre-Seed will definitely do anything for us. I just feel optimistic, which is nice.  :)

My temp spiked a little this morning, but I don't think I've ovulated yet. I'd be ecstatic if I did ovulate on CD14 though - that would be a miracle for me, LOL. I'd be so happy to ovulate before CD18, but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe it will one of these times...

Monday, April 23, 2012

I have to move on

I've decided that I can't continue to dwell on my lack of pregnancy. I just can't keep on like this. I'm going to try to adopt the laid-back perspective of "if it happens, it happens". That's not to say that we won't continue to actively try; we will. I just can't focus on it so much any longer.

On one level I would like to quit charting, but I feel it would be a mistake to do so because if we do end up having to see any fertility specialists, it would surely be beneficial to be able to provide them with my charts. I also don't think I could handle the "not knowing" - whether I ovulated and if so, when; if my period is actually late or if I just ovulated late, etc. I have to keep it up because I think that stopping now would just bring even more uncertainty. I don't plan on charting forever, though. I think if nothing's happened by October (that will be 16 months of trying, and 16 months of charting - and hopefully 14 "normal" cycles because I've had 2 weird ones so far) then we will go and get checked out. If there's no problem found, then I don't know where we'll go from there. I might keep charting until it's been 2 years (that would be June 2014) and then just stop. I hope that we won't even get to the point of having to see a fertility doctor... but if we do, I hope all these charts will be useful.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Pregnancy news, but not mine of course

I just Skyped with my cousin and his wife, and they told me their news (that I already knew because our aunt told me last week). I think I did a fairly good job of concealing my feelings of sadness and I congratulated them with a smile on my face. I found it really hard when she was moaning about morning sickness, because although I'm sure it really does suck, I'd give anything to be pregnant. I'm not saying I'd love morning sickness, of course: just that I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world, and hearing pregnant women complain just kind of hurts. I know, everyone complains. She has every right to complain, I just don't want to hear it, you know? At least they didn't ask about when we're going to have a baby... I wasn't sure how to answer that one without putting some kind of damper on their announcement, you know? I guess "when the time's right" is a vague answer I could've used: it doesn't let on that we've been trying for almost a year with no success, or that I'm frustrated, sad and bitter about the whole thing. I'm still glad I didn't have to tell them anything, though.

Their baby is due October 17th, which is a couple of days after our second wedding anniversary. I can't help but wonder if I'll even be pregnant by then - if I'm not, we'll have been trying for 16 months with nothing to show for it. Damn, that's a depressing thought.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Wow, today is crappy.

Today is a crappy way in these ways:
  1. My period arrived. I knew it was coming, but it always makes for a crappy day.
  2. My dad sent me a BS email, pretty much cutting me off.
  3. I called my Aunt and she told me one of my cousins and his wife are expecting again.
With regards to #3, I feel like a bad person for being upset over that. I am happy for them, but I'm also sad for myself. I'd never let on to them that I'm sad, when I speak to my cousin of course I'll be super nice and congratulatory, but I'm hurting inside. We've been trying for 10 months now with nothing to show for it, and it feels like everyone else is popping out babies left right and center. I know that's not necessarily true, but it's the way I feel. I think my hubby must think he married a crazy woman, I just keep crying. It's a culmination of all of the above points.

With regards to #2, that's just a load of craptastic BS. The general gist of it is that I didn't hear anything from my dad regarding Skype, so I didn't get on Skype yesterday. He apparently was expecting me to be on. He emailed me this yesterday:

Hi Emily
Tried to call at the usual time - maybe you've had to go out. Email and let me know when I can Skype.

I replied (4 minutes after he sent his email) with this:

Hi Dad,

I hadn't heard from you so didn't think we were going to Skype. I'm free now if you want to chat?


Em  xxx

I got on Skype, and he didn't. He also didn't reply to my email. Whatever, right? Wrong!

This morning I checked my email and found this:

Hi Emily
I'll not Skype again. If you want to keep in touch let's just email. I hope you and (hubby) have a great life together. I'm going to get on with mine.
Lots of love

He's a narcissist. What he's trying to do with this gem of an email is get me to grovel and beg for forgiveness, for whatever I've done "wrong" to him. Which, by the way, is nothing. If he wanted to Skype, why didn't he email me beforehand rather than just assuming I'd be on there? I don't think my (very prompt) reply was rude or anything - I stated that after not hearing from him, I didn't think we were going to Skype. I added that I was free to talk if he wanted to, and I got on Skype.

He chose to ignore my email: not my problem. He chose to be a childish brat: also not my problem. His email is very passive aggressive - basically "have a great life", which is something people say when they can't stand someone. I'm not going to rise to it, I haven't replied and I won't. I'm not going to dignify that BS with a response. I know what his problem is: I've grown a spine and stopped putting up with his crap. He can't handle that, because he's a narcissist and he wants a relationship on his terms only - basically, where he can treat me like crap and I just put up with it. It's no fun for him anymore because I don't engage him, therefore he's bored. He's clearly harboring resentment for me moving over here, which he's never hidden very well. He's a narcissist, so everything is always about him. Everything is always someone else's fault and not his. If he does something wrong, he won't admit to it. If he hurts someone, he expects them to sweep it under the rug and forget all about it right away. Yet, if someone wrongs him even in a tiny way, he'll hold a grudge forever. 

I'm so fucking done with him.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Disappointment again

My temp dropped by 0.8ºF this morning. I haven't gotten my period yet, but I'm sure it's on its way.

Rationally, I knew this would probably be the outcome; I just hoped beyond hope that we'd finally done it. It obviously wasn't meant to be  :(

Monday, April 9, 2012

Very confused...

Today I'm 13 dpo, so my period is due tomorrow. However, my temp this morning went back up. This is so odd, because normally at 12 dpo it drops quite significantly. I don't really know what's going on. I'm still spotting, and it's gotten heavier, but I really don't understand my chart. It's never looked like this before at 13 dpo.

I tested this morning and it was negative, as I expected. I wouldn't have tested if my temp wasn't high, but I was curious. What am I supposed to think about this? I know some women have some spotting or bleeding and mistake it for their period when they're in fact pregnant, but what are the chances? I can't get my hopes up, because it's devastating when it turns out it was all for nothing.

I'm fairly sure that tomorrow my temp will drop dramatically and it'll all be over, but what if it doesn't? Some women don't get a BFP until a few days (or more) after their period is due. Could that happen to me? I guess. The spotting makes me pretty certain that I'm not going to be getting my BFP this time, but there's a tiny glimmer of hope with my chart looking the way it does. Hmmm...

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Looks like we failed yet again

I'm 12 dpo today and while my chart still looks good, I started spotting this morning. Needless to say, I'm not very optimistic. I usually start spotting at 11-12 dpo, and my LP is 13 days. I guess I'll be getting my period on Tuesday, then.

The longer this journey goes on, the worse it gets. I started out being super optimistic, certain that we'd probably conceive within 6 months or so. That time has been and gone. I no longer get my hopes up very much, but when it becomes apparent that we haven't been successful it hurts more every time. My expectations are a lot lower than they used to be, but the pain is a lot worse. I used to be able to shrug it off fairly easily; after all, we hadn't been trying very long. I know that compared to some people, we still haven't been trying very long - I don't mean to be insensitive to anybody who might be struggling more than we are. It's coming up a year since we started trying, though, and we still have nothing to show for it. I just didn't think it was going to be this difficult.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Possible symptom?

I'm 6 dpo today, and this morning I randomly started having pain in my underarms. The right one is way worse than the left. I've never had this before, it feels kind of strange. I actually took off my bra, which seemed to help a little (same bra I wore yesterday, no issues with it whatsoever!).

The rational part of me says: "It's too early to be having any pregnancy symptoms, don't be silly". However, one small part of me is thinking: "Why has this never happened before? It must mean something!"

I know it probably means nothing at all, though. As I was typing I got some stabbing pains in both breasts - not that painful but noticeable. I've had that before, usually in the luteal phase (progesterone does that to me, I guess!) - so I'm not reading anything into that. The underarms, though? Hmmm...

Anyway, I doubt that anything I'm experiencing now is related to pregnancy. At 6 dpo, the chances are that even if we did fertilize an egg, it wouldn't have implanted yet. I don't plan to test until at least 10 dpo, unless something really convincing happens in the meantime.