Disappointment again

My temp dropped by 0.8ºF this morning. I haven't gotten my period yet, but I'm sure it's on its way.

Rationally, I knew this would probably be the outcome; I just hoped beyond hope that we'd finally done it. It obviously wasn't meant to be  :(

Guess I was wrong

Damn... I really thought we'd done it this time, but my temp dropped to 97.3 this morning (a drop of 0.7 from yesterday's temp). I expect I'll start spotting today and then my period will follow on Sunday. A new cycle for the new year, wonderful...

I feel like such an idiot for actually thinking I was pregnant. I really thought I was, and that I'd get my BFP sometime within the next few days. The signs were good - possible implantation bleeding at 8dpo, a triphasic chart, no spotting at 11dpo which I usually have... I had a few reasons to think it could finally be happening, it wasn't just me being hopeful.

When we started TTC in June, I thought I'd probably be pregnant before the end of the year. Well, I didn't count on my cycles being long due to late ovulation. Out of the 5 cycles I've charted, I've ovulated 4 times. Of those 4 times, 1 time would've been impossible to get pregnant because my LP went to 8 days. So I suppose really we've only had 3 definite chances to get pregnant so far. When you look at it that way, I suppose not being pregnant yet is no big surprise. It just really sucks that all this time of TTC has resulted in nothing but frustration. I know lots of people struggle for years, so I don't want to be insensitive to them. Seven months is nothing when compared to that, I know.

The only thing I'm happy about is that my LP seems to have gone back to normal. Or at least a lot better than it was last month. If my LP is 13 days as it has been every cycle except for the last one, my period will arrive on 1/1/12. Even if it comes tomorrow, my LP will have been 12 days which is fine. So there's the silver lining of this huge black cloud, I guess.

My dad's here until 1/3, and things have been OK for the most part save for a huge argument on Wednesday (12/28). I'll write about that another time, though. I just wish we didn't have any house guests at all because I really am in no mood for entertaining right now. I just want to curl up in bed and throw myself a pity party.

Seriously bummed... :(

My period started today. I'm actually in shock. Today I was 9dpo, it shouldn't have started until Thursday (12/1) because my LP is always 13 days. I really don't understand what's going on. My temp was down just below coverline this morning, but I thought that maybe I slept with my mouth open or the covers kicked off. When I saw the spotting around noon, I was really surprised but thought it could maybe be implantation bleeding. I thought that at the worst, I might get my period in a couple of days. It started this evening though. I'm totally gutted, it just doesn't make any sense to me at all.

It seems to me that as time goes on, my cycles get crazier and crazier. It's so weird. My first cycle charting, I ovulated on CD22. The next cycle was anovulatory (we moved house and it was stressful). The cycle after that I ovulated on CD24, and this last cycle I ovulated on CD28. It seems to be later each time. All of my cycles where I ovulated had 13 day LPs, except this last one. I just don't know what to think now.

I'm starting to wonder if this just isn't going to happen for us. I know we've only been trying for 6 months, but at the rate things seem to be going, I dread to think what my next few cycles will bring. I was doing so well at not getting stressed with TTC during my last cycle - how can I not be stressed about this cycle, knowing that if I even ovulate, my LP might just be 8 friggin' days again which is way too short to sustain a pregnancy even if we did catch the egg.

Ugh, this whole thing sucks. I want to be pregnant so badly and I'm so scared that there's a major problem with me. I feel like such a failure because my body won't do what it's supposed to do. I know it's kind of irrational, because it's not like this is something I can really control, but I feel as though I'm failing my hubby and myself by not getting pregnant. It's not even only the "not being pregnant" thing that's bothering me - not ovulating in a timely manner and now having this ridiculously short LP is what's really bothering me right now. I know that the chance of conception with perfect timing etc. is only around 20% per cycle, but even if we did catch the egg this last time, an 8 day LP just isn't good enough for it to implant. So yeah, I feel like a failure.

I'm just a mess at the moment.

CD7

That was a horrible period, but it's over now thank goodness!

Not related to TTC, but we've just had a big disappointment regarding the house we were hoping to buy. We made our offer 3 months ago (it's a short sale) and we found out last Tuesday that our offer had been accepted. We were so excited! Then yesterday we had our inspection done, and it was bad news. There were lots of problems uncovered, not least problems with the foundations which have caused a hump in the floor of one of the bedrooms (the window has shifted too) and electrical wiring problems, plumbing problems and water damage and mold problems. After speaking with our realtor today, who advised us that the bank who owns the property will not do anything about any of these problems, we've withdrawn our offer. We're totally gutted, we were supposed to be closing on the house on July 21st and we couldn't be more disappointed. All that waiting for nothing. We were so looking forward to living there and now we're going to have to start over again, looking at more houses. We have an appointment on Friday to view a few houses, we're just so disappointed and I feel so empty. I haven't been able to eat today, I just feel sick with sadness.

I hope this doesn't interfere with TTC this cycle - I should be fertile from Saturday through to next Wednesday and I'm really hoping this will be our month...