Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Gym induction... demoralizing.

We had our gym induction yesterday. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but I wasn't expecting to be made to feel like a piece of crap either. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and get fit. I get that. That's why I'm eating healthier and going to the gym. Just because the last time I went to the gym I only went for like 3 months, doesn't mean I won't keep it up this time. FYI, the reason I stopped going last time was because I was in the process of getting my visa to move to the US, so I had a lot of other stuff going on.

The guy wasn't 100% awful or anything, but he said a few things that really irked me. He asked how many meals we eat every day and I said 2-3, because sometimes I don't have a "proper" breakfast or lunch. He made some comment about "well I don't know what you're eating" in a kind of condescending tone - he may as well have just said "well obviously all you do is eat junk food 24/7". I'm really trying to eat healthier, and I've been doing well. I don't need that kind of attitude. At least I'm actually trying to be fitter. He also said that I need a personal trainer because with my track record I won't manage on my own. This was after I said I don't want a personal trainer, I want to do my own thing. I really don't want a personal trainer, but even if I did I don't know if I could afford it. Honestly, I like going to the gym and working out the way I want to. OK so it might not be the absolute most effective way, but I'm not a pro-athlete! If I want to go on the treadmill walking at a fast pace on an incline for an hour, then so be it. Isn't that a whole lot better than sitting at home doing nothing? I burned 715 calories doing that on Sunday: that can't be a bad thing!

I felt a lot better about myself before the damn induction, anyway. I wish I'd just skipped it and done a workout instead of sitting there for an hour feeling worse and worse.

I know that for a stranger's words to have such an impact on me, it probably means I have self-esteem issues. As far as my weight goes, I am very self-conscious about it. I just don't see how making someone feel like shit is the way to go. I mean, I felt more motivated before the induction than I do now. I'm not letting that one guy put me off - I need to go to the gym and make these changes, so I will. It's just quite demoralizing when someone basically has no faith whatsoever in you and tells you you're not going to achieve your goals without help from someone else. I will, thank you very much. How about actually trying to encourage people, rather than put them down?

I'm not morbidly obese, by the way. My BMI is a lot higher than I'd like it to be (about 32). I weighed in at 212 on Saturday, but I was on my period and likely had some water retention going on. I'm usually about 209, which isn't great but I'm 5 ft 8" so I'm not absolutely huge. Anyway, that's why I'm making these lifestyle changes - I want to get fit again. I'd like to lose about 50 pounds, if I can.

After yesterday, I kind of wish my hubby didn't want me to go to his appointment with him. I've never met this doctor and I feel as though he's going to take one look at me and blame all our fertility issues on me. I hate going to the doctor in the first place, so the last thing I need is for them to fob us off today. I printed all my charts and made some lists of things we've tried and when, and cycle lists (dates, O day, LP, duration). I don't know if the doctor will look at them or not, but I'll have them just in case. We'll see, anyway.

The thought crossed my mind last night that maybe we should forget TTC until I've lost as much weight as I can. That would be for at least 6 months, maybe longer. I'd only be 29 then, but I still want to have a baby as soon as possible. We've been trying for virtually a year now, I don't know if I can just quit like that. I do wonder if it would be a good idea, though. Maybe we should take some kind of break because it's starting to drive me crazy. I hate being in this funk, I think about it way too much and it gets me down all the time. I really don't know what to do for the best.

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