:(

I'm not sure why, but the infertility stuff is getting me down more today than it has been recently. I was feeling kind of at peace with things, but today I just feel like crap. I hate that this can happen; nothing significant has really happened to change things, yet I just feel low.

Maybe it's partly due to the forum post I read this morning, about a woman with a 5 month old baby who's pregnant again - her kids will be 1 year apart. It feels so unfair that someone who's already been blessed with a baby so recently is having another, and we may never get to even see a BFP. I know the world isn't fair, and it doesn't work like that. It just feels like a kick in the teeth, that getting pregnant is so easy for most couples but it's so hard for us. I know there are lots of couples out there who have struggled/are struggling more than us, and we're not that far into our infertility journey, but this really hurts.

When I think about all the things I naively thought we would have to plan around me giving birth - people coming to visit from the UK, etc. - I feel like such an idiot. When we first started TTC I remember thinking that if we conceived right away my due date would clash with my friend's visit. Then there was an in-law family reunion on the other side of the country planned for June this year, and I was sure that we wouldn't be able to go because I'd be heavily pregnant or we'd have a tiny newborn by that time. Neither of these events ended up happening, but even last month I was thinking about how if we conceived that cycle my due date would fall when my mom and stepdad are visiting in February/March of next year. If we conceive this cycle I'll be about ready to pop when my friend and her family visit in April of next year. Even now I find myself thinking about these things, when it's clearly never been an issue before. I don't know why I still seem to expect this to happen, but I guess it's that small part of me that's hopeful.

I wish we had a reason for our infertility. I think that would make it easier to accept than this. At this point, I just wish I knew for sure if we're ever going to have a baby. If we could know for sure that it's never going to happen, I think I could eventually come to terms with that. It's the not knowing that makes it so hard to accept. If everything is so perfect with all our tests, then why am I not getting pregnant? I know I've asked this before, and nobody can give me any answers. I guess I just need to write it down again.