Today is CD12 and it seems as though I might ovulate soon. Last cycle I ovulated on CD15, but that was uncharacteristically early for me. I'll obviously be happy if it happens early again, though!
Right alongside the cautious hope I have right now is another emotion: fear. I'm scared that yet another cycle will pass, I still won't be pregnant and I'll take it even worse than last time. Last time was pretty bad, I felt utterly devastated. It seems that the longer this goes on, the harder it hits me each time we fail. Sometimes I want to just stop TTC, but I can't do that because we really want to have kids. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, but I guess we'll take each month as it comes.
We haven't seen a specialist yet, because we keep putting it off. Maybe if we just wait a few more weeks we won't need to see anyone because I'll be pregnant. That's part of it. The other part is I'm not sure how I feel about taking fertility drugs. I've mentioned before that my OBGYN offered to prescribe me Clomid, but she doesn't really think I need it and I'm worried about it messing up my cycles or inducing ovarian cysts. I'm definitely getting closer to the point where I'm probably going to end up taking it anyway. I just have this feeling that it might put us in a worse position than we're already in, you know? But then again, it might work and that would be that. Maybe I can make it to the end of this year without resorting to Clomid; we'll see. I'd much rather my body would just do this naturally, and I do ovulate on my own - maybe I'd have better ovulation on Clomid, though. Decisions, decisions. There's also the fact that if I try Clomid and it's unsuccessful, I'm not sure there's much else we can really try. We know we couldn't do IVF if that was an option, and IUI probably isn't an option because my hubby has wonderful swimmers. No problems on his end. Maybe having Clomid as an option in the future makes me feel better, because we haven't exhausted our limited options yet. I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself here, how ridiculous is that?!
My hubby got home from his business trip on Friday, so things are back to normal here (whatever normal is!). We still have 3 foster pugs. Our new one has a vet appointment this afternoon because he has what looks to be an umbilical hernia. I really hope he won't need surgery, but I won't be surprised if he does. He's very sweet and I'm sure he'll find a great home relatively quickly. We've had our bonded pair of fosters for exactly 5 months now, and we'll have them until they're adopted (whenever that may be). Our new foster will probably be adopted within 6-8 weeks I think, though you never can tell!
Showing posts with label emotional roller coaster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional roller coaster. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
:(
I'm not sure why, but the infertility stuff is getting me down more today than it has been recently. I was feeling kind of at peace with things, but today I just feel like crap. I hate that this can happen; nothing significant has really happened to change things, yet I just feel low.
Maybe it's partly due to the forum post I read this morning, about a woman with a 5 month old baby who's pregnant again - her kids will be 1 year apart. It feels so unfair that someone who's already been blessed with a baby so recently is having another, and we may never get to even see a BFP. I know the world isn't fair, and it doesn't work like that. It just feels like a kick in the teeth, that getting pregnant is so easy for most couples but it's so hard for us. I know there are lots of couples out there who have struggled/are struggling more than us, and we're not that far into our infertility journey, but this really hurts.
When I think about all the things I naively thought we would have to plan around me giving birth - people coming to visit from the UK, etc. - I feel like such an idiot. When we first started TTC I remember thinking that if we conceived right away my due date would clash with my friend's visit. Then there was an in-law family reunion on the other side of the country planned for June this year, and I was sure that we wouldn't be able to go because I'd be heavily pregnant or we'd have a tiny newborn by that time. Neither of these events ended up happening, but even last month I was thinking about how if we conceived that cycle my due date would fall when my mom and stepdad are visiting in February/March of next year. If we conceive this cycle I'll be about ready to pop when my friend and her family visit in April of next year. Even now I find myself thinking about these things, when it's clearly never been an issue before. I don't know why I still seem to expect this to happen, but I guess it's that small part of me that's hopeful.
I wish we had a reason for our infertility. I think that would make it easier to accept than this. At this point, I just wish I knew for sure if we're ever going to have a baby. If we could know for sure that it's never going to happen, I think I could eventually come to terms with that. It's the not knowing that makes it so hard to accept. If everything is so perfect with all our tests, then why am I not getting pregnant? I know I've asked this before, and nobody can give me any answers. I guess I just need to write it down again.
Maybe it's partly due to the forum post I read this morning, about a woman with a 5 month old baby who's pregnant again - her kids will be 1 year apart. It feels so unfair that someone who's already been blessed with a baby so recently is having another, and we may never get to even see a BFP. I know the world isn't fair, and it doesn't work like that. It just feels like a kick in the teeth, that getting pregnant is so easy for most couples but it's so hard for us. I know there are lots of couples out there who have struggled/are struggling more than us, and we're not that far into our infertility journey, but this really hurts.
When I think about all the things I naively thought we would have to plan around me giving birth - people coming to visit from the UK, etc. - I feel like such an idiot. When we first started TTC I remember thinking that if we conceived right away my due date would clash with my friend's visit. Then there was an in-law family reunion on the other side of the country planned for June this year, and I was sure that we wouldn't be able to go because I'd be heavily pregnant or we'd have a tiny newborn by that time. Neither of these events ended up happening, but even last month I was thinking about how if we conceived that cycle my due date would fall when my mom and stepdad are visiting in February/March of next year. If we conceive this cycle I'll be about ready to pop when my friend and her family visit in April of next year. Even now I find myself thinking about these things, when it's clearly never been an issue before. I don't know why I still seem to expect this to happen, but I guess it's that small part of me that's hopeful.
I wish we had a reason for our infertility. I think that would make it easier to accept than this. At this point, I just wish I knew for sure if we're ever going to have a baby. If we could know for sure that it's never going to happen, I think I could eventually come to terms with that. It's the not knowing that makes it so hard to accept. If everything is so perfect with all our tests, then why am I not getting pregnant? I know I've asked this before, and nobody can give me any answers. I guess I just need to write it down again.
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