Saturday, November 26, 2011

Seriously bummed... :(

My period started today. I'm actually in shock. Today I was 9dpo, it shouldn't have started until Thursday (12/1) because my LP is always 13 days. I really don't understand what's going on. My temp was down just below coverline this morning, but I thought that maybe I slept with my mouth open or the covers kicked off. When I saw the spotting around noon, I was really surprised but thought it could maybe be implantation bleeding. I thought that at the worst, I might get my period in a couple of days. It started this evening though. I'm totally gutted, it just doesn't make any sense to me at all.

It seems to me that as time goes on, my cycles get crazier and crazier. It's so weird. My first cycle charting, I ovulated on CD22. The next cycle was anovulatory (we moved house and it was stressful). The cycle after that I ovulated on CD24, and this last cycle I ovulated on CD28. It seems to be later each time. All of my cycles where I ovulated had 13 day LPs, except this last one. I just don't know what to think now.

I'm starting to wonder if this just isn't going to happen for us. I know we've only been trying for 6 months, but at the rate things seem to be going, I dread to think what my next few cycles will bring. I was doing so well at not getting stressed with TTC during my last cycle - how can I not be stressed about this cycle, knowing that if I even ovulate, my LP might just be 8 friggin' days again which is way too short to sustain a pregnancy even if we did catch the egg.

Ugh, this whole thing sucks. I want to be pregnant so badly and I'm so scared that there's a major problem with me. I feel like such a failure because my body won't do what it's supposed to do. I know it's kind of irrational, because it's not like this is something I can really control, but I feel as though I'm failing my hubby and myself by not getting pregnant. It's not even only the "not being pregnant" thing that's bothering me - not ovulating in a timely manner and now having this ridiculously short LP is what's really bothering me right now. I know that the chance of conception with perfect timing etc. is only around 20% per cycle, but even if we did catch the egg this last time, an 8 day LP just isn't good enough for it to implant. So yeah, I feel like a failure.

I'm just a mess at the moment.

Friday, November 25, 2011

8DPO / Thanksgiving / Crochet

I'm 8DPO today and feeling OK. Yesterday my temp dropped below coverline on my chart, but it's back up again today. It could have been an "implantation dip" which is kind of a misnomer, because it doesn't mean you're pregnant. It's not really known what causes it but it can happen regardless of pregnancy. It could just be one of those things, or it could be a good sign.

I haven't had this kind of pattern on my chart before, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything either I guess. It looks OK but I don't know really. I took a test this morning, even though I knew it was most likely going to be negative (it was). I'm planning on testing again on Sunday, at 10dpo. We'll see though, I know I'm impatient and might go ahead and test again tomorrow even though it's probably a waste of a test. Just as well I have all those cheap Wondfos, huh?!?!

I really hope that this might be it. I know we haven't been trying all that long compared to a lot of people, but it feels like a long time even though it's only been 6 months since I stopped taking birth control pills. We'd be over the moon if I get pregnant, seriously. I really hope it'll happen soon, as in this cycle, LOL.

I'm actually trying not to think about it too much, which is obviously not working too well. I'm not stressing about it though, so that's something I guess. I just have to not allow myself to think about how awesome it would be to be pregnant. We were shopping yesterday and we wound up in the baby section of the store. Seeing all the adorable baby clothes and blankets etc. made me all excited, so we had to leave that area because I really don't wanna get my hopes up only to have them dashed again.


Damn, I'm so sleepy today. Yesterday was Thanksgiving of course, and we had our friends Z & O over and my BIL. It was a hectic day. I spent virtually all day Wednesday cleaning the house from top to bottom, and yesterday we had lots of cooking to do. Of course there was way too much food - we had chips and little spicy sweet sausages for snacks before dinner, and we cooked the turkey, mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole (my first ever - it was really yummy!). Our friends brought stuffed mushrooms and stuffing and BIL brought 2 pies, pecan and pumpkin. He also brought soda and our friends brought beer. We ate so much last night but this morning I was still really hungry and had to eat pretty much right away when I got up. I really don't think today is going to be very productive, honestly.

I've been doing some crochet, I started on Monday and made 2 little owls. I made another 2 on Tuesday so now there are 4. I was thinking of sending them as Christmas gifts, since they're small and light and therefore shouldn't be too expensive to send to the UK. I think I'm gonna send them to 6 or 7 people, so I planned on making 12 and then I'll have lots to choose from. Originally I was going to try to make 12 by the end of this week but I don't think that's going to happen now. I might make one later, and maybe a few over the weekend depending on what we end up doing. Here are the 4 I've made so far - I made the green one first, then the multi-colored one, then the red one and finally the blue one.

They're small, maybe about 3 inches tall (the red one is probably 2 inches, it's quite a lot smaller than the others, but they're all different anyway). I didn't use a pattern (I'm useless at interpreting patterns) so they're just kind of made as I go along. They're all basically the same idea, just slightly different in size etc. I have 11 different yarns so I can make loads of different color combinations. It's been fun, I've been meaning to get back into crochet for ages but never got around to it. I'm glad I started up again, it's a nice little hobby :-)

Monday, November 21, 2011

4DPO :)

Well, I now have a chart that looks how it should - no longer does it say ovulation was on CD14! I actually changed the tuning from 'advanced' to 'FAM' which is what a lot of women recommend doing, and it changed the O date from CD14 to CD28 which is when I thought I ovulated. Yay!

So now I'm 4DPO and I definitely feel as though I ovulated - gassy and bloated as I always am post-ovulation. My period will be due on my birthday, which kinda sucks! If we're successful this cycle though, I could be getting the best birthday present ever - my BFP! I'd love for that to happen, it would be totally awesome! I know logically though that I'm more likely to get my period than my BFP, just as with every other cycle.

I'm trying to stay positive and hope for the best, but I don't like that I ovulated so late in my cycle. I know it's possible to conceive when you ovulate late, but I feel as though it's maybe less likely. I mean, doesn't it become harder for the fertilized egg to implant because the endometrial lining gets thicker and thicker as time goes on? But, I have read about one woman who ovulated on CD52 and got pregnant, had a healthy pregnancy and now has a healthy baby. So it's definitely not impossible! I think if I keep ovulating really late, I'll go see an OBGYN. I mean, it's good that I am ovulating, but if late ovulation is not likely to result in pregnancy, I may need some help getting pregnant. Maybe Clomid or something to make me ovulate earlier, I don't know. I also know it hasn't been all that long since I came off birth control pills - it's exactly 6 months today since I took my last one, actually - so maybe my body is still trying to regulate itself and I just need to give it more time.

I'd be so happy to have regular 28 day cycles. Or even 32 day cycles! This one will be 41 days I think, because I ovulated on CD28 and have a 13 day LP (unless that changes this time). If I could just ovulate by CD17, I could have 30 day cycles and it would be so much easier than these long cycles. Yes, it means more periods, but it also means more chances to conceive. My cycles so far have been 35, 35, 42, 37 days and now this one should be 41 days. That's only 5 cycles in 190 days - it gives me an average cycle length of 38 days. If that keeps up, I'll have less than 10 chances to conceive in a year, whereas people with 28 day cycles have about 13. It may not seem like a big difference, but when you're TTC it feels like a huge thing!

Anyway, I need to go walk the dogs. They're all fast asleep in their lovely beds right now, we bought a big dog bed yesterday and our foster pug Cheko is sleeping right in the middle of it. Our girls Suzie & Gracie are snuggled together in one of the other beds - they usually squish together even though there's another perfectly good bed right there! Too cute :)

Friday, November 18, 2011


So I was really down about this cycle. Then this morning my temp shot up by 0.7ºF and when I updated my charts, FF decided that I ovulated 15 days ago on CD14. Huh. I disagree, I'm pretty sure it'll change its mind tomorrow! If I have ovulated, it must have been yesterday, surely? FF did this to me last cycle too, decided randomly on CD25 that I'd ovulated on CD11. Yeah. Well, no, I ovulated on CD24 actually. This must be another one of those instances, I guess.

However, if it's right and I did ovulate on CD14, then I could be pregnant. I'm not going to let myself contemplate that though, because I really don't think it's got it right this time. Last cycle I took a test when it decided I was 14DPO but of course it was negative, because I actually was only 1DPO. That's not gonna happen again this time! Hopefully in a couple of days my chart will say I ovulated on CD28 as I think I did. If my temp stays up there, then it's pretty obvious isn't it? If it's a one-off high temp, then I guess it's a fluke.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Another crappy cycle :(

Right now it's CD27 and I haven't ovulated. There were a few times when it looked like I might ovulate, but it never actually happened. I was actually quite optimistic for this cycle - I wasn't stressing about TTC, we were DTD pretty much every other day and just going with the flow really.

On another note, we're now fostering a pug for pug rescue. He's such a sweetie. He marks in the house occasionally but other than that, he's lovely. It'll be hard to let him go but we're taking him to adoption events and I hope he gets adopted. We went to one on Saturday and a few people really liked him but weren't in a position to adopt. There's another one this Saturday so maybe he'll find his forever home then. I just hope he doesn't get too attached to us, I wish there was some way to make him realize this is only his temporary home, you know? It'll all be OK. Once he gets adopted, I'm sure it won't be long before we get another foster to keep us busy. :)

Anyway, I don't know for sure but I think my lack of ovulation could be due to other stress. I've been having some problems with my dad, he's visiting from 12/23 to 1/3 and he's being an idiot for the most part.

It started in September, when he decided he was coming. This will sound bad, but when I got the email asking if he could visit for Christmas, my heart sank. The reason for that is:

1) He visited last year and was a complete pain in the ass
2) He's a terrible house guest
3) It's our first Christmas in our new house (and if my body would do its job and damn well ovulate, it could be our last Christmas without a baby - not that having a baby would be a bad thing, of course, but it could be our last Christmas as just "us")

Well, as soon as his trip was booked he started making demands of me. He demanded that I get my driver's license (I have my permit but haven't been having regular lessons since around May/June time). The reason he wants me to get my license? So I can drive him everywhere, because he "can't afford" to hire a car. Well, that's definitely not true - he could hire a car if he wanted to. I say this because he booked more expensive seats on the plane than he needed to (about $300 more than coach would've cost) and now he's also booked 1st class train tickets to get to the airport (about another $150 extra than standard class would've cost). Now normally I would say that his finances are none of my business, but when he's constantly going on about how much money he's spent on this and that, and then in the same breath telling me how "skint" he is, I think he's making it my business.

I should probably add here that the reason I don't have my license yet is that hubby's car is a stick shift and I really get nervous driving because I'm always worried about stalling. Whenever I do stall I get really flustered and I hate it, honestly. I think if we had an automatic like 99% of Americans, I'd be much better and would have my license already. I didn't really need to drive in England because the place is a whole lot smaller than America, LOL. Public transport wasn't too bad for the most part and the city I lived in wasn't as big as the one I live in now. Here it's another story, you really do need a car. So, yes, I'm a weirdo for not having my license but that's why. Once I realized I would be moving here I chose not to get my UK license because I think it would've been so weird to be used to driving on the left hand side of the road, and it would've been more confusing than just learning here.

Anyway, this latest example of my dad being "skint" is nothing new. We used to meet up for lunch once a week and take it in turns to pay. One time, it was his turn to pay and halfway through lunch he asked if we could split it or if I could pay (I think it was the former, I don't remember) because he was skint. Then, right after, he went and bought a suit that he didn't need! Right in front of me, of course. OMG. That was infuriating. It seems he's only "skint" when it suits him. Never mind the fact that at the time I was actually skint, getting debts paid off before moving to the US. And he earned a lot more than I did. Yeah.

While being skint, he's also spending upwards of $18,000 converting his garage into another living room. And now he says he's going to buy a leather jacket for his trip here. Knowing him, he'll spend around $300 on that. Oh, and he has a good few leather jackets already. *sigh*

He's repeatedly told me that while he's here we won't be able to eat out much, because he's skint. Hubby and I aren't actually bothered about eating out, we do so occasionally and it's a treat, not an every night thing. We cook the vast majority of the time and that's fine. However, my dad will not eat chicken. He's not allergic to it, he just won't eat it because he doesn't like the way chickens are kept. I get that, but he even said he probably wouldn't eat free range chicken either! Yet he has no problem eating any other meat. Hmmm. I asked if he would eat turkey - his response: "I suppose if it's free range turkey then yes, I could eat it". Well, dude, you're going to be here for Christmas and we're having turkey (most likely). If someone was coming to stay who had an allergy to certain foods, we wouldn't mind accommodating them. Or, if it was a religious thing and they couldn't eat certain things, then OK. But he's just being picky for the hell of it and that really pisses me off! He's trying to dictate what we buy and as a guest he should just be grateful for what we provide, right? I'd never dream of going to someone's home and demanding anything.

The very latest issue I have with him is that since he's traveling on the train now rather than getting a ride with my stepmom to the airport, he can't possibly bring a suitcase. Oh no, that's completely unreasonable apparently. So he's bringing carry-on only. For 11 days. Yes, 11 days. WTF?! When he told me this (I was half expecting it because I know what he's like) I asked that he at least bring more clothes than he did last time. He flew off the handle. Yes, because I would like him to bring enough clothes so that I don't have to be doing his laundry constantly. Gosh, how awful of me! Last year, he brought a big suitcase but hardly any clothes. I couldn't believe it - I even asked him who packed it! Honestly, he had 2 or 3 pairs of jeans, 2 or 3 shirts, 2 or 3 sweaters and maybe a few pairs of socks and underwear. His trip was 10 days. Every day he would ask if I was doing washing, even when I did a load of washing the day before! It was infuriating. Now, don't get me wrong, yes we have a washer and dryer and I don't have a problem doing someone's laundry. But every damn day? Seriously?! Unbelievable. Then, when I was doing washing, I'd tell him and ask for his stuff that needed washing, and half an hour later I would still be waiting for those items. I'd have to ask 2 or 3 times for them, when I wanted to just get on with the damn laundry. That's just stupid, right?
So yeah, when I asked him to bring more clothes than last time he got really pissy with me, telling me how ridiculous I am and making snide remarks. He even said that since I only see him once a year I should do his washing every day with no problem. Then he started saying sarcastically that he would give us the money it costs to run the washer. I had to get blunt with him and say, "We live in the friggin' desert. It's completely wasteful to run the washer every damn day when there's no real need to! It's not about the bloody money!"

The next few emails I got from him all contained a passive aggressive statement about laundry. The last one was simply this: "Maybe you can find out how to use the washing machine before I arrive. Ha ha." I didn't respond to that bullshit. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, honestly. What a dick!

Oh and because he's not bringing a suitcase, apparently I have to buy him all the toiletries he needs. That'll be shaving gel, razors, toothpaste and goodness knows what else. I don't want to sound like a tight-ass, but when I said he could use my hubby's shaving gel (we have 2 cans of the stuff!) he said he didn't want to use his. Seriously? So I have to go out and buy more, just for his 11 day trip? Huh. Great!

The last time he was here, I showed him where everything was in the kitchen and told him to help himself. He spent the majority of the time sitting on his ass demanding cups of tea constantly. He wouldn't even get himself a glass of water. I remember one time, I was cleaning the bathroom and he started shouting to me that our dog needed to go outside. He was right there, by the door, but wouldn't let her out because he was too busy sitting on his ass. When I shouted back "Can you let her out then?" his response was "I don't know how to work the door". For goodness sake! It's hardly complicated, it's a sliding patio door. Never mind the fact that he hadn't even attempted to do it...

He left snotty tissues all over the coffee table, which is frankly disgusting. I asked multiple times that he stop doing that, because our dog would try and get them, but he still did it. He left dirty socks on the couch. When I asked him to put his dirty clothes away he actually said he didn't know where to put them. Um, how about in your suitcase in a plastic bag? Is that really so hard to do? We're talking about someone in his 50s here, FFS!

One day he left a coffee cup in the bathroom. Why it was in the bathroom to begin with, I have no idea. He somehow managed to dirty-up the entire length of the bathroom mirror in literally 2 days - to the point where it was worse than it would've been if I'd left it 3 months without cleaning it! Unbelievable!

He wanted to eat out virtually every night, but the one night we stayed in and cooked for him he couldn't bring himself to thank me for the meal. Hubby and I both cooked it, but I did about two thirds of the cooking. My dad saw us both cooking. He said "Thank you _(husband)_ for cooking for me" - I said, "We both cooked actually," and he just gave me this stupid look. We went for a meal with my in-laws and he told them how my hubby had cooked for him. I corrected him again and his response was, "Well you never used to cook!" Oh right, so just because I didn't cook when I was younger means you can't acknowledge a meal I cooked for you now? Because I really don't get that "logic" whatsoever. It's just another example of him being rude.

The other thing he did while he was here was criticize virtually everything about my life. He would go on and on about how bored I must be not having a job (at that time, I legally couldn't work because I was waiting for my employment authorization from USCIS). When I pointed that out, he would get all stupid and ask me things like "Well how can you not be bored?!" (um, hello, I'm living on a different continent, it's not exactly boring! Besides, I knew I wouldn't be able to work for at least a few months after arriving, because that's how the system works with the visa I came on! No point getting my knickers in a twist about it when I had plenty of time to prepare myself mentally, right?!).
He would start arguments over the most ridiculous stuff, and he basically just wore away any good will I had. I try to be a good hostess when people visit, I really do. When you have someone like that staying with you, though, they wear you down. As a guest in someone's home, I would never dream of creating more work for them. I'd tidy up after myself and not burden them with things. I'd certainly never criticize the people I'm visiting or their lifestyles!
The breaking point for me was when he accused me of making no effort. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back, seriously. This came after I had:

1) Rented him DVDs that I'd already seen or had no interest in seeing, because he wanted to watch them (and would then fall asleep watching them)
2) Given him loads of ideas of places we could go (to which most were met with "not really interested" - give me something to work with! I told him it was his vacation, so he needed to give me some idea of what he wanted to do so I could find things he's interested in!)
3) Made him countless cups of tea
4) Waited in Starbucks for over an hour while he had a massage
5) Cleaned up after him constantly
6) Taken endless criticism from him
7) Done his damn laundry because he couldn't be bothered to bring anywhere near enough clothes for his trip
8) Let him make phone calls to the UK and also use my laptop
9) Listened to him trying to guilt me because I moved here

Yeah, no effort on my part whatsoever, right?! =/

So, it's needless to say I'm not exactly looking forward to his trip this time. I have a feeling he's going to completely ruin Christmas and New Year for us, and just generally be an ass like last time. He's most likely never going to change, I get that. Well, if he acts like a dick this time, I don't think we'll have him to stay here again. I don't care that we have a 4 bedroom house now, I don't want anyone staying here if they can't at least try to be good house guests. I don't expect people to be perfect, by any means - nobody is! But I do expect some courtesy from someone who's staying in our home. I don't want to be anyone's maid. I'm not going to made to feel like crap in my own home. My hubby's even said that if my dad talks to me like he did last time, he's going to have something to say about it. If my dad really wants to be a dick, then he can go stay in a hotel. I don't want it to come to that, but come on dude!

Ugh, I have to talk to him on Skype later today. I'm so not looking forward to it. It seems as though every week he springs something else on me, which pisses me off even more. I wonder what it'll be this time...

Hubby's 30th birthday cake

It's been such a long time since I wrote here. I've been writing a lot, but not on the blog, just for myself.

Anyway, here's the red velvet cake I made for my hubby's birthday. It turned out pretty well for a first attempt :)