Second SA

We went to the fertility clinic this morning so my hubby could do another semen analysis. There were no real issues with his first one, but the fertility clinic will do a more detailed analysis so it's worth having it done again. The poor guy was in that room for like 30 minutes. I thought he wasn't going to be able to do it (the last one was done at home, so I think he had some pressure on him today which is understandable!)
I only went with him because with 2 of us in the car he could use the HOV lane on the freeway, since we had to be there by 8:30 and thought the traffic might be bad. It actually wasn't bad at all; maybe a lot of people took the day off to make it an even longer weekend! Typical, haha.

Anyway, that's done now so hopefully we might get the results by the end of next week. I'm not sure if the holiday weekend will affect processing - probably. So maybe the week after. Either way, we're expecting decent results based on his first SA, so we're not really concerned about it.

My chart is acting up and randomly changing my ovulation day. This morning it decided I ovulated on CD18 (3 days ago) but I'm sure that's wrong, based on CM etc. Well, when I changed the detector setting to "FAM" it reverted to CD14. I have no idea anymore! All I know for sure is that I have ovulated at some point, LOL.

I ordered some OPKs from Amazon today. Since I'll be taking Clomid next cycle, I want to be as sure as possible when I'm going to ovulate. I'm sure we'd be OK without the OPKs, but I feel like I should use them to maximize our chances since I'll be taking drugs!

It's weird, after our appointment on Wednesday I felt great - I was confident that I'd be pregnant soon. Today, I feel differently for some reason. I don't even know why, it's weird. I think I'm worried that Clomid won't be the answer, and then our options will be quickly running out. I know I should think positively, but sometimes I find that hard to do! I'm still holding out some hope that maybe we'll be lucky this cycle - I really hope we are, so I don't have to take Clomid at all - but based on all my previous cycles I can't be too optimistic this time around. I'm somewhere between 3 and 7 dpo (I think I'm closer to 7 dpo), so I know it's going to be another week at least before we know for sure whether this cycle has been a success. Fingers crossed!!!

In other news, someone is interested in adopting our latest foster pug, Cimon! I really hope it works out for him! I should know more on Sunday, when we're doing their home visit for them. :-)

First Appointment with the RE

We just got back from our appointment with the RE - and I'm happy to say it went really well! I was so freaking nervous before the appointment, but the fertility clinic staff are all so lovely and the doctor is really nice too. I asked a ton of questions of course, and he was really helpful. After talking for a while he did a transvaginal ultrasound, and everything looked great. No cysts on my ovaries and my uterus looks good too. He also took some cultures from my cervix. He described my cycles as "irregularly regular" - meaning that I ovulate regularly but my cycle length varies quite a lot, which is true (27-37 days, quite a variation). He said he wants me to try Clomid for 3 cycles, starting next cycle (if I'm not pregnant this cycle). After my first Clomid cycle he'll do another ultrasound to make sure I don't have any cysts, then I can take the Clomid again and so on. I think we might end up doing timed intercourse if the first Clomid cycle doesn't work, although he did say that we're having plenty of sex - our issue's not a lack of trying!

If I'm not pregnant this cycle I have to go in next CD2 or CD3 for bloodwork - they'll check my ovarian reserve and egg quality. He said my gynecologist was very thorough with the testing she did back in May/June, so that's good. He's not expecting any issues with my CD2/3 bloodwork, and he said it's looking like we fall into the unexplained infertility category. We discussed my husband's semen analysis, which he said looked fine but it wouldn't hurt to have another one done at the fertility clinic. That's scheduled for Friday morning, so that's good. Our insurance will cover it so that's not a concern, and it'll be interesting to see if anything's changed in the last few months. The last one was done at home and then rushed to the lab 40 minutes away (the lab told us as long as it was there within an hour it'd be OK). Well, the fertility clinic staff said he could get the sample at home as long as he gets it to the clinic within 30 minutes, which is do-able, but he's just going to do it at the clinic anyway. It's better to get it to them as "fresh" as possible, I think.

If Clomid doesn't work, or if they find any issues with the new SA, then we might end up doing IUI. It looks as though that would cost around $1000 per cycle, including ultrasounds, so that's not too bad really. We could do that - it's IVF we couldn't afford to do. The doctor is very optimistic that the Clomid will work, though, so hopefully we won't end up having to do IUIs at all. His confidence is rubbing off on me: I feel like maybe I will actually be pregnant soon.

We talked a little about laparoscopy, and he said that it might be something we could look into at a later date. He gave me information about it, and showed me some surgery images on the computer. I hope I won't need to have a laparoscopy, but if I do then I will of course.

I asked him about charting BBT, and he said he's happy for his patients to do it if they want to. He said it's not good for predicting ovulation, which I know of course, but it doesn't do any harm to use it to confirm ovulation. I'll probably keep it up for a while then I guess, although I'm not sure if Clomid messes with your temperatures... I guess I'll find out!

I feel a lot better now that we've been to our first appointment - I was so tense and stressed this morning, even though I really tried to calm myself down. I don't know why I get that way, but I do - maybe I have white coat syndrome! Now that we've been once, I think I'll be fine going again. I was just really worried that the doctor would be condescending, rude or dismissive. He was really friendly and nice, but he obviously knows his stuff too. That's exactly what I wanted - a doctor who knows what he's doing, but is still human and personable.

I have a massive headache now, I think because of all the adrenaline racing around my body. I wish I didn't get so stressed out about seeing new doctors!

Oh and here's my chart for this cycle - I ovulated on CD14 for the first time ever  :)

Really?!

Today when I updated my chart, I was informed that I'm 3 dpo now. Um, yeah... I don't think so! Pretty sure that the interpretation will change in the next few days! If I change the detector setting to "FAM" it gets rid of the crosshairs. I think that if I have ovulated already, it was more likely to be CD14 than CD13. Still, I had way more EWCM yesterday than I did on CD13 so I'm not convinced that it's happened at all yet. I guess we'll find out soon. This is how my chart looks at the moment (I got a free trial of the VIP features for a few days, apparently.)

I'm kind of looking forward to our appointment with the specialist on Wednesday. I'm sure when the time comes I'll be nervous as hell, but I really want some answers! I discussed my LP with my gynecologist, and she said that it was fine and that the spotting I have for a few days before AF is nothing to worry about. I've been wondering though if it is an issue, though, so I'll definitely be bringing it up with the specialist at our appointment. I'm hoping that he might do an ultrasound, and possibly a blood test to check my progesterone levels. I should get my AMH tested too; I think that's about the only bloodwork I haven't had yet. I already had FSH, TSH, testosterone, LH and a bunch of others including a 2-hour glucose tolerance test.

Can anybody think of anything else I should ask him to test for?

Finally took the plunge!

This afternoon my lovely husband phoned the fertility clinic to make us an appointment. We're scheduled for next Wednesday morning. Maybe this will lead to us getting some answers at long last! There are some additional tests the fertility specialist can run, but they probably won't be doing them next week (it'll be CD19 when we go in).

I feel as though I'm going to ovulate soon... I hope I'm right! It's only CD13, but all the signs indicate ovulation being imminent; I even had EWCM today, which I don't tend to see all that often (I always get watery CM during my fertile time).  Fingers crossed, anyway!  :)

Happy Birthday, Puglin :)

Today it's Suzie's 3rd birthday! Happy Birthday, little pug! We love you so much, sweetie.

Back to feeling somewhat hopeful again

Today is CD12 and it seems as though I might ovulate soon. Last cycle I ovulated on CD15, but that was uncharacteristically early for me. I'll obviously be happy if it happens early again, though!

Right alongside the cautious hope I have right now is another emotion: fear. I'm scared that yet another cycle will pass, I still won't be pregnant and I'll take it even worse than last time. Last time was pretty bad, I felt utterly devastated. It seems that the longer this goes on, the harder it hits me each time we fail. Sometimes I want to just stop TTC, but I can't do that because we really want to have kids. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, but I guess we'll take each month as it comes.

We haven't seen a specialist yet, because we keep putting it off. Maybe if we just wait a few more weeks we won't need to see anyone because I'll be pregnant. That's part of it. The other part is I'm not sure how I feel about taking fertility drugs. I've mentioned before that my OBGYN offered to prescribe me Clomid, but she doesn't really think I need it and I'm worried about it messing up my cycles or inducing ovarian cysts. I'm definitely getting closer to the point where I'm probably going to end up taking it anyway. I just have this feeling that it might put us in a worse position than we're already in, you know? But then again, it might work and that would be that. Maybe I can make it to the end of this year without resorting to Clomid; we'll see. I'd much rather my body would just do this naturally, and I do ovulate on my own - maybe I'd have better ovulation on Clomid, though. Decisions, decisions. There's also the fact that if I try Clomid and it's unsuccessful, I'm not sure there's much else we can really try. We know we couldn't do IVF if that was an option, and IUI probably isn't an option because my hubby has wonderful swimmers. No problems on his end. Maybe having Clomid as an option in the future makes me feel better, because we haven't exhausted our limited options yet. I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself here, how ridiculous is that?!

My hubby got home from his business trip on Friday, so things are back to normal here (whatever normal is!). We still have 3 foster pugs. Our new one has a vet appointment this afternoon because he has what looks to be an umbilical hernia. I really hope he won't need surgery, but I won't be surprised if he does. He's very sweet and I'm sure he'll find a great home relatively quickly. We've had our bonded pair of fosters for exactly 5 months now, and we'll have them until they're adopted (whenever that may be). Our new foster will probably be adopted within 6-8 weeks I think, though you never can tell!

I'm still alive, even if I feel dead on the inside!

Last time I posted I was so depressed... so angry with life. After a couple of days I started to feel better, but it seems like with every passing month the feeling of despair just gets worse.

My husband gets really disappointed when all I get is BFNs, but he doesn't have the same feeling of total and utter devastation that I get. I understand, it's different for men to some extent. He says the worst thing for him is seeing me so upset and not being able to make me feel any better. He suggested that maybe we should see an infertility counselor. I guess it's probably a good idea. I don't have too many awful days, but the bad days I do have can be pretty terrible. I think we'll be making an appointment soon. We also need to go and see a fertility specialist. There are a couple of additional tests I could have run, maybe one of those would shed more light on why we're not conceiving. Maybe not, too. At this point, I just wish someone could tell me if we're ever going to have a baby. If the answer was "no" then I could try to move on. As it stands, there's this cycle of hope and despair and I don't feel like we can give up yet because maybe something will happen soon. Sometimes I really do feel like just quitting TTC, but I know I can't do that yet.

I chatted with one of my best friends on Skype yesterday, and she's one of the few people IRL who I've told about this stuff. Well, she means well but she really doesn't get it. I know she can't possibly truly understand, because she's not at a point in her life where she's TTC. Some of the stuff she's come out with, though, is super frustrating. She told me that someone she knows couldn't get pregnant, and she went on vacation to a tropical island and came back pregnant. Then she told me that she knows someone who tried for 2 years before getting pregnant. OK, so I know we haven't been trying for that long, but when 12 months of TTC with no pregnancy is the definition of infertility, of course I'm frustrated after 14 months! I explained that we even know we've timed everything right every single time, so it's even more frustrating - it's not like we're missing our chance, you know?

She then said that "There are people much worse off!". Yes, thanks for that; like I don't know that?! I used to work in a hospital, with terminally ill patients. I get that things "could be worse". I know. It really doesn't make me feel any better about our situation, though. All I could say was "There's always someone worse off! Anytime anybody complains about anything, there's always someone in a worse position. If you were going through this, you'd understand how I feel". And honestly, I hope she never does have to go through this because it freaking sucks. I said, "For someone who's always wanted to have children, not being able to even get pregnant is a terrible thing". I told her that we have no idea if we'll ever have a baby, and she said "Don't say that, it makes me sad when you say things like that". Then she admitted that she knows I have to be realistic. I told her that all the positive thinking in the world isn't going to get me pregnant - and that it ends up making me feel worse, because it inevitably gets my hopes up. I explained how people saying things like "relax!" isn't helpful, and she said that it's better than saying something like "I'll pray for you". Well, all I really want people to say is "I'm so sorry, I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it". I explained that I know nothing anybody says is going to change our situation, but minimizing the problem isn't the right thing to do. Anyway, I think after talking she understood a little more. Although she did suggest that we could use a surrogate... I wonder if the next "helpful advice" will be, "Why don't you just adopt?!".

This week my hubby is away on business, so it's just me and the dogs. I managed to persuade him to agree to taking in another foster pug, so we picked him up on Saturday. I know I must be crazy, because now we have 2 pugs of our own and 3 fosters. Oh well! The fact is that pug rescue has to spend quite a lot of money boarding pugs when there are no foster spaces available, and that money would obviously be better spent on vet bills. The cost to board one pug for a week could pay for a dental cleaning, so when you look at it that way it's better that we took one extra. We won't be able to take any more, though, until someone gets adopted. We actually had 6 pugs on Saturday night, because we picked up another from boarding at the same time as our new foster (he went to a different foster home on Sunday). That was really tough and I don't want to do that again! It was OK because we knew the 6th one was only staying for one night, but it was hard work.

Our new foster has been kind of difficult because he hasn't wanted to eat much, and he had 4 medications when we got him which required him to eat! I was seriously frustrated the first few days because he wouldn't really eat and wouldn't take his pills without a fight. Pill Pockets would work occasionally, but not consistently. I had to resort to using a pill dispensing syringe, which he obviously hated. Thankfully since yesterday he's eaten better and taken his pills better. It helps that now he only has to take 1 pill a day, rather than 4. He had a dental last week and had to have 18 teeth removed (poor baby!) so he had antibiotics and painkillers for that. He also has a skin infection on his face, so he has a pill for that too. That's the only one left now, so that's a relief.

His name is Cimon - Simon with a "C", because we've had other "Simons" in rescue and it gets really confusing with vet records etc. if we have multiple dogs with the same name! Unfortunately, my stupid ex was also named Simon. Luckily this "Cimon" is a million times sweeter, LOL.

My hubby left on Sunday morning, then I had the pug adoption event to run (we had an adoption, yay!) and by the time I got home I was so tired. I spent most of Monday and a couple of hours on Tuesday sewing, then cleaned the house because my friend was coming over for dinner Tuesday night. I made a pizza which turned out great :) She brought cupcakes for us from this little bakery, they were so good!

I think I'll try to organize the "baby room" today and hopefully get some ideas together for my craft room. It's senseless to have the room sitting there with no real purpose. We moved in almost a year ago and we've never used the room for anything other than random storage. At this point there's really no point in keeping it for some theoretical baby that doesn't exist... so screw it, I'm going to transform it into a useful, happy space.

I think I'm done.

We've been TTC for 14 months now, and we have absolutely nothing to show for it. Well, nothing except for lots of frustration, sadness and disappointment. Not even 1 BFP: nothing. All of our test results were perfect, and that's frustrating as hell because we have no answers at all. What are we supposed to do? Keep trying until I hit menopause? There's no closure, no peace; only unanswered questions and grief. All I know is I can't do this for much longer.

I'm only 10 dpo and I already know I'm out. I knew it yesterday, I just had that feeling when you know you're going to get your period. It's not even due until Sunday, but I know it's coming. Last night before bed I started spotting, and it just confirmed what I already knew: I'm not pregnant. All the supposedly promising symptoms I had - the sore boobs, nausea and fatigue - were just progesterone messing with me as usual.

I've probably mentioned before that when we bought this house almost a year ago, we made the mistake of labeling one of the bedrooms "the baby room". We've never done anything with that room, because it was supposed to be a nursery. We'd been TTC for a few months when we moved in, so we figured I'd be pregnant within the next few months. How wrong we were... Anyway, I can't stand to look at that room now. We use it as kind of a storage room, but we could easily put the stuff that's in there somewhere else. I think I'm going to turn it into a craft room, so I can at least use it for something. I might do it when my hubby is away, it'll keep me occupied for a while. At least it would keep all my craft stuff together in one place, away from the dogs and off the dining table. Maybe I can get a proper sewing table; that would make sewing easier because everything would be at the right height. I also want to get a comfy chair in there too, so I can crochet in peace. I can do that on the couch, but the dogs can get in the way and try to play with the yarn so it's not always easy.

I think there's a small part of me that thinks, "maybe if I do something with that room, I'll miraculously get pregnant - it would be typical, right?". If that happened, we'd be able to move the craft stuff out of there. It wouldn't be an issue, the house is almost 2200 sq. ft. after all. I sometimes wish we hadn't bought such a big place. We were planning on having kids here, so we'd grow into it. The big front room was going to be used as a playroom; instead, we hardly ever use it for anything. There's only the 2 of us and the pugs; we don't need all this space. We don't even have people over very often: my family (and the majority of my friends) are all in the UK, and my hubby's family, well... his mom is a freaking cray-cray who we can't have a relationship with for our own sanity, and we don't see his brother these days. His dad is OK and will probably be over in the next couple of weeks or so, but that's it.

I find myself wanting to adopt another pug, but I know it wouldn't fill the void in our lives. Part of the reason we haven't adopted another is because if we do have a baby, 3 dogs of our own would probably be a lot to manage on top of everything else. We could put fostering on hold until things calmed down a bit, but we couldn't do that with our own dogs obviously. I know I shouldn't adopt another, but part of me thinks that if we can't have a baby then why the hell not! Three dogs is cheaper than having a kid, even when you factor in unexpected vet bills etc. I don't think my hubby would agree to adopting another, anyway, so it doesn't matter what my heart is telling me. I haven't mentioned this to him because I know the answer will be a resounding "NO!" Plus, like I said, it's not going to fill the void of not having a baby. I just need to put the thought out of my mind and stop letting my emotions govern me.

8 dpo / proud of my pug baby!

Today I'm 8 dpo, so it's still too early to test of course! I'm definitely feeling something, though - even if it is just because of progesterone. I've had sore boobs and nausea since yesterday, but I don't want to get too excited because this kind of thing has happened before and I wasn't pregnant. I really hope this time it will be different, though! I've also been super tired even though I've been sleeping well. Again, probably just progesterone at this point at least. I know that if what I'm experiencing really is due to pregnancy, I should get a BFP; I just don't want to test yet because the chances of a positive at 8 dpo are so small! I have lots of cheap tests, but I want to wait until 10 dpo to test I think. That's still early, I know, but it's better than 8 dpo!

My chart looks OK I think. I had a little bit of spotting today but I think I caused it. (I think I caught something with my nail when I checked my cervix... oops!)

I'm hoping my temp will go up again soon, or at least stay up there in the higher range.

We had some awesome news yesterday. In a nutshell, our pug Suzie has been in the pug rescue's Cutest Pug Contest. Well, we knew she was going to go out in the last round (it ended Saturday night) because the bottom 3 were going out and she was #18 of the 18 left! We were honestly fine with it, we still voted for her because all the money raised goes to the pug rescue we volunteer with, so it's for a great cause. Well, she ended up going out as we expected. No worries, she raised $524 for the rescue and since we have another fund who will match donations, that equals $1048. We were really pleased that she'd done so well and thought that was the end of it. Wrong! There's an option to "buy back" pugs who have just left the contest, and a lady we don't even know used that option to bring Suzie back! At this stage in the contest it costs $1000 to do that, so she spent $1000 getting our "baby" back in! Nobody has ever done that before, it's a first in the history of the contest. Now she's in second place and we're seriously shocked even now, a whole day later!

The top 12 each get a page in the 2013 calendar, and the winner of the contest gets to be on the front cover as well. At the moment there are more than 200 votes separating Suzie from the number 1 pug, but that could change! We'll obviously be thrilled to have her in the calendar at all, but if she won the whole thing that would be awesome! The top 12 will be decided with this round of voting, but she should definitely be in it! We couldn't be happier with this news, it's truly wonderful! :)

Hopefully we'll get some more amazing news soon, too, in the form of a nice strong BFP. A girl can hope, right?!

Stunned!

It turns out I did ovulate on CD15 - woo-hoo! I'm really happy that it finally happened at a "normal" time - this cycle should be 28 days if my LP is 13 days. Awesome! It sure beats ovulating on CD22 (like my last cycle).

I guess the next 10 days will be torture, as usual. I just hope that this time we'll actually be lucky and get the BFP we've been waiting so long for... If we did catch the egg this time there's a chance we'll know before my hubby leaves for his business trip, so that would be cool. Of course if this cycle ends the same way all the others have, he'll be out of town when I get my period. Lucky guy!