I'm a terrible blogger

I hardly update this blog at all these days. Sorry about that! I don't even have a good excuse, it just slips my mind and before I know it another couple of weeks have passed.

I'm now 25 weeks 1 day pregnant. Baby boy is very, very active. I find it incredibly reassuring to feel him do his acrobatics in there!

Here's a bump pic from Sunday, when I was 24 weeks 3 days along:

I had another prenatal appointment last Monday (1/21) when I was 23+4. My BP was fine and so was everything else. I don't know if I mentioned previously (I probably did) that at a few appointments my BP was kind of high. Well, on the way to my last appointment I told my hubby that I thought it would be normal this time because I'm no longer anxious about them being able to find the baby's heartbeat. I was right! :) Feeling him move a lot erases the worry I used to have, you know?

I found out I gained 11.2 pounds since the start of my pregnancy. Not too bad - at least it can't be terrible, because my OB hasn't said anything about it.

I asked my OB lots of questions:

• Should I write a (flexible) birth plan? --- She's happy to do whatever I want, as long as things are progressing normally. 
• How far past my due date will she let me go? --- She said if I get to 41 weeks she'd be really nervous... would start talking about induction a little after 40 weeks. Yikes.
• Is it really necessary to go to birthing classes? --- She said because I thrive on information, I would definitely benefit from the classes. I was hoping she'd say they're not necessary, haha, but we'll sign up for one soon.
• Other questions I can't remember now --- pregnancy brain is a real thing, seriously!

My next appointment is 2/18, and I'll be doing the 1 hour glucose test and also getting a Rhogam shot because I'm Rh negative. Nothing to worry about, at least we know. Hopefully I'll pass the glucose test, otherwise I'll have to do the 3 hour test. I did a 2 hour glucose test back in June, as part of the testing my OB did for "infertility". My results were perfect then, but of course pregnancy can wreak havoc on your body. Hopefully I won't have gestational diabetes, anyway. After the next appointment I'll be seeing my OB every 2 weeks instead of every 4. Delivery day is getting closer!

My mom and stepdad are coming from England to visit us from 2/22 until 3/9. It's almost 2 years since we've seen them; they visited in May 2011, and we haven't been to England at all since I moved here. We won't be going any time soon, either. One of my best friends is getting married, she got engaged in August maybe a week before I got my BFP. Anyway they set their wedding date a week or so ago, for August 24th. Prior to that they were saying "June, July, August or September". Quite a range of dates! Anyway, as much as I would like to be there for her wedding, it's just not going to be practical to travel so far (more than 5,000 miles) with a 3 month old baby. The sheer amount of stuff we'd have to take with us is staggering, and we just really couldn't do it. The direct flight from Phoenix to London is about 10 hours, and then we'd either have about a 4 hour drive to my "home" city or we'd have to take 2 trains - which would also take almost 4 hours in total. Not to mention the huge expense of traveling so far, and we'd have to go for at least 7-10 days to make it worthwhile really. It just isn't going to happen.

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Our long-term foster pugs, Lilly & Milo, left for their amazing new home on 1/19! They're doing really well and they're very happy. We've had lots of photo updates and we really couldn't be happier for them! Here they are (both on the right) with their French bulldog sisters!

Unfortunately, the pug I wrote about in my last post ended up declining and had to be put to sleep. We only had him for 4 days but it absolutely broke my heart. We bought him a yummy bacon cheeseburger before we had to take him to the vet, and he really enjoyed eating that! We stayed with him the entire time, from when the vet gave him his sedative which took about 15 minutes to take effect, to when they injected the final stuff. We gave him tons of love and lots of kisses and cuddles. It was very peaceful but so so sad. His name was Chester, he was about 10 years old and he was the sweetest little guy.

A few days after he passed away, I went and got a name tag made up for him. I have it on my key chain. I just felt as though it would be some kind of small tribute to him. I felt bad that whoever owned him wasn't there for him when he needed them most, and he didn't have a tag of his own.

I miss that little guy so much. It's crazy how 4 days can mean so much.

Sorry to end on a depressing note; as sad as the whole thing is, it's part of being involved in rescue. Sometimes we're just not able to do enough for the dogs who come to us. This was the best we could do for Chester, and he's not suffering now. We'll never forget him, but he's in a better place now.

23 weeks

Today marks 23 weeks - time flies! Or at least it's flown since the start of the second trimester. Before that time stood still, or at least that's how it felt!

Baby boy is moving a lot these days. I've been feeling him since about 16 weeks, but it started out as tiny movements that were inconsistent. I'd feel something I thought was the baby, but couldn't be quite sure, and then there would be nothing for a while. Gradually the movements became more noticeable, and couldn't be passed off as something else. Now I often feel him moving from the outside, and my hubby has been able to feel him a lot too. On a couple of occasions I've actually been able to see movement, which is pretty bizarre I must say. I didn't expect that to happen until much later. Every so often there will be a fleeting little bulge, it's pretty crazy but amazing at the same time :)

We cleared out the baby's room last week, but so far we haven't bought any nursery furniture. We'll obviously need a crib, a dresser and probably some kind of chair too. We've bought lots of adorable little clothes, because I couldn't resist. Honestly I've been buying stuff for quite a while now, just a couple of little things at a time. I was surprised when I got all of the clothes out, because there was a lot more than I thought! We got some great little things last weekend, all 40-60% off. We've only bought one set of newborn things, because newborn is supposed to fit until 8 pounds and we think it's fairly likely that he'll be needing 0-3 month clothing rather than newborn. If we're wrong and he does need newborn stuff, we can buy it at the time.

Now onto the non-baby-related stuff! Our foster pug, Kineta (KiKi), was adopted at the weekend! She'll have a great life, we're very happy for her. Our pair of fosters, Lilly and Milo, who we've been fostering since March 2012, are also adopted! They leave on Saturday. A lady from Canada was interested in them and decided to make them part of her family. She has two female French bulldogs, so I'm sure they'll have a lot of fun! She's driving about 1700 miles to pick them up, and then of course driving back with them. That's dedication! We'll miss them a lot, of course. They've been with us such a long time - 10 months - and it's impossible not to get attached really. However, we know they're going to have a wonderful life and it's not like we could've really kept them anyway. With the baby coming, 2 sets of vet bills are enough!

I was asked to take a 12 year old male pug as our next foster, so we're picking him up on Sunday. I'm sure he'll probably be a long-term foster too, 12 years isn't what most people are looking for after all!

When I took Lilly and Milo to the vet yesterday, I ran into the mom of one of the other volunteers. She was there with a 10 year old black male pug who we just got out of the shelter a couple of days ago. He has numerous issues, so I stayed while they examined him. He walks funny, so they did a spine X-ray and he has a chronic issue where the joint space between 2 of his lumbar vertebrae has gone. That's not something we can change, unfortunately. On top of that, he has really inflamed/dirty ears to the point where the vet couldn't even look in one of them because the dog wouldn't tolerate it. He's also very skinny, will need to be neutered and needs a dental - badly. His skin is a bit flaky, but I think with good food that can be resolved fairly easily. He doesn't seem to be in any pain, he gets around fine and has control of his bodily functions. He's perky and seems fairly happy.

Anyway, I offered to take him home with me as the woman who was fostering him works really long hours and he's likely going to need a lot of attention, not to mention a lot of vet visits. We live about 5 minutes from the vet, but her mom had to drive 30 minutes each way. She wasn't concerned about that, but since the dog had blood-work yesterday and the results weren't available until today (they just now called, actually), I thought it was a bit mean for her to have to come back for medication again today. Also, the lady who's in charge of the rescue is coming to our house on Saturday so I thought it would be good for her to see him for herself. I know a tough decision might have to be made.

As for now, his blood results show slightly elevated kidney enzymes - it could be caused by infection, or it could eventually turn into kidney failure. He has elevated white blood cells, so there's an infection somewhere (we knew that!). His glucose was normal though, so no diabetes. We're going to go ahead and try him on antibiotics, steroids and pain meds and see how he does. I have a feeling once his infection is cleared up he'll do much better. I just don't think he's a lost cause yet, he still has a strong appetite and seems to want to live. If any of that changes then I'm aware it might be kinder to let him go. It's a tough call to make, though. I'm glad it's ultimately not my decision, really.

I'm going to incorporate fish oil and coconut oil into his diet, give him a bath and use oatmeal conditioner on him, and see if that helps any. I know he won't have a complete recovery, but I think we can help him have a decent quality of life. Even if he only has a couple of months left to live, at least he'll know love.

29

It's my birthday today, I'm 29  :)  So far it's been a nice day, we went out for some breakfast and we'll go out for dinner somewhere tonight.

The pugs (we have 5 right now, our own 2 and 3 fosters) got me a cute little plush pug and a funny pug card. Well, I'm sure they didn't go to the store, LOL; my hubby got them on their behalf!

Silly pug card :)

Pug plush

See the resemblance?!

The pug photo-bombing the last pic is our new foster, Kineta. She's super cute and sweet. She was at a shelter in Kingman, AZ (about 3 hours north of us) and was due to be euthanized this past Monday because her time was up. Thankfully one of the other pug rescue volunteers went and got her out. She's only 3 years old and the funniest little girl. She's not spayed yet, and she also needs palate surgery because she struggles to breathe well, so she'll be getting that done soon. She's scheduled for surgery on Wednesday 12/5, but I'm waiting to hear if we need to postpone it because she just started a 2 week course of antibiotics on Thursday. I'm sure she'll be adopted very quickly once she's all fixed up!

I'm currently 16 weeks 2 days pregnant, and feeling pretty good. We've started making lists of potential baby names - thankfully there are a few that we both like, so it shouldn't be a complete disaster when it comes to naming the baby!

I've really been neglecting this blog recently, partly because I don't want to constantly harp on about my pregnancy. I know how difficult it is when you're still TTC and it seems like everyone else is pregnant. I'll never forget how I felt while we were struggling, even if we go on to have 3 kids. I'm sure I've lost a few readers since I got my BFP, and that's OK; I totally understand. It's just a struggle sometimes to think of things non-pregnancy related to write about.

Back to feeling somewhat hopeful again

Today is CD12 and it seems as though I might ovulate soon. Last cycle I ovulated on CD15, but that was uncharacteristically early for me. I'll obviously be happy if it happens early again, though!

Right alongside the cautious hope I have right now is another emotion: fear. I'm scared that yet another cycle will pass, I still won't be pregnant and I'll take it even worse than last time. Last time was pretty bad, I felt utterly devastated. It seems that the longer this goes on, the harder it hits me each time we fail. Sometimes I want to just stop TTC, but I can't do that because we really want to have kids. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, but I guess we'll take each month as it comes.

We haven't seen a specialist yet, because we keep putting it off. Maybe if we just wait a few more weeks we won't need to see anyone because I'll be pregnant. That's part of it. The other part is I'm not sure how I feel about taking fertility drugs. I've mentioned before that my OBGYN offered to prescribe me Clomid, but she doesn't really think I need it and I'm worried about it messing up my cycles or inducing ovarian cysts. I'm definitely getting closer to the point where I'm probably going to end up taking it anyway. I just have this feeling that it might put us in a worse position than we're already in, you know? But then again, it might work and that would be that. Maybe I can make it to the end of this year without resorting to Clomid; we'll see. I'd much rather my body would just do this naturally, and I do ovulate on my own - maybe I'd have better ovulation on Clomid, though. Decisions, decisions. There's also the fact that if I try Clomid and it's unsuccessful, I'm not sure there's much else we can really try. We know we couldn't do IVF if that was an option, and IUI probably isn't an option because my hubby has wonderful swimmers. No problems on his end. Maybe having Clomid as an option in the future makes me feel better, because we haven't exhausted our limited options yet. I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself here, how ridiculous is that?!

My hubby got home from his business trip on Friday, so things are back to normal here (whatever normal is!). We still have 3 foster pugs. Our new one has a vet appointment this afternoon because he has what looks to be an umbilical hernia. I really hope he won't need surgery, but I won't be surprised if he does. He's very sweet and I'm sure he'll find a great home relatively quickly. We've had our bonded pair of fosters for exactly 5 months now, and we'll have them until they're adopted (whenever that may be). Our new foster will probably be adopted within 6-8 weeks I think, though you never can tell!

8 dpo / proud of my pug baby!

Today I'm 8 dpo, so it's still too early to test of course! I'm definitely feeling something, though - even if it is just because of progesterone. I've had sore boobs and nausea since yesterday, but I don't want to get too excited because this kind of thing has happened before and I wasn't pregnant. I really hope this time it will be different, though! I've also been super tired even though I've been sleeping well. Again, probably just progesterone at this point at least. I know that if what I'm experiencing really is due to pregnancy, I should get a BFP; I just don't want to test yet because the chances of a positive at 8 dpo are so small! I have lots of cheap tests, but I want to wait until 10 dpo to test I think. That's still early, I know, but it's better than 8 dpo!

My chart looks OK I think. I had a little bit of spotting today but I think I caused it. (I think I caught something with my nail when I checked my cervix... oops!)

I'm hoping my temp will go up again soon, or at least stay up there in the higher range.

We had some awesome news yesterday. In a nutshell, our pug Suzie has been in the pug rescue's Cutest Pug Contest. Well, we knew she was going to go out in the last round (it ended Saturday night) because the bottom 3 were going out and she was #18 of the 18 left! We were honestly fine with it, we still voted for her because all the money raised goes to the pug rescue we volunteer with, so it's for a great cause. Well, she ended up going out as we expected. No worries, she raised $524 for the rescue and since we have another fund who will match donations, that equals $1048. We were really pleased that she'd done so well and thought that was the end of it. Wrong! There's an option to "buy back" pugs who have just left the contest, and a lady we don't even know used that option to bring Suzie back! At this stage in the contest it costs $1000 to do that, so she spent $1000 getting our "baby" back in! Nobody has ever done that before, it's a first in the history of the contest. Now she's in second place and we're seriously shocked even now, a whole day later!

The top 12 each get a page in the 2013 calendar, and the winner of the contest gets to be on the front cover as well. At the moment there are more than 200 votes separating Suzie from the number 1 pug, but that could change! We'll obviously be thrilled to have her in the calendar at all, but if she won the whole thing that would be awesome! The top 12 will be decided with this round of voting, but she should definitely be in it! We couldn't be happier with this news, it's truly wonderful! :)

Hopefully we'll get some more amazing news soon, too, in the form of a nice strong BFP. A girl can hope, right?!

3 posts in 1

Part 1: Infertility Stuff

Today is CD10 and I had a temp rise of 0.6 this morning. I'm 99% sure that I did not ovulate yesterday - I've never ovulated before CD17 in all the time we've been TTC. My cervix was high yesterday but I didn't have fertile CM. I guess something's going on with my temps; it's weird, but whatever.

I must admit I'm getting to the point where I'm just so tired of TTC. I'm annoyed that it took over my life for more than a year. I'm annoyed that after extensive testing, we still have no answers. I'm annoyed that our insurance, which is supposed to cover infertility testing, has denied all of my claims - all of my bloodwork, my HSG, and even my pap smear (which you're allowed to have once a year and is supposed to be 100% covered). WTF?! So now we have to get in touch with them to sort that out, which is adding insult to injury. We checked our coverage before we had any testing done, to make sure we knew where we stood. They covered my husband's testing (which was also for infertility) but they won't cover mine? We're on the same freaking policy, with the same coverage! We're not paying for it when it says in black and white that infertility testing (and corrective surgery) is covered fully. I'm sure it'll be an uphill battle to get our insurance company to cover what they're supposed to cover. I'm going to let my husband deal with them, because I know I'll get really pissed off if I have to call them myself. He'll probably be able to keep his cool better!

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Part 2: Family Drama Stuff

I finally bit the bullet and called my grandma last week. I hadn't spoken to her since before all the crappy drama with my dad (which happened mid-April). After hearing from my aunt that he was "broken-hearted" that I didn't send him a birthday card, I figured he would've already lied to my grandma about me. It was kind of awkward calling her, but I'm glad I did.

I wasn't planning to mention any of the stuff that happened, but she asked what was going on so I set her straight. She was genuinely shocked when I told her how he's treated me, and I said that I've had enough and I will not be apologizing for anything (since this is all on him). If I'd done something I would own it, but I did nothing and I'm not feeding his ego by groveling and begging forgiveness when I've done nothing wrong.

She said she would like it if we made up, but I told her in order for that to happen he would have to sincerely apologize and back his apology up with actions. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions let me know he doesn't give a damn about me. She told me that he said the email he sent me was perfectly nice, and that I couldn't possibly have taken offense. I couldn't help but laugh at that! My grandma agreed with me that what he wrote was definitely not nice, and apparently she told him that a long time ago. Even my friend who usually says stuff like "but he's family!" is pissed at him over that email and the way he's acted. He knows he's in the wrong, but he'll never admit it. That's OK - I'm fine without him. At this point, I'm protecting myself by completely disengaging. It says a lot that after more than 3 months of no contact, the only time he was upset about it was his damn birthday! He doesn't know (or care) what's going on in my life, he doesn't even know if I'm alive, but the big thing is that he didn't get a card and gift from me (after treating me like shit). Textbook Narcissist, seriously. He hasn't attempted to contact me since that nasty email in April. Good riddance!

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Part 3: Everything Else

We've had a busy time with the pugs recently. Gracie lost a tooth on Friday, which wouldn't normally be too much cause for concern with a pug, but the root was horrible and dead-looking (even though the crown was white and healthy-looking). She had a dental cleaning at the vet yesterday, and had 2 other front teeth removed. I'm sure she feels better now that the bad teeth are gone!

Our foster, Milo, was diagnosed with bladder stones on Friday. He's having surgery on Thursday to remove them. Poor little guy! He's about 9 years old so I'm a little worried about him, but he had a dental a few months ago and didn't have any problems with the anesthetic, so hopefully he will be perfectly fine.

On Saturday we had a pug rescue event and 3 pugs found their new homes, which is awesome! After that my hubby took me out for lunch, and then I got my hair cut (which I've been meaning to do for a while). I was sick of my long hair, so I had the hairdresser chop off about half of it. It's a drastic change, but I love it! I haven't had my hair this short since about 9 or 10 years ago, and it feels good. It's not super short - it's just above my shoulders. It feels so much better though, especially in the summer heat! My hubby really likes it, but he was pretty surprised when he picked me up! :)

I spent most of yesterday thoroughly cleaning the house, doing lots of laundry and baking bread. It was a welcome distraction from everything - not just infertility, but also my pug-baby having her dental cleaning! My worries about her weren't completely unfounded - apparently it took her a while to come around from the anesthetic, which is common in brachycephalic (short-nosed) breeds, but I'm glad she's perfectly fine. She did need the dental, so it was a justified risk.

As far as distractions go, I want to do some more sewing but I don't know what to make. I also want to do some crochet, which I haven't done since before Christmas. I need to get back into it because it keeps me busy and I like being productive! I love to make things I can be proud of. Of course, making a baby would be the ultimate production, but who knows if that's in our future. Sometimes I think we should just stop trying and save ourselves the heartache of failure.

Wonderful timing...

Just in time for the pug adoption event I'm running today:

My period hasn't started yet, but it's definitely coming. My temp always seems to go down to 97.3 the day it starts.

I just have to put on a big smile and forget about all of this until after the event. I can do that.

Willpower...

Something I generally lack! Not today, however.

This morning (9 dpo) I woke up and took my temp (98.2), went back to sleep, woke up again and then lay in bed debating the pros and cons of testing today. Now clearly 9 dpo is most likely too early to test, but that's never stopped me in the past. I used to be really crazy and test at 8 dpo routinely. Anyway, I managed to talk myself out of testing today because if I got a BFN it would make me sad. I know a BFN at this stage doesn't mean you're out, but despite knowing that, actually getting a BFN depresses me! If I thought I might actually get a BFP then I guess it'd be different, but I don't really feel any different. I always feel tired, bloated, gassy and a little crampy after I ovulate. I do feel a little nauseous but that's happened before too, so I'm not getting excited yet.

Testing today would most likely have been a big disappointment. Testing tomorrow, though... Well, I probably will. Even though one extra day probably won't make that much of a difference, it somehow sounds better to test at 10 dpo than 9 dpo. Or maybe it's just me. I'm still clinging to the small hope that the HSG will end up being all we needed to get that elusive BFP... If not this cycle, then maybe next cycle or the one after that. As long as my hubby isn't out of state, that is! If we didn't have the dogs then I guess I could go with him, but it would be about $300-400 to board the dogs Sunday through Friday (assuming we'd be back in time to pick them up on Friday), and we'd have to find a vacation foster home for our two fosters. Plus, I really don't want to go to Mississippi. I've actually been 3 times before, believe it or not. I had family there who we visited when I was a kid, as part of our US vacations. It's so humid there and I'd rather have the crazy (dry) heat we get here - even though it was 93 at 7.30 this morning, and it's been up to 116 the past couple of days... Plus, all things considered it would be pretty expensive for me to join my hubby out there - flights, dog boarding etc. So I'm hoping that either I get my BFP this cycle, or he'll be home during my fertile times for the next couple of cycles at least.

In other 'news' I'm preparing for my new pug rescue adoption event on Sunday. I think I have everything I need now, except for a couple of chairs which we'll probably get today. We bought a table which folds down really small and has a carrying handle. I got a donation jar, big water bowl, extra leashes... I need to print out all the paperwork I'll be needing, but I think we're pretty much set. I'm excited and a little apprehensive; I'm sure it'll go fine, but it'll be my first time "in charge" and I want to make sure it goes well and that I do a good job! So far we have 11 pugs and 6 or 7 volunteers, so it should be a good event. Hopefully we'll get some adoptions! :)

I definitely ovulated! :)

I'm currently 3 dpo! I really thought I might not ovulate this cycle, so I'm very happy that I did. It's only the first hurdle though, of course. I'm sure the next 10 days or so are going to go by so slowly; the 2 week wait tends to be that way! We're both hopeful that this time I might end up being pregnant, but we know that only time will tell.

I think I'm clinging to the small hope that the HSG will have worked like magic, and it'll make all the difference. Ridiculous, I know! So many women say they got pregnant right after having a HSG, but I don't really expect it to make a difference for us when I think about it logically. It's nice to dream, but it's usually better to be realistic. 

My period is due the day after the first adoption event I'm running... I hope my LP is its usual 13 days so it doesn't come early! Yikes. The event is only for a few hours, but I don't want to be having agonizing cramps during that time. The best scenario is obviously that my period won't come at all, but that's clearly wishful thinking! 

Speaking of the event, we're going to collect pens for it at the weekend from the lady in charge of the rescue. She's fostering an adorable 12 week old pug puppy, and he loves to play so we're taking our pug (Suzie) with us so they can wear each other out! I wish we could have the puppy, he's only 4 pounds and super cute. I know we can't have him - we have enough on our plates with our girls and our 2 fosters. He's highly adoptable, being a puppy and all - so he'll get a great home when the right person comes along. Still, I'm definitely looking forward to some puppy cuddles! :)

Cool pics!

This morning I thought it might be interesting to take some photos of my saliva microscope results. I know, I'm a complete nerd! Anyway, here they are. If you look very closely you can see some small areas of ferning (they're in the red ovals). I took the photos with my phone camera so the ferns are hard to see, and most of the sample has no ferning. I recorded it as partial ferning after consulting some websites. I'm only on CD7 so I won't be ovulating for quite some time yet, but I find the microscope interesting!

I should charge my camera and see if I can get better photos!

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I'm quite excited today, because it's been confirmed that I will be in charge of the new pug rescue event I wrote about yesterday! Yay! I called the store manager this morning to schedule the first three events. [This will sound so bizarre, but I really hate calling people I don't know! Since I moved here I've had this silly hang-up about using the phone, because of my accent and I guess I'm worried I won't be able to make myself understood! Anyway, the call went well - I really need to get over the whole phone thing, I never had a problem in England!] The first event will be 7/15. That will give me some time to gather up everything I'll need. I've been making lists of things I need to have, since I seem to love writing lists. I guess I really am a nerd! Anyway, it's an exciting opportunity for me to become more involved in the pug rescue organization. I'm sure it'll be quite a lot of work, but I'm really looking forward to it!  :)

In other news, I decided to ignore my SIL with the Facebook thing. I don't need any drama, and I can't see a way of responding without some kind of drama ensuing. If she wants to get in touch with my husband (her half-brother) then she can email or call him. I don't need to be her go-between!

We're going to the gym again today. We went yesterday and I pushed myself much harder than usual. For some reason I don't like the elliptical trainer (whenever I use it my legs end up being like jelly!). Since we started going to the gym, about 6 weeks ago, I've used it all of one time and that was for only 10 minutes! Well, yesterday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill (walking fast on an incline), then 45 minutes on the elliptical. Granted, I had it set on a relatively easy setting, but it was still an achievement for me! I burned 545 calories in total, so it was a pretty good workout. I wish I could run on the treadmill but I find it hard, and if I was going to run I'd definitely need a better sports bra...

A jumbled post

My husband had the day off yesterday, so we ended up going to the shooting range. I thought that I'd feel better if I shot at stuff, but it didn't work. I ended up letting him do most of the shooting. In all honesty, the shooting range isn't my favorite place. I'm from the UK and the culture regarding guns is completely different! When we went to buy the guns a few months ago, I felt like a criminal! LOL. Anyway, I assigned the red circle as 'infertility' - which I guess is why I hit it so many times! The red circle seemed to be the most appropriate for some reason. I don't know what the blue square was supposed to represent, but whatever it was it obviously didn't make me angry enough, haha.

One thing did make me feel better yesterday, though: we went out for an awesome Indian meal. It was the best Indian food I've had since I moved here, almost 2 years ago. I can't wait to go back there again! It was so nice to go out and just have a great evening together. I can't wait until our little vacation, when we can have 3 nights like that and 4 days relaxing by the pool (or in the pool, since it's been around 107º here lately). At least it's a dry heat... haha. It's better than having the same temp with humidity, of course, but it's still freaking hot! 

We got our security door installed this morning. We ordered it right after someone tried to break into our next door neighbor's house, about a month ago. It's for security first and foremost, of course, but it's also going to have lots of practical uses. We'll be able to *gasp* answer the door without first having to round up 4 crazy pugs, or worrying about them running out into the street. That will be awesome! Also, when it gets cooler (in about 5 months probably) we'll be able to have the front door open and air the house out. Before the security door, we could only open the back door to let air in which didn't do a whole lot. Now we can have both doors open, with air flowing through nicely, and the pugs will still be contained in the house. 

Another little bit of news is that I might be getting my own adoption event for the pug rescue group I volunteer with. Nothing is set in stone yet, but there's a possibility of adding another event to our schedule and they need someone to run it. I said I would be happy to, and I have the support of a few of the other volunteers. We'll see what happens, anyway! I'm quite excited about it, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. It would be for a few hours one Sunday per month, at a big pet store. I think I could do a good job, and it'll give me something else to focus on rather than everything I've been dwelling on recently.

I'm going out for lunch on Tuesday with one of the ladies I volunteer with. She's much older than me (she has a granddaughter who just graduated from high school!) but we get along really well. She's a lot of fun, despite our huge age difference. When I bake bread I make her a loaf and she can't get enough of that stuff! She's kind of like the grandma I never had, I guess. I had 2 grandmas and still have 1, but we were never close in any sense of the term. We never lived near either of them and I didn't see them often enough to be close to them. Anyway, Tuesday will be nice! It's something to look forward to immediately after Monday, too. 

I think I'll be really glad when my testing has been done, whatever the results. On the one hand if the results are fine, then we'll have hope. Maybe if everything is fine I'll be able to relax more about everything (not that I buy into the "relax!" stuff!). If the results are bad, then we'll have to reevaluate. I'm really hoping that if there is a blockage in my tubes, it won't be bad and it'll be cleared by the HSG. I'm a little concerned about the glucose testing, as I do have some symptoms that could point to PCOS. I guess it's better to know if there's something wrong than to be ignorant, though. I'd hate to have to take medication, but if it's necessary then I will. 

I think that knowing everything came back great with my husband's testing has made me worry more than I would have done had we not known his results. I don't know if that made any sense... What I mean is, if he hadn't gotten tested already maybe I'd be less worried about my own results, because there would be a chance that his results might not be great. As it is, though, everything's awesome with him so if there's a problem is has to be with me. That's what's making me dread all of this. The actual tests themselves don't worry me much, but the results do. If something is wrong then I really hope it's something that can be corrected easily.

I keep trying to convince myself that if we can't have kids, it won't be the end of the world. It's not working, though. I think it would be the end of my world, at least. Hopefully not forever though.