3 posts in 1

Part 1: Infertility Stuff

Today is CD10 and I had a temp rise of 0.6 this morning. I'm 99% sure that I did not ovulate yesterday - I've never ovulated before CD17 in all the time we've been TTC. My cervix was high yesterday but I didn't have fertile CM. I guess something's going on with my temps; it's weird, but whatever.

I must admit I'm getting to the point where I'm just so tired of TTC. I'm annoyed that it took over my life for more than a year. I'm annoyed that after extensive testing, we still have no answers. I'm annoyed that our insurance, which is supposed to cover infertility testing, has denied all of my claims - all of my bloodwork, my HSG, and even my pap smear (which you're allowed to have once a year and is supposed to be 100% covered). WTF?! So now we have to get in touch with them to sort that out, which is adding insult to injury. We checked our coverage before we had any testing done, to make sure we knew where we stood. They covered my husband's testing (which was also for infertility) but they won't cover mine? We're on the same freaking policy, with the same coverage! We're not paying for it when it says in black and white that infertility testing (and corrective surgery) is covered fully. I'm sure it'll be an uphill battle to get our insurance company to cover what they're supposed to cover. I'm going to let my husband deal with them, because I know I'll get really pissed off if I have to call them myself. He'll probably be able to keep his cool better!

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Part 2: Family Drama Stuff

I finally bit the bullet and called my grandma last week. I hadn't spoken to her since before all the crappy drama with my dad (which happened mid-April). After hearing from my aunt that he was "broken-hearted" that I didn't send him a birthday card, I figured he would've already lied to my grandma about me. It was kind of awkward calling her, but I'm glad I did.

I wasn't planning to mention any of the stuff that happened, but she asked what was going on so I set her straight. She was genuinely shocked when I told her how he's treated me, and I said that I've had enough and I will not be apologizing for anything (since this is all on him). If I'd done something I would own it, but I did nothing and I'm not feeding his ego by groveling and begging forgiveness when I've done nothing wrong.

She said she would like it if we made up, but I told her in order for that to happen he would have to sincerely apologize and back his apology up with actions. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions let me know he doesn't give a damn about me. She told me that he said the email he sent me was perfectly nice, and that I couldn't possibly have taken offense. I couldn't help but laugh at that! My grandma agreed with me that what he wrote was definitely not nice, and apparently she told him that a long time ago. Even my friend who usually says stuff like "but he's family!" is pissed at him over that email and the way he's acted. He knows he's in the wrong, but he'll never admit it. That's OK - I'm fine without him. At this point, I'm protecting myself by completely disengaging. It says a lot that after more than 3 months of no contact, the only time he was upset about it was his damn birthday! He doesn't know (or care) what's going on in my life, he doesn't even know if I'm alive, but the big thing is that he didn't get a card and gift from me (after treating me like shit). Textbook Narcissist, seriously. He hasn't attempted to contact me since that nasty email in April. Good riddance!

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Part 3: Everything Else

We've had a busy time with the pugs recently. Gracie lost a tooth on Friday, which wouldn't normally be too much cause for concern with a pug, but the root was horrible and dead-looking (even though the crown was white and healthy-looking). She had a dental cleaning at the vet yesterday, and had 2 other front teeth removed. I'm sure she feels better now that the bad teeth are gone!

Our foster, Milo, was diagnosed with bladder stones on Friday. He's having surgery on Thursday to remove them. Poor little guy! He's about 9 years old so I'm a little worried about him, but he had a dental a few months ago and didn't have any problems with the anesthetic, so hopefully he will be perfectly fine.

On Saturday we had a pug rescue event and 3 pugs found their new homes, which is awesome! After that my hubby took me out for lunch, and then I got my hair cut (which I've been meaning to do for a while). I was sick of my long hair, so I had the hairdresser chop off about half of it. It's a drastic change, but I love it! I haven't had my hair this short since about 9 or 10 years ago, and it feels good. It's not super short - it's just above my shoulders. It feels so much better though, especially in the summer heat! My hubby really likes it, but he was pretty surprised when he picked me up! :)

I spent most of yesterday thoroughly cleaning the house, doing lots of laundry and baking bread. It was a welcome distraction from everything - not just infertility, but also my pug-baby having her dental cleaning! My worries about her weren't completely unfounded - apparently it took her a while to come around from the anesthetic, which is common in brachycephalic (short-nosed) breeds, but I'm glad she's perfectly fine. She did need the dental, so it was a justified risk.

As far as distractions go, I want to do some more sewing but I don't know what to make. I also want to do some crochet, which I haven't done since before Christmas. I need to get back into it because it keeps me busy and I like being productive! I love to make things I can be proud of. Of course, making a baby would be the ultimate production, but who knows if that's in our future. Sometimes I think we should just stop trying and save ourselves the heartache of failure.

Big temp spike today (CD19)

My temp went up to 97.8 today, from 97.1 yesterday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but maybe I ovulated yesterday! That would be awesome for a number of reasons:

1. my period won't come while we're on vacation
2. we've been having lots of sex (6 days in a row up to and including yesterday) so maybe we'll conceive this time
3. it would be a CD18 ovulation, so my cycle would be about 31 days which is much better than 35!
4. it would bring us one step closer to getting my testing done (HSG, glucose test)

I really hope I did ovulate yesterday, but I know it won't be confirmed on my chart unless the next 2 days temps are also high. Fingers crossed!!! :)

Oh, I almost forgot: this morning my microscope showed partial ferning. Huh. I don't know how much I trust it, I guess we'll have to see what my chart shows. I was really hoping the microscope would be accurate, but if I did ovulate yesterday then I'm not sure how accurate it can really be. I mean, the last ferning was CD13 so if I ovulated CD18 shouldn't the ferning have continued beyond CD13? I'll keep up with it anyway, I've got nothing to lose after all!

So I posted the other day that I didn't know how to respond to my cousin's email about their new baby etc. Well, I emailed him back after getting advice online, on how to write a non-bitchy reply. I wanted to convey that I'm happy for them but that we're struggling. This is what I wrote regarding the baby stuff:

I'm so happy to hear everything's going well with you all. It must have been very exciting to feel the new baby kick for the first time! :-)  We can't wait to experience all of those things too, but unfortunately we're having a really hard time getting pregnant. We haven't told anyone but we're going through infertility testing at the moment, it sucks. 

He replied, saying that they know exactly how we feel because they had some testing done before conceiving their first. If what his wife told me back then is true, though, they tried for maybe 6 months before she went and got Clomid (she'd had PCOS for years) and before she started taking it she got her BFP. Now their first is 2 and they're expecting their second. I appreciate the sentiment of what he wrote, but I don't think they really do know how we feel. To try for a year - knowing you're ovulating, charting your cycles and timing everything well - with no pregnancy to show for it. They're going to have 2 kids and possibly more in the future, while we have no idea if a baby is on the cards for us. It's kind of easy for them to say this stuff, right? Oh, and he said to relax and it'll happen. Yeah... I wish! The fact of the matter is that nobody can really say anything that will make me feel any better, so I'm just glad that he responded and doesn't think I'm being horrible. That's a relief, anyway.

With regards to testing: we're hoping to get the semen analysis results soon. The doctor said it typically takes 5-7 days, so hopefully by the end of this week we'll know if there are any issues there. I'm a little anxious about it, because if his tests come back bad our hopes will be dashed. I'm more concerned that I'll be the 'defective' one though - I really don't expect my hubby to have any issues. My mom has an underactive thyroid and that puts me at greater risk of having the same, so that could be the issue. Or my other hormones. Or anything, really. Hopefully we'll know more soon, anyway  :)