Pain in the butt - update!

Today started out badly... very badly. I woke up in a lot of pain at 3:15am, then couldn't get back to sleep for what seemed like forever. When I finally got up, it really hurt to walk. The cyst had gotten bigger - just what I needed...

Getting in the car to go to my OB appointment was excruciating, it had me in tears. I didn't see my OB until about an hour after my appointment time (nothing new there, really) but when she came in she was awesome. I told her my history and explained my current symptoms; she took a look and said the cyst looked to be around 5 cm (2 inches) and I needed it draining at the very least, today or tomorrow at the latest. She knew who to refer me to, and had the receptionist call to make me an appointment. This was at almost 12 noon. Well, my appointment with the surgeon was set for 2:15pm! Awesome! Oh and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat, too - that was a nice little distraction from the pain  :)
In the meantime I went to get my prescriptions filled - Keflex and Percocet. I was kind of wary about the Percocet, but my OB reassured me that it would be fine to take temporarily and I was in so much pain that I needed something that would really help. Last night I took one Tylenol and it did absolutely nothing, as I expected.

At the surgery office I filled in a bunch of paperwork, and my appointment was on time. The surgeon was a nice man, he put me at ease and explained my options. Option 1 was to take the antibiotics and see if they helped (he wasn't optimistic about that, and when I had my original cyst they didn't make it clear up so neither was I!). Option 2 was to drain it - I went with that. He explained that he would do it without local anesthetic - yikes - because the anesthetic injection hurts just as bad as cutting the skin to drain the cyst. Based on my prior experience I had to agree - the worst part I remember from my original surgery was the local anesthetic injections (I had to have 2 and they were so painful). The thought of being cut open without anesthetic is pretty horrifying, but I knew it had to be done and I definitely didn't want to leave without having anything done! Let me tell you, the pain when he cut me was absolutely excruciating. He told me I could call him names if I wanted to, haha, but I didn't - I just cussed under my breath a few times. OW! Thankfully the cutting didn't last very long, and then he drained the cyst. It started feeling better almost immediately, because the pressure was released.

The incision is about an inch - it felt about 10 times bigger while he was cutting me, of course! It didn't need to be packed or stitched, I just need to keep it covered while it heals. I'll be seeing the surgeon again on Friday for a follow-up.

I can't begin to tell you how much of a relief it is to have this thing dealt with. It probably isn't a permanent fix, but at least it's good for now. I can sit down again, woo-hoo! I can get in the car and sit normally without yelping or crying my eyes out. Sure, the incision hurts - but nothing like the cyst did. I'm so grateful to my OB for getting me seen today, and I'm also very grateful to the surgeon for fitting me in at such short notice. I couldn't have managed for much longer, and I really didn't want to go to the ER unless I had no other option. Also, if I ever have any problems with the cyst recurring, I know who to go to now - hopefully it will never have to get to this point again! It definitely got huge much quicker than it did last time, I don't think it was ever so painful the first time around. Who knows, though - it's almost 10 years ago, so my memory is probably foggy! :)

I've felt the baby move so much today, even though the Percocet is supposed to make us both drowsy. My OB gave me 40 pills, and I can take one every 4 hours. I'm going to take way less than that, though - I'm thinking 3 a day, max. It'll be good to keep some in case I have another recurrence and have to wait to be seen. It's making me a bit itchy as well, so I don't want to be taking the full amount! I can't believe people take this drug for fun - seriously?! I think I'll sleep way better tonight than I have all week, though!

Please, no!

Back in 2003, I had surgery on a pilonidal cyst. It's basically a cyst that forms at the base of your spine, near your coccyx (tail bone). Well, I'm pretty sure the damn thing is back. I started having pain there on Sunday, and Sunday night I noticed the area was red and a bit swollen. Yesterday I tried to help it by not sitting down much, but it got worse anyway. Last night I didn't sleep well at all, I woke up in pain at 1:30 a.m. and was awake a couple of hours. I sleep on my left side, so I wasn't putting direct pressure on it. I tried using my hot water bottle and that did provide some temporary relief, but not much.

Anyway, my lovely hubby called and made me an appointment with my OB for tomorrow morning. They didn't have anything today. He tried our family doctor first, but when he told them my history they said I needed to see my OB. I'm not sure she will be able to do anything either, but I really hope she can. Maybe some antibiotics would help... maybe not. It probably needs to be lanced - I have no idea what kind of doctor would do that. My surgery was in the UK and the healthcare system is very different over there. I just hope someone can help me ASAP, without causing our baby any harm. I don't think surgery is an option while I'm pregnant (at least not surgery under general anesthesia, anyway). Maybe local anesthesia would be OK, though.

Why did this have to happen now? The timing is terrible! I really didn't expect a recurrence almost 10 years after my first bout of this horrid thing, that's for sure. And during pregnancy? It really sucks.

Relief :)

After my OB appointment on Tuesday I couldn't stop wondering about my blood pressure. I was pretty sure my high readings were due to feeling anxious at my appointments, but I couldn't help thinking "what if it really is that high all the time?"

So to ease my anxiety, we went and bought a BP monitor. I used it 3 times last night - all normal readings (in fact one was a little low). I've used it twice today - both normal readings! OK, so I'm fine. Thank goodness! Big sigh of relief over here :)

I've been feeling the baby move quite a bit since last night. Lying in bed last night the baby was very active, I felt lots of fluttering and little jabs. I don't think it can be felt from the outside yet, but hopefully soon! I'm looking forward to my hubby being able to feel it.

In other news, someone may be interested in adopting Lilly & Milo, the foster pugs we've had almost 9 months! I'm excited for them, but I will admit it made me cry a lot thinking about them leaving us. I really want them to get a wonderful home, but they've been with us such a long time (they're our longest fosters - before them, our longest was like 5 weeks!). It'll be hard to let them go, but of course we will when the time comes. Anyway keep your fingers crossed for them, they really do deserve a great forever home! :)

Lilly & Milo snoozing :)

Update on OB appointment

My appointment this afternoon went pretty well for the most part. I found out I gained a whopping 5 pounds since my last appointment (more than I thought - I figured maybe 3 pounds). That puts my total pregnancy weight gain at 8 pounds so far, at almost 18 weeks. I don't think that's too bad really. My OB didn't say anything about it, so it must be OK.

It took quite a while to find the heartbeat with the doppler; it felt like forever, honestly. I was starting to get worried when suddenly there it was, loud and clear. Thank goodness! Hubby recorded it on my phone and it was about 156 bpm. It sounded great! :)

Now for the potentially bad news: they found white blood cells in my urine sample. I have absolutely no symptoms whatsoever of a UTI, so I was pretty surprised by that. My OB said she'll get it cultured and let me know if I need to be treated. She said it could be nothing to worry about, it could be that some discharge got in there and that's why there are white blood cells there. Gross, I know, and probably way TMI, but there you have it. Hopefully it's nothing to worry about, and if it is a UTI then at least it's been picked up and I'll get treated.

My blood pressure was on the high side again today, which is honestly no surprise to me. I'm sure that it rises when I go for an appointment! It's something I have no control over but knowing that they're going to take my BP makes me irrationally anxious. I try to relax but it doesn't help much. The first reading was 140/70, and they checked it again at the end of my appointment (after telling me about my potential UTI) and it was 140/82. I know that's high, but I'm pretty sure it's not like that when I'm going about my normal business. They'll continue to monitor me since I'm not having any red flag symptoms - terrible headache, blurred vision, lights in front of my eyes etc.

Last piece of news - our anatomy ultrasound is scheduled for January 2nd! I'll be 20 weeks 6 days along by then, so the tech should be able to get a good look at everything they need to see. I was hoping to get the ultrasound a week earlier, but there wasn't anything available. Waiting an extra week won't kill me, though! So 3 weeks tomorrow we'll see our baby again. So exciting! :)

OB appointment later today

It's finally 12/11, the date of my next OB appointment. Right now I'm feeling kind of anxious to hear our baby's heartbeat again. Sometimes I wish I would've just bought a freakin' doppler earlier in my pregnancy. Alas, I convinced myself it could turn into some kind of obsession or could even cause more anxiety if I couldn't locate the heartbeat for some reason. Thus, no home doppler for me. I'm still tempted to get one at times, but I'm almost 18 weeks and will hopefully be feeling the baby move soon.

I think I've been feeling flutters every now and then, which would be reassuring if I could be certain they were the baby moving! I'm fairly convinced that it is the baby I've been feeling, but because they're small movements and not obvious kicks, I'm going to feel more reassured when I hear the heartbeat again this afternoon. I have no reason whatsoever to doubt that everything is fine, but I'm still looking forward to hearing that little galloping noise! :)

I get to schedule our anatomy scan today, too! We're looking forward to having a date for that, because it's always exciting to see our baby and we're hoping to get good news that everything looks great. Also, we'll hopefully find out if we're having a boy or a girl! :) Neither of us has a preference, we'll be thrilled either way. It'll be nice to find out though!

Lately I've been experiencing some kind of lower back/hip pain. It's not constant, it feels like it's probably muscular in origin because it only happens when I do certain things: getting out of the car, standing up from sitting, shifting position in a chair, those kind of things. I don't think it's sciatica, but I'll mention it to my OB anyway. I wouldn't want to take anything for it, but maybe she can suggest some exercises or stretches that might help. We took the pugs for a long walk yesterday and it did seem to help a little. Now that it's finally actually cold here in the desert (high of 66 today, yay!) we can get out and about with the dogs more often. Granted we only took 2 of the 5 yesterday; our newest foster just had surgery last Wednesday (spay, nostril widening and soft palate shortening - to help with her incredibly loud labored breathing). She needs to rest a little longer before being too active, so she gets to stay home. We used to walk all 4 (our 2 plus our 2 long-term fosters) together, but recently it hasn't been so appealing! The last thing I need is to be pulled in 2 different directions while my center of gravity is shifting, haha.

29

It's my birthday today, I'm 29  :)  So far it's been a nice day, we went out for some breakfast and we'll go out for dinner somewhere tonight.

The pugs (we have 5 right now, our own 2 and 3 fosters) got me a cute little plush pug and a funny pug card. Well, I'm sure they didn't go to the store, LOL; my hubby got them on their behalf!

Silly pug card :)

Pug plush

See the resemblance?!

The pug photo-bombing the last pic is our new foster, Kineta. She's super cute and sweet. She was at a shelter in Kingman, AZ (about 3 hours north of us) and was due to be euthanized this past Monday because her time was up. Thankfully one of the other pug rescue volunteers went and got her out. She's only 3 years old and the funniest little girl. She's not spayed yet, and she also needs palate surgery because she struggles to breathe well, so she'll be getting that done soon. She's scheduled for surgery on Wednesday 12/5, but I'm waiting to hear if we need to postpone it because she just started a 2 week course of antibiotics on Thursday. I'm sure she'll be adopted very quickly once she's all fixed up!

I'm currently 16 weeks 2 days pregnant, and feeling pretty good. We've started making lists of potential baby names - thankfully there are a few that we both like, so it shouldn't be a complete disaster when it comes to naming the baby!

I've really been neglecting this blog recently, partly because I don't want to constantly harp on about my pregnancy. I know how difficult it is when you're still TTC and it seems like everyone else is pregnant. I'll never forget how I felt while we were struggling, even if we go on to have 3 kids. I'm sure I've lost a few readers since I got my BFP, and that's OK; I totally understand. It's just a struggle sometimes to think of things non-pregnancy related to write about.

Second Trimester

It's been 2 weeks since I last wrote here; sorry about that!

There's not a whole lot to update with, honestly. Last Wednesday I had an OB appointment and we heard the baby's heartbeat (it was about 148 bpm, which is good). I found out I didn't gain any weight in the month since my last appointment, which puts my first trimester weight gain at 3 pounds. I'm happy with that, it's not excessive weight gain. I wasn't skinny to begin with, so I need to try not to gain a huge amount with this pregnancy in order to stay healthy.

I'm currently 14 weeks 4 days pregnant. Today I finally got my copy of the book, "What To Expect When You're Expecting", out of our closet. I hadn't looked at it since we started TTC. For some reason I didn't feel compelled to get it out until today. Being pregnant still feels a little surreal to me, probably in part because I haven't had that many symptoms. I'm so relieved to be in the second trimester, although it's confusing to know exactly when that starts - some say 12 weeks, some 13 and some 14. Regardless of which week it actually starts, I'm in it now and that makes me very happy!

In early December I have to go to the OB office for another blood draw, then on 12/11 I see my OB again. By then I'll be almost 18 weeks along. Our anatomy scan should be around 20 weeks, which puts us just after Christmas. I'll be scheduling it at my next OB appointment.

I keep dreaming that the baby is a girl. My hubby had the same kind of dream recently too. I know dreams probably don't mean anything, and they're certainly not a good way to predict gender, but I can't shake the feeling that it's a girl. Of course I could be completely wrong! We're hoping to find out at our anatomy scan, if the baby cooperates!  :)

NT scan update (updated)

We had our NT scan this morning. I was soooo nervous beforehand, but it went really well! We got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time - it was 158 bpm today, which is great :)

There was no sign of any abnormalities at all - baby has a nasal bone and the NT measurement was 2mm, which is well within normal range.

Baby is measuring 12 weeks 6 days, and I'm 12 weeks 4 days. We're very happy with that!

We saw the heart, brain, kidneys, stomach and even a tiny hand! It was a truly amazing experience. The tech couldn't be certain, but thinks the baby might be a girl. We don't have any preference, but I've been thinking girl for a while. We'll see at our 18-20 week scan, anyway!

We're in love :)

Looked like baby was waving!

Edited 11/6/12 to add: I completely forgot to write about my SCH yesterday, but I'm very happy to report that it's gone now. What a relief! :)

12 weeks!

I'm 12 weeks pregnant today! This is a day I feared would never come. So far, all appears to be going well and we're so thankful. In 4 days we'll see our baby on ultrasound for the second time. We're hoping for great news - that our baby still has a strong heartbeat, that he or she has grown appropriately in the 4 weeks between ultrasounds, and that everything looks good. I'm also hoping my SCH has gone away, or at least not grown at all.

Hopefully our baby will be moving around at the scan - I can't wait to see that! Of course we're hoping he/she won't be moving too much for the scan to be completed, though. I hope the ultrasound tech will give us a picture or two, as well.

I finish my progesterone supplements tonight, which admittedly makes me a little nervous, but I think everything will be OK.

As far as symptoms go I'm still tired and I have occasional nausea, but it's nothing bad. I have to say I've been very lucky - I haven't thrown up once. That's pretty unbelievable, because I honestly expected to be constantly sick!

Scan scheduled

Our NT scan is scheduled for next Monday, 11/5, in the morning. One week from now. Now that we have a date, I feel kind of nervous about it!

Well, I'm glad it's in the morning so I don't have to think about it all day (unlike our first ultrasound, which was at 4:30PM.) My hubby will be there with me one way or another - his work are usually pretty good about him having appointments, but since we don't know how long this one will take (or whether we'll go in on time, etc.) he might take the day off for it. The NT scan is being done at one of the OB office locations, whereas our first ultrasound was at an imaging center. It's a shame the NT scan can't be done in the same place, because they have awesome hours! (until 9pm, and they're open 7 days a week.)
I think it might be best if he takes the day off so he doesn't have to worry about getting back to work, in case it ends up taking a while. It's about a 20-30 minute drive each way, too, so even if my appointment happens on time he'd be out of work quite a while.

He had a dream last night that our baby is a girl. I feel as though it might be, but only because of the high heart-rate at our dating ultrasound. I know that's not 100% though, of course. Either way, we just really want a healthy baby. That's all we've ever wanted.

Going for it

I got a call from a lady at my OB office on Thursday, who had been told my message was for her (it wasn't). When I called I specifically said my message was for my OB, and I left the message on the doctors' voicemail, so I don't know how that happened. Anyway she relayed my message to my OB so she called yesterday morning. I asked whether we could monitor the SCH by ultrasound periodically and she said that in my ultrasound report no actual dimensions were given for the SCH, which means it's very small. She said it's probably just a little speck, which doesn't need monitoring. So we decided to go ahead with the NT scan, and she said I can ask the person who does the scan to check the SCH if I want to.

I'm a little nervous about the NT scan, but we're going to try and look at the results in a logical, level-headed way. Hopefully there won't be anything to worry about but if there is, we'll deal with it when the time comes. I'm in the process of scheduling the scan now (well, I will be on Monday morning when the office opens). We were out of town yesterday and my cell phone signal wasn't great, so when we got home we had a message on our home phone but it was too late to call them back.

My OB said that between 11 and 12 weeks is the best time to get the NT scan, so if that's the case it will hopefully be done before Thursday next week when I reach 12 weeks. I know it can be done between 11 and 13/14 weeks though, so if it can't be scheduled before 12 weeks we can still get the scan. We're very excited about seeing our baby again, and hoping that everything looks great! :)

Still no word

I'm still waiting for a call from my OB. Ugh, I wish I'd thought to ask about monitoring the SCH when I found out about it at my appointment last week! I was just like "OK, I have a small SCH". That's it! Duh! In my defense I wasn't really expecting to hear that, so I wasn't prepared with questions, but still...

I'm 10 weeks 6 days today: 2 more weeks of the first trimester, and then I'll be happily in my second trimester. I honestly can't wait! I'm feeling fairly relaxed about everything right now, but I think the second trimester will bring a wave of relief with it.  :)

Waiting on a call back

This morning I called our insurance company to find out if the NT scan would be covered: the answer is yes. I then called and left a message for my OB asking her to call me to discuss the NT scan. When she calls I'm going to ask if there's any way we can monitor the SCH without doing the NT scan. If she says no, then I think we'll go ahead with the NT scan. I actually really hope she'll agree to send me for a regular ultrasound, because I'm fully aware that the NT scan can present a whole range of issues and I'd rather not deal with that. I know we probably don't need to do the NT scan, since we're not considered "high risk" for chromosomal abnormalities. I really would like to see our baby again, though, and it would be so reassuring if the SCH is shrinking (or gone altogether).

I'll update when I hear back from my OB, anyway  :)

Still trying to decide

We're still undecided about the NT scan. I'm not sure my reasons for wanting to have it are good enough, you know? Really I just want to see our baby again, looking more baby-like. I'd also like to know what's happening with my subchorionic hematoma. Sass (http://fertilityunexplained.blogspot.com/) had a good suggestion about the SCH - that I should ask for a follow-up ultrasound to check on it. I'm going to call my OB and ask if that would be possible. I feel as though she's probably going to say no, but it's worth a shot. At my appointment I asked if I could just have a regular ultrasound around 12 weeks (not the NT scan), and she said no. I don't really want to get the NT scan just so we can find out about the SCH, but I have a feeling that might be our only option - unless my OB surprises me by agreeing to another regular ultrasound. That would be the best solution, really. I'd prefer not to do the NT scan because I know it can cause a lot of stress and worry. A regular ultrasound, though? That would be awesome!

I've had some more spotting today. I hate that, it makes my heart sink every single time. I always worry that it's going to be the start of something worse... This is the 10th episode of spotting since I've been pregnant, so it's not like it's happening all the time. I feel OK, so hopefully it's just one of those things.

As far as symptoms go I'm mainly just really tired, and I'm still having some on and off nausea. I've been very lucky in that respect, though; I fully expected to have full-on morning sickness, and so far I haven't actually thrown up at all. Being super tired is a breeze compared to puking all the time, I'm sure. I've been having some food aversions, but that's easy enough to handle too. My regular jeans and shorts are starting to get pretty uncomfortable, so I think I'll be buying some maternity jeans soon. I know it sounds crazy saying my shorts aren't fitting right, because we're getting towards the end of October - the truth is, we're still waiting for our high temps to drop below 85. It looks like it might be 84 tomorrow - that would be wonderful! I know I shouldn't complain because it's probably cold in most places now, but the summer here is brutal and this year it started earlier than usual. I know it's been Fall for like a month already, but you wouldn't know it here! I'm actually looking forward to wearing sweaters again!

OB appointment today

I had my OB appointment this afternoon. I found out that I have a small subchorionic hematoma, which was detected at my ultrasound last week. She said it should just resolve itself - let's hope so! That probably explains the spotting I've had on and off. I don't know what size it is, except that it's "small". I'm trying not to worry about it.

My blood pressure was kinda high, also. Since it's always been fine since I started seeing my OB back in May, she said it's probably just a random high result. I feel fine, just tired but that's definitely normal in the first trimester! She had me give a blood sample so they have a baseline, but said that she thinks I'm OK. I really hope it'll be fine.

I've gained just under 3 pounds since my first prenatal appointment (on 9/10). I've been so damn hungry a lot of the time, I'm just glad I haven't gained more than that. Nobody mentioned it so it must be OK. 

I'll be seeing my OB again in 4 weeks time, and by then we should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat! She said we're about a week early to hear it at the moment, which doesn't surprise me. Honestly I'm glad she didn't try to find it, because I don't think she would have been successful, and even though it would be normal at this point because the baby's probably behind bone, that would still probably make me worry!

We talked about the NT scan and she doesn't think I really need to have it. She told us that oftentimes it can cause unnecessary stress and I know that I'm a worrywart as it is, so it's probably better to avoid that. I would really like to see the baby again soon, but the NT scan can really open a can of worms and I don't know if we should go down that road. I've heard of women who've been given very reassuring results and their babies did in fact have Trisomy 21 or other issues, and I've heard of lots of women who've been given bad results and worried for the remainder of their pregnancies only to have everything be perfect in the end. We'll still get the 20 week scan, so if there are any issues they should be picked up then. We're going to think about it for a little while but I think we're leaning towards not getting the NT scan. I really want to enjoy my pregnancy as much as possible, and not spend most of it stressing out. It's stressful enough without adding more things to worry about!

The NT scan and associated blood test gives you odds, rather than definitive results. If you have a high chance of your baby having an abnormality, the only way to find out for certain is to do an amniocentesis or CVS - both of which are invasive and carry a risk of miscarriage. I would hate to have an amnio, and would probably choose not to have it done. Then we'd be worrying for months. It doesn't sound appealing, honestly. If the baby had T13 or T18, those are incompatible with life anyway. T21 (Down syndrome) isn't something we would terminate for. So based on all of that, it would seem there's no point having the NT scan.

I'll be 10 weeks tomorrow, which is kind of hard to believe! I'll be so relieved when I get past the first trimester, but I find it much easier to relax now than I did previously. That seems to help a lot; the time isn't dragging as much.

Most people know now that we're expecting. I kind of had to tell some of the pug rescue people because I'm not lifting things like I usually would, and we had a big fundraiser on Sunday so I didn't want them to think I was just being lazy! I also told one of my best friends (the one who wasn't very supportive when we were struggling to get pregnant), and my aunt. Today I got an e-card from my uncle and his crazy wife, so I guess my aunt told them too. I've told my 2 favorite cousins as well.

Speaking of cousins, my cousin and his wife had their second baby a week ago - another boy, weighing 6 pounds 4 ounces! Tiny! He was a week early but apparently he was measuring small all along. They're all doing well and their older son (2 and a half) loves his new brother a lot. So cute :)

I found out from our mutual aunt (the one I think told my uncle and his wife) by email on Monday morning, and then my cousin called about an hour later to tell me the happy news. He wasn't impressed that our aunt had beaten him to it! She's the one who also told me they were expecting again... I'm seeing a theme here. I guess that anything I want to share about this pregnancy should be told to her after I've told others myself! I know she's probably just excited, but it's a little bit unfair of her to spill the beans when people want to share their happy news themselves. She might have to be the last to know in future!

2 years

October 15th, 2010: our wedding day. Best day of our lives so far! Happy anniversary, hubs!

OB appointment didn't happen

I had an appointment with my OB this afternoon. We arrived and the waiting room was pretty full... My first thought was "great, we'll be here for hours". Well, as it turned out when I signed in I was told my OB had just been called to a delivery, so we had to reschedule. A little annoying, but eh, whatever. Today's appointment was only a routine post-ultrasound appointment, anyway. We rescheduled for next Wednesday, so hopefully that appointment will work out. If any of my appointments had to be rescheduled, this was probably the best one! I would've been upset if my previous appointments hadn't worked out, but we already know that Monday's ultrasound went really well and there's no cause for concern there. I think today we would have discussed whether or not to do the NT screen, but I'm 9 weeks today so we have time for that. I think it has to be done between 11 and 13 weeks, so there's no massive rush to discuss it with my OB.

Honestly, I'm just glad that we weren't sitting in the waiting room for ages before finding out my OB wasn't there. That would've sucked! When I see her next Wednesday, I'll be very nearly 10 weeks... I wonder if she'll use the doppler to see if we can hear the heartbeat. Maybe it'll still be too early for that, I don't know.

I was craving Chinese food (which is weird for me, I never usually crave that!) so we went out to a nice little Chinese restaurant. It was so good, but neither of us could finish our meals so we had to bring them home. That's lunch tomorrow sorted! :)

Ultrasound update!

Our ultrasound went very well, I'm happy to say. I was so anxious beforehand, but as soon as we saw our baby on the screen that all went away! By LMP I'm 8 weeks 2 days, but our baby is measuring 8 weeks 4 days so we have a new due date: 5/16/13. It's only a couple of days ahead, but I'm just so glad it wasn't measuring smaller than it should be. The heartbeat is nice and strong at 184 beats per minute! We're both thrilled. We only got one picture, but the experience was amazing. I can't begin to describe how relieved I am that everything looks wonderful - it's a great feeling after worrying all this time!

Head on the left, butt on the right!

First ultrasound tomorrow

As the title suggests, our first ultrasound is tomorrow! I'm so excited! And pretty nervous - not about the actual ultrasound procedure, but about what we might find out. My hubby thinks everything will be perfect, so I'm trying to take his lead! I'll be 8 weeks and 2 or 3 days (8w2d by LMP, 8w3d by ovulation). I've seen some pretty cool ultrasound pictures from around 8 weeks gestation, so I'm hoping that we'll be able to see something vaguely resembling a tiny human! More than anything though, we just want to see a nice strong heartbeat and an appropriately-sized little bean.

Any positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I'll post with an update tomorrow evening, hopefully with happy news! :)

Happy Birthday, Gracie!

Our pug, Gracie, is 5 today! Happy birthday, sweet baby girl!

Clingy pug

For the past few days, our pug Suzie has been super clingy to me. OK, anyone who knows pugs knows they're clingy to begin with - people often call them "Velcro dogs" - but Suzie loves nothing more than to curl up on or near my belly, and she normally doesn't do that. It could be a coincidence, but I think she senses something. Maybe my pheromones are different, or something. I'm not complaining though, it's nice! :)

A jumbled mess of a post

Today I'm 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. As far as we know, things are progressing just fine. My progesterone supplements seem to be working - I definitely feel more like I did before my progesterone dropped, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I take them at bedtime, and they make me sleep so well most nights! That's a very welcome side effect, I must say. :)

Nausea has started to affect me more, but most of the time I'm OK. I've been resting a lot and taking it easy, especially on the days when I've had spotting. I'm drinking water with lemon slices, which actually makes me want to drink more water, so I'm more hydrated than I otherwise would be. It seems to help a little with the nausea, too. I'm glad to have the nausea, it makes me feel as though things are going well. I know that's really silly, because plenty of women have no nausea and have healthy babies, but it's a reminder that I'm pregnant I guess. It still feels kind of surreal at times - I don't think it will feel 100% real until we see our little bean at my ultrasound, honestly. The days are dragging, it feels as though October 8th will never arrive! When it does, I'll probably be a nervous wreck. I'll be 8 weeks 2 days along then, all being well, so we should be able to see quite a bit. More than they would see at this stage, anyway! A lot of women on my birth board are getting very early ultrasounds, and they seem to cause more anxiety than anything. I'm actually glad that mine isn't super early because I see so many women panicking when nothing much is seen at their ultrasounds and they're only 5 weeks or so pregnant. Unless it's absolutely necessary, from a medical standpoint, I don't see the point in subjecting oneself to that kind of stress. Of course, some of those ladies have been lucky and seen their baby with a heartbeat. I guess it's a gamble so early on!

I'm kind of regretting telling some people about the pregnancy when I did. I know it probably sounds bad, but I sort of regret telling my mom the most. I know she's really excited, but I've stopped telling her about any of the worrying things that have happened. She gets this panicky tone in her voice and I just can't deal with it! I only told her about the antibiotics I had to take, and it was like her heart was in her mouth. This is all over the phone, of course - she's in the UK and I'm here in the US. I haven't mentioned anything about any of the spotting I've had, or the progesterone issue - I just don't want to have to reassure her when really, I'm not 100% confident that everything is OK myself. Does that make sense? I mean, I really hope everything is perfect, but I've read enough (and seen enough in my medical imaging career back in the UK) to know that things can and do go wrong. The first trimester is so difficult, because it's the riskiest time. I manage to think positively about 90% of the time, but every now and then negative thoughts will creep into my mind. I think - well, truly hope - that once I have my ultrasound, I'll be able to feel better. Hopefully we'll see our baby with a nice strong heartbeat, and his/her development will be on track. I hope the ultrasound tech will let us see the screen and give us some pictures; my ultrasound is at a radiology place, not at my OB office, so I'm not sure what their standard procedure is.

I spoke with one of my best friends last week on Skype, and kept my mouth shut about the pregnancy. I'm glad I didn't tell her, because I want to wait until at least after my ultrasound before telling anybody else. Plus, we were busy discussing her plans to marry this Nigerian guy she's known less than a year and whose UK visa is about to expire at the end of this year... When she told me about his visa expiring (back in February) I asked what his plans were, and she said he didn't have one. I had an idea that he would propose, and that's exactly what happened in August. The more she tells me about him, the weirder the whole thing gets. I feel very uneasy about the whole thing, especially because he's pushing her to get married ASAP (I wonder why...)
I know there's nothing anybody can really say to her, but she's very naive and me and our other best friend (there are 3 of us who've been friends since we were 4 or 5) both think the whole thing is undoubtedly dodgy. I hope she puts 2 and 2 together, and quickly!

Yay for progesterone supplements!

It didn't look like I was going to be able to get my Endometrin today, but I called the pharmacy one more time and got the best news: it was ready for collection! Woo-hoo!! The way my OB wrote the script, they were supposed to dispense 1 weeks' worth at a time. That would've meant going back every Friday for the next 5 weeks (do-able, but I'd rather not have to if it can be avoided!). In the end, they were able to give me the prescription in 2 parts. Now I have 3 weeks' worth and in 2 weeks I'll call to ask them to refill my prescription, and get the rest in one go too (in 3 weeks). This way it ends up being a little cheaper, too, so it's a win-win situation! I think we were billed too little in the end, though, so we'll have to ask them about that next time we go in. I think she billed us for 2 weeks instead of 3, because when I added it up in my head it just didn't make sense. I mean I'm not complaining, but I feel bad because the lady might get into trouble or something, and I'm a goody two shoes apparently! :)

I can't express how much happier I am now that I have this stuff. I'll start it tonight at bedtime, as directed. Who knows if it's going to make a difference to the outcome of this pregnancy, but it makes me feel better taking it and that's a good thing in itself. At least I can relax, knowing that my progesterone levels shouldn't be an issue anymore. Phew!

Panic almost over!

What a morning it's been!!!

I called the pharmacy one last time to see if my prescription had miraculously appeared: no.
I then called my OB office, which is supposed to open at 8:30... I spent about 20 minutes trying to get through to them, but got their answering machine which ever-so-helpfully told me to "please call back within normal office hours, 8:30-5:00". I figured they'd forgotten to put their phones on, so I called their other location and asked them if they could call and let them know so I could get through to them. Well, they transferred me to my OB office. I spoke to a lady in the prescriptions department and asked if my prescription had been sent in, because my pharmacy hadn't received anything. She said she would call me back when my OB arrived. This was about 8:50.

I figured I would try to eat something (I've been worried sick since yesterday afternoon, and really didn't have an appetite this morning!) and call them back at 10:00 if I hadn't heard back. Yep, I'm impatient! But considering that this was supposed to have been sorted out yesterday, I want it sorted now!

Luckily at about 9:50, my OB called me. She was honest and told me she'd forgotten to call my prescription in yesterday, and apologized for that. She then said she'd been talking to the RE we saw (just prior to finding out I'm pregnant), and she discussed my progesterone with him. Apparently he thought it would probably be OK (I'm surprised by that!) but he said it wouldn't do any harm to supplement it, especially if it makes me feel better. Yes, it does!!!
Anyway, she said she'd called my prescription for Endometrin in to the pharmacy, and to let her know if there were any problems getting it. I called the pharmacy and they had my prescription - woo-hoo! However, they would have to order it in and it wouldn't arrive until Monday or Tuesday...

I asked about getting it elsewhere and the guy told me if I find it somewhere else, the other pharmacy could call them to get my prescription sent over and that would be fine. I called 2 other pharmacies and they didn't have it, so figured I would most likely have to wait until Monday or Tuesday for it. Then I remembered that there's a pharmacy right next door to the RE office, which I guess is kind of a specialty pharmacy (it's not a regular one, I guess they specialize in fertility stuff). When I finally got through to them, it turns out they have Endometrin in stock and it's not a problem to get it today. It's kind of out of our way compared to other pharmacies, but I'll feel so much better when I get it! I don't know how much it's going to cost, but whatever it is it'll be worth it.

So now I'm just waiting for a call back from this pharmacy, to let me know when I can collect my prescription. Hopefully soon! :)

So frustrated

So my prescription never did make it to the pharmacy last night. I don't know where it could've gone; my OB knows which pharmacy I use. I'm guessing it never got sent in after all. I'll have to call the pharmacy again when they open at 8, to find out if it magically appeared overnight (doubtful), and then I'll have to call my OB to find out what the hell is going on.

I'm terrified that I'm going to lose our baby because my OB thinks I'm neurotic. I just don't see how my progesterone level can be viewed as fine when it dropped so dramatically in just one week. It could be even lower now for all anyone knows. I know my HCG is good, but my OB acted like progesterone is nothing important when it clearly is!

Even if I manage to get my prescription to the pharmacy today, I don't know how long it will take to get what I need. I've heard of people having to wait a day or two to get it... I hope that's not the case.

I just feel like it might be too late :(

Second beta/progesterone result

In the ongoing saga of actually getting my blood test results, which involved about 5 phone calls, a voicemail this morning, and eventually my lovely husband calling this afternoon because I was so frustrated and getting nowhere - three long days of waiting, and the results are both good and bad:

HCG = 5468 (up from 620 a week earlier; a doubling time of about 52 hours, I think)

Progesterone = 7.8 (down from 15.3 a week earlier)

I'm not happy with my progesterone level at all, so I called back and left a message for my OB to call me back. She called within a couple of minutes, and told me that she thinks my progesterone is fine. I know I'm not a doctor, but everything I've read states that progesterone should be at least 15. The fact that it dropped by about 50% in one week really worries me. I told her that it's taken us so long to get pregnant and I'm really concerned that my progesterone levels aren't high enough. I really don't want to lose this baby if we can prevent it! She offered to put me on a progesterone supplement, which I gladly accepted. I know she probably thinks I'm a giant pain in the ass, but at least I'll know I'm doing everything within my power to keep our little one safe. She said my HCG level is great, but I know that's not the whole story. Progesterone is needed to sustain the pregnancy until the placenta takes over, and I don't want it to be low and do nothing about it! She told me she doesn't usually test for progesterone, but my reasoning is that she did test for it (twice) and a low level shouldn't be ignored.

Anyway, she told me she'd call my prescription in to my local pharmacy right away. We left home about 20 minutes later, and when we got there they had nothing. Great... I'll have to call them soon to see if they have it yet. Hopefully they will before they close tonight!

Still waiting!

I didn't want any of you lovely ladies to worry about the lack of update - so far I haven't heard anything! I'm thinking of calling my OB office in 10-15 minutes to see if I can get my results. When I called for them last week I was told I'd get a call if there was a problem; well, I got a call and there wasn't a problem. I know my OB will probably think to call me because she's been really good about that before, but she's human (and busy!) and might not. So, I'll call before they close. I really hope I find out today, the wait is like torture!

__________________________________

Update:
I called and asked for my results... I was transferred to a different extension, which was just a voicemail message saying that any messages left after 4pm would not be heard before the next day. It was close to 5pm, so I didn't leave a message. I think they might not actually have my results back yet, because when I went for the blood-work it was about 3:30pm and a guy from the lab came to collect the blood samples while mine was being drawn. I don't know if he took mine with him or not... If not, maybe my results will be in tomorrow instead. I'm just going with "no news is good news" for now. Not much else I can do, except call again tomorrow! :)

Waiting...

I had my second beta yesterday afternoon. If last week is anything to go by, I'll hopefully get my results tomorrow. At this point there's no real reason to suspect that anything will be wrong, but the waiting is hard! I can't help but feel a little anxious about it. I know that stress isn't good for me or the baby, but I can't relax 100% yet! Maybe 85%, LOL.

My boobs were really sore last week and now they're pretty much normal. I've read that symptoms can come and go, but it's a little disconcerting. I'm a worrier, so the more symptoms I have, the better. Yep, I might be a little crazy!

Positive thoughts would really be appreciated!  :)

The results are in!

About 20 minutes ago my OB called. Yep, the actual OB, not a nurse. I was surprised by that, but I could tell from her voice that it was probably good news. My HCG was 620, and my progesterone was 15.3. She said that's very good, so I'll take her word for it. I'm so relieved! :)

I know next Monday's blood draw will be more important (to see if my numbers are increasing) but it seems like a good start! That call made my day  :)

Can't get beta results?

I hoped to have my first beta result by now, but after spending a bunch of time trying to get through to the OB office this morning I still have nothing. I called a few times and pressed whatever number it was for test results, and got voicemail; I called trying to get through to the billing department, because they're still trying to make me pay a bill that my insurance insist they've paid on 8/1 - which is like 6 weeks ago - and we have the EOBs to prove it. Yep, I spent quite a long time on the phone listening to crappy hold music. Eventually I did get to speak to someone who told me my test results are on the OB's desk awaiting review. I asked if I should call back later and they told me no, they'll call me if there are any issues. OK...

Then I spoke with the lady in billing, who was kind of rude and insisted that they haven't received payment from my insurance company. Well, I told her what they told us: it was paid via electronic funds on 8/1. The insurance company told us to tell the OB office to check their bank account or to contact them, since they have paid it. She said she would look into it - hopefully we will actually get somewhere this time! The stuff they're trying to bill us for is from May and June, and this has been going on since they first billed us in July. I can't tell you how many times we've contacted the insurance company - it must be 3 or 4 times about the same issue. I suspect this time the OB office is wrong, since we now have EOBs saying it was paid. I don't know why all this stuff has to be such a pain in the ass, but there you go!

My husband said maybe we should just go to the OB office with the EOBs and get it sorted out that way. I don't really know what to do, because honestly all this insurance stuff is kind of alien to me since I'm from England and our health care is socialized. Anyway, I think I'll let him deal with all of this since I need to relax and not stress out! :)

Last night I had some light pink spotting. I tried not to freak out, because I know some women do have spotting during early pregnancy (and some all the way through it). It's kind of hard not to assume the worst, though. I had a tiny bit of light pink spotting on Sunday morning, but it really was hardly anything. Last night there was definitely more, but I still wouldn't class it as heavy. I haven't had any pain, and it's never been like a period, so I'm trying to stay positive and hope for the best. Last night's spotting stopped within less than an hour. I told my OB on Monday that I'd had some spotting the day before and she said not to worry. Easier said than done, but I'll try!

OB appointment

I had my first OB appointment today (well, my first if you exclude the times I saw her for infertility testing and all of that stuff.)
It went well; I got given a bunch of information, had a nice chat with my OB and then had some lab-work done. They're testing my HCG and progesterone levels, among other things (I'm not exactly sure what - standard first visit testing, I guess!)

My OB called the RE's office during our chat, to get the full scoop on this mycoplasma thing. After speaking with the staff there, she prescribed a 5 day course of cephalexin for us both. She said it's not something that's routinely tested for, and the evidence of it causing any issues is not very strong, but we might as well treat it of course. The antibiotics are safe during pregnancy, so I'm happy to take them. Evidently she didn't get my message on Friday, but it's cool - I don't think a few days should make much difference. Besides, if it wasn't for our visit to the RE I would never have known about it in the first place!

My first scan will be in 4 weeks - October 8th. All being well, I'll be a little over 8 weeks along by then. It's going to be a long 4 weeks, I'm sure! I just hope everything is OK. I got pretty obsessive with testing - apparently I'm an addict when it comes to peeing on a stick! I confess, I bought another pack of FRERs today. I know, I'm crazy. So far the lines have gotten darker with every test I've taken, so that's been quite reassuring. I know the true test is the beta HCG levels, though. I can call the office in 2 days for the results from today's blood-work. I keep reminding myself that there's no reason to assume the worst, and I shouldn't worry until/unless there's really something to worry about. I know it, but I'm a worrier by nature! :)

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for your support and encouragement up until this point. Each one of you has made this journey a little more bearable. I can't tell you how much it's meant to me to be in touch with other women who understand! So thank you all so much, you're wonderful ladies!

There may have been an explanation for our infertility after all

My husband just got his latest SA results (not that they're necessarily relevant at this point!). We're pretty surprised by the variation in the results from last week and his first SA in May. Of course, the tests were carried out at different facilities and I'm inclined to put more stock into the SA performed by the fertility clinic than the regular lab.
Anyway, the latest results are drastically different (mainly worse) than the first results were. Example: motility. This time it came back at 31% (which is low - it's supposed to be at least 50% according to the report). Last time it came back at 67%! That's a crazy difference. The count was drastically different too. The most worrying, I think, was the % of normally formed sperm: only 3%. Apparently that's supposed to be 14% or higher. His count was 34 million/ml, whereas last time it was 107 million/ml. 34 million is fine, though. The conclusion of the report is this:

Concentration, forward progression, and total motile sperm are within normal limit. Motility is below normal limit.

The proportion of the normal forms (3%) is in a range where fertilization may be compromised.

If this pregnancy proceeds normally, this all might be irrelevant. I just wonder if our infertility wasn't really "unexplained" after all - it could have been male factor infertility all along. I wish the first SA had been done at the fertility clinic! Obviously things can change in 3 months, but he hasn't been sick, he hasn't started smoking, he rarely drinks, doesn't do drugs, doesn't use hot-tubs etc. I'm surprised at the huge difference in reports, but I guess none of that matters at the present time. It only takes 1 sperm to fertilize the egg, and somehow that happened. I think we might have beaten the odds, based on this last SA! 

I also got a call from the RE office yesterday, because one of my cervical cultures tested positive for something called mycoplasma. Apparently it's very common, according to the nurse I spoke with. The RE prescribed antibiotics for both of us, but when I told the nurse I'm pregnant she spoke with the RE and he said my OB should decide what to do about it. The antibiotics he was in the process of prescribing aren't OK during pregnancy apparently, and I guess because I'm pregnant and we conceived naturally he doesn't want to be involved with treating me now. I can understand that, because it's not like we conceived as a result of infertility treatment. I think if we conceived through IUI or something, he'd probably treat me. As it is, I'm seeing my OB on Monday anyway. 

I'll admit I was kind of freaked out yesterday when I got the news, but only because the information given to us by the RE last week mentioned mycoplasma and a link with miscarriage. The thing is, I'm trying to think about it logically: if we hadn't seen the RE, I wouldn't have been tested for this and wouldn't have known I have it. Surely lots of people are walking around with this thing and have no idea. I've never had any symptoms of anything! Anyway, ignorance is bliss in a way - but knowledge is power. I'll find out on Monday if we need treatment, or if it's OK to leave it alone. I don't want anything to cause problems with the pregnancy, obviously. I'll do whatever I need to do to protect this little bean. I've left a voicemail message for my OB this morning, asking if mycoplasma is something that requires urgent treatment or not. I know I'm a worrier, and waiting until Monday is most likely fine, but I just want to hear that from my OB. :)

The blog

I find myself unsure of what to do with the blog. It started out as a TTC blog, then became an IF blog, and now..? Since most (if not all) of my followers are battling IF, it seems somehow wrong to turn this place into a pregnancy blog. I know how much some of your comments have helped me through the hard times, and I really don't want to alienate any of you. Maybe I should create a separate page for pregnancy updates. 

12 dpo and more tests!

This morning I tested again - not because I didn't believe the 3 tests I took yesterday, but because I wanted to see if the lines would get darker. I didn't know if they would or not, since it was a little under 24 hours since the first tests, but I figured I'd give it a shot as a little experiment! Well, today's Wondfo and FRER were definitely darker than yesterday's.

Then I got a crazy idea to use a digital test (I picked some up last night). I didn't really expect that one to come up positive because I've heard they're less sensitive than the line tests, so you can imagine my surprise when the word "Pregnant" popped up within about a minute! That made my day, really. I don't know why, but seeing the word seemed to make it feel more real somehow. I know that sounds nuts, and it probably is! :)

I'm looking forward to my first appointment on Monday. My OB is really nice, I like her. When we went to get the results from our infertility testing back in June, she said she wouldn't be surprised if I was pregnant by Christmas. I totally didn't believe her then, but she was right! If we're lucky and everything goes well, I'll be about 19 weeks at Christmas. We might know the gender by then!

This is all so surreal. Yesterday I felt like I was dreaming and would wake up to realize none of this happened. When I woke up this morning, it had sunk in a little more. It's hard to wrap my head around it after all this time of nothing happening, but I'm trying to enjoy every moment of this. I know it's very early days and lots of things can go wrong, but I'm not letting myself think about that too much! Positive thoughts only! :)

Betas: what would you do?

OK, so apparently to get my betas done with the OB, I have to first have an appointment with her. That's scheduled for Monday (9/10). I'm so tempted to just go to the RE today and get my betas done, though. So I'm asking you all, what would you do? Is there any real need to rush to get the betas done? Will 6 days really make that much of a difference? (Answer: it might only be 6 days, but I want to know now!!) Should I just be satisfied with my HPTs until I can see my OB? What do most women do? I've never had to think this far ahead before!

Also, for those of you who are/have been pregnant, what do they typically do at your first appointment? I'll only be about 4 weeks 2 days along on Monday, so it's too early for an ultrasound and there won't be any heartbeat to hear! Do they just palpate your pelvis or something? I really thought OBs didn't see you until 8-10 weeks, so I'm pretty surprised that I'll be seeing her so soon.

Oh my God...

I apologize if this post upsets anybody. That's really not my intention.

Today is 11 dpo. I woke up and lay in bed for a while, trying to decide whether to take a test or not. I almost didn't, but since I haven't had any spotting I thought I'd give it a go and used a cheapy. I couldn't believe my eyes when those 2 pink lines showed up. I'm officially in shock! I really never thought I'd be able to go to my husband and say "I'm pregnant!". I was due to start clomid with my next cycle. I'm so shocked, I don't even know what to do. Fifteen months of BFN after BFN, and now a BFP? For me? OMG. Of course I took a First Response Early Result and that was positive too. Faint, but definitely there. Pink, not an evap or anything. I took another cheapy as well, I don't know why I did that but yep, positive also. OMG! I took about a million photos of the HPTs, of course. It was hard to get good pics, but the lines are definitely there.

As far as symptoms go, I don't feel any different to how I always do after ovulation. My boobs have been a little tender, but that's nothing unusual at this point in my cycle. Other than that, I've been a little bloated and quite gassy (normal for me after O - sorry, TMI.)
I've been tired, but that usually happens after O too. I'm stunned!

I guess the next step is to go in for a beta. I'm shaking right now, I really didn't think this was going to happen for us naturally. I'm so happy, very excited and absolutely terrified too. I know 2 pink lines doesn't always equal a baby, but I'm not letting myself think those thoughts. I need to be calm, and think positive thoughts. I really hope it's a healthy, sticky bean.

My EDD should be somewhere around May 18th, 2013.

If anybody is interested, this is how my chart looks:

Second SA

We went to the fertility clinic this morning so my hubby could do another semen analysis. There were no real issues with his first one, but the fertility clinic will do a more detailed analysis so it's worth having it done again. The poor guy was in that room for like 30 minutes. I thought he wasn't going to be able to do it (the last one was done at home, so I think he had some pressure on him today which is understandable!)
I only went with him because with 2 of us in the car he could use the HOV lane on the freeway, since we had to be there by 8:30 and thought the traffic might be bad. It actually wasn't bad at all; maybe a lot of people took the day off to make it an even longer weekend! Typical, haha.

Anyway, that's done now so hopefully we might get the results by the end of next week. I'm not sure if the holiday weekend will affect processing - probably. So maybe the week after. Either way, we're expecting decent results based on his first SA, so we're not really concerned about it.

My chart is acting up and randomly changing my ovulation day. This morning it decided I ovulated on CD18 (3 days ago) but I'm sure that's wrong, based on CM etc. Well, when I changed the detector setting to "FAM" it reverted to CD14. I have no idea anymore! All I know for sure is that I have ovulated at some point, LOL.

I ordered some OPKs from Amazon today. Since I'll be taking Clomid next cycle, I want to be as sure as possible when I'm going to ovulate. I'm sure we'd be OK without the OPKs, but I feel like I should use them to maximize our chances since I'll be taking drugs!

It's weird, after our appointment on Wednesday I felt great - I was confident that I'd be pregnant soon. Today, I feel differently for some reason. I don't even know why, it's weird. I think I'm worried that Clomid won't be the answer, and then our options will be quickly running out. I know I should think positively, but sometimes I find that hard to do! I'm still holding out some hope that maybe we'll be lucky this cycle - I really hope we are, so I don't have to take Clomid at all - but based on all my previous cycles I can't be too optimistic this time around. I'm somewhere between 3 and 7 dpo (I think I'm closer to 7 dpo), so I know it's going to be another week at least before we know for sure whether this cycle has been a success. Fingers crossed!!!

In other news, someone is interested in adopting our latest foster pug, Cimon! I really hope it works out for him! I should know more on Sunday, when we're doing their home visit for them. :-)

First Appointment with the RE

We just got back from our appointment with the RE - and I'm happy to say it went really well! I was so freaking nervous before the appointment, but the fertility clinic staff are all so lovely and the doctor is really nice too. I asked a ton of questions of course, and he was really helpful. After talking for a while he did a transvaginal ultrasound, and everything looked great. No cysts on my ovaries and my uterus looks good too. He also took some cultures from my cervix. He described my cycles as "irregularly regular" - meaning that I ovulate regularly but my cycle length varies quite a lot, which is true (27-37 days, quite a variation). He said he wants me to try Clomid for 3 cycles, starting next cycle (if I'm not pregnant this cycle). After my first Clomid cycle he'll do another ultrasound to make sure I don't have any cysts, then I can take the Clomid again and so on. I think we might end up doing timed intercourse if the first Clomid cycle doesn't work, although he did say that we're having plenty of sex - our issue's not a lack of trying!

If I'm not pregnant this cycle I have to go in next CD2 or CD3 for bloodwork - they'll check my ovarian reserve and egg quality. He said my gynecologist was very thorough with the testing she did back in May/June, so that's good. He's not expecting any issues with my CD2/3 bloodwork, and he said it's looking like we fall into the unexplained infertility category. We discussed my husband's semen analysis, which he said looked fine but it wouldn't hurt to have another one done at the fertility clinic. That's scheduled for Friday morning, so that's good. Our insurance will cover it so that's not a concern, and it'll be interesting to see if anything's changed in the last few months. The last one was done at home and then rushed to the lab 40 minutes away (the lab told us as long as it was there within an hour it'd be OK). Well, the fertility clinic staff said he could get the sample at home as long as he gets it to the clinic within 30 minutes, which is do-able, but he's just going to do it at the clinic anyway. It's better to get it to them as "fresh" as possible, I think.

If Clomid doesn't work, or if they find any issues with the new SA, then we might end up doing IUI. It looks as though that would cost around $1000 per cycle, including ultrasounds, so that's not too bad really. We could do that - it's IVF we couldn't afford to do. The doctor is very optimistic that the Clomid will work, though, so hopefully we won't end up having to do IUIs at all. His confidence is rubbing off on me: I feel like maybe I will actually be pregnant soon.

We talked a little about laparoscopy, and he said that it might be something we could look into at a later date. He gave me information about it, and showed me some surgery images on the computer. I hope I won't need to have a laparoscopy, but if I do then I will of course.

I asked him about charting BBT, and he said he's happy for his patients to do it if they want to. He said it's not good for predicting ovulation, which I know of course, but it doesn't do any harm to use it to confirm ovulation. I'll probably keep it up for a while then I guess, although I'm not sure if Clomid messes with your temperatures... I guess I'll find out!

I feel a lot better now that we've been to our first appointment - I was so tense and stressed this morning, even though I really tried to calm myself down. I don't know why I get that way, but I do - maybe I have white coat syndrome! Now that we've been once, I think I'll be fine going again. I was just really worried that the doctor would be condescending, rude or dismissive. He was really friendly and nice, but he obviously knows his stuff too. That's exactly what I wanted - a doctor who knows what he's doing, but is still human and personable.

I have a massive headache now, I think because of all the adrenaline racing around my body. I wish I didn't get so stressed out about seeing new doctors!

Oh and here's my chart for this cycle - I ovulated on CD14 for the first time ever  :)

Really?!

Today when I updated my chart, I was informed that I'm 3 dpo now. Um, yeah... I don't think so! Pretty sure that the interpretation will change in the next few days! If I change the detector setting to "FAM" it gets rid of the crosshairs. I think that if I have ovulated already, it was more likely to be CD14 than CD13. Still, I had way more EWCM yesterday than I did on CD13 so I'm not convinced that it's happened at all yet. I guess we'll find out soon. This is how my chart looks at the moment (I got a free trial of the VIP features for a few days, apparently.)

I'm kind of looking forward to our appointment with the specialist on Wednesday. I'm sure when the time comes I'll be nervous as hell, but I really want some answers! I discussed my LP with my gynecologist, and she said that it was fine and that the spotting I have for a few days before AF is nothing to worry about. I've been wondering though if it is an issue, though, so I'll definitely be bringing it up with the specialist at our appointment. I'm hoping that he might do an ultrasound, and possibly a blood test to check my progesterone levels. I should get my AMH tested too; I think that's about the only bloodwork I haven't had yet. I already had FSH, TSH, testosterone, LH and a bunch of others including a 2-hour glucose tolerance test.

Can anybody think of anything else I should ask him to test for?

Finally took the plunge!

This afternoon my lovely husband phoned the fertility clinic to make us an appointment. We're scheduled for next Wednesday morning. Maybe this will lead to us getting some answers at long last! There are some additional tests the fertility specialist can run, but they probably won't be doing them next week (it'll be CD19 when we go in).

I feel as though I'm going to ovulate soon... I hope I'm right! It's only CD13, but all the signs indicate ovulation being imminent; I even had EWCM today, which I don't tend to see all that often (I always get watery CM during my fertile time).  Fingers crossed, anyway!  :)

Happy Birthday, Puglin :)

Today it's Suzie's 3rd birthday! Happy Birthday, little pug! We love you so much, sweetie.

Back to feeling somewhat hopeful again

Today is CD12 and it seems as though I might ovulate soon. Last cycle I ovulated on CD15, but that was uncharacteristically early for me. I'll obviously be happy if it happens early again, though!

Right alongside the cautious hope I have right now is another emotion: fear. I'm scared that yet another cycle will pass, I still won't be pregnant and I'll take it even worse than last time. Last time was pretty bad, I felt utterly devastated. It seems that the longer this goes on, the harder it hits me each time we fail. Sometimes I want to just stop TTC, but I can't do that because we really want to have kids. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, but I guess we'll take each month as it comes.

We haven't seen a specialist yet, because we keep putting it off. Maybe if we just wait a few more weeks we won't need to see anyone because I'll be pregnant. That's part of it. The other part is I'm not sure how I feel about taking fertility drugs. I've mentioned before that my OBGYN offered to prescribe me Clomid, but she doesn't really think I need it and I'm worried about it messing up my cycles or inducing ovarian cysts. I'm definitely getting closer to the point where I'm probably going to end up taking it anyway. I just have this feeling that it might put us in a worse position than we're already in, you know? But then again, it might work and that would be that. Maybe I can make it to the end of this year without resorting to Clomid; we'll see. I'd much rather my body would just do this naturally, and I do ovulate on my own - maybe I'd have better ovulation on Clomid, though. Decisions, decisions. There's also the fact that if I try Clomid and it's unsuccessful, I'm not sure there's much else we can really try. We know we couldn't do IVF if that was an option, and IUI probably isn't an option because my hubby has wonderful swimmers. No problems on his end. Maybe having Clomid as an option in the future makes me feel better, because we haven't exhausted our limited options yet. I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself here, how ridiculous is that?!

My hubby got home from his business trip on Friday, so things are back to normal here (whatever normal is!). We still have 3 foster pugs. Our new one has a vet appointment this afternoon because he has what looks to be an umbilical hernia. I really hope he won't need surgery, but I won't be surprised if he does. He's very sweet and I'm sure he'll find a great home relatively quickly. We've had our bonded pair of fosters for exactly 5 months now, and we'll have them until they're adopted (whenever that may be). Our new foster will probably be adopted within 6-8 weeks I think, though you never can tell!

I'm still alive, even if I feel dead on the inside!

Last time I posted I was so depressed... so angry with life. After a couple of days I started to feel better, but it seems like with every passing month the feeling of despair just gets worse.

My husband gets really disappointed when all I get is BFNs, but he doesn't have the same feeling of total and utter devastation that I get. I understand, it's different for men to some extent. He says the worst thing for him is seeing me so upset and not being able to make me feel any better. He suggested that maybe we should see an infertility counselor. I guess it's probably a good idea. I don't have too many awful days, but the bad days I do have can be pretty terrible. I think we'll be making an appointment soon. We also need to go and see a fertility specialist. There are a couple of additional tests I could have run, maybe one of those would shed more light on why we're not conceiving. Maybe not, too. At this point, I just wish someone could tell me if we're ever going to have a baby. If the answer was "no" then I could try to move on. As it stands, there's this cycle of hope and despair and I don't feel like we can give up yet because maybe something will happen soon. Sometimes I really do feel like just quitting TTC, but I know I can't do that yet.

I chatted with one of my best friends on Skype yesterday, and she's one of the few people IRL who I've told about this stuff. Well, she means well but she really doesn't get it. I know she can't possibly truly understand, because she's not at a point in her life where she's TTC. Some of the stuff she's come out with, though, is super frustrating. She told me that someone she knows couldn't get pregnant, and she went on vacation to a tropical island and came back pregnant. Then she told me that she knows someone who tried for 2 years before getting pregnant. OK, so I know we haven't been trying for that long, but when 12 months of TTC with no pregnancy is the definition of infertility, of course I'm frustrated after 14 months! I explained that we even know we've timed everything right every single time, so it's even more frustrating - it's not like we're missing our chance, you know?

She then said that "There are people much worse off!". Yes, thanks for that; like I don't know that?! I used to work in a hospital, with terminally ill patients. I get that things "could be worse". I know. It really doesn't make me feel any better about our situation, though. All I could say was "There's always someone worse off! Anytime anybody complains about anything, there's always someone in a worse position. If you were going through this, you'd understand how I feel". And honestly, I hope she never does have to go through this because it freaking sucks. I said, "For someone who's always wanted to have children, not being able to even get pregnant is a terrible thing". I told her that we have no idea if we'll ever have a baby, and she said "Don't say that, it makes me sad when you say things like that". Then she admitted that she knows I have to be realistic. I told her that all the positive thinking in the world isn't going to get me pregnant - and that it ends up making me feel worse, because it inevitably gets my hopes up. I explained how people saying things like "relax!" isn't helpful, and she said that it's better than saying something like "I'll pray for you". Well, all I really want people to say is "I'm so sorry, I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it". I explained that I know nothing anybody says is going to change our situation, but minimizing the problem isn't the right thing to do. Anyway, I think after talking she understood a little more. Although she did suggest that we could use a surrogate... I wonder if the next "helpful advice" will be, "Why don't you just adopt?!".

This week my hubby is away on business, so it's just me and the dogs. I managed to persuade him to agree to taking in another foster pug, so we picked him up on Saturday. I know I must be crazy, because now we have 2 pugs of our own and 3 fosters. Oh well! The fact is that pug rescue has to spend quite a lot of money boarding pugs when there are no foster spaces available, and that money would obviously be better spent on vet bills. The cost to board one pug for a week could pay for a dental cleaning, so when you look at it that way it's better that we took one extra. We won't be able to take any more, though, until someone gets adopted. We actually had 6 pugs on Saturday night, because we picked up another from boarding at the same time as our new foster (he went to a different foster home on Sunday). That was really tough and I don't want to do that again! It was OK because we knew the 6th one was only staying for one night, but it was hard work.

Our new foster has been kind of difficult because he hasn't wanted to eat much, and he had 4 medications when we got him which required him to eat! I was seriously frustrated the first few days because he wouldn't really eat and wouldn't take his pills without a fight. Pill Pockets would work occasionally, but not consistently. I had to resort to using a pill dispensing syringe, which he obviously hated. Thankfully since yesterday he's eaten better and taken his pills better. It helps that now he only has to take 1 pill a day, rather than 4. He had a dental last week and had to have 18 teeth removed (poor baby!) so he had antibiotics and painkillers for that. He also has a skin infection on his face, so he has a pill for that too. That's the only one left now, so that's a relief.

His name is Cimon - Simon with a "C", because we've had other "Simons" in rescue and it gets really confusing with vet records etc. if we have multiple dogs with the same name! Unfortunately, my stupid ex was also named Simon. Luckily this "Cimon" is a million times sweeter, LOL.

My hubby left on Sunday morning, then I had the pug adoption event to run (we had an adoption, yay!) and by the time I got home I was so tired. I spent most of Monday and a couple of hours on Tuesday sewing, then cleaned the house because my friend was coming over for dinner Tuesday night. I made a pizza which turned out great :) She brought cupcakes for us from this little bakery, they were so good!

I think I'll try to organize the "baby room" today and hopefully get some ideas together for my craft room. It's senseless to have the room sitting there with no real purpose. We moved in almost a year ago and we've never used the room for anything other than random storage. At this point there's really no point in keeping it for some theoretical baby that doesn't exist... so screw it, I'm going to transform it into a useful, happy space.

I think I'm done.

We've been TTC for 14 months now, and we have absolutely nothing to show for it. Well, nothing except for lots of frustration, sadness and disappointment. Not even 1 BFP: nothing. All of our test results were perfect, and that's frustrating as hell because we have no answers at all. What are we supposed to do? Keep trying until I hit menopause? There's no closure, no peace; only unanswered questions and grief. All I know is I can't do this for much longer.

I'm only 10 dpo and I already know I'm out. I knew it yesterday, I just had that feeling when you know you're going to get your period. It's not even due until Sunday, but I know it's coming. Last night before bed I started spotting, and it just confirmed what I already knew: I'm not pregnant. All the supposedly promising symptoms I had - the sore boobs, nausea and fatigue - were just progesterone messing with me as usual.

I've probably mentioned before that when we bought this house almost a year ago, we made the mistake of labeling one of the bedrooms "the baby room". We've never done anything with that room, because it was supposed to be a nursery. We'd been TTC for a few months when we moved in, so we figured I'd be pregnant within the next few months. How wrong we were... Anyway, I can't stand to look at that room now. We use it as kind of a storage room, but we could easily put the stuff that's in there somewhere else. I think I'm going to turn it into a craft room, so I can at least use it for something. I might do it when my hubby is away, it'll keep me occupied for a while. At least it would keep all my craft stuff together in one place, away from the dogs and off the dining table. Maybe I can get a proper sewing table; that would make sewing easier because everything would be at the right height. I also want to get a comfy chair in there too, so I can crochet in peace. I can do that on the couch, but the dogs can get in the way and try to play with the yarn so it's not always easy.

I think there's a small part of me that thinks, "maybe if I do something with that room, I'll miraculously get pregnant - it would be typical, right?". If that happened, we'd be able to move the craft stuff out of there. It wouldn't be an issue, the house is almost 2200 sq. ft. after all. I sometimes wish we hadn't bought such a big place. We were planning on having kids here, so we'd grow into it. The big front room was going to be used as a playroom; instead, we hardly ever use it for anything. There's only the 2 of us and the pugs; we don't need all this space. We don't even have people over very often: my family (and the majority of my friends) are all in the UK, and my hubby's family, well... his mom is a freaking cray-cray who we can't have a relationship with for our own sanity, and we don't see his brother these days. His dad is OK and will probably be over in the next couple of weeks or so, but that's it.

I find myself wanting to adopt another pug, but I know it wouldn't fill the void in our lives. Part of the reason we haven't adopted another is because if we do have a baby, 3 dogs of our own would probably be a lot to manage on top of everything else. We could put fostering on hold until things calmed down a bit, but we couldn't do that with our own dogs obviously. I know I shouldn't adopt another, but part of me thinks that if we can't have a baby then why the hell not! Three dogs is cheaper than having a kid, even when you factor in unexpected vet bills etc. I don't think my hubby would agree to adopting another, anyway, so it doesn't matter what my heart is telling me. I haven't mentioned this to him because I know the answer will be a resounding "NO!" Plus, like I said, it's not going to fill the void of not having a baby. I just need to put the thought out of my mind and stop letting my emotions govern me.