Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Back to feeling somewhat hopeful again

Today is CD12 and it seems as though I might ovulate soon. Last cycle I ovulated on CD15, but that was uncharacteristically early for me. I'll obviously be happy if it happens early again, though!

Right alongside the cautious hope I have right now is another emotion: fear. I'm scared that yet another cycle will pass, I still won't be pregnant and I'll take it even worse than last time. Last time was pretty bad, I felt utterly devastated. It seems that the longer this goes on, the harder it hits me each time we fail. Sometimes I want to just stop TTC, but I can't do that because we really want to have kids. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, but I guess we'll take each month as it comes.

We haven't seen a specialist yet, because we keep putting it off. Maybe if we just wait a few more weeks we won't need to see anyone because I'll be pregnant. That's part of it. The other part is I'm not sure how I feel about taking fertility drugs. I've mentioned before that my OBGYN offered to prescribe me Clomid, but she doesn't really think I need it and I'm worried about it messing up my cycles or inducing ovarian cysts. I'm definitely getting closer to the point where I'm probably going to end up taking it anyway. I just have this feeling that it might put us in a worse position than we're already in, you know? But then again, it might work and that would be that. Maybe I can make it to the end of this year without resorting to Clomid; we'll see. I'd much rather my body would just do this naturally, and I do ovulate on my own - maybe I'd have better ovulation on Clomid, though. Decisions, decisions. There's also the fact that if I try Clomid and it's unsuccessful, I'm not sure there's much else we can really try. We know we couldn't do IVF if that was an option, and IUI probably isn't an option because my hubby has wonderful swimmers. No problems on his end. Maybe having Clomid as an option in the future makes me feel better, because we haven't exhausted our limited options yet. I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself here, how ridiculous is that?!

My hubby got home from his business trip on Friday, so things are back to normal here (whatever normal is!). We still have 3 foster pugs. Our new one has a vet appointment this afternoon because he has what looks to be an umbilical hernia. I really hope he won't need surgery, but I won't be surprised if he does. He's very sweet and I'm sure he'll find a great home relatively quickly. We've had our bonded pair of fosters for exactly 5 months now, and we'll have them until they're adopted (whenever that may be). Our new foster will probably be adopted within 6-8 weeks I think, though you never can tell!

6 comments:

  1. Maybe seeing a specialist could help take some of the unexplained out of your infertility? That way you can approach any treatments with more than just a shot in the dark? I don't know. We never did get a clear diagnosis...only maybe a touch of this, maybe a touch of that, but probably neither. But still, I wish that I had pushed harder for more testing. We ended up at IVF, but I don't know that it was necessary.

    Also, I think that even if a SA shows no problems, that doesn't mean that the sperm are making it to where they need to go. An IUI may not be off the table, but it sounds like you'd need more information first. Hang in there!

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    1. Thanks, Sass. You're right, it might help figure out what the problem is. I think I just keep wanting to bury my head in the sand, so to speak, rather than facing this head on. Obviously that's the wrong approach, though. I'll make it a point to call the specialist before the end of the week and see if we can get something set up. I just need to bite the bullet, it's been long enough!

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  2. Em- I agree with Sass, I know it's so hard, this is the longest stretch I have gone with out getting pregnant... It feels like the longest time and it had for me it's been a year next week...Hang in there and do go to the Dr, maybe not try clomid quite yet- it does sound like you don't need it- but man-o-man this is frustrating, maybe see if your lady parts are creating a "hostile" environment for your hubby sperm...Because you have not even slightly got prego's that leads me to believe it's something easy to fix, I've read about people with "hostile" uterus and it was fix with some sort of meds, then Boom, prego....
    I just did acupuncture last night! It was pretty neat.

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    1. Thanks, Ali! I hope you're right about it being an easy fix. Yeah, I would've thought after all this time I would've at least had one BFP, even if it ended in a chemical or M/C (I wouldn't wish that on anybody, but it's odd that with us timing everything right for almost 15 months we've never even had that happen, you know?)
      We need answers one way or another - even if the answer is "it's not going to happen". At least then there would be some closure, rather than just not knowing. Calling the specialist today! :)

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  3. Even after seeing an RE, my diagnosis is still Unexplained Infertility. It's maddening and I hope with each test I'll finally get my answer. But everything always comes back as normal. We tried for over a year (natural and Clomid) without a single pregnancy. I switched to injectible meds and IUI (even though husband has A+ swimmers) and I've had 2 pregnancies (although neither successful) in less than 4 months. My RE doesn't know why, but the IUIs along with the meds seem to work for me. It's been painful, but I feel like after almost 2 years, we are closer than ever to finding what works for me.

    Also, though it's a tough mental jump to start meds, they do work for many women. I'm a clomid baby myself! As long as you don't have PCOS, clomid shouldn't cause any cysts. It's an emotional roller coaster, but well worth the prize in the end. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate!

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    1. I'm so sorry you still don't know what the problem is. Unexplained infertility is just horrible. I'm sorry for your losses, I can't even imagine. It's a cruel world :(
      All my bloodwork came back fine so my OBGYN said I don't have PCOS, but I haven't had an ultrasound yet (hopefully the RE will do that). If he says I need to take Clomid then I definitely will, even though I'd rather not. At this point it's worth a try at least!

      Wishing you lots of luck with your next IUI, I hope next time it works perfectly and you'll end up with the baby you want so much! :)

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