I'm back, after less than a week away from blogging. I was planning to take a longer break, but this is a good place to air my frustrations!
At this point I really do feel like taking a break from TTC. The only trouble with that is that I'm getting my HSG and glucose testing done on Monday (6/18) and it seems like a silly time to take a break because of that. I mean, I guess I could be one of the lucky ones who conceives shortly after the HSG. I'm not really expecting the HSG to make me super fertile or anything, but I have read that for the 3 months following a HSG you can have increased fertility. I suppose that all depends on whether there's any kind of blockage in the first place, but I'd feel like such an idiot if I took a break right now, when it could be a good time for us to finally get that elusive BFP.
When I called the gynecology office to schedule my HSG and glucose
testing, it was a disaster. Let me start off by saying that I know the
receptionist isn't medically trained, and I don't expect them to know
everything. Well, we discussed the HSG and I asked about whether I
should take painkillers beforehand - due to the glucose testing I have
to fast so probably couldn't take any painkillers, so I wanted to check
that they don't make you take anything because I'll have an empty
stomach. So I got that scheduled. Then I asked how long I have to fast
before the glucose testing, and she asked "How far along are you?"
Bearing in mind I'd literally just scheduled the HSG, I couldn't
quite believe my ears. I said, "I'm having the HSG done because I'm
having trouble getting pregnant - so I'm not pregnant!" (as I said, I
know the front desk staff aren't medically trained, but I don't think
it's unreasonable to expect them to know a tiny bit about common
procedures they schedule often - and to know that a HSG isn't something
you get when you're pregnant!).
I then asked some more questions about the HSG and was sure to very clearly say HSG
a few more times, because I was wondering if she'd even scheduled me
for the right thing. I suspect this is the same girl who tried to make
me sign a consent form for banking my baby's cord blood when I went for
my pap smear. I laughed it off and said "I'm not pregnant, so it's
irrelevant". Now don't get me wrong, I know that a lot of women who
visit the OBGYN's office are obviously going to be pregnant. But they
must have other patients in similar situations to me - I can't be the
only one who's not pregnant! It stings when people make assumptions like
that. Also, that day I ended up sitting across from a pregnant 15 year
old (well, she looked 15 anyway - I suppose she could have been 16,
LOL). This is why I want to get both tests done in the same visit - I
can't stand to sit there multiple times with a bunch of pregnant women
(or worse, pregnant teens). I know I'll have to go back again after
Monday, but I'm trying to make as few trips as possible.
I've been struggling a lot with it being a year since we started trying. I remember how upset I was when it had been 9 months - I think mainly because I realized that if I had been one of those incredibly lucky women who get pregnant right away, we'd be having a baby at that time. At the 9 month mark it was hard, but I knew we had a few months before hitting the dreaded one year mark. I think I had it in my mind that surely we'd waited long enough, and it was bound to happen before we got to be labelled infertile. Of course that didn't happen, and now I just feel so depressed. I haven't done anything around the house - the dishes keep piling up, and I have the time but don't do anything. Don't get me wrong, our house isn't filthy or anything, but it could use basic cleaning. I can't even motivate myself to do that, because I feel trapped in this infertility bubble. I wish I could stop thinking about it, but this never leaves me. Everywhere I go, it seems as though everyone is pregnant. I hate shopping these days, especially at stores like Target that have huge baby sections. It's not like I can forget that we don't have a baby, but it kind of hurts to see all that stuff that I used to think we'd surely be needing soon.
Back when we first started trying, we used to talk about baby names and nursery ideas all the time. I used to look at baby stuff in stores a lot, to get ideas about what I wanted for our baby. I made the stupid mistake of buying a few small items - blankets, a couple of onesies, a toy to attach to a stroller or car seat. Needless to say, those have all been shoved to the back of the closet. We haven't discussed baby names in forever. I made a list somewhere on my laptop which I can't bear to look at, because who knows if we'll ever have a baby to name? It sounds dramatic to say that, but after a year of trying - and knowing I was ovulating, and timing sex well - it seems as though something is horribly wrong and I have to prepare myself as best as I can for not being a mom. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, and I really don't know who I'm supposed to be if that won't happen. I don't know how I'd ever get over it if it turns out that we're not able to have a baby.
It's one thing to be child-free by choice, but we would never choose that lifestyle. We both really want to have kids, even though we're fully aware it's not always awesome to be parents. My brain tells me that there are probably good reasons to not have children - financially it's easier without kids, obviously; it's easier to be spontaneous without kids, of course; we'd get a lot more "us" time without kids. My heart doesn't care about any of the supposed "plus" points to being child-free, though: nothing will make me stop wanting to have children, it's part of who I am and I can't switch it off.
After keeping this struggle to myself for a long time, I recently opened up to a few people. I feel as though it was the biggest mistake ever, because of the people I confided in, I only got 1 truly helpful reaction. I told my cousin because he and his wife are expecting their second baby, (right around our wedding anniversary, which for some reason hurts me more - irrational, I know) and I had to say something because I can't handle talking to him and his wife right now. She complains about pregnancy, and I can't deal with that. Anyway in his email back to me he said they know exactly how we feel, because they had some testing done before they had their first kid. The thing is, his wife told me herself that they didn't wait long before getting the testing done because she has PCOS, so they didn't try for a year with no success. She was prescribed Clomid but never had to take it because she found out she was pregnant before she could start it. And now they're more than half-way through their second pregnancy, and their first kid only recently turned 2. They might think they understand, but I really don't buy it. We might never have a baby, and they'll have 2 kids in 4 months time.
I told my mom this week and that was a total waste of time. I admit I snapped at her. because she said "Did you know *cousin and wife* are having another baby?" - well, since I was the person who told her 2 months ago, yes I do know. I snapped, "Yes, it was me who told you, and I'm sick of hearing about their baby. We've been trying for a year now, so..."
Her response? "Relax! Stressing about it won't help". [Gee, thanks mom, that's so helpful...] Then that was the end of that, and we talked about other stuff for the rest of the call. It took all I had not to hang up the phone, because being told to relax is just a kick in the teeth. At the end of the call she said "Well I'm glad everything is going so well for you both" - is it really? That's news to me. I mean, yeah, we have a good marriage. But everything isn't going well at all. Everything to me is this infertility crap, and that's definitely not going well. I guess I know I can't confide in her, then. It sucks because if you can't talk to your own mom, then who can you talk to? I feel so let down, it took a lot for me to say anything and I've been wanting to tell her for months but never got the courage to do so. I know that nothing she says would change the situation, but even if she said something like "I'm sorry you're having trouble, I hope you get some answers soon" that would've been a million times better than "relax!"
Last week one of my "friends" was offloading on me for like the billionth time. She's one of these people who always has big problems, and always sends me huge messages on Facebook (and I mean huge - they're like freaking essays!) about how awful everything is. I try to be sympathetic, but it dawned on me that she's never once been there for me whenever I've had a problem, and honestly at the moment I don't have the emotional energy to deal with her issues. Most of her issues stem from the fact that her husband cheats on her and ends up frequently going to jail for god knows what. She's left him before and always ends up going back. It gets exhausting trying to be there for someone when that's their situation - it's like she won't help herself. I know that it's hard for her, but seriously she's never once been there for me. True friends are there for each other, right? So, I thought I should give her a chance to be there for me and I told her a bit about what we're going through. Well, I shouldn't have bothered. She told me that we should have sex during my period because that's how she got pregnant. Um, OK, that might have worked for her but since the earliest I've ever ovulated is CD17, that's not going to work for me! I told her as much but she insisted that it would. Whatever. She said if it works then we have to name the baby
after her if it's a girl. Yeah, right...
Then she told me that me and my hubby are the "perfect couple" so we can't be infertile. Really now? If that's how things work, then how do people get pregnant from casual meaningless relationships or one night stands? Damn. Then she proceeded to tell me all about her amazing pregnancies and even her labor and delivery stories. I have no idea why she thought that was helping - I mean, that's definitely not what someone struggling with infertility needs to hear! She kept going on and on about it, and it just felt like she was rubbing salt in the wound. I know that fertile people don't really get it, but I thought about all the times I've been there for her when she's been in situations I haven't been in - like when she lost her house, when her husband cheated, etc. I still offered her support. I didn't rub it in and tell her how awesome my husband is, or how great our house is, you know? Is it really too much to expect a little empathy? If I can put myself in her shoes and be sensitive about her situations, why can't she do the same for me?
One of my good friends from my home country knows, and tries to be supportive. The trouble is, she's one of those people who really thinks that thinking positive makes things happen. Sorry, but I don't subscribe to that! It's never worked for me in any situation, especially not this one.
The only person I've reached out to in real life who really "gets" it is someone who volunteers with the same organization I do. She and her husband were unable to have kids because she was told that due to her blood pressure issues, getting pregnant would kill her. It's really sad, they would've been awesome parents. I don't like to burden her with my issues though, because she knows for a fact that she'll never have kids and it's not so cut and dry for us yet.
I'm not worried about the actual tests I'm having done, but I'm really scared that the results will be awful. I have this (possibly irrational) fear that my tubes will be blocked beyond repair - and the only "solution" available to us will be IVF. That's not at all available to us because it would have to be paid for 100% out of pocket, since our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. We're lucky that it does cover the testing and corrective surgery if needed, but it won't cover IVF at all and it's not something we can afford (especially since it usually takes 3 attempts to actually get pregnant - it could end up being $60,000 or more).
Anyway, that's my vent for the day! If you made it to the end then you definitely deserve a gold star (or brownie, or a glass of wine).