3 dpo

Yay, I did ovulate on CD18! I thought I had. The reason for the dotted lines is that I had partial ferning after ovulation. I thought that was weird too, but I don't want to take it off my chart because it did happen. Anyway, I'm happy that I ovulated! :)

This cycle should be about 31 days long, which means my period is due 6/11. That's awesome, because it means I'll be able to get the HSG etc. done before we go away (should be around the middle of June I can get that done).

Now if we could just be successful this time, I won't be needing that HSG after all... What are the chances?!

SA results

As far as I can tell, my hubby has above average swimmers! Here are some of the actual values:

• Volume: 4.0 mL (normal range 2-10 mL)

• Concentration: 107 million per mL (high - normal range 20-100 million)

• Total motile: 287 million (high - normal range 20-100 million)

• Normal morphology: 38% (normal is 30% and above)

• Rapidly progressive: 48%

• Motility: 67% (normal range 50-100%)

• pH: 8.0 (normal range 7.2 to 10)

• Liquefaction time: 60 mins (normal range 0-60 mins)

• Viscosity: High (not sure if this is a problem, as it did liquefy just in the normal range)

All of his blood work came back great too, nothing abnormal there. What a relief! At the same time, it makes me think that my own results will be less than favorable... I mean, with swimmers like that, surely I should have gotten pregnant by now! I'm kinda worried about what they're going to find with my tests, but knowledge is power as they say.

In other news, I think I'm 2 dpo today. My temp stayed in the higher range this morning, so as long as it stays up there tomorrow my chart will confirm it  :)

The results are in

My husband got a call from the doctor's office this morning, his results are all back. All his blood tests came back fine, and his semen analysis apparently came back better than average. We're going to collect the results soon, so we'll see what exactly they say. Hopefully he can be ruled out as the problem, anyway!

More later...

Big temp spike today (CD19)

My temp went up to 97.8 today, from 97.1 yesterday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but maybe I ovulated yesterday! That would be awesome for a number of reasons:

1. my period won't come while we're on vacation
2. we've been having lots of sex (6 days in a row up to and including yesterday) so maybe we'll conceive this time
3. it would be a CD18 ovulation, so my cycle would be about 31 days which is much better than 35!
4. it would bring us one step closer to getting my testing done (HSG, glucose test)

I really hope I did ovulate yesterday, but I know it won't be confirmed on my chart unless the next 2 days temps are also high. Fingers crossed!!! :)

Oh, I almost forgot: this morning my microscope showed partial ferning. Huh. I don't know how much I trust it, I guess we'll have to see what my chart shows. I was really hoping the microscope would be accurate, but if I did ovulate yesterday then I'm not sure how accurate it can really be. I mean, the last ferning was CD13 so if I ovulated CD18 shouldn't the ferning have continued beyond CD13? I'll keep up with it anyway, I've got nothing to lose after all!

So I posted the other day that I didn't know how to respond to my cousin's email about their new baby etc. Well, I emailed him back after getting advice online, on how to write a non-bitchy reply. I wanted to convey that I'm happy for them but that we're struggling. This is what I wrote regarding the baby stuff:

I'm so happy to hear everything's going well with you all. It must have been very exciting to feel the new baby kick for the first time! :-)  We can't wait to experience all of those things too, but unfortunately we're having a really hard time getting pregnant. We haven't told anyone but we're going through infertility testing at the moment, it sucks. 

He replied, saying that they know exactly how we feel because they had some testing done before conceiving their first. If what his wife told me back then is true, though, they tried for maybe 6 months before she went and got Clomid (she'd had PCOS for years) and before she started taking it she got her BFP. Now their first is 2 and they're expecting their second. I appreciate the sentiment of what he wrote, but I don't think they really do know how we feel. To try for a year - knowing you're ovulating, charting your cycles and timing everything well - with no pregnancy to show for it. They're going to have 2 kids and possibly more in the future, while we have no idea if a baby is on the cards for us. It's kind of easy for them to say this stuff, right? Oh, and he said to relax and it'll happen. Yeah... I wish! The fact of the matter is that nobody can really say anything that will make me feel any better, so I'm just glad that he responded and doesn't think I'm being horrible. That's a relief, anyway.

With regards to testing: we're hoping to get the semen analysis results soon. The doctor said it typically takes 5-7 days, so hopefully by the end of this week we'll know if there are any issues there. I'm a little anxious about it, because if his tests come back bad our hopes will be dashed. I'm more concerned that I'll be the 'defective' one though - I really don't expect my hubby to have any issues. My mom has an underactive thyroid and that puts me at greater risk of having the same, so that could be the issue. Or my other hormones. Or anything, really. Hopefully we'll know more soon, anyway  :)

Disappointed

It really did look like I ovulated on CD15:

Not so, after all. I just really hope that it happens soon. If it's not going to happen, then at least let this cycle be no longer than usual so my stupid period doesn't ruin our short vacation.

CD18

I've been using my ovulation microscope every day, and there's been no more ferning since CD13. I really thought I was going to ovulate 3 days ago, I had a big temp drop and then a 0.5 degree rise the next day, but my temp is down again now.

I hope that I will ovulate soon, but I'm not sure if I will. If this cycle is going to be anovulatory, I just hope it'll be no longer than my usual cycles. I really don't want my period to ruin our little vacation! Also, I'd like to get my HSG done as soon as possible.

My cousin (the one whose wife is pregnant again) emailed me a couple of days ago to tell me he'd felt the baby move for the first time. I'm happy for them but reading those words was like a blow... will my husband ever experience that? Will we ever have a baby? I think what annoyed me the most was that before I read that email, I felt pretty damn good. I hate that a few little words, with no ill-intent behind them, can make me feel so low. I don't know how to reply to my cousin; I kind of want to let him know that while we're very happy for them, we're undergoing infertility testing and having a rough time. But, I don't really want to let that proverbial cat out of the bag. I also don't want to sound like a total bitch, or make him feel bad for sharing. But then again, I don't want to keep getting these updates because they really hurt. Is there a way to say nicely, without hurting anybody's feelings, that I can't deal with this stuff right now? I don't want to burn any bridges, but their pregnancy is hard for me (not least because the baby is due around our wedding anniversary in October, and I might not even be pregnant by then).

I hate feeling this way because I must be a horrible person to be upset by their new baby.  :(

CD15 temp drop

There was no ferning today, but I did find out I incorrectly recorded the ferning I did get on CD12 and CD13. I recorded it as partial ferning but it should have been full ferning. I've corrected that now, not that it makes much difference!

I feel as though I'm going to ovulate soon. My temp dropped this morning and that can be a sign of impending ovulation. It could also just be nothing, LOL.

If I do ovulate today or tomorrow, then I guess the microscope was accurate at predicting my fertile time. It's supposed to show ferning through ovulation though, so at this point I'm kind of skeptical. I will give it a chance, though. I'm going to use it every day, even when I'm on my period, just to see what it looks like. If nothing else, it's interesting. It's not like I'm relying on it anyway, I'm going by everything I usually use to determine the window of opportunity - this is just an additional thing. I do want it to be accurate, so I'll be disappointed if it isn't. We'll see!

Staycation booked! Woo-hoo!

After a lot of online searching, we finally chose the resort we want to stay at. It's a great resort, we've been before (just for a day) when my mom and step-dad stayed there last year. There are lots of nice pools and great mountain views. The rooms are amazing and it's conveniently located. It's booked! I'm so excited, more so because it was my hubby's idea. I hadn't even thought of the possibility of going anywhere, other than maybe a day trip or two. It will be so lovely to have a little break, just the two of us with no responsibilities. I love our dogs to pieces but it'll be so nice to get some "us" time. Also, it'll be a good point in my cycle to go and have a romantic break. I should be able to get my HSG and glucose test done the week before, and then I'll be somewhere around CD10-CD13 when we're away which is fine. No damn period to ruin our break!

It's still possible that we could conceive this cycle, of course. If we do then it'll save me from having the HSG done. That would be good timing! I'm not really worried about it but it's not the kind of thing anyone really wants to do, you know? Anyway, right now I don't really care about that stuff too much - I'm thinking about our mini-vacation! Three nights in a beautiful resort, enjoying each other, the gorgeous pools and everything else there is... Bliss!

My hubby said it'll be like a do-over of our honeymoon, which was good but not exactly relaxing! We went to San Diego for a week and spent 5 days going to the zoo, Sea World and the safari park. We were so tired after all that! This will be nice and romantic  :)

A romantic getaway? Yes please!

This morning I was excited to use my ovulation microscope, thinking that it would show full ferning. Wrong! Not one single fern. I tried 3 separate times, thinking that maybe I messed up with the saliva sample (one time I managed to get air bubbles in the sample), but nope. No ferns. I wonder if my body geared up to ovulate and then didn't. I don't know if that's possible with the saliva testing but I know it's possible with urine ovulation predictors, so I guess it probably is with this too. Anyway, today is CD14 so it's not like I was really expecting to ovulate yet anyway. I'm not putting all my faith into the microscope, because I'm not sure yet if it's going to be accurate for me. I find it odd that there was no ferning at all but my CM has become very watery - I'm going to assume I'm fertile now and we'll be sure to DTD regularly until ovulation has been confirmed. I hope the microscope will be accurate but I'd hate to rely solely on that, only to miss our window of opportunity!

My hubby surprised me yesterday by saying he wants us to go away for a few days. It'd be a 'stay-cation', we wouldn't go far. He has a couple of days off work at the end of June so we could make the most of that and have 3 nights away in a nice resort. I've been looking today and there are some good deals available, so hopefully we'll make it happen. It's probably exactly what we both need, a little break just the two of us. We'd have to board the dogs of course (between $60 and $85 per day for our two) and our foster pugs would need to go to someone else for the time we're away. I've emailed the ladies in charge of the rescue and they said it's not a problem. Yay! I guess we can go ahead and book something then! Now I just need to find the resort we want to stay at...

Still partial ferning (CD13)

Today my ovulation microscope was still showing partial ferning, so hopefully in the next day or two it might become full ferning!

I'm really trying not to stress about the results of our testing, but at the moment it's proving to be difficult! I know that it's pointless to stress, because it won't change anything (and there's a chance everything will be fine!) but knowing it and feeling it are two different things I guess. I don't think we'll get any of my hubby's results for a week or so, and the blood tests I had were supposed to take a couple of weeks to come back. I think because I know they have his semen sample at the lab, I'm anxious to know if it's good or not!

This is a weird place to be in. I don't want anything to be wrong with either of us, but at the same time I'd like to know why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. If there is something wrong, I hope it's something that's easy to fix. I don't know what my gynecologist will suggest if all our results come back fine - will she send us off to try for longer, or refer us to a specialist? I didn't ask that question - I guess it didn't occur to me at the time. If everything's fine, maybe we'll conceive naturally given more time.

All this speculating is a waste of time, I know that. Isn't it ironic that I'm barely even thinking about the results from my pap smear, and only really bothered about the fertility stuff? I don't anticipate getting an abnormal result from my pap smear, but I'm scared as hell that I could be infertile. Damn, that makes my priorities seem completely messed up!

Some drama at the lab!

Hubby fasted from last night, and called the lab this morning to verify the instructions for collecting his semen sample. They said he could either get the sample at home or at the lab - as long as we got it to them within an hour it would be fine. OK. He collected the sample at home and we rushed over to the lab (which is almost 30 miles away). After some old woman almost got us into an accident by cutting us off, we arrived a little over 30 minutes after he'd collected the sample. The guy at the reception desk promptly told us they wouldn't be able to test it because it was too old by that point. What?!?!?! OMG, I just about lost it. Well, I didn't but I really wanted to. I told the guy he'd called before obtaining the sample and was told to get it there within an hour. He said he'd check with someone, anyway. Well, it turns out that everything was fine - the guy at the desk was wrong. Thank goodness! So my hubby got his blood drawn for his tests (testosterone, thyroid levels and cholesterol) and handed over the little plastic container holding his "boys", LOL. His results should be available in around a week, so they'll be back well before I even get my HSG and glucose test done. We both feel better now that we've done everything we can for the time being. We went to IHOP for a late breakfast (brunch, really) because we were both really hungry.

I used my ovulation saliva microscope for the first time this morning - it's so interesting! I got partial ferning, which means I should be ovulating soon. The leaflet says you normally get partial ferning for a couple of days and then full ferning for around 4 days (after that it goes back to partial ferning for a day or 2, I think). I don't have fertile looking CM yet, but I think I will soon. I'm really glad I bought the microscope, it's definitely interesting and hopefully it'll be accurate too. I think it's going to be useful because I ovulate on different cycle days every month and this should give me a heads up so we don't miss my most fertile days. We always seem to time it well anyway, but last month I was surprised to ovulate on CD17 and there's a chance we wouldn't have timed it well because of that. As it happened, we timed it perfectly anyway, but who knows if that would be the case every time? Anyway, for $27.95, it was definitely worth it  :)

My appointment today

I had my first appointment with the gynecologist today. Aside from having to wait in the exam room for about an hour, it went very well. She's really nice and I felt comfortable with her. She was really impressed that I've been charting my cycles and she also was impressed that my hubby is getting his testing done too (apparently she had another patient this morning whose other half refused to get a semen analysis done - thank goodness my hubby isn't like that!).

My pap smear went fine and she ordered blood work which I had done right after my appointment. I think the tests were for thyroid and estrogen levels. We discussed the B-complex I take and she's happy for me to continue with that, along with my prenatal vitamins of course. She's ordered a HSG for me too which I'm happy about. I'll get that done early in my next cycle - apparently I can just call their office and they'll get me in the next day or something. I also need glucose testing which I'll get on the same day as my HSG. I'll have to fast before that one and I'll be there for around 2 hours for the glucose testing - it doesn't sound like much fun! I guess I'll take a book or something with me... :)

I wonder if the glucose testing is part of the normal work-up or if she suspects something is wrong. Either way, I'll go get it done and see what the outcome is. There's no point worrying about it, really. It won't be for at least 3 weeks - I don't expect to ovulate before CD17, then my LP should be 13 days, then I'll have my period which is usually around 4-5 days long - and then I'll get the HSG and glucose testing done. We're probably looking at the middle of June, so I can put it out of my mind for now.

My hubby was going to get all of his testing done today as well, but that didn't work out. He fasted from last night and went to get his blood drawn while I was waiting to go in for my appointment, and he was going to take his semen sample in later on (he didn't have time to obtain one this morning because of work - even though today is supposed to be one of his vacation days). Well, it turns out he has to take his sample in at the same time as he gets his bloods done, otherwise he has to see his doctor again for another referral. Oh, and we have to go to a different lab on the other side of the city, too. Ugh!! I wish they would've said that last week, how on earth are people supposed to know these things when nobody tells you anything?! OK, so we're hoping that he'll be able to get his stuff done tomorrow morning, but it's kind of doubtful because yet more stuff has gone wrong at work and even though he allegedly has today and tomorrow off, it's highly unlikely he's actually getting any time off. It sucks!

At least if he can get his testing done before I have my HSG, then hopefully all of our results will be available at the same time and the gynecologist can go over them with us. I'll have to wait until I get my next period to schedule the HSG so I'm thinking if tomorrow doesn't work out for my hubby to get his testing done, then if he can get it done after I ovulate we should be good. Fingers crossed, anyway.

Testing starts tomorrow, and other unrelated things!

I deleted my rant about my hubby's job: it looks as though we'll be able to make everything work tomorrow after all. The plan is that when I go to my gynecology appointment he'll get his blood work done, and then later we'll take his sample to the lab for analysis. Fingers crossed it'll work out, anyway!

We went to the gym today and yesterday and did an hour workout each time. We'll take tomorrow off and go again Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. We both feel a lot better now that we're going to the gym regularly.

I got some good news yesterday: my friend and her family are coming to visit next Easter! They'll be in our state for a little over 2 weeks, it'll be awesome! They wanted to come last year and this year but were unable to afford the trip, but now they've booked for next year so that's something great to look forward to. They'll be staying in a hotel, which is a good thing because honestly we'd struggle a bit with 4 house-guests for that length of time. We'd manage but it would be a shock to the system when it's normally just the 2 of us (plus the pugs!). The husband is allergic to dogs and one of the girls is developing allergies to animals too, so it's definitely in their best interests to stay elsewhere. Plus, they'll probably have a better vacation because they'll be able to do what they want when they want. There are 3 pools at their hotel, too - I'm sure they'll enjoy those!
So we have my mom and step-dad coming to visit (staying with us) from 2/22 through 3/8 next year, then my friends coming from 3/29 through 4/14. Exciting stuff! It's good to have things like that to look forward to.

I ordered some stuff from Amazon on Friday - one of those ovulation detector saliva microscopes, some more HPTs and a book. I was going to order regular OPKs but I figured I'd give the microscope a go, because it's something you can use repeatedly as many times as you want. It was about $28, which I thought was pretty good considering that I could spend $55 on OPKs monthly! This is a one-off purchase so it should be much better value for money. It'll be interesting to see how it is, anyway. It should be arriving around Tuesday, so hopefully it won't be delayed and I'll be able to use it for this cycle. Today is CD10 so I doubt I'm close to ovulating yet; it'll probably be another week at least.

Overall I feel a lot better now than I did last week. I don't know what changed, but I definitely feel more positive. I think it's partly due to the fact that we're being proactive, starting with testing etc. I don't feel worried about my hubby's SA results or his blood work results, because I'm almost certain everything's fine with him. Of course I could be wrong, and I think I'm as prepared as I can be that there could be a problem, but I'm not worrying about it yet. It'll likely be a week before we get his results, so maybe I'll feel apprehensive by that time!

I'm fairly calm about my gynecology appointment too. I'm trying to think positive thoughts - I really don't like doctor appointments but it's something I need to do. I tend to get really anxious when I have appointments (I have no idea why, maybe it's white coat syndrome!). I'm sure it'll be fine though. I hope I'll like the gynecologist and that I'll be able to ask her lots of questions and get good answers. That's all I really want - for her to listen to me and take my concerns seriously. Oh, and to be gentle! LOL.

Research

I've been reading up about what the next steps may be in our journey, and it sounds as though we'll have to get a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). When I go to my appointment on Monday, the OBGYN might order some blood work for me (to be done on CD3 of my next cycle) but if what I've read is correct, that's about as much as they're likely to do. Of course, it could go differently - I guess people have different experiences depending on the doctor they see. I was really hoping the gynecologist could schedule a HSG and do an ultrasound, but it sounds as though that may not be the case. It may have to be a RE who does those things. I've heard of people waiting months for an appointment with REs, so I hope that won't be the case for us if we need to see one.

I guess it's a good thing that we're getting the ball rolling now: if we'd left it another 6 months or so, as I'd originally planned on doing, we could be in a far worse position time-wise. I was 27 and a half when we started trying, now I'm 28 and a half and if we do have to see an RE it could be months before we even get an initial consultation, let alone get all the testing done and start treatments etc. I could feasibly be 30 before I even get pregnant (assuming I do at all). I know that's still "young" but we'd like to have 2 or 3 kids and we're no closer to having one now than we were a year ago. I can't help but feel depressed about it, even though there's nothing I can do to change things.

The only thing we could easily try that we haven't tried yet is OPKs - maybe I'll get some of those and see how we do with them. I doubt that OPKs would make a whole lot of difference though, because we always time DTD well anyway. Also, they can be wrong so we could end up missing ovulation altogether. I check my cervix daily and when I start getting fertile CM we're sure to have lots of sex. I don't think using OPKs would make our timing any more accurate, but maybe it'd be worth a shot. If we do get some I'd rather get the digital ones, they're a lot easier to read. They're also expensive: 20 tests for $55. I guess I'd have to start testing around CD14, and could end up testing through CD23 or even later... I don't know, maybe it's worth a try at least. A box would hopefully last me for 2 cycles, so maybe it's not too expensive after all (unless I end up using them for 30 cycles, LOL).
Edited to add: I just read up on those OPKs - you apparently have to start testing on CD5! Ugh. Might not bother, since I ovulate late.

Hubby's appointment & more

My hubby's appointment today went well. The doctor didn't fob us off, he was very nice and gave my hubby a referral for a semen analysis and some bloodwork (which, if the SA comes back fine, will be irrelevant in terms of TTC but still useful to know about). He's getting his thyroid and testosterone tested, along with cholesterol.

We went to the lab (it's in the same building as the doctor) and they gave us a cup for the semen sample. It's good that he can "obtain the sample" at home, I imagine it'd be quite stressful having to do it at the lab with people waiting on you.

While we were talking with the doctor I asked if he could recommend a gynecologist and it turns out there's one in the same building who he recommended. I went and registered with them and I have an appointment for next Monday. I'll get a pap smear and discuss TTC with them. The doctor we spoke with at my hubby's appointment didn't seem concerned with the fact that I usually ovulate around CD21, he said as long as I'm ovulating it's all good. I'll see what the gynecologist says when I have my appointment. At least I have everything printed out now, so even though I didn't end up needing to show the doctor my charts today it wasn't a waste of paper printing them. I hope the gynecologist is nice and will listen to me. Maybe she'll be able to see something wrong from my charts, who knows?

I feel better now that we're being proactive, anyway. I have no idea what my hubby's test results will be like, or whether I'll be needing testing also (most likely HSG, ultrasounds, bloodwork) but now that we're starting down the road of testing, I just feel more positive. It's weird because I always hoped we'd never need to do anything like this, but we do and that's that. If one (or both) of us has a problem it's better to address it than just keep blindly TTC. Maybe if there's something wrong it'll be easily fixed. It could be something really simple to treat. Either way, if there's something wrong we want to know about it.

As I said to my hubby, if we find out that we're not going to be able to have kids I'll be devastated, but I think in a way it might be easier to find closure and move on than if they can't find any problems and yet we still can't get pregnant. I mean, obviously I'd hate to have to face being truly infertile, but then we'd stop TTC and find a new direction in life I guess. If you find out you have "unexplained infertility" then when do you stop trying? Do you stop? I know you can just "go with the flow" and not prevent pregnancy, but you'd always be wondering if you might be pregnant, you know? I don't want anything to be wrong with either of us, but at least if they know what the problem is it might be able to be sorted out. Not knowing would be torture, I think. I don't know if what I just wrote makes sense, but hopefully it does.

Gym induction... demoralizing.

We had our gym induction yesterday. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but I wasn't expecting to be made to feel like a piece of crap either. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and get fit. I get that. That's why I'm eating healthier and going to the gym. Just because the last time I went to the gym I only went for like 3 months, doesn't mean I won't keep it up this time. FYI, the reason I stopped going last time was because I was in the process of getting my visa to move to the US, so I had a lot of other stuff going on.

The guy wasn't 100% awful or anything, but he said a few things that really irked me. He asked how many meals we eat every day and I said 2-3, because sometimes I don't have a "proper" breakfast or lunch. He made some comment about "well I don't know what you're eating" in a kind of condescending tone - he may as well have just said "well obviously all you do is eat junk food 24/7". I'm really trying to eat healthier, and I've been doing well. I don't need that kind of attitude. At least I'm actually trying to be fitter. He also said that I need a personal trainer because with my track record I won't manage on my own. This was after I said I don't want a personal trainer, I want to do my own thing. I really don't want a personal trainer, but even if I did I don't know if I could afford it. Honestly, I like going to the gym and working out the way I want to. OK so it might not be the absolute most effective way, but I'm not a pro-athlete! If I want to go on the treadmill walking at a fast pace on an incline for an hour, then so be it. Isn't that a whole lot better than sitting at home doing nothing? I burned 715 calories doing that on Sunday: that can't be a bad thing!

I felt a lot better about myself before the damn induction, anyway. I wish I'd just skipped it and done a workout instead of sitting there for an hour feeling worse and worse.

I know that for a stranger's words to have such an impact on me, it probably means I have self-esteem issues. As far as my weight goes, I am very self-conscious about it. I just don't see how making someone feel like shit is the way to go. I mean, I felt more motivated before the induction than I do now. I'm not letting that one guy put me off - I need to go to the gym and make these changes, so I will. It's just quite demoralizing when someone basically has no faith whatsoever in you and tells you you're not going to achieve your goals without help from someone else. I will, thank you very much. How about actually trying to encourage people, rather than put them down?

I'm not morbidly obese, by the way. My BMI is a lot higher than I'd like it to be (about 32). I weighed in at 212 on Saturday, but I was on my period and likely had some water retention going on. I'm usually about 209, which isn't great but I'm 5 ft 8" so I'm not absolutely huge. Anyway, that's why I'm making these lifestyle changes - I want to get fit again. I'd like to lose about 50 pounds, if I can.

After yesterday, I kind of wish my hubby didn't want me to go to his appointment with him. I've never met this doctor and I feel as though he's going to take one look at me and blame all our fertility issues on me. I hate going to the doctor in the first place, so the last thing I need is for them to fob us off today. I printed all my charts and made some lists of things we've tried and when, and cycle lists (dates, O day, LP, duration). I don't know if the doctor will look at them or not, but I'll have them just in case. We'll see, anyway.

The thought crossed my mind last night that maybe we should forget TTC until I've lost as much weight as I can. That would be for at least 6 months, maybe longer. I'd only be 29 then, but I still want to have a baby as soon as possible. We've been trying for virtually a year now, I don't know if I can just quit like that. I do wonder if it would be a good idea, though. Maybe we should take some kind of break because it's starting to drive me crazy. I hate being in this funk, I think about it way too much and it gets me down all the time. I really don't know what to do for the best.

My hubby

Last night while we were eating dinner, my hubby apologized to me. Why? Because he didn't do anything for Mother's Day (from our pugs). I know it sounds ridiculous, but last year he got me a little gift from them and I was a little bummed this year when he didn't do anything. OK, now I've written it down it sounds crazy. Anyway, he said that he "didn't want to remind me of what we don't have". I almost cried because there's no way I can forget what we don't have. I wish I could, believe me. Anyway, I thought it was sweet of him to think about it so much. I just figured he thought it was a silly thing to do, since the dogs are dogs and not our kids. I didn't really consider that he was worried about hurting me. I guess he's deeper than I give him credit for!

He also asked me to go with him to his doctor appointment tomorrow. He's worried he'd omit important info about what we've been doing as far as TTC is concerned. He probably would, in all honesty. He's not the one who's been charting and temping etc. He wouldn't have a clue about how long my cycles are or what day I ovulate on. I mean, I tell him that stuff but I doubt that he retains that information. He's a guy, after all. So I'm glad he wants me to be there - I guess we should be doing this together anyway.

I'm all too aware that 90% of couples conceive within a year of having regular unprotected sex, and that number only increases to 95% within 4 years. It's not very encouraging when we're virtually at the one year mark now, but statistics aren't everything. Maybe those women who conceive within 12 months have perfect 28 day cycles - I sure as hell don't. Maybe they're thin - I'm definitely not. This is why I'm not sure when to get myself checked out: should I wait until I've had 12 cycles? Or is a year of having fairly long cycles (34 days on average) enough? I guess we'll see what happens when my hubby gets tested and go from there. I have this niggling suspicion that if anything is "wrong" with either of us, it'll be me and not him. I don't know why, I just do.

CD4, Cycle #11 (10 charting)

We're loving going to the gym! We went Wednesday (30 mins), Thursday (1 hour), Saturday night (30 mins) and yesterday (1 hour). We have our official gym induction tomorrow so we'll be there again.

While we were at the gym on Thursday, someone (or some people) tried to break into our next-door neighbor's house. They pried a couple of the window screens off to try and open the windows; they tried to get in the back doors using a crowbar; they messed with the electricity box (pulled out one of the wires) and they stole the circuit breaker (or something like that) from the A/C box. He didn't realize anything was amiss until the A/C wasn't working properly - when he went to investigate, he found the bent window screens on the ground and everything else. He's a single dad of a 9 year old son, and the kid is understandably freaked out by all of this. Hell, I'm freaked out and it wasn't our house they tried to get into.

We'd been talking about getting a security door for a while, and Thursday's events prompted us to get the ball rolling. We ordered it Friday, and it's supposed to take about a month to be built and installed. I hope it'll be ready sooner than that, though. I know the chances are nobody is going to try to get in the front door, but it'll make everything much easier generally - we'll be able to answer the door without first having to round up the dogs, for one. Also, we'll be able to air the house out without the dogs getting loose.

We also started using our house alarm. We'd never used it before, but it makes sense to since it's here! I know nothing will stop someone who's really determined to get in, but it might just deter someone. It's LOUD!

Yesterday was Mother's Day, of course. It was kind of a sad day for me, but I hope that next year it'll be better. My hubby has his doctor appointment on Wednesday, so hopefully he'll get a referral for a SA. My period came on Friday so that cycle ended up being 29 days - the shortest since we started TTC. My LP was 12 days, which I'm not too worried about but last time it was 15 and it's usually 13, so I don't know what's going on really. I sometimes wonder if it's a problem that I start spotting a few days before my period starts, but I guess I'll find out when I get tested (probably in 2-3 months time if I'm still not pregnant by then). Today is CD4 so hopefully I'll ovulate in around 2 weeks time. I know that when my hubby gets his SA done he'll need to abstain for 2-3 days beforehand, so depending on appointment availability he may need to wait until after I ovulate to get the test done. If he can get it done by CD14, great. If not, then it'll have to be after O.

Part of me thinks we should just not try this month. Partly because maybe we could use a break, but also because my mom and step-dad are coming to visit in February. They're arriving 2/22 and leaving 3/8. If I were to get pregnant this cycle, my EDD would be around the middle of February. Some people would think "great timing, how wonderful!" but I don't! We've already talked about it (months ago) and decided that when we eventually have a baby, we don't want any house-guests around. My mom and step-dad are staying with us, and that would drive me crazy if I was about to give birth or had just given birth. I don't mind having guests at a 'normal' time, but I can only imagine how stressful it would be trying to 'entertain' guests while sleep-deprived and in pain, trying to establish a routine with the baby, learning to breastfeed, etc. It would be a very bad thing having guests at that time.

The part of me that thinks we should maybe take a break from trying is smaller than the part of me that thinks "chances are it won't happen anyway, so we may as well try. Plus, what if this is our month?" Hmmm. I don't know what to do really. I guess if I do get pregnant this cycle, we can tell my mom they'll have to stay in a hotel. I guess that would probably be rude, but surely they'd understand? There's plenty of time between now and then for them to organize a hotel, it's not like it's next week or anything. Why am I even thinking about this, anyway? More likely than not, we won't have anything to work out because the chances of me getting pregnant this month are probably as good as they have been for the past year - nothing's happened yet, so why would it all of a sudden happen now? Pessimistic I know, but when I get my hopes up it hurts more when I don't get pregnant.

Changes for the better

Yesterday we went and joined the gym. We managed to fit in a 30 minute workout, which isn't as much as I'd have liked but by the time we'd been to the store (I needed some sneakers and we both needed shorts!), then signed up at the gym, it was close to 5 p.m. We're going again today when my hubby finishes work, and this time we'll probably be there for an hour or so. We both felt better after our short workout yesterday, so going regularly will definitely help.

I'm eating healthier now too - more fruit and less of the "bad" stuff. I don't know if the exercise or healthier eating will make a difference to us having a baby, but they're good steps to take anyway.

As for this cycle... it's virtually over now. My temp dropped drastically this morning so I think my period will start either tomorrow or Saturday.

 

This probably sounds terrible, but I'm glad that I haven't heard from my cousin and his wife since they announced their new pregnancy. I can really do without her going on about "how much worse everything is when you're pregnant" - said with a smug smile. Hmmm. They don't know anything about us TTC, but comments like that are a bit of a blow right now. Rationally I know that comment was nothing, but it irked me. Kind of like when people say stuff like "you wouldn't know since you don't have kids", etc. Like I need reminding of that!

Luckily nobody has really asked me recently when we're planning on having kids. I hate that question and all variations of it! The only person who's asked is my grandma, and that was when I called her about 5 weeks ago. If I still had a relationship with my narcissist dad, he'd be harping on about it every couple of weeks. "No exciting news, then?" - very subtle, huh?

Only a couple of close friends know we're TTC, and they know it's kind of a sensitive subject and don't bring it up unless I do first. I haven't even told my mom we're TTC! I don't really know why, because she's nothing like my dad and wouldn't be a pain about it, but I think I just don't want to tell her. Is that weird? Maybe part of it is that I think she might tell other people, like my aunt or my stepdad, and that would piss me off. Plus, she'd probably tell me "it'll happen when the time's right" or "relax and it'll happen", or even "you've got loads of time, don't worry about it!". First off, I'm 28 and my hubby is 30 - I know we're not past it yet, but ideally we'd like to have 2 or 3 kids so we want to have one soon. I don't want to be having kids late, really. Secondly, my mom was 24 when she had me and my parents only tried for 6 months. They never had any other kids, but I don't know why. I don't know if they just didn't want any more, or if they tried and weren't able to have another. I don't really feel like asking, honestly - it would feel rude.

Exactly 11 months of TTC: thinking about possible options.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but I'm pretty convinced that this cycle is a bust like all the rest. Today is 11 dpo and I started spotting yesterday. I got a BFN when I tested yesterday. I didn't test today as the spotting is still there and it seemed like a waste of a test. My period is due Saturday (5/12) if my LP is its usual 13 days, so it won't be long now. I have a feeling my LP might end up being shorter this time because the spotting started earlier than usual. Normally it starts at 11 or 12 dpo, but it started at 10 dpo this time. My chart still looks OK, I guess, but the spotting is a pretty good indicator that we haven't been successful.

I'm going to be honest and say that yesterday was a terrible day for me. I just felt so low about the whole thing. I snapped at my hubby and then cried my eyes out. I really don't like what this process is doing to me, sometimes I can be such a bitch. I just feel like a total failure and this whole thing just hurts so much. For as long as I can remember I've wanted so much to be a mommy, and when we started our TTC journey I never imagined that at this point I wouldn't be pregnant. We know when I ovulate and we time things well every single cycle. I can't help but think there's something wrong, you know? I'm 28 and my hubby is 30. We don't have any medical issues as far as we know. We don't smoke, we hardly ever drink (we might have a couple of glasses of wine right at the beginning of my cycle when I don't temp, but that's it). I've been taking Mucinex for a few months around my fertile time to improve my cervical mucus and we started using Pre-Seed this cycle. We're going to join a gym today and we'll aim to go 3 times a week. Other than that I don't know what else we can really do to improve our chances.

Anyway, my hubby has made an appointment with his doctor for next week to get a referral for a semen analysis. It seems like the obvious thing to do, since it's non-invasive. I'll obviously need to get tested too, but at least if we know there are no sperm issues that's a start. Of course the SA could come back with bad results, but if that's the case we'd be better off knowing. If he's sterile (which I doubt, but who knows right?) then I can stop this crazy cycle of ups and downs. I'd be able to stop charting and all of that, because really what would be the point in that case? I honestly believe if either of us has a fertility issue it will be something wrong with me rather than him, but at least the SA will shed some light on things. There's every chance it'll come back great, and I really hope it does. We're both as prepared as we can be that it might not, though.

We've already discussed what our options might be if his SA is awful, and decided that we probably wouldn't want to use donor sperm if it came down to that. I just don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I think I'm mostly worried that my hubby wouldn't be able to handle it if I was pregnant and it technically wasn't his baby. Plus, I really want for us to have a baby that's part of us both.

If it transpires that IVF is our only option, I don't know what we'll do. We can't afford it (it costs approx. $16,000 per cycle, maybe even more). My issue with IVF is this: when do you stop? Wouldn't you just feel like "maybe the next cycle will work"? You'd have invested so much emotionally and financially, that you might not want to stop until you ended up with a baby. That could end up costing more than our house! Like I said, we couldn't really afford it anyway. If it was 100% guaranteed, then we'd probably make it work. Sadly, the odds are generally much lower than that.

We've talked about adoption and I did a little bit of research yesterday, but it sounds quite daunting. Apparently for every healthy baby up for adoption in the US, there are 40 couples waiting to adopt. Yikes. It can also cost up to $40,000, which is beyond our reach. The website I looked at tried to make the cost seem better by saying something along the lines of "any method of having a baby costs money - hospital bills etc." While this is true, there's this thing called insurance and ours covers virtually everything pregnancy and delivery related. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't cover anything to do with adoption! Plus, adoption opens a whole other can of worms. Some people who were adopted don't have a problem with it, while others have a whole host of issues because of it.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here: as far as we know, neither of us have any fertility problems. If one (or both) of us are found to have issues, they might be easily treated. There's a good chance we'll never need to consider IVF or adoption. I guess I just need to get my thoughts out at the moment!

I think joining the gym will do us both good, it'll be a great outlet for our frustrations. Back in the UK I loved going to the gym: I'd go 4 or 5 times a week. It helped - at that time, hubby (then fiancé) and I were more than 5,000 miles apart and it kept me busy.

I sometimes feel as though my hubby doesn't feel the way I do about our lack of pregnancy, but after talking to him last night I think it's just that he's better at hiding his feelings than I am. He's probably almost as disappointed as I am about the whole thing, but he doesn't get emotional like I do. I get it, in some ways it's not so real for men as it is for women. He's not the one having awful periods, feeling like everyone else is pregnant, charting, taking 2 different vitamins every day, taking Mucinex, using Pre-Seed, monitoring potential symptoms, taking pregnancy tests, etc. There's a quote out there that says something like this: a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she's pregnant; men become fathers when the baby is born. There may be some truth to that, because it's not the guy who experiences pregnancy first-hand.

I really want the whole package - I want to be pregnant and experience the whole thing. I know it's not glamorous, and sometimes pregnancy is downright uncomfortable and annoying. I want to have that, though: to know our baby is growing in my tummy, to go to scans and see the baby on the screen, to give birth... all of it. I really hope it'll happen for us soon.

9 dpo today

I haven't had any further spotting or bleeding since my last post. It lasted for that one day (6 dpo) and that's it. This morning I tested and it was negative, which isn't too surprising since today is only 9 dpo. I should've waited, really. I guess I'll test again in a couple of days at 11 dpo. Who knows how long my LP will be this time... my last one was 15 days but it's usually 13. I'll just have to watch my temperatures and see what happens!

I've been having a lot of left-sided cramping and some back pain, which I read is a good sign, but at this point I've had almost every "pregnancy" symptom in the book at one point or another so I'm not really getting my hopes up too much! I'd like to think that it'll be our turn, but I need to be realistic too. In 2 days we'll have been TTC for 11 months, and each of my previous cycles has ended in major disappointment. That's not to say it's impossible for this cycle to have a different outcome: just that after all this time I'm so used to seeing BFNs and being disappointed that I can't invest too much in the idea that I could actually get a BFP.

My chart still looks pretty good and I'm not worried about my temp dropping this morning. There's every chance it could go back up tomorrow. Even if it doesn't, it's still way above my pre-ovulation temps so it's still OK.

 

Anyway I need to do the dishes, make bread and generally clean the house. Fun times! ;)

6 dpo and a little confused!

So I don't really know what's going on, but I'm having some bleeding today. TMI - it's bright red and maybe a little watery. My chart still looks really good - my temp is still high. It's just kind of strange, and it came as a total shock.

Of course I'm hoping that it could be implantation bleeding; that's one possible explanation, anyway. I don't know what else it could be, but I really hope that I'm not going to have another cycle with a ridiculously short luteal phase. I looked at my chart for the cycle where my LP was only 8 days (5 days shorter than usual) and it doesn't look anything like my current cycle, so hopefully my LP isn't going to be an issue this time.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the bleeding/spotting could be a good sign - that's about all I can do right now anyway!

Excited!

I ovulated 3 days ago, on CD17! Wow. I wasn't expecting that to happen - previously the earliest I've ovulated was CD19, and it's usually around CD21-23 (and has been as late as CD28) so this is amazing! My temp spiked Sunday morning by 0.9ºF, and it's still in the higher range. Saturday (ovulation day) I had spotting which I guess was related to ovulation. We used Pre-Seed CD15, CD17 and CD18. Our timing was very good this time, too. I feel positive at the moment, but I know nothing is guaranteed. 

Here's my chart:

Maybe this time I'll get my BFP!  :)