Could it be?

Yesterday was CD15 and I had loads of cramping and some spotting. This morning I had a temp rise of 0.4. I think I ovulated - but I don't want to get too excited yet, because in all my 13 months of charting the earliest I've ever O'd is CD17. I know it could be a fluke temp, but I would love it if I ovulated already! My gynecologist said that when I ovulate isn't an issue, but I know some fertility specialists prefer ovulation to happen before CD18. A part of me thinks that somehow we might have a better chance if I ovulate sooner. Who knows? At least it's less waiting - I hate waiting 3 weeks just to ovulate!

Today was a pretty decent day. I talked to one of my best friends on Skype, and then I phoned my cousin and we had a nice long chat. I spoke to his wife first and asked her how the pregnancy is going - everything is fine, so that's good. She must be around 29 or 30 weeks now, the baby is due in the middle of October. I really hope that by then we'll have some happy news of our own to share... I (foolishly) looked up what my EDD would be if we get lucky this cycle, and if it does happen I'd be about 14 weeks along by that time. I know I shouldn't do that to myself, but I do this every month for some reason!

Anyway, I'm happy for them that they're having another baby. I just wish we could be so lucky ourselves. This is one of the things about unexplained infertility - there's no reason to think we won't conceive this cycle (well, aside from the fact that we never have yet), so I guess I should be optimistic. Maybe this cycle will be the one.

Just what I needed: Pug Therapy!

You know, it's funny how things work out sometimes. I was so sad earlier today, but then we took our pugs to the local pet store and they had a little adoption event going on. They had a basset hound, a chihuahua and... a pug! Of course I was wearing a black tank top, thinking that I wouldn't be holding our pugs so the crazy shedding wouldn't be an issue. Well, this little pug at the event (Frank - probably the 18,975,389th pug to be named that!) was so adorable and of course I just had to give him a cuddle. I must have been holding him for close to an hour, he was loving it! He was pulled from the shelter yesterday, so he's had a rough time lately.

He loved our pug girls and they loved him too. I was so tempted to adopt him, believe me... We already have 2 of our own though, and we foster too; if we adopted every pug we wanted, I think we'd end up on that show Animal Hoarders! My hubby isn't open to adopting another, and I know he's right really because vet bills are expensive enough as it is. If it turns out we'll never have kids, then I definitely want to adopt another. The thing is, if we do have a baby 3 dogs will be a lot of work. So while we're TTC we probably shouldn't adopt, but we're definitely sticking with fostering (we love it, it's so rewarding).

Anyway Frank is just the sweetest little guy, and it really lifted my spirits a lot to meet him and love on him. Obviously it doesn't change any of the IF stuff, but it did make me feel a lot better generally. Here he is:

Such a sweetie...

He almost fell asleep on me, he loves cuddles!

What a handsome face!

:(

I'm not sure why, but the infertility stuff is getting me down more today than it has been recently. I was feeling kind of at peace with things, but today I just feel like crap. I hate that this can happen; nothing significant has really happened to change things, yet I just feel low.

Maybe it's partly due to the forum post I read this morning, about a woman with a 5 month old baby who's pregnant again - her kids will be 1 year apart. It feels so unfair that someone who's already been blessed with a baby so recently is having another, and we may never get to even see a BFP. I know the world isn't fair, and it doesn't work like that. It just feels like a kick in the teeth, that getting pregnant is so easy for most couples but it's so hard for us. I know there are lots of couples out there who have struggled/are struggling more than us, and we're not that far into our infertility journey, but this really hurts.

When I think about all the things I naively thought we would have to plan around me giving birth - people coming to visit from the UK, etc. - I feel like such an idiot. When we first started TTC I remember thinking that if we conceived right away my due date would clash with my friend's visit. Then there was an in-law family reunion on the other side of the country planned for June this year, and I was sure that we wouldn't be able to go because I'd be heavily pregnant or we'd have a tiny newborn by that time. Neither of these events ended up happening, but even last month I was thinking about how if we conceived that cycle my due date would fall when my mom and stepdad are visiting in February/March of next year. If we conceive this cycle I'll be about ready to pop when my friend and her family visit in April of next year. Even now I find myself thinking about these things, when it's clearly never been an issue before. I don't know why I still seem to expect this to happen, but I guess it's that small part of me that's hopeful.

I wish we had a reason for our infertility. I think that would make it easier to accept than this. At this point, I just wish I knew for sure if we're ever going to have a baby. If we could know for sure that it's never going to happen, I think I could eventually come to terms with that. It's the not knowing that makes it so hard to accept. If everything is so perfect with all our tests, then why am I not getting pregnant? I know I've asked this before, and nobody can give me any answers. I guess I just need to write it down again.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming!

Today is CD13 for me, and all signs point to ovulation being close. I would love to ovulate at a "normal" point in my cycle, rather than late. The earliest yet was CD17, and that happened all of one time. I'm hopeful that maybe I'll ovulate within the next couple of days; that would be amazing! I'll take whatever I can get, though: as long as I do ovulate, it's all good.

My chart is looking like a mess right now, but hopefully it will still be possible for it to pinpoint ovulation accurately.

CD12's temp was after a possibly restless night - I'm not really sure. I know it took me a while to get to sleep and I did wake up once or twice, but I have no idea what time. I was going to discard that temp or mark it 'sleep deprived' but I don't know if I should or not. I don't know what the deal is with CD10's temp spike - I had a great sleep before that temp, so I'm not sure what's going on there.

I messed around with putting future temps on my chart, just to see whether ovulation would be detected. I put in a high temp for tomorrow and it gave me crosshairs for CD11. I don't believe I ovulated already, so if that happens for real we'll keep having sex anyway so we're covered.

I'm not taking Mucinex this cycle and we haven't been using Pre-Seed either. It's nice not to have to think about those things, I must admit. We're back to basics!

If we do get lucky and conceive this cycle, it's possible that I'll get my BFP while my hubby is away. Maybe I could do something cute to tell him the good news, if that happens! I'll think about that if/when the time comes, though.

FIL update

The general gist of last night's phone call with FIL went something like this:

FIL got sick in January, with some respiratory thing which he's had before and the doctors have been unable to diagnose. He's been in and out of hospital and he's been tested for a whole host of diseases, but the doctors are baffled by what it is [I did ask my hubby if he believes this, because I'm a bitch I doubted the story for a moment, but he said there's no way he'd lie about that and that the last time he was sick like this (many years ago) it was pretty bad.]

Apparently the doctors advised him to avoid animals because they don't know what's causing his illness, so that's why he hasn't been over here. He apologized for not getting in touch but said he's been pretty out of it. He thinks he's on the mend and that he'll be better in a few weeks. Oh, and he's getting a needle biopsy done on Monday to check a nodule they found in his lung (but he had the same thing last time he was sick, and it wasn't cancer, so he's not really worried about that.)

FIL asked to speak to me, so we talked for a little while and he also apologized to me for not keeping in touch. Honestly, if he's been as sick as he says we're not going to hold that against him. Before we knew, yeah, we were pretty pissed that he didn't bother to keep in touch. But now? No.

I think the hardest thing for my hubby to process in all of this is this simple fact: BIL never once got in touch to tell us that FIL was so sick. We never had a falling out with BIL; in fact, he used to come over every other Saturday for dinner at our place, until he started messing us around and not letting us know when he wasn't coming (then we stopped inviting him because we were tired of it). We haven't seen him since January and haven't heard from him since February. After everything that happened with MIL, we both figured that both FIL and BIL were taking the easy road by siding with her, and not pursuing a relationship with us. MIL is very manipulative and let's face it, FIL has to live with her and BIL, well he's honestly a freaking momma's boy.

A couple of months ago I decided to unfriend BIL on Facebook, because he has plenty of other ways to get in touch and obviously can't be bothered to do so, and I didn't see the point of keeping him on there. I also deleted SIL, whom I've never met (she lives on the other side of the country) because she's an attention-seeker and only ever gets in touch when she wants something (which is usually something completely unreasonable!). I know it sounds paranoid, but I thought if I kept them on my friends list they could/would be passing info to MIL and FIL (MIL is BSC, and we thought FIL wasn't interested in having a relationship with us).

Now obviously, given the situation with MIL, we didn't expect her to let us know about FIL. We did tell her not to contact us, after all. But BIL? I really think he could have at least sent my hubby a text or something. FIL thought BIL had let us know, but like I said we haven't heard a thing from him in almost 6 months and he's certainly never said anything about FIL being sick. I don't know why he would keep that from us. 

Before New Years, we were the ones making all the effort to contact BIL and FIL, and we got tired of that so we stopped. When neither of them made any effort to get in touch with us, we just assumed they weren't that fussed about us. If things were different with MIL, then obviously we would've known about all of this and it wouldn't be an issue. The thing is, we were confused because both FIL and BIL told us they agreed with us regarding the MIL situation. It was really odd when they both dropped off the radar, so to speak, but we just figured they were bullshitting us about that. We both agreed that we wouldn't be forced into having a relationship with crazy MIL, so if they were going to make us choose then they would end up being collateral.

The phone call last night changes everything - at least as far as FIL is concerned. For the past 6 or 7 months now we've been thinking he'd cut us off, and now we know he was really ill we feel bad because had we known, we would have been there for him as much as possible. I'm glad he called, but at the same time it's kind of difficult to process everything. I think my hubby is going to call BIL and let him know he should have told us FIL was sick. It's not like we had a problem with FIL - or BIL - they just seemed to not be interested in pursuing a relationship, so we thought that was that really. Like my hubby told FIL last night, he wasn't going to beg BIL to come over! He abused our generosity by messing us around and not having the decency to let us know when he wasn't coming over as planned, and then expected us to just accommodate whatever new visiting schedule he had in mind (and that didn't work for us). Then we heard nothing. I just find it to be horrible that BIL couldn't even spare a minute to let my hubby know their dad was seriously ill. I mean, really?

This whole thing is just one big mess. My hubby and I had a long talk last night, and I told him that if he wants to resume contact with MIL I'm not going to stop him. I won't be involved, though, and she's not to set foot in our house, ever. We both agree that if we ever do manage to have kids, she won't have anything to do with them (she's already told us she would brainwash them and all that, so no thank you).

Hubby said he doesn't see how he could have anything resembling a normal relationship with her after everything she's done - he said it doesn't matter what boundaries we set, she won't respect them (she's proved that before). We both fully agree that she won't drop the religion thing, because she's too far indoctrinated to let that go. She can't just "agree to disagree", she can't leave it alone - she's not happy unless she's bullying us to join her cult. It's never going to happen, of course, but it's kind of a big thing for us to just ignore. Each incident has been worse than the last, so expecting things to magically change is completely unrealistic; it would probably make us almost as deluded as she is.

As I wrote last night, as long as FIL doesn't try to push a relationship with MIL, I think everything will be OK with him. I don't know about the BIL thing, though. We're pretty pissed that he didn't let us know about FIL being sick - it's not like FIL didn't want us to know, after all.

Why do families have to be so crappy?!

Here we go again...

Just when we figured we'd heard the last from my in-laws, the phone rang tonight. Thank goodness we recently got caller ID, so we didn't pick up. We listened to the voicemail, and it was my FIL. He hasn't been in contact with us in more than 6 months, and we haven't seen him since before New Year. We figured he was collateral damage from the cut-off of crazy MIL. Anyway, he said he's been sick and that's why he hasn't been in touch. My hubby is on the phone with him right now (I told him he'd be better off calling him now when we know he's home, rather than risk having MIL answer the phone.)

I think my hubby is having a hard time with this - after this long, we weren't expecting a call. I'm not sure what the next step is, but it isn't FIL we really have a problem with so maybe things can pick up where they left off with him. As long as he doesn't start pushing for us to resume contact with BSC MIL, we should be good.

Stupid chart!

It seems as though yesterday's temp spike was a fluke. I thought it was odd, and today's temp was down again so I'm pretty sure I should just discard yesterday's temp. I think I'll wait and see what happens in the next few days, but it certainly looks off to me! It's weird because I took my temp at the exact same time as usual, the A/C was set the same as usual, we had the same sheet on the bed, I wore the same nightshirt, I slept plenty before temping (and slept well), and I didn't have any alcohol. Oh well!

I'm not sure whether to take Mucinex this cycle or just skip it this time. I've been taking it every cycle since February, and while I'm sure it's not going to do any harm I am wondering if there's any real point in me taking it. I'm also wondering about whether to continue using Pre-Seed... Maybe we should just try "naturally" and see what happens.

My hubby will call the insurance company later today and hopefully resolve the issue of them denying my claims. Everything I've had done should be covered, so they're not getting out of paying!

We went to the gym yesterday, and Sunday too. We're getting back in the habit of going 3-4 times a week (we became slack after our vacation!). We'll go again tomorrow and then probably Saturday and possibly Sunday as well. I like going on the weekend, it's nice and quiet! I always feel better after working out, even if I really didn't want to go to the gym beforehand. Yesterday was one of those days when I didn't feel like going, but I'm so glad we did.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what treatments we might be willing to do if we're unable to conceive naturally. I've mentioned before that my gynecologist said she would prescribe 3 months of Clomid if I wanted her to, but I'm reluctant to take it at this point in time. I'm worried about it messing up my subsequent cycles, if it doesn't work. I'm also not sure if my gynecologist would monitor me on it, and I know it's probably safe but I'd rather be monitored if I was taking something like that. I read somewhere that you can only take Clomid 12 times in your life, so to do 3 cycles unmonitored seems unwise to me. That's just my opinion, though. It's just that, unmonitored, how do they know if you're responding to it, or if you need a higher (or lower) dose? I'm not saying I'd never take Clomid, I just don't think this is the right time to take it.

We really want a baby, but I can't see us ever doing IVF to have one. It's just so expensive and I don't think I could go through that when the outcome isn't even close to guaranteed. I know many couples will do anything and everything to have a baby, and I'm not knocking them at all, but I don't think we will do that. The more I think about it, the more I feel that we should just see what happens.

The trouble with unexplained infertility is that there are no answers. It's frustrating. We don't have a reason to stop TTC, because technically there's nothing wrong with us and we should be able to conceive. I don't know how long we should keep trying, because every cycle has the potential to be "the one". I don't think I can keep doing this forever, though. If another year passes and we still haven't conceived, then I don't know if I can keep going through this cycle of ups and downs. Right now I'm feeling kind of positive: this cycle is a fresh chance and I'm waiting to ovulate. If nothing happens this time there will be the heartache of another failed cycle, and then there will be a sense of renewed hope next cycle. It's never-ending.

I know I probably sound really depressed at the moment, but I'm actually not. I feel like I'm regaining control of my life, and facing up to the reality that maybe we won't have children. I'm not happy about that prospect, of course, but maybe this is what's meant to be, for some reason or another. Even as I write this, however, there's a little part of me that thinks this cycle could be it! I guess that I can tell myself it's OK all I want, but deep down I hope it doesn't have to be this way.

3 posts in 1

Part 1: Infertility Stuff

Today is CD10 and I had a temp rise of 0.6 this morning. I'm 99% sure that I did not ovulate yesterday - I've never ovulated before CD17 in all the time we've been TTC. My cervix was high yesterday but I didn't have fertile CM. I guess something's going on with my temps; it's weird, but whatever.

I must admit I'm getting to the point where I'm just so tired of TTC. I'm annoyed that it took over my life for more than a year. I'm annoyed that after extensive testing, we still have no answers. I'm annoyed that our insurance, which is supposed to cover infertility testing, has denied all of my claims - all of my bloodwork, my HSG, and even my pap smear (which you're allowed to have once a year and is supposed to be 100% covered). WTF?! So now we have to get in touch with them to sort that out, which is adding insult to injury. We checked our coverage before we had any testing done, to make sure we knew where we stood. They covered my husband's testing (which was also for infertility) but they won't cover mine? We're on the same freaking policy, with the same coverage! We're not paying for it when it says in black and white that infertility testing (and corrective surgery) is covered fully. I'm sure it'll be an uphill battle to get our insurance company to cover what they're supposed to cover. I'm going to let my husband deal with them, because I know I'll get really pissed off if I have to call them myself. He'll probably be able to keep his cool better!

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Part 2: Family Drama Stuff

I finally bit the bullet and called my grandma last week. I hadn't spoken to her since before all the crappy drama with my dad (which happened mid-April). After hearing from my aunt that he was "broken-hearted" that I didn't send him a birthday card, I figured he would've already lied to my grandma about me. It was kind of awkward calling her, but I'm glad I did.

I wasn't planning to mention any of the stuff that happened, but she asked what was going on so I set her straight. She was genuinely shocked when I told her how he's treated me, and I said that I've had enough and I will not be apologizing for anything (since this is all on him). If I'd done something I would own it, but I did nothing and I'm not feeding his ego by groveling and begging forgiveness when I've done nothing wrong.

She said she would like it if we made up, but I told her in order for that to happen he would have to sincerely apologize and back his apology up with actions. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions let me know he doesn't give a damn about me. She told me that he said the email he sent me was perfectly nice, and that I couldn't possibly have taken offense. I couldn't help but laugh at that! My grandma agreed with me that what he wrote was definitely not nice, and apparently she told him that a long time ago. Even my friend who usually says stuff like "but he's family!" is pissed at him over that email and the way he's acted. He knows he's in the wrong, but he'll never admit it. That's OK - I'm fine without him. At this point, I'm protecting myself by completely disengaging. It says a lot that after more than 3 months of no contact, the only time he was upset about it was his damn birthday! He doesn't know (or care) what's going on in my life, he doesn't even know if I'm alive, but the big thing is that he didn't get a card and gift from me (after treating me like shit). Textbook Narcissist, seriously. He hasn't attempted to contact me since that nasty email in April. Good riddance!

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Part 3: Everything Else

We've had a busy time with the pugs recently. Gracie lost a tooth on Friday, which wouldn't normally be too much cause for concern with a pug, but the root was horrible and dead-looking (even though the crown was white and healthy-looking). She had a dental cleaning at the vet yesterday, and had 2 other front teeth removed. I'm sure she feels better now that the bad teeth are gone!

Our foster, Milo, was diagnosed with bladder stones on Friday. He's having surgery on Thursday to remove them. Poor little guy! He's about 9 years old so I'm a little worried about him, but he had a dental a few months ago and didn't have any problems with the anesthetic, so hopefully he will be perfectly fine.

On Saturday we had a pug rescue event and 3 pugs found their new homes, which is awesome! After that my hubby took me out for lunch, and then I got my hair cut (which I've been meaning to do for a while). I was sick of my long hair, so I had the hairdresser chop off about half of it. It's a drastic change, but I love it! I haven't had my hair this short since about 9 or 10 years ago, and it feels good. It's not super short - it's just above my shoulders. It feels so much better though, especially in the summer heat! My hubby really likes it, but he was pretty surprised when he picked me up! :)

I spent most of yesterday thoroughly cleaning the house, doing lots of laundry and baking bread. It was a welcome distraction from everything - not just infertility, but also my pug-baby having her dental cleaning! My worries about her weren't completely unfounded - apparently it took her a while to come around from the anesthetic, which is common in brachycephalic (short-nosed) breeds, but I'm glad she's perfectly fine. She did need the dental, so it was a justified risk.

As far as distractions go, I want to do some more sewing but I don't know what to make. I also want to do some crochet, which I haven't done since before Christmas. I need to get back into it because it keeps me busy and I like being productive! I love to make things I can be proud of. Of course, making a baby would be the ultimate production, but who knows if that's in our future. Sometimes I think we should just stop trying and save ourselves the heartache of failure.

Keeping myself busy!

Instead of dwelling on our infertility struggle, I decided I need to be productive. Yesterday I did a craft project. One of our pugs, Suzie, has destroyed multiple dog beds that she's had in her crate. One of them she even chewed the zip off - she's a little terror sometimes! For a while I've been trying to figure out what to do. I've looked in countless stores to see if we can get something made of tougher fabric, but haven't found anything suitable. We bought some fabric a month or so ago, and I was going to make a new cover for her old crate mat. The trouble with that is that the egg-crate foam was all damaged too, so it didn't seem like that would be a good solution. I couldn't find any similar foam, except in the form of mattress-toppers, and they were pretty pricey.

A few days ago, it came to me - why not use an old pillow? We have a few that we never use anymore, so it seemed like a good solution! So, I set about making a cover for the pillow. I ended up making two, because I figured if it was double-covered it might be more durable. I used Velcro - no zips for her to chew off! This means the covers are removable for washing, which is obviously a must for a dog bed.

Anyway, here's the finished result:

Little Miss Destructive seems to approve!

This is her favorite toy - a dragon! I've had to fix him a few times too!

Let's see how long this bed lasts! At least it only cost $6 for the fabric (and I have some left). I already had all the other stuff I needed. It took about 3 hours from start to finish. Hopefully it wasn't a waste of time!

In another effort to keep busy, I spent some time today working on the blog. I added some pages and changed the layout a little. I think it looks a lot better now!  :)

One year, one month and one week.

My period arrived about half-way through the pug rescue event I was running yesterday. I was prepared for it (my temp dropped by 0.5 yesterday). My LP was 12 days this time; usually it's 13, but it's been 12 the last couple of months. My OB wasn't worried about it when I asked, she said it was fine.

My pug rescue event went well in spite of everything. Apparently I'm good at putting on a brave face when I need to; I'm sure nobody knew there was anything wrong. In private I'm not always so well composed, but that doesn't count, right?! I had a little meltdown on Friday night, because I just knew my period was going to come yet again. I'd been so positive for that cycle, and it really hurt when it didn't result in a BFP. I guess I pinned all my hopes on the HSG miraculously making me super fertile, or something like that. Ridiculous, I know.

I think if I'm not pregnant in the next few months, we'll probably be taking a little break from TTC. If we do, we won't prevent pregnancy (ha! Like we need to anyway!) but I'll maybe take some time off from charting and just see what happens. I'm a bit of a control freak so I'm not sure I could stop - I like knowing what's going on, at least to some extent! Maybe I should try it for a cycle or two, though.

I've been thinking about emailing my cousin, the one whose wife is pregnant with baby #2. The one who claims to understand exactly what we're going through, because they tried for a few months for their first. The one who gave me the oh-so-useful advice, "relax!". I feel as though I should check in with them and ask how everything's going, but I can't bring myself to ask. I wish them well with the baby, of course, but now that they know a little of our struggles I'm finding it really awkward to contact them. I don't know what to say. I don't want their pity, and I definitely don't want to hear that all I need to do is relax. It's going to be like the elephant in the room - I don't want to talk about it, they know we're TTC, they're understandably excited about their new addition... and their happy updates cut me like a knife. What do I even have to tell them? I can tell them about my new role in the pug rescue, which I'm really excited about, but it just seems so lame compared to their baby news. He was on Skype this morning when I was talking to a friend, and I was so glad when he logged off without saying anything to me. I may not be very long into my infertility journey, but it's already changed so much in my life. I used to hope we'd get to talk, and now I tend to hope we won't. Their baby is due 2 days after our wedding anniversary; is it awful of me to hope it's not born on our anniversary? I know it shouldn't matter at all, but the fact that it might be just makes me so sad. If we weren't TTC, it wouldn't bother me in the least.

One year, one month, one week - that's how long my TTC ticker informs me we've been trying. I know that's not very long compared to many couples, but it feels like an eternity. Occasionally I torture myself by reading the "getting pregnant" forum, and I see women posting "I finally got my BFP after 3 whole months of trying!". Finally, because taking 3 months to get pregnant is clearly completely abnormal in their world! I wish that was my world, too. I wish I didn't know what it is to have to actively try, and fail, to conceive.

I hate that we had all the testing done and still have no answers. We're doing everything right, even my OB said so - shouldn't I at least have gotten pregnant once in this time, then? Even if it was a chemical pregnancy, or just not a viable pregnancy - shouldn't something have happened? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have a CP or a MC. I do want to know I can get pregnant, though. I guess I'm just disillusioned with it all.

Wonderful timing...

Just in time for the pug adoption event I'm running today:

My period hasn't started yet, but it's definitely coming. My temp always seems to go down to 97.3 the day it starts.

I just have to put on a big smile and forget about all of this until after the event. I can do that.

Temp drop at 11 dpo

I tested again this morning and got another BFN. I know I probably shouldn't have bothered testing, but I did it anyway. I'm still spotting, but it's a little weird: when it started yesterday it was light, then got heavier throughout the day. This morning it started out light and has become a bit heavier, but not as much as yesterday. My temp dropped this morning, though, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get a BFP this time.

I guess my temp could go back up tomorrow. My cervix is high, but I know that can change throughout the day. I still feel nauseous and I've had a headache on and off for the past 24 hours. I'm pretty sure it's either progesterone-related or just a random thing, because if it was a true pregnancy symptom I should be getting positive tests, right? I didn't sleep that well last night, so I'm really tired. I think an afternoon nap might be in order!

Why do I do this?!

I woke up feeling quite nauseous this morning, and since I was already planning to test today it kind of spurred me on. Well, it was a BFN of course! Damn. I know nausea doesn't automatically equal pregnancy, it's likely a side-effect of progesterone. I knew it was probably too early to test but I did it anyway.

I'm having some very light spotting, too. I'm thinking that's not a good sign - I always spot before my period, it usually starts at 11 dpo but has started at 10 dpo and 12 dpo before. I'm still hopeful that this might be our cycle though. Who knows, the spotting could clear up soon. It could be a "good" sign - it could be implantation bleeding, possibly. See, I'm trying to be positive!!

Here's my chart, which I think looks pretty good so far [of course that could change any day, so I don't want to get too carried away yet.]

My hubby just got his travel dates for his business trip to Mississippi: it's only going to be for one week now, not two (yay!!), and the week he's going definitely shouldn't interfere with TTC. That's such a relief! We're still hoping that this will be my BFP cycle and we won't have to TTC anymore, but we're realistic about it and know that things like this don't seem to work out the way we plan (if they did, we wouldn't have been TTC for 13 months, it would've happened in the first 6 months or so of trying!). His boss didn't ask him why he's unavailable for most of the proposed dates, but if she had asked he was just going to tell her the truth: that we've been TTC without success for 13 months, and that I recently had a medical procedure done which might increase our chances for the next few months.

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Today I'm going out for lunch with some of the other ladies I volunteer with. It was my friend's birthday yesterday so we're celebrating that! I honestly had no idea what to get her - I thought about nice candles, nice toiletries... I looked for something pug-related... In the end, I settled on something completely different. I bought her a nice cookie tin and baked her a batch of cookies last night. I know this sounds like a really lame gift but she absolutely loves my baking, so I think she'll be pleased. I also have a cute pug picture that I bought from the boutique pet store a while ago, and never did anything with (it's still in its packaging and everything). I'm debating giving her that as well - maybe she'll have more use for it than we do. I realize I probably sound really cheap here, but I've been spending my money on things to donate for the pug rescue silent auction, our pugs, and stuff I need for the adoption event I'm running. Oh, and voting in their cutest pug contest! I did buy myself a nice pair of sandals as well, but I really needed those!

Anyway, fingers crossed that she likes the gift. I think she will  :)

Willpower...

Something I generally lack! Not today, however.

This morning (9 dpo) I woke up and took my temp (98.2), went back to sleep, woke up again and then lay in bed debating the pros and cons of testing today. Now clearly 9 dpo is most likely too early to test, but that's never stopped me in the past. I used to be really crazy and test at 8 dpo routinely. Anyway, I managed to talk myself out of testing today because if I got a BFN it would make me sad. I know a BFN at this stage doesn't mean you're out, but despite knowing that, actually getting a BFN depresses me! If I thought I might actually get a BFP then I guess it'd be different, but I don't really feel any different. I always feel tired, bloated, gassy and a little crampy after I ovulate. I do feel a little nauseous but that's happened before too, so I'm not getting excited yet.

Testing today would most likely have been a big disappointment. Testing tomorrow, though... Well, I probably will. Even though one extra day probably won't make that much of a difference, it somehow sounds better to test at 10 dpo than 9 dpo. Or maybe it's just me. I'm still clinging to the small hope that the HSG will end up being all we needed to get that elusive BFP... If not this cycle, then maybe next cycle or the one after that. As long as my hubby isn't out of state, that is! If we didn't have the dogs then I guess I could go with him, but it would be about $300-400 to board the dogs Sunday through Friday (assuming we'd be back in time to pick them up on Friday), and we'd have to find a vacation foster home for our two fosters. Plus, I really don't want to go to Mississippi. I've actually been 3 times before, believe it or not. I had family there who we visited when I was a kid, as part of our US vacations. It's so humid there and I'd rather have the crazy (dry) heat we get here - even though it was 93 at 7.30 this morning, and it's been up to 116 the past couple of days... Plus, all things considered it would be pretty expensive for me to join my hubby out there - flights, dog boarding etc. So I'm hoping that either I get my BFP this cycle, or he'll be home during my fertile times for the next couple of cycles at least.

In other 'news' I'm preparing for my new pug rescue adoption event on Sunday. I think I have everything I need now, except for a couple of chairs which we'll probably get today. We bought a table which folds down really small and has a carrying handle. I got a donation jar, big water bowl, extra leashes... I need to print out all the paperwork I'll be needing, but I think we're pretty much set. I'm excited and a little apprehensive; I'm sure it'll go fine, but it'll be my first time "in charge" and I want to make sure it goes well and that I do a good job! So far we have 11 pugs and 6 or 7 volunteers, so it should be a good event. Hopefully we'll get some adoptions! :)

Mississippi? Really? =/

My husband found out yesterday that he's going to have to go away on business, to Mississippi of all places. Ugh! He had a list of proposed dates, he has to go for 2 separate weeks and it'd be one week there, a week home and then another week there. We looked at my ovulation calendars and it turns out he could go for one combination out of the three given, without interfering with our chances. Normally I'd just say we could have a break for a cycle - in fact I was about to say that, but it seems like a silly thing to do at the moment because the potential benefits from having the HSG should last for the next 2-3 months. It would be horrible to not be able to try one of those cycles in which (theoretically at least) I have increased fertility.

Hopefully the dates that work for us will also work for his boss. My husband is only really supposed to do one business trip a year, to Wisconsin (he did that in February). These extra trips are kind of inconvenient, especially given our situation. I guess if he absolutely has to go during ovulation time, then he has to go  :(  We'd be really disappointed though, and I'd feel very cheated out of trying during a cycle where we might be more successful than under normal circumstances.

His boss does understand that he has a life where we live, so hopefully it'll be OK. He's had to say no to trips previously for other reasons (like last summer, when we were buying our house and he had to be here to sign the paperwork and everything). I hope that his boss doesn't pry about why he needs to be in town for those particular weeks, but he's prepared to tell her a condensed version of the truth if necessary.

I'm 8 dpo today, and who knows, maybe I'll get my BFP this time and the business trips won't be an issue. I wish I could truly believe that, I really do. I'm trying to be positive without getting my hopes up too much. My chart looks OK, but it's obviously too early to test. I'm tempted to test on Wednesday (10 dpo) but that's probably still too early. It hasn't stopped me in the past, though!

I definitely ovulated! :)

I'm currently 3 dpo! I really thought I might not ovulate this cycle, so I'm very happy that I did. It's only the first hurdle though, of course. I'm sure the next 10 days or so are going to go by so slowly; the 2 week wait tends to be that way! We're both hopeful that this time I might end up being pregnant, but we know that only time will tell.

I think I'm clinging to the small hope that the HSG will have worked like magic, and it'll make all the difference. Ridiculous, I know! So many women say they got pregnant right after having a HSG, but I don't really expect it to make a difference for us when I think about it logically. It's nice to dream, but it's usually better to be realistic. 

My period is due the day after the first adoption event I'm running... I hope my LP is its usual 13 days so it doesn't come early! Yikes. The event is only for a few hours, but I don't want to be having agonizing cramps during that time. The best scenario is obviously that my period won't come at all, but that's clearly wishful thinking! 

Speaking of the event, we're going to collect pens for it at the weekend from the lady in charge of the rescue. She's fostering an adorable 12 week old pug puppy, and he loves to play so we're taking our pug (Suzie) with us so they can wear each other out! I wish we could have the puppy, he's only 4 pounds and super cute. I know we can't have him - we have enough on our plates with our girls and our 2 fosters. He's highly adoptable, being a puppy and all - so he'll get a great home when the right person comes along. Still, I'm definitely looking forward to some puppy cuddles! :)

I think it finally happened!

It looks like I probably ovulated yesterday (CD22). Better late than never! I was seriously starting to wonder if it was going to happen at all this cycle. According to FertilityFriend, my average ovulation day is CD21 (earliest CD17, latest CD28) but the past few months it's happened fairly early for me and I guess I expected the same this time around! Anyway, hopefully in a couple of days I'll get confirmation on my chart. Fingers crossed!

I had a headache and felt so nauseous yesterday afternoon, I had to take a nap. I feel that way now too, but it's not as bad thank goodness. I guess it's due to hormones (progesterone). I don't usually feel that way around ovulation but if there's one thing I've learned on this journey, it's that my cycles (and symptoms) can vary a lot! I think I've had almost every "pregnancy" symptom in the book since we started TTC, but of course I've never been pregnant. In the beginning I would get excited thinking that something must be happening, but now? Not so much! :)

The weirdest thing happened this morning when I used my microscope. I collected the sample as normal, messed about with my phone while it dried and then looked at the pattern. There was lots of ferning. I got my phone camera ready to take some photos, and when I looked again there was no ferning! I kept looking all around the slide, adjusting the focus, and eventually found a very small area with ferns. As I was looking at it, the ferns disappeared before my eyes! How bizarre. I can only assume that the sample wasn't 100% dry when I first looked, and the light dried it the rest of the way which caused the ferns to disappear. Very odd to see, though! I recorded it on my chart as "no ferning" - I figured that was the right thing to do since the ferns all disappeared.

I'm contemplating buying some cheap OPKs for my next cycle (if I don't get my BFP this time). I've never used them before, they might be useful. We almost bought some at Target the other day, but we put them back. At that point I was just super frustrated that I hadn't ovulated yet, but we cover our bases when it comes to having sex and I knew that buying the OPKs wouldn't magically make me ovulate. It's like buying loads of HPTs - sadly, that doesn't magically make you get pregnant! I wish it did, we'd have a baby by now if that worked!

I'm thinking positive, and hoping beyond hope that this time we'll get lucky. I know that compared to many couples we haven't been trying all that long, but these past 13 months have felt like an eternity to me!

CD21

I still haven't ovulated, but the ferning persists! I really don't know what to make of any of this. My temp rose a little this morning, but nowhere near enough to indicate ovulation. I just hope that I will actually ovulate; I at least want us to be in with a chance this cycle!

Here are today's microscope pics:

And here's my chart:

Anyone have any ideas?! I'm hoping that today will be the day, but I'm seriously confused by this cycle!