Monday, July 16, 2012

One year, one month and one week.

My period arrived about half-way through the pug rescue event I was running yesterday. I was prepared for it (my temp dropped by 0.5 yesterday). My LP was 12 days this time; usually it's 13, but it's been 12 the last couple of months. My OB wasn't worried about it when I asked, she said it was fine.

My pug rescue event went well in spite of everything. Apparently I'm good at putting on a brave face when I need to; I'm sure nobody knew there was anything wrong. In private I'm not always so well composed, but that doesn't count, right?! I had a little meltdown on Friday night, because I just knew my period was going to come yet again. I'd been so positive for that cycle, and it really hurt when it didn't result in a BFP. I guess I pinned all my hopes on the HSG miraculously making me super fertile, or something like that. Ridiculous, I know.

I think if I'm not pregnant in the next few months, we'll probably be taking a little break from TTC. If we do, we won't prevent pregnancy (ha! Like we need to anyway!) but I'll maybe take some time off from charting and just see what happens. I'm a bit of a control freak so I'm not sure I could stop - I like knowing what's going on, at least to some extent! Maybe I should try it for a cycle or two, though.

I've been thinking about emailing my cousin, the one whose wife is pregnant with baby #2. The one who claims to understand exactly what we're going through, because they tried for a few months for their first. The one who gave me the oh-so-useful advice, "relax!". I feel as though I should check in with them and ask how everything's going, but I can't bring myself to ask. I wish them well with the baby, of course, but now that they know a little of our struggles I'm finding it really awkward to contact them. I don't know what to say. I don't want their pity, and I definitely don't want to hear that all I need to do is relax. It's going to be like the elephant in the room - I don't want to talk about it, they know we're TTC, they're understandably excited about their new addition... and their happy updates cut me like a knife. What do I even have to tell them? I can tell them about my new role in the pug rescue, which I'm really excited about, but it just seems so lame compared to their baby news. He was on Skype this morning when I was talking to a friend, and I was so glad when he logged off without saying anything to me. I may not be very long into my infertility journey, but it's already changed so much in my life. I used to hope we'd get to talk, and now I tend to hope we won't. Their baby is due 2 days after our wedding anniversary; is it awful of me to hope it's not born on our anniversary? I know it shouldn't matter at all, but the fact that it might be just makes me so sad. If we weren't TTC, it wouldn't bother me in the least.

One year, one month, one week - that's how long my TTC ticker informs me we've been trying. I know that's not very long compared to many couples, but it feels like an eternity. Occasionally I torture myself by reading the "getting pregnant" forum, and I see women posting "I finally got my BFP after 3 whole months of trying!". Finally, because taking 3 months to get pregnant is clearly completely abnormal in their world! I wish that was my world, too. I wish I didn't know what it is to have to actively try, and fail, to conceive.

I hate that we had all the testing done and still have no answers. We're doing everything right, even my OB said so - shouldn't I at least have gotten pregnant once in this time, then? Even if it was a chemical pregnancy, or just not a viable pregnancy - shouldn't something have happened? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have a CP or a MC. I do want to know I can get pregnant, though. I guess I'm just disillusioned with it all.


  1. I'm glad your Pug event went good, sorry AF came to the event.... Wish she could have stayed home fore the next 9 months.
    Hang in there...
    And as for the empathetic mother of soon to be baby... well she has no idea...and you don't have to call her, if she knew really how hard this was she never would have said "I understand" - because when you say to someone how long have you been trying and it's over 6 months, you are officially okay in my IF book... anything under that unless you are seriously ill or had loss, you are not really on par with my situation. Although i have been "trying" for 3 years this fall.... You my Dear are just as deserving of a child as I am, you have really been trying...and 1 year - 1 Month and 1 days is too long to wait and so is 2 years 8 months and 2 days... Don't let then tell you you are comparable - you are amazingly strong and you can do this, RELAX, please slap her next time she says that, you have my permission...We were relaxed, got us no where... Sorry for the rant, But don't let that person get to you...
    xo Pug Mumas for life!

    1. It's my cousin who said all that about how they "completely understand" (my cousin is a guy). But she probably thinks she really does understand... ugh! I don't begrudge them their happiness, but someone who has a healthy 2 year old and another baby due in 2 months doesn't know how it feels to not know if you'll ever have a baby. A few months of trying - I'd have given anything for that to be us. I wouldn't wish IF on anybody, but after all the years of preventing pregnancy I really didn't think it would be this difficult to get pregnant! I always thought it was so important to be super responsible with birth control, and now I'm wondering if I ever really needed it at all.
      Thanks for the support, it really helps! I wish none of us had to be in this situation at all. xoxo

    2. By "she" I mean my cousin's wife. I guess at least it's easy to avoid someone when you're on a different continent!