Stupid chart!

It seems as though yesterday's temp spike was a fluke. I thought it was odd, and today's temp was down again so I'm pretty sure I should just discard yesterday's temp. I think I'll wait and see what happens in the next few days, but it certainly looks off to me! It's weird because I took my temp at the exact same time as usual, the A/C was set the same as usual, we had the same sheet on the bed, I wore the same nightshirt, I slept plenty before temping (and slept well), and I didn't have any alcohol. Oh well!

I'm not sure whether to take Mucinex this cycle or just skip it this time. I've been taking it every cycle since February, and while I'm sure it's not going to do any harm I am wondering if there's any real point in me taking it. I'm also wondering about whether to continue using Pre-Seed... Maybe we should just try "naturally" and see what happens.

My hubby will call the insurance company later today and hopefully resolve the issue of them denying my claims. Everything I've had done should be covered, so they're not getting out of paying!

We went to the gym yesterday, and Sunday too. We're getting back in the habit of going 3-4 times a week (we became slack after our vacation!). We'll go again tomorrow and then probably Saturday and possibly Sunday as well. I like going on the weekend, it's nice and quiet! I always feel better after working out, even if I really didn't want to go to the gym beforehand. Yesterday was one of those days when I didn't feel like going, but I'm so glad we did.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what treatments we might be willing to do if we're unable to conceive naturally. I've mentioned before that my gynecologist said she would prescribe 3 months of Clomid if I wanted her to, but I'm reluctant to take it at this point in time. I'm worried about it messing up my subsequent cycles, if it doesn't work. I'm also not sure if my gynecologist would monitor me on it, and I know it's probably safe but I'd rather be monitored if I was taking something like that. I read somewhere that you can only take Clomid 12 times in your life, so to do 3 cycles unmonitored seems unwise to me. That's just my opinion, though. It's just that, unmonitored, how do they know if you're responding to it, or if you need a higher (or lower) dose? I'm not saying I'd never take Clomid, I just don't think this is the right time to take it.

We really want a baby, but I can't see us ever doing IVF to have one. It's just so expensive and I don't think I could go through that when the outcome isn't even close to guaranteed. I know many couples will do anything and everything to have a baby, and I'm not knocking them at all, but I don't think we will do that. The more I think about it, the more I feel that we should just see what happens.

The trouble with unexplained infertility is that there are no answers. It's frustrating. We don't have a reason to stop TTC, because technically there's nothing wrong with us and we should be able to conceive. I don't know how long we should keep trying, because every cycle has the potential to be "the one". I don't think I can keep doing this forever, though. If another year passes and we still haven't conceived, then I don't know if I can keep going through this cycle of ups and downs. Right now I'm feeling kind of positive: this cycle is a fresh chance and I'm waiting to ovulate. If nothing happens this time there will be the heartache of another failed cycle, and then there will be a sense of renewed hope next cycle. It's never-ending.

I know I probably sound really depressed at the moment, but I'm actually not. I feel like I'm regaining control of my life, and facing up to the reality that maybe we won't have children. I'm not happy about that prospect, of course, but maybe this is what's meant to be, for some reason or another. Even as I write this, however, there's a little part of me that thinks this cycle could be it! I guess that I can tell myself it's OK all I want, but deep down I hope it doesn't have to be this way.

Exactly 11 months of TTC: thinking about possible options.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but I'm pretty convinced that this cycle is a bust like all the rest. Today is 11 dpo and I started spotting yesterday. I got a BFN when I tested yesterday. I didn't test today as the spotting is still there and it seemed like a waste of a test. My period is due Saturday (5/12) if my LP is its usual 13 days, so it won't be long now. I have a feeling my LP might end up being shorter this time because the spotting started earlier than usual. Normally it starts at 11 or 12 dpo, but it started at 10 dpo this time. My chart still looks OK, I guess, but the spotting is a pretty good indicator that we haven't been successful.

I'm going to be honest and say that yesterday was a terrible day for me. I just felt so low about the whole thing. I snapped at my hubby and then cried my eyes out. I really don't like what this process is doing to me, sometimes I can be such a bitch. I just feel like a total failure and this whole thing just hurts so much. For as long as I can remember I've wanted so much to be a mommy, and when we started our TTC journey I never imagined that at this point I wouldn't be pregnant. We know when I ovulate and we time things well every single cycle. I can't help but think there's something wrong, you know? I'm 28 and my hubby is 30. We don't have any medical issues as far as we know. We don't smoke, we hardly ever drink (we might have a couple of glasses of wine right at the beginning of my cycle when I don't temp, but that's it). I've been taking Mucinex for a few months around my fertile time to improve my cervical mucus and we started using Pre-Seed this cycle. We're going to join a gym today and we'll aim to go 3 times a week. Other than that I don't know what else we can really do to improve our chances.

Anyway, my hubby has made an appointment with his doctor for next week to get a referral for a semen analysis. It seems like the obvious thing to do, since it's non-invasive. I'll obviously need to get tested too, but at least if we know there are no sperm issues that's a start. Of course the SA could come back with bad results, but if that's the case we'd be better off knowing. If he's sterile (which I doubt, but who knows right?) then I can stop this crazy cycle of ups and downs. I'd be able to stop charting and all of that, because really what would be the point in that case? I honestly believe if either of us has a fertility issue it will be something wrong with me rather than him, but at least the SA will shed some light on things. There's every chance it'll come back great, and I really hope it does. We're both as prepared as we can be that it might not, though.

We've already discussed what our options might be if his SA is awful, and decided that we probably wouldn't want to use donor sperm if it came down to that. I just don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I think I'm mostly worried that my hubby wouldn't be able to handle it if I was pregnant and it technically wasn't his baby. Plus, I really want for us to have a baby that's part of us both.

If it transpires that IVF is our only option, I don't know what we'll do. We can't afford it (it costs approx. $16,000 per cycle, maybe even more). My issue with IVF is this: when do you stop? Wouldn't you just feel like "maybe the next cycle will work"? You'd have invested so much emotionally and financially, that you might not want to stop until you ended up with a baby. That could end up costing more than our house! Like I said, we couldn't really afford it anyway. If it was 100% guaranteed, then we'd probably make it work. Sadly, the odds are generally much lower than that.

We've talked about adoption and I did a little bit of research yesterday, but it sounds quite daunting. Apparently for every healthy baby up for adoption in the US, there are 40 couples waiting to adopt. Yikes. It can also cost up to $40,000, which is beyond our reach. The website I looked at tried to make the cost seem better by saying something along the lines of "any method of having a baby costs money - hospital bills etc." While this is true, there's this thing called insurance and ours covers virtually everything pregnancy and delivery related. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't cover anything to do with adoption! Plus, adoption opens a whole other can of worms. Some people who were adopted don't have a problem with it, while others have a whole host of issues because of it.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here: as far as we know, neither of us have any fertility problems. If one (or both) of us are found to have issues, they might be easily treated. There's a good chance we'll never need to consider IVF or adoption. I guess I just need to get my thoughts out at the moment!

I think joining the gym will do us both good, it'll be a great outlet for our frustrations. Back in the UK I loved going to the gym: I'd go 4 or 5 times a week. It helped - at that time, hubby (then fiancé) and I were more than 5,000 miles apart and it kept me busy.

I sometimes feel as though my hubby doesn't feel the way I do about our lack of pregnancy, but after talking to him last night I think it's just that he's better at hiding his feelings than I am. He's probably almost as disappointed as I am about the whole thing, but he doesn't get emotional like I do. I get it, in some ways it's not so real for men as it is for women. He's not the one having awful periods, feeling like everyone else is pregnant, charting, taking 2 different vitamins every day, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed, monitoring potential symptoms, taking pregnancy tests, etc. There's a quote out there that says something like this: a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she's pregnant; men become fathers when the baby is born. There may be some truth to that, because it's not the guy who experiences pregnancy first-hand.

I really want the whole package - I want to be pregnant and experience the whole thing. I know it's not glamorous, and sometimes pregnancy is downright uncomfortable and annoying. I want to have that, though: to know our baby is growing in my tummy, to go to scans and see the baby on the screen, to give birth... all of it. I really hope it'll happen for us soon.

Trying a new approach

Last night we were shopping at Target and I grabbed some Pre-Seed. It's something I've thought about trying, and it couldn't hurt. There are lots of women who swear by it, but I know that doesn't guarantee anything. It could work for us, it might not. It's worth a try, though.  :)

So, this cycle we're trying:

• BBT charting
• Cervix checking
• B50 complex & prenatal vitamins
• Mucinex
• Pre-Seed

We're also doing the deed more often, too. Previously we've been doing the every other day thing, but I want to try more this time if we can. It's hard to know when I'm actually going to ovulate, but as long as we do it at least every other day (and more often when we want to) it'll be OK.

I started having fertile CM yesterday (CD14) so I started taking Mucinex yesterday and I'll continue until ovulation is confirmed on my chart. When we DTD from now on, we'll use Pre-Seed every time (during my fertile window).

I feel strangely positive at the moment - it's a stark contrast to how I've felt these past couple of weeks. I'm not sure exactly why I feel this way, but I do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking that the Pre-Seed will definitely do anything for us. I just feel optimistic, which is nice.  :)

My temp spiked a little this morning, but I don't think I've ovulated yet. I'd be ecstatic if I did ovulate on CD14 though - that would be a miracle for me, LOL. I'd be so happy to ovulate before CD18, but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe it will one of these times...